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Am I worthy of something better??


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I met my boyfriend 5 years ago and although initially I didn't find him very attractive his attitude won me over. He was very sensitive, loving and caring.

We have lots of common interests and we have a great time when we spend time together doing fun stuff!

 

However, I always thought of him as very immature in the way he lives his life. I am 33 years old and my boyfriend is two years younger. he has never had a job for as long as I have known him and he lives with money he earns from renting properties, so he doesn't really have money problems. He is currently finishing a degree (he should have graduated ages ago) and he is also looking for a job in his sector, but without much luck! (i wonder why?? - he has been unemployed for sooo long)

 

So we both decided to split up after two years of being together, due to having lots of arguments mainly because I was always upset with him not progressing in his life and doing something else instead of playing games on the computer... (I have always worked and have been independent until recently. I am currently looking for a new job. )

 

After we split up, he started chasing me and he wanted me back, but I ended it then. So I had another relation with a guy for over a year... I never thought I would get back together with my first boyfriend mainly because he was so immature, but one day i decided to send him a message just to see how he s doing, I knew he had some personal issues... He started calling me everyday he wanted to meet up and he basically wanted me back because he still loved me.

 

I was so confused and really didn't know what to do, because I was with someone else, but I felt i had feelings for him again. So i dumped my new boyfriend and started going out again with my ex... I thought I was crazy!

 

It took a long time to get over the jealousy he had for me because i chose to have another boyfriend and not him but now things are much better... the problem is he is still living the same type of life, perhaps with some improvement. Still without a job but always saying he will change...

 

He have a great time when I m not thinking of all the problems and we are great friends and lovers, but i feel like im the mature one in the relationship... I am not getting any younger so i want to have someone next to me who I can totally feel comfortable with... He tells me he wants to live his life with me and he loves me a lot but I cannot help but feel angry with him for being this way... (mainly unemployed)

 

i feel like i should search for something better, but I know we have deep feelings for each other ... what should I do!???

Edited by Dee12345
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This is going to be harsh and based on below so please correct me if I misunderstood:

 

 

I'm confused - He has a job. He's a landlord. (Please correct me if I'm wrong). If he can sustain a good living on that and hire people to just manage the properties....that's actually kind of nice. That'll carry him and you(if you stay together) straight through retirement.

 

 

So correct me if I'm wrong, you just don't find his method of income...attractive? I mean, that's your right, but he's earning money in a completely legal fashion and able to take care of himself...so what's the problem?

I'm going to be honest, you seem to care about each other. You find him a fantastic friend and companion and you say you have a good sexual life but you get angry at him for not working? If he's immature in other ways, embarrassing to be around. Rude to friends. I'd need details and this would be something that could be solved in couples counseling. If it's just the method by which he earns money, but you love him, you may just have to get over yourself and accept him for who he is. If you can't, then you owe it to him to be honest and leave.

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Maybe he likes the way he makes money now and that provides him with the flexibility that resulted in his attitude you liked. It seems that when you wanted him to change that, then issues began to arise. I am college educated and have a good job, but I don't care about education or careers when it comes to a girlfriend. There are a lot of successful people who do not work a 9-5 job M-F and do not have a college or even a high school degree. If you need that in your relationship, then maybe this relationship ending is for the best. Everyone has difference preferences and I understand you would like what you think is a better life for him, but maybe managing properties and working on a degree and his own pace is what makes him truly happy and comfortable.

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I can understand his jealousy, living with the person you love after they have loved somebody else while they where away is a hard thing to live with, as for him not having a job, it sounds like he has been busy either way and I see nothing wrong with sitting around enjoying videogames if your collecting your income on your properties, maybe he's happy with his lifestyle?, maybe he doesn't want to change?, I don't think it's fair to ask that of anybody unless they sincerely want to in that way, I don't know how to advise you other than to tell you to do what is best for yourself, make a decision based on now or based on the future (or both), I would have a long and serious talk about it before you pull the trigger either way.

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This is going to be harsh and based on below so please correct me if I misunderstood:

 

 

I'm confused - He has a job. He's a landlord. (Please correct me if I'm wrong). If he can sustain a good living on that and hire people to just manage the properties....that's actually kind of nice. That'll carry him and you(if you stay together) straight through retirement.

 

 

So correct me if I'm wrong, you just don't find his method of income...attractive? I mean, that's your right, but he's earning money in a completely legal fashion and able to take care of himself...so what's the problem?

I'm going to be honest, you seem to care about each other. You find him a fantastic friend and companion and you say you have a good sexual life but you get angry at him for not working? If he's immature in other ways, embarrassing to be around. Rude to friends. I'd need details and this would be something that could be solved in couples counseling. If it's just the method by which he earns money, but you love him, you may just have to get over yourself and accept him for who he is. If you can't, then you owe it to him to be honest and leave.

Thank you so much for your reply!

To make things a bit more clear... he only has one property but its large enough to provide him with a good income, however, he was given this property he never bought it himself and he doesn't really do much else about it other than take the monthly rent...

 

I suppose the reason I get angry with him is because he tells me he wants to finish his degree and find a job but he doesn't actually do it! Although he has only two exams left so i hope he will get his degree soon...

 

The other thing i didn't mention is that when occasionally we have arguments he gets very upset with me confronting him about the job issue, and once he got so angry he kicked some of my stuff and called me names... I was really upset but also i got a bit scared because he seemed out of control... This has only happened once and we had lots of arguments all these years... Do you think its something i should be worried about? I have read that people who are difficult to control their nerves can become abusive...

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Thank you so much for your reply!

To make things a bit more clear... he only has one property but its large enough to provide him with a good income, however, he was given this property he never bought it himself and he doesn't really do much else about it other than take the monthly rent...

 

I suppose the reason I get angry with him is because he tells me he wants to finish his degree and find a job but he doesn't actually do it! Although he has only two exams left so i hope he will get his degree soon...

You seem to be caught up on the fact HE doesn't actually need to work, as he is "a man of independent means", which is great actually, but not to you, so I suggest there may be some jealousy there.

He doesn't NEED a job so the incentive to finish a degree and join the legions of wage slaves is not pressing.

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Simon Phoenix
Thank you so much for your reply!

To make things a bit more clear... he only has one property but its large enough to provide him with a good income, however, he was given this property he never bought it himself and he doesn't really do much else about it other than take the monthly rent...

 

I suppose the reason I get angry with him is because he tells me he wants to finish his degree and find a job but he doesn't actually do it! Although he has only two exams left so i hope he will get his degree soon...

 

The other thing i didn't mention is that when occasionally we have arguments he gets very upset with me confronting him about the job issue, and once he got so angry he kicked some of my stuff and called me names... I was really upset but also i got a bit scared because he seemed out of control... This has only happened once and we had lots of arguments all these years... Do you think its something i should be worried about? I have read that people who are difficult to control their nerves can become abusive...

 

I'd get pretty upset if someone kept harassing me about my income too. He pays the bills, who really cares about how he does it? If the fact that he doesn't have a traditional job bothers you, then leave and stay gone. But I really don't get why you feel the need for him to have a traditional 9-to-5 job.

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I'll just leave aside the bit that he has an income he can live on for a moment ....

 

Why did you get back with him when nothing had changed? That's what we call insanity.

 

You need to realise he is who he is. Stop trying to change him to fit what you want. If you want a guy with a degree and a regular job...... go and find that person.

 

Are you thinking his income isn't enough to support you /a family if you progressed to that stage? Do you just think he's lazy? That he could do more with his time?

 

If you push him back to college ....he'll just resent you when he's struggling with his studies or if he doesn't get a job at the end. He knew this was why you left him the first time...but he still didn't feel motivated to change things. I think he's happy as he is.

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I think I understand what your saying. He has this property but it was Given to him. He lacks Ambition to claim his own place in the world; like what would he be capable of becoming If he didn't have this luxury of having a property given to him. you are driven and you put yourself in uncomfortable situations in order to grow and advance your life and you feel like he is Content w status Quo. Just because he is ok w money it Doesn't change his character in regards to his ambition or life goals. Wo this property what would he accomplish or be capable of doing? When you strip him down wo money or the property what kind of man is he?

 

Due to the above and his lack of maturity you feel like you don't have a partner and maybe even sometimes you feel like you may be the "parent" in the relationship.

 

Because of this you don't Admire what he does or a part of who he is as a person, w the lack of admiration can sometimes come a lack of respect. W a lack of respect can come the loss and lack of attraction. None of it is good for a relationship.

 

IF even wo this property you can honestly say he would be Successful to an acceptable degree in Your eye then everything I wrote is a Moot point. BUT if deep down you know this would not be true that could be the problem your having and it's a Core Issue of who he is.

 

"Do you feel like you’re walking next to each other? Or are you two steps ahead or behind? You can’t spend your life always chasing to catch up or constantly hauling someone along.”

 

I'm learning as I go. But what I have found out is Admiration and respect in all aspects of the relationship are Vital for a Happy Long lasting relationship.

 

I am married 5yrs. Together 11 no kids. Separated 2 months. Long story short I am an A type personality. Driven. When we got together she was on her way to have a Career; I don't expect everyone to be as driven as I am. Fast forward several years she still has no career and has been out of school for 8yrs; has an entry level position w no retirement and pay is way under her education level. Add the fact that her weekend drinking kept up from 21yrs old into her 30s and it has screamed child like behavior. (The partying has been the major issue w the lack of a job as an added problem). Point being I kind of relate to your post. And it's been tough. In order for a long term thing to work issues your describing have to be Resolved and you Have to get on the Same Page.

 

These types of issues Can survive bf/gf phase BuT if they linger they will destroy any long term relationship. When me and he mrs are alone on the couch and not dealing w The issues we get along Great But in marriage or Serious relationship you can't hide from these issues like you may be able to as bf gf. They find you and will cause problems and over a decade can bring a relationship like mine to its knees.

 

If he is willing to work on the things you have an issue w things Can work out. Because the Legit Strong efforts on his part that he would Make For you Alone would make u respect and admire him much more. BUT if he likes the way his life is; status Quo, and doesn't Want to change then you either have to accept the fact that his is who he is; not likely going to work long term as resentment will build, OR accept the fact that this is who he is and the two of you though could be pretty good bf and gf together in the Long Haul you wouldn't be Marriage Compatiable. Just because you can get along w someone and things can be "good" at times doesn't mean that the person is marriage or long term compatible.

 

Tough place to be in but wo Hard Effort People do Not change from their Core. They grow some but never really change who they arE, you just got back together and you see that. I have a feeling it's not about how much $ he makes or How he's making it but an issue of Who he is in general. He isn't as driven as you are, and though you may not need him to be you would like him to be pushing More than he is. This Not a bad thing on his part, but your Posting on here for a reason, it just might not be for you.

 

The mrs has A lot of great qualities I looked for and is smoking beautiful. Never a nag. I thought as she got Older she would Grow up Some. W These good qualities also came childish behavior, lack of drive, and dependency on me socially and economically. If she was rasing kids way easier to rationalize. But wo that she had no real excuse to leave me carrying so much of the burden. Add the weekend drinking for ten years it adds up. I brought up the issues time and time again. We broke up 3yrs in prior to getting married. She said she'd change, grow up and stop partying so hard. 7years later still arguing Over the same Issues and after getting married there are More issues Because the things/behaviors are easier to rationalize when coming from a bf/gf. It's not as easy when it's taking place in what's supposed to be a mature marriage. I have Learned a lot but a lot of damage has already been done in my situation and I mentally checked out a while ago, I'm a very committed guy so despite my lack of Wanting the relationship; I hit a breaking point, I am hanging around trying to see if I can check back in as I go to counseling for the First time and she is working on herself. Address these Problems Now together or w counseling if u can't, OR Move On. Do Not Ignore Them or Think it will Resolve itself or work itself out. I thought I had a handle on things, it doesn't work that way. Good luck.

Edited by Brady375
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So if he got a job making the same amount if money he does now, you would be happy?

 

I think that you are jealous of him that he doesn't have to work.

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I think I understand what your saying. He has this property but it was Given to him. He lacks Ambition to claim his own place in the world; like what would he be capable of becoming If he didn't have this luxury of having a property given to him. you are driven and you put yourself in uncomfortable situations in order to grow and advance your life and you feel like he is Content w status Quo. Just because he is ok w money it Doesn't change his character in regards to his ambition or life goals. Wo this property what would he accomplish or be capable of doing? When you strip him down wo money or the property what kind of man is he?

 

Due to the above and his lack of maturity you feel like you don't have a partner and maybe even sometimes you feel like you may be the "parent" in the relationship.

 

Because of this you don't Admire what he does or a part of who he is as a person, w the lack of admiration can sometimes come a lack of respect. W a lack of respect can come the loss and lack of attraction. None of it is good for a relationship.

 

 

 

All the things you mention are exactly what I am thinking of. Specially the part about life goals and ambitions... Its totally what I have in my mind...

 

The reason why I am struggling with it and I try to make this relationship work is the love we have for each other. But also the fact that he agrees with all i am saying about finishing studies and finding a job. he sais he doesn' t want to be lazying around and doing nothing he wants to build his life being productive... Its just takes so long and I feel like a have not time left waiting around for him to change... perhaps he will never change even if he wants to.

 

I would like to give him more time to prove me wrong but I want to have a family and I am already 33 years old...

 

It looks like we are in similar positions, my bf had also very childish behavior, drinking and staying up all night sleeping all day while I was at work... i guess time will tell, i will give it some more time and see what happens but not too long :)

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We are in our 30s too. And I would hear the mrs say "I know, I'm trying" in regards to a job, and I'd hear the "I'm sorry" a 1000 times over her behavior when she drank. A Decade has past and nothing has changed. I am realizing that getting a long and love sometimes is Not enough when trying to make a Marriage work. The mrs wants kids and due to our issues I do Not. Would not be healthy to have a child right now. Too risky. So she says she will give up Having kids to be together as that window may pass as we work on us.

 

I obviously have to make sure I want our type of relationship before moving across such a huge milestone. I want to be fair to her as well.

 

our situations are very similar. They are not going to change. At your age if u bounce out of that relationship and have time to get over it and then meet someone new it will take time to grow that relationship and then have a family. Your cutting things close.

 

I am For things working out. But you aren't married and this is the second time around w him. Actions speak louder than words. If he is in his 30s and still hasn't established himself that's a sign. Take a step back and look at him. He's in his 30s is still finishing school and is saying how he's going to do this that or the other thing. How many people say that? I know a lot but they never get much done. At his age he's developed into the man he is Going to Be. He's a finished product in the sense.

 

Only you Know Deep down if his words are genuine or not. If you ask yourself if you believe what he says to you in regards to him getting things together what is the First answer that pops into your head? Do u believe him or do u think he's telling u more of what you want to hear?

 

As I have gotten older and have had this relationship I have learned. Love isn't enough to make a marriage or serious relationship go. There has to be more than that aligned up to make it work. You can love someone but still not be marriage compatible. Again if he aknowledged he has an Issue and will work on it then you have a shot. But if I were you I'd toss out a time line now! Tell him he has X amount of months to get school done and s career of his own or your done. It does not Matter if he makes excuses or doesn't agree. Set amount of time or your done.

 

Why a set amount of time? Because he can put up roadblocks and drag his feet because accomplishing it may not be who he Really is. And at your age things aren't as simple as they were in your 20s. Your getting into Deep Waters. You can still realize this isn't going to work and have a full complete Life of your own. Put in another 3 years w no results and you may not. Give him a set amount of time to get these things done and to get your needs met and Deal breakers satisfied; because that's what they are, your posting about them online, they matter to u. There is a Difference between Trying and Getting things done.

 

I speak from experience. Learn from my mistakes Please. I thought a lot of what you did. Heard all of this and went through committing to marriage In my 20s. Time passed and discussions over the issues turned to arguements. Arguements turned into screaming and screaming turned into me breaking down emotionally crying. W one of the issues of a career I gave her the time line. A year to get things done and it came and past. 3months later we are seperated. I hope he does start ripping through some of the issues successfully for you. But a lot of time has passed and a lot of talking has only been done. People responding may not understand why you have an issue w his current state of being but I do. It's admiration and respect.

 

"They say advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer and wish you didn't". Trust your gut. You'll be happy and successful no matter what you do.

