snoop_dawg22 Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 *I'm a new poster here* Been browsing LS for a while and told myself what the heck. Writing in the journal is cool but I'd like some replies. Ok, here goes. Been SO for about 3 yrs. Recently broke up in September. We still hang and act like the usual couple. We do still sleep together and spend nights w/each other as well. Here's the deal. I've asked quite a few times if we'd get back together. The response: I don't know. I am still referred to ask an ex but the SO says that nothing has changed we're still us. WTF does that mean. Then this person asks if we'll still get married. My response don't you think we should be dating? So I've told this person last week that I wanted us to get back together. The response: why? Mine: b/c I love you. The reply: oh really. And it was left at that. Now when I say I have plans to go out and do stuff w/other people, I get hassled. Why? I'm really tired of waiting. Then I say well if we're not together then I think we should spend less time with each other. That causes and agurement and it boils down to I'm looking for a title. Maybe I am. What to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Universe Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 Is your ex seeing other people? Do they want to? If not, then I say don't pressure them. Labels can impose a lot of unnecessary pressure. If you love each other and want to be together, then why do you need to put a label on it? Labels put a certain permanence on things that can seem overwhelming for some people. I say you're better of just calling is "us" for as long as it's comfortable to do so. But they're referring to you as an ex. That's a label too and carries a pretty strong message with it. It blatently says, We're not together. So is it that they just don't want to be owned? Or do they want to test the waters for other fishies? Is this a monogamous relationship? Do you want it to be? Do they want it to be? Link to post Share on other sites
Author snoop_dawg22 Posted February 4, 2005 Author Share Posted February 4, 2005 I really don't know if my ex is seeing other people. I have made it known that there are others intrested in me. You are so right about "ex" being a title. And it hurts me too. It's like when we first started dating and we were going out for a good 3 months, I asked if we were a couple. Finally got an answer. I just wonder if I just roll with it will we eventually become something more than ________? We're just chilling. Is an answer I'd get. But last time when we "took a break" the ex ended up kissing someone else. That hurt and I just wonder if we're not getting together b/c they do want to test the waters and see what's out there. Maybe I should let them. I tried NC but it only ends w/him showing up at my house. Can't avoid him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author snoop_dawg22 Posted February 4, 2005 Author Share Posted February 4, 2005 As for being monogamous, I'd say that there are unspoken expectations there. Link to post Share on other sites
Universe Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 unspoken expectations sounds pretty dangerous. You have to set limits that correspond with your respect and love for one another. It's sounds like you need to take a step back and really look at yourself. Ask yourself what it is that you really want. Ask yourself if it's fair to ask that of the person you're with. Once you've answered these questions for yourself, you need to talk to your ex about it and get everything out on the table. It sounds like he's being pretty unfair to you by not really explaining his position. He's being vague about how he feels because he's afraid that if he tells you the truth, you'll leave. In that case, you probably should leave. I hate to tell you this, but I think you need to prepare yourself for the likely possibility that this person simply does not want to be attached to you in any way. It seems pretty clear that they don't want a commitment. It is likely that they are unable to give you what it is that you want. If this is the case, I think you need to break off this situation where he is getting all the benefits of a relationship with you, yet giving none of the commitment that you seem to need. You can't let yourself be walked on. You need to make sure you are respecting and loving yourself completely before you can expect someone else to. If they still don't, then there isn't much you can do. Be honest with yourself. Then be honest with your ex. It doesn't need a label. But you need to set whatever limits that you feel are necessary. Good luck. BTW - I'm a severely broken hearted soul who has just lost his love forever. So take my opinion for what it's worth. Link to post Share on other sites
snoop_dawg2 Posted February 6, 2005 Share Posted February 6, 2005 Thank you Universe for the eye-opening response. I am really afraid to put it all out there but I know I have too. He is getting all the benefits of a relationship, but yet and still refers to me as an ex. It isn't fair to me and I deserve to be w/someone who wants to be with me. I hope that time will heal your pain and that you will be able to move on. I know what you're going through and I know it's the worst feeling in the world. Be strong and you'll be able to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted February 6, 2005 Share Posted February 6, 2005 when I was with my ex I told her we should cool off on the relationship title thing and jsut hang out and let our feelings control our actions. I did this because she was still in university at the time and I coudl tell the relationship thing was having too much importance in her mind and I wanted her to just focus on finishing school and then when she was done we could be officially back together. She of course took this to mean I was breaking up with her when honestly, I wasn't nor was I trying to play some wildcard of not being "wit her" to see other peple or whatever....I simply wanted her to not focus so much attention on "us." A few weeks after telling her this I then told her I wanted us to be officially "together" (so have the title of a bf/gf relationship) and she said that no, she couldn't do that at that point. Anyway, we still hung out and acted the exact same as we always did and did the exact same stuff for a couple months but then we totally broke up. It was a good thing that happened because I realized she was changing at that time and the girl she became wasn't the one for me. Anyway, I dunno what to say about your situation...try not to stress over the title stuff like I started to if things are the same between you guys but at the same time if he is trying to makc up on other women give him the ultimatum- either he is with you and only you or he isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author snoop_dawg22 Posted February 7, 2005 Author Share Posted February 7, 2005 Thanks for the input guys. Right now I'm so confused. I've asked myself if this is what I want and if I'm just holding on to something that feels so comfortable. But when I look at him I still get that feeling when we first started out. He actually asked what I wanted from him and all I could say is to be honest with me. But he says to look at what he's doing ( his actions ) and that should say enough. He said he didn't know what to tell me and that maybe he's been thinking wrong about me. That I'm not seeing that he's with w/me whenever he can be. So maybe I'm being unreasonable, maybe not. I don't know. I think/say to myself. Is it wrong that I want to be with him? Is he wrong for not telling me he wants to be with me? Who knows?!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Universe Posted February 7, 2005 Share Posted February 7, 2005 What was the reason for the breakup? Was it just because of the labels? It's good that you said you just want to be honest. Have you asked him if he wants to see other people? If you believe he's honest with you, then go with that. But you can't go on too long with it being lop-sided like this. You might want to consider spending some time apart so you can sort things out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author snoop_dawg22 Posted February 7, 2005 Author Share Posted February 7, 2005 I'll be honest. We broke up b/c of my insecurities. He was still talking to his ex-girlfriend. He couldn't handle me being jealous and upset w/ him all of the time so I just wanted to break up. I still ask if he talks to her and when and he is honest ( now ). I've asked before if he wanted to see other people but then he turns it around on me and says that I want to see other people. When I'm only asking to get clarity. On one hand I truly know and feel that he loves me. But hey this is one thing that he said. He doesn't want to have the title b/c that's when I start trippin. Meaning getting in his stuff wanting to know who, what, when, and where. Thus the insecurities that I've had before. I know he may be afraid to get back ( officially ) but what can I do to show him that I'm getting better. I don't name drop, I don't question unless I feel it's called for. I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts