If they try to hurt you back, does that mean they still care?

[Ashtray Heart]

OK, here’s the story. We were friends from our first week at college and became lovers two months later. We were a close couple for 13 months – including a summer apart when we e-mailed each other at least once a day. During our separation I knew he was spending a lot of time with his serious girlfriend from high school (in group situations), which I was far from happy about. (My serious high school boyfriend cheated on me and I’ve had trust issues ever since.) But he did whatever it took to reassure me and when we were together again it was as good between us as ever.

 

Then in early December we were in bed together when the phone rang. We both thought it was a mutual friend calling to make plans so I answered it. It was her, sounding like she had been crying. Whatever she was calling about about was clearly Heavy because he asked me to leave so he could speak to her in private. Afterwards, he refused to tell me what it had been about – which made me insane with paranoia. So I did a terrible thing: I read his diary. It turned out to be a family crisis on her end whose details were the kind that you would definitely not want anyone else to know. So I felt like total garbage.

 

I still don’t know how but he found out what I had done and broke up with me on the spot. I literally begged him to forgive me and cried that I would do whatever it took to regain his trust. He said he didn’t want to close the door on us finding a way to be friends again at a later date – the way we had been originally – but he didn’t think he would ever trust me enough to be romantically involved again.

 

I had really thought that we might be married someday – I loved him that much – so I was absolutely devastated. All my friends agreed that my only chance to get him back was to do NC and give him a chance to miss what we had. That was two months ago. And it doesn't seem to be working...

 

A mutual friend just told me that she saw him at the movies last night with another girl and they were “smiling warmly” at each other. Now here’s the thing: this isn’t just any girl. It’s my freshman-year roommate. She and I were never friends. In fact, I used to make fun of her a lot when my guy and I were alone together. She’s Chinese but a total Jesus freak. (My guy and I are both Jewish.) She kept a cross on the wall of our room, which really weirded me out, and was always participating in these dorky “evangelism outreach” events with the campus Christian group.

 

Now I know for a fact that he’s not the least bit religious. I guess she’s OK looking if you like Asian girls, but she’s certainly no knockout. (I never got the sense he was attracted to her.) And last I heard, she was still planning to stay a virgin until she got married. (Although it seems like most girls who make a point of saying so publicly never manage to go the distance. Britney Spears, anyone?) So his choice is, to say the least, Very Curious.

 

I just don’t know what to make of it. Is he trying to hurt me back for having betrayed his trust the way I did? And if so, does it mean he still has strong feelings for me? And if it does mean that, should I make some kind of a move now before things go any further between them?

[LucreziaBorgia]

It doesn't sound like he was trying to hurt you. I expect if he were trying to hurt you, he'd have gone someplace with her where you were sure to see them and he'd be all over her. Its not out of the realm of possibility that he had kept this girl in his 'dating file' in the back of his mind - and when he became available, after a couple of months decided to take her out on a date.

 

'No contact' did work in this case: just not to your advantage. 'NC' isn't a trick to bring someone back to you, its a way to allow both partners to choose the best path for themselves at that point in the relationship. He chose a path which did not lead back to you.

 

You can choose to make a move now if you want to and let him know how you feel, but I really don't think it would do you any good. He already lost his trust for you, and it seemed pretty clear from your post that was the deal breaker for him. Your best bet might be to just try to get your heart back together and move on.

[CurvyGurl]

He's not trying to get back at you. He's moving on. May not be the best choice in transitional women, but there it is.

[true]

I'm a guy and this is my opinion. I've dated some beautiful women of all races and religions. Ethnicity, religion, beauty; none of that matters in the end. All anybody really wants is TRUST. You broke it!!! besides you sound really superficial and ignorant. Wake up the world is filled with people of different beliefs and different ethnicity, you came off like your superior to the other girl due to the fact that she has a strong faith in her beliefs. OPEN YOUR EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ashtray Heart]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

'NC' isn't a trick to bring someone back to you

 

It's not?

 

I know, I know... it's just very frustrating. I'm sitting here with this enormous amount of real love for him - a love that I know meant something to him at least once (I have e-mails to prove it) - and it has to get thrown in the garbage just because I made one stupid mistake? I mean what I did was bad. I'm not denying that. But it's not like I ****ed his best friend.

 

Speaking of which: even though the girl he's seeing now was never a friend of mine, isn't the fact that I lived with her supposed to make her off-limits? I mean, thanks to the fact that she was always around, we used to have to make out with her in the room. (She had almost no friends and I guess you can only spend so many hours a day fishing for souls.) She even saw him naked once! It's like she's trading on insider information or something.

[BeachBummer]

IMHO...

Current roommate = off-limits

Former roommate = fair game

[_Saffy_]

Speaking of which: even though the girl he's seeing now was never a friend of mine, isn't the fact that I lived with her supposed to make her off-limits?

 

why would she be "off-limits" ? she was never a friend, and by the way you are putting her down, shes probably very sensible to keep it that way. from the way you have described her, she sounds like an extremely TRUSTWORTHY gal, maybe thats why hes attracted to her.