"Successful people don't Make the Right Choices they Make Their Choices Right."

Edited by Brady375
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"They say advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer and wish you didn't". Trust your gut. You'll be happy and successful no matter what you do.

"Successful people don't Make the Right Choices they Make Their Choices Right."

 

I liked this... In the end it's about doing what makes you happy and satisfied in life...

 

Setting a time frame is really important and this is what i am going to do. To be fair I have seen him change over the years, he has quit drinking and hanging out with people that are a bad influence, and his sleeping pattern is a lot better. He only has a couple of exams left to finish school until summer, so I give him till the end of summer to figure things out...

 

It is a shame your wife didn't try to change things around about her drinking, because you seem like you really cared about her and you gave her more than enough time to show some progress. Many people won't spend so much time waiting around for things to be better. I guess she has to discover in her what makes her unhappy and she finds alcohol as a way out. Perhaps she will figure it out one day but you can't be there waiting for things to become better when you are in an unhappy situation.

 

This is the same for me too, I will support him for some more time but in the end I have to see what is good for me and makes me happy. I am not looking for a highly successful partner, I wouldn't even care if he earned less money than me, its not about the money, its about goals and ambitions in life. I would be happy even if he was a volunteer somewhere, but I cannot stand laziness, it goes against my character.

 

If I am completely honest to myself I am not sure if his attitude change will actually happen but I will give him some more time to prove me wrong...

 

I realize that i have a pattern of dating guys who are not as successful as I would like them to be and then i am unhappy in the relationship... Not sure why I do this, perhaps its insecurity or a situation i am familiar with due to the way i was raised. We both have to figure out if this other person is worth trying to "save" from their own selves and how much time and effort we are willing to put into it. Because all people at some point need help (in your case your wife needs to overcome her drinking problem and my bf his lack of ambition) and we should be in position to provide them with support, but not to our own expense...

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I agree Dee. Seems like you have your head on straight. I would just make sure you are Clear to him about what your expectations are and what will Need to happen if they aren't met. If he has any issues w you it's a good time to address that too. During this I would bring up the fact that counseling is an option if the both of you think it's needed. But the Seriousness of this needs to be clear so that he isn't Shocked by your responses.

 

As to my situation we did Not go to counseling together. We had a routine of me becoming upset over something usually after a night out and there was drinking involved and then the apologies and i would stew for a week or so and then try and let it go. Only until things happened again. I started to feel like things were happening at my expense n that I was being taken advantage of to a degree. In my situation wo kids we should be doing much better in life together w this partnership, except we would only go as far as I Could take Us. It wasn't the money for us either. I make enough to cover all of our expenses. It was that I was pushing myself into uncomfortable situations to advance myself. I got a promotion I worked very hard for and also pushed and recieved a job offer for what would be the top of the food chain type job in my career field but I turned it down to take the promotion at work because it was better for me all around. Meanwhile, she was coasting along.....allowing me to burden the load because she was comfortable where she was, add the behavior and lack of boundaries w the drinking n things started goin south. I started losing respect.

 

I wish I had done in a clear manner, what I have suggested you do. I think maybe w the Correct motivation, and w counseling maybe she would have gotten things together. If this happens when there are still a lot of good feelings around for u two things can be ok I think. But don't do what I did which is get caught up in the day to day grind and put things on the back burner or let them go unaddressed because it's less Stressful at the time or low conflict. The resentment builds and things get bad. Being a one girl kind of guy worked against me cus I haven't had more than a couple relationships and I learned this more by trial by error. Your problems are not no big deal that you should just cope n deal with or accept, if you try that it will strain things too much. They can be fixed but it takes work w Open eyes during the days and weeks as they pass and it takes self awareness on both ends. Open communication With Clear expectations on both ends.

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Also I will say get this in order now and soon again as you are getting into deeper waters in both of your lives. The next ten years of your life you are going to Write some of the Most meaningful Chapters of your Life's Story.

 

He's currently your bf. A comedian was discussing this joke and during it he said "man when I got married I said, omg I can't leave now, we're married.....then he had kids and said Dammit I could of Left!"

 

I am for things working out and I do not Believe this quote. But the point being is your Dating this guy. Before things get more and more committed get this handled.

I write long winded detailed posts cus your issues struck a cord w me and I want to help. I hope this does. I do not know you or your bf so take only what I say that applies to you.

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So basically your BF is able to live the life that people waste their best years trying to save up for when they retire?

 

Does his lifestyle have to really do with him or the idea of what you've acquired as status (I.E. high status male or wife in some cases) when other people are looking in from the outside?

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I don't understand why people are having a tough time understanding her post. Look past the money and how he's getting it. The issue is w admiration and respect relating to the drive he has in his life to become something, to do something w his one shot at life. He was given his property and can live well off of it but that doesn't change her principle issue w her bf.

 

Imagine if you won the lottery mega millions tomorrow. Would you just sit back and coast your entire life and enjoy the money? If the answer to that question is yes. Good for you there is nothing wrong w you. But I can relate to Dee as I would not Rest simply because I landed into 300million dollars. The pressure to achieve and to do more Good in this world or something better w my life and potential would be greater in my eyes. To some people they'd be happy living the rest of their days off room service. I am not one of them and I don't think Dee is either. To have admiration and respect and then consistent Attraction in a relationship dee may need someone who is more driven w more purpose in life. It seems that her bf has a lot of Other qualities she enjoys and they get along but this IS a deal breaker for her as if it wasn't I don't think she would be posting the things she is Online. She's opening this can be resolved wo having to toss the whole thing away.

 

For Dee: in a book and I'm paraphrasing it said when younger and not as mature people tend to choose Mates who are least like themselves.....as they mature and come into their own people then chose mates most like themselves. Idk how true this may be but I can see how it could apply to people. If you think about the qualities you Admire Most about yourself the writing states that finding these qualities in another is a good starting point for finding a compatible person. Just something I read to think about.

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Disagree I guess. *shrug*

 

When we were all young, none of that mattered and you just wanted someone to share life with. Sure, its definitely a consideration when you get older and IF that person may become a burden on you. However, it doesn't sound like he is and she sounds capable of being self sufficient and sucessful in her own right. His ability to do A or B shouldn't really matter to her when her particular situation is considered.

 

However if it DOES matter, I think its fair to delve deeper and ask "why?" Sometimes the why boils down to status in a mate and boosting ones ego by having others envious of that. His purpose in life doesn't have to be saving the world or climbing some status latter. Its HER purpose, sense of accomplishment, advancement, acts which should matter. As long as he's a good man to her and others, that respect enough in my opinion.

 

She, and you, may do what you will of course but he sounds like a good, sweet, caring guy who treats her well. People like that are hard to find and the truth is that NO ONE will ever have all the right ingredients but he sounds like he has some major ones that matter.

 

Lastly, note that she said he IS finishing a degree and will be looking for a job while she is ALSO looking right now. Could there be some angst going on there? Maybe he should be cautious that her push for him to make more of himself could come from alterior motives of making him a higher status provider or earning even MORE income for her lifestyle so she can not worry as much in her recent downturn. If so HE could do better then that. (No offense just trying the shoe on the othet foot.)

 

I personally envy the guy in what's about to come if there is another economic melt down coming....

Edited by fireflywy
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I Do hear what your saying and maybe some people want a mate to a Show off. I do think there is merit to what i am saying though. When people chose a mate and for them to be compatible some people want someone that is moving at their Speed. And it is plausible that a person may lose respect and admiration for another is that person exhibits signs of laziness or lack of drive. I hear you that choosing life goals etc is a personal choice but I don't think it's so cut and dry. In her specific case I understand her situation can be promising. But if he doesn't get some direction in life other than living off his property she may not find that attractive in a man and that may not be because she wants to show off certain things to friends but maybe just because she isn't attracted to those type of character traits in a person. He may have a lot of other qualities she's looking for but to have a relationship last a life time I think having issues like this aligned is important. Furthermore this is even More apparent if one partner feels as if the other is coasting along as the other is working much harder to help advance their life.