 

I mean what I did was bad. I'm not denying that. But it's not like I ****ed his best friend.

 

its still a betrayal of trust. would you like it if he had been rummaging through your personal belongings? whether it was because of a previous relationship or not, you clearly did not trust him so the relationship was already doomed.

 

 

 

I used to make fun of her a lot when my guy and I were alone together

 

always participating in these dorky “evangelism outreach” events

 

I guess she’s OK looking if you like Asian girls, but she’s certainly no knockout

 

She had almost no friends and I guess you can only spend so many hours a day fishing for souls

 

 

 

sounds like he made a good choice to me. he isnt coming back, get over yourself, you blew it.

[TranslucentThoughts]

You still have feelings for this guy... so of course you're going to be upset when you find out he was with someone else... and honestly, would it really have made any difference who it was? Probably not. Whoever it was... or is... it's going to hurt to know about.

 

Here's a little story for you:

 

Awhile back when my ex and I first broke up I found out he had a little thing for this other girl. She's really pretty, smart, artistic, super nice... everything a guy could want... and I was so incredibly jelous. I mean... How dare he like someone this perfect, right? And of course I should be worried, right? Uhh.. wrong. I spent all this time worrying about how they were going to end up together, how they were so much alike... and how upset I was going to be... then when we were all at this party last month or so... My ex ends up with this nasty girl. A girl who I had bad mouthed when we were together... and whom he had bad mouthed too. (btw-no one likes this girl, she's mean!) But!!! He fools around with her and shuts me up! Haha. It was really all quite funny now that I think about it... And I have really no idea why he did anything with her in the first place... part of it was his drunken state, and i think part of it was him trying out the single life and having a "player" attitude.

 

Anyway... I'm not sure what the point of that story really was... But..

Maybe it's a good thing that he's dating other girls? Maybe it will make him miss you more... realizing that it's just not the same. And if not... then maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

 

I'd be mad too if I were in your ex's place... but... I'm not sure if I'd break up with someone over it. I don't know... some people deal with things drastically and just differently I guess.

 

Give it time though.. see what happens.

[JoL]

Two months and nothing hey?

 

I would move on. If he wanted you back he would have come back, made contact, emailed you..SOMETHING.

 

If this guy really loved you ..REALLY REALLY LOVED YOU then he might have wanted to work things out. But two months with no contact from his end means that he has moved on 100%.

 

I think maybe he just didnt love you enough to want to make things work. Or perhaps he is just happy on his own and didnt regret his decision to break up with you.

 

He has obviously moved on, and so must you.

[Ashtray Heart]

Originally posted by true

I'm a guy and this is my opinion. I've dated some beautiful women of all races and religions. Ethnicity, religion, beauty; none of that matters in the end. All anybody really wants is TRUST. You broke it!!! besides you sound really superficial and ignorant. Wake up the world is filled with people of different beliefs and different ethnicity, you came off like your superior to the other girl due to the fact that she has a strong faith in her beliefs. OPEN YOUR EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

"Ignorant", eh? That would really hurt if you were capable of conveying your meaning using lower-case letters and single punctuation marks. And "superficial"? I'm not the one going out of my way to mention how good-looking my exes were.

 

But you're absolutely right on one point. I do consider myself superior to this other girl. Not because I'm better looking than she is (though I think I am) or because she's Chinese (which I only mentioned because it struck me as an amusingly incongruous ethnicity for a Jesus freak to have - I mean they have their own religion, don't they?) or even because I think Christianity is stupid and evil (well... let's not get into that). But because of a variety of personal characteristics. (Ability to mind my own business admittedly not being one of them.)

 

I'm sure you'll feel emboldened by that to call me conceited or some crap like that. But aside from the fact that you don't know the first thing about me [At least I've met the person I'm talking about], you're only advertising your hypocrisy. If you're going to claim that you don't think you're better than at least one other person you know, you're a ****ing liar and that's all there is to it.

 

But if you want to anonymously shoot spitballs at a complete stranger for not kowtowing to the standards of false modesty, go right ahead and get your jollies. Only don't spend too much time on it, stud. You don't want to keep your beautiful girlfriends waiting.

[JoL]

I think the point True was trying to make Ashtray, is that women can be beautiful no matter what ethnicity or religious background are.

Although i am not christian, i think it quite offensive to label an entire religion and stupid and evil. I think that is serious sign of persons own lack of intelligence.

Although i do not agree with a lot of religions and their different rules- i certainly DO NOT go around labelling entire groups of people evil and stupid.

 

I dont think you just think you're better than this girl the problem seems much more serious than that- you have some underlying issues about religion it seems. If this guy was dating a good looking jewish girl would you be as offended?

 

Well, at the end of the day she may be only "chinese", evil, stupid, dorky, not that good looking.. (all direct quotes from you) but hey! SHE is the one dating "your" guy...lifes just not fair is it?

[_Saffy_]

Well, at the end of the day she may be only "chinese", evil, stupid, dorky, not that good looking.. (all direct quotes from you) but hey! SHE is the one dating "your" guy...lifes just not fair is it?