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Also when we are young we aren't concerned w such things. But people at that age aren't also dealing w the types of issues and things they wind up dealing w in a long lasting relationship or marriage that could last a lifetime. When I met my Wife Non of this stuff mattered as much in our early 20s as bf gf. Now in our 30s in a marriage we are dealing w other issues and trying to get ahead in life. I don't want to use the word burden but in some situations there's no reason why one partner should burden most of the load all of the time. Her situation I will say isn't exactly like that since he isn't a burden finacailly and in that regard he won't be dependent on her. Soooo w her u may have a point ☺️

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Thank you so much for your reply!

To make things a bit more clear... he only has one property but its large enough to provide him with a good income, however, he was given this property he never bought it himself and he doesn't really do much else about it other than take the monthly rent...

 

I suppose the reason I get angry with him is because he tells me he wants to finish his degree and find a job but he doesn't actually do it! Although he has only two exams left so i hope he will get his degree soon...

 

The other thing i didn't mention is that when occasionally we have arguments he gets very upset with me confronting him about the job issue, and once he got so angry he kicked some of my stuff and called me names... I was really upset but also i got a bit scared because he seemed out of control... This has only happened once and we had lots of arguments all these years... Do you think its something i should be worried about? I have read that people who are difficult to control their nerves can become abusive...

 

 

So from what I can glean you are concerned with the lack of motivation and ambition. I think a lot of people struggle to see the problem because right now - any type of sustainable income is an amazing quality that not many people have - what you are looking for is what a lot of people view as extras. That being said - if you want him to be something that he's not - which is what you are asking for - then you need to leave and find someone that fits that criteria. Plain and simple. I do understand how attractive it is to have someone around that has drive and is excited about bettering themselves, but at the end of the day it's not really your life. It's his.

 

 

As for the arguing - most people would get upset with that. He may have self-esteem issues in relation to it. He may feel ashamed. And when you question him it's sort of compounding it. I don't think it's the beginning of something, everyone loses their temper. I would just talk to him and see what's up. As for the kicking and screaming - that's not ok. When fighting both parties should strive to match tone. Also no swearing or name calling when arguing. Ever. It doesn't matter if both of you swear like sailors most days, leave that **** at the door when you talk to eachother. It's aggressive language and makes the fights worse. BUT - It sounds like both of you need to sit down and have a conversation about what the issues are. Where you can tell him it made you feel unsafe and uncomfortable and he can tell you what's bothering him.

 

 

My recommendation: If you love him. Just step back and be supportive. You do you. And let him be him. If you can't do that, then you need to leave and find someone that you feel will fit that but just remember, the grass isn't always greener.

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The reason why I still stay in this relation is because I have seen some improvement since three years ago. He is much more mature and thinking a lot more of the consequences of not trying hard to hake things work. I cant say there was not improvement at all because then things would be so much clearer than now, i would have left again as soon as I realized.

 

And after long discussions we have he agrees with me, he knows im right and he needs to move on with his life so I start believing in him but not entirely sure about it. I would definitely not go into more serious commitments with the way he is now. I have put a time frame in my head but do you think is best to share this with him? I find it quite harsh to say you have so much time to change... Did you go through this with your wife?

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I totally understand why people think I am asking too much or that he has an income why am in not happy with it?? But for me its not about the ammount of money he earns and for sure I feel glad what he has an income to support both of us... I could just stay at home then and watch tv all day... But i am not like this, even if i had lots of money i would still try to fill my day being productive... not necessarily in order to make lots of money! My problem with him is that he is at home aaaaall day in front of the computer playing video games! I wouldn't care if he was the prince of England, i wouldn't be able to stand him!!

 

And its not about status at all... i hate the sound of this word! I just feel that he has started sth that HE chose (studying) and since he continues with it he has to finish at some point!

 

obviously I would have left him long time ago if we couldnt agree over those issues... the thing is when we have serious discussions he agrees with me and tells me im right and he needs to move on and he wants to find a job and be active. My question in the blog was how to cope with this?

 

But thank you for all the answers it has made me see things a bit clearer...

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Wow, you have a guy who could be at home with any children you have. You don't have to worry about childcare or who will take days off work to mind a sick child. And you don't even have to take a cut in income to manage this!

 

Try looking at the positives here. And for heaven's sake, stop nagging him about his lack of ambition. He is who he is.

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