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<//=- What is she trying to do here ??? -=//>


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Ok i am probably going to answer my own question but I just wanted to see what some of you have to think about this.. ok my ex got into a car accident about a week ago. i was nice blah blah and called her too much. She got a temp car and was back to herself again..(hanging out with her bf all the time and not answering when i call) ok so whatever i go back to NC as of this past friday. She called me today at work on my cell phone and i said i was busy and to call me later if she wants:::quick note. She has a bf, but still asks me about other girls all the time etc..::: After telling her how i feel and this and that I have decided that I am going to play the game back by letting her know that I am dating other people (she will bring up girls and I will just avoid it or whatever or ask why she cares) I dont mean trying to rub anything in her face or anything like that... Even though I am not, I really don't mind going to this because there I have done everything and poured my heart out to her. I have found it easier to not think about her all the time etc....

 

 

So....... She calls me after work at night and is like what are you doing blah blah.. I asked her about something involving her car accident. last time i talked to her she was sue happy and so thats why i said you shouldn't be like that blah blah and she got pist and said you dont even understand and she hung up on me.. ok I actually laughed about it afterward.. Now I know she was waiting for me to call back and say sorry blah blah but i didnt. She calls me back 5 minutes later and asks if i didnt want to talk to her and if i wanted her out of my life ??? I was like i never said that. (BTW i was the one that always called and asked to hang out and she was the one that always had to go or had an excuse on why she couldnt hang out with me) So we talk a little more... She sounds like something was bothering her.. So i say ok well i have to go get ready to go out and she says "well im sorry for bothering you" I told her she wasnt and she was like ok bye..(in a pist off voice that i ended the convo quickly)

 

Im sure she was pissy because she wasnt getting her way so thats why i say this is probly my answer to my questions.. But have any females done this ???

 

I just want some input and see what you people have to say. I already know how I am going to act and this and that. I am just going to act like I have moved on and I am dating and when she asks about other girls or whatever I am just going to say it doesnt matter or why do you want to know? I mean she doesnt tell me shiz so what the hey why should i ? To make her feel comforted knowing that I am still single and waiting ?? I DONT THINK SO...

 

I do want to get back with her but basically i am letting her know that as of now she has lost me and let her decide. That is why i am going to front like i am dating.. Like i said i poured my heart out to her only get get shlt in return so this is my other option i am going with right now. I dont like to play games, but being honest hasn't gotten me anything so yeah...

 

So anyways id like to know what you all think about this...

 

Thanks !!!

 

PS.. she broke up with me because i moved away blah.. i moved back and she has a bf (cuz i moved) now but denies it..we were together for 7 years.. as of now we have been broken up for about 4 months (for those of you that dont know)

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If you haven't noticed yet... the NC get's the best of her. But you're losing it everytime you talk to her and bring up feelings and emotions. You're letting on too much information and NOT leaving her wanting more. Curiousity gets the best of her and you fill her needs that she STILL has you dangling on a string. She's NOT going to dump her new man in the course of a week knowing she still has you wrapped. She has to feel as though she lost you completely. Cause this is what will happen.... He'll ALWAYS be there for her, day and night, phone and email.... but you won't. In turn, gettin the best of her... he becomes less of a challenge, you become more. As hard as it is, you have to fight your urges to answer and call her back. It's not a game.... it's you putting your foot down, non verbally and letting her know that she can't keep you on a string. Follow me?

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Ok mine and Mix's scenarios are the same in a way. That being 7 yrs and now with a new guy. If in only those waysand nothing else still the long term and the new man part. The same thing with contact althugh I broke it off and startd NC 1 week go today. In Mix's case don't you think he got to her a little in that exchange? I am just curious because I see what you mean by implementing NC but I also see that she had to confront some feelings reagarding him when she got all upset and basically didn't get the call back she had thought for sure he would make. I mean he did control that exchange but you still think it was a negative? I am just trying to figure it out. I mean how long do I go NC? How long before their daily routine and my not being heard from turns from, who cares, to hmmm what happened?, to wow what is he doing now, to God why hasn't he called, to I guess he moved on, to oh well I guess he isn't calling, to I am engaged........? At some point the law of diminishing returns comes into play. I know a week is nothing so I am not saying I need to call but just curious on any ideas you might have.

 

She left me 3 months ago. She had told me 2 weeks ago that she, "had been let down and dissapointed". She was crying on the phoine when she said that. She told me she cries when she is alone thinking of everythig she has thrown away. She said, "He does things and I think to myself, Drew (me) would never do that to me". Etc. So she is seeing some of the writing on the wall I would think. We did keep contact up and I made some mistakes, professing love for etc. She knows I date a girl that is into me but I am not exclusive with her because i am not ready.....

 

I don't know where to go from here. I just think that full NC will be fine for a little while but at some point I don't want her to stop missing me and become 100% dependant on this other pin-head. Any thoughts? Mix? D?

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she won't stop missing you and you are on her mind. A few months isn't squat compared to your seven years with her. The first thing you have to realize is.... she's WITH someone else. So why talk to her? You're showing weakness knowing damn well she's with someone else. More then likely, you could be or could've lost her respect. Respect is important to have. And in order to show it, you have to show aloofness... as if you can live with or without her. NEVER show or express feelings or emotions while she's with someone... even though it's your first instinct. She made the choice to leave and go elsewhere for happiness... so it's your job to let her jump in the hole that she dug for herself. If she calls or still makes contact, chances are she's not truly happy. But sometimes hearing from you that she could 'still have you' is enough to satisfy her emotional needs. It sucks, but that's the way it goes. Think about it for a second... why would you even WANT to talk to her if she left you for someone else??? Naturally, because you love her, BUT... look past that and come to terms with where she is at who she is with. She left you.... she hurt you... do be so easy to satisfy her needs now. As far as dependency.... forget her becoming dependent on him.... it'll never happen. More then likely, with NC... you'll become more of a challenge then he will, causing her to become even more dependent on you.

 

Looks like we're all in the same boat on time frames.... I had my 'friend' in my life for seven years too, unfortunately, she failed to tell me about her marrying her pinhead. So at least you guys have somewhat of chance... hahaha... mine would have to get divorced in order for me to ever talk to her again. He's got her wrapped pretty good.

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ThisIsMIXWELL

actually DinNJ i have put my foot down. i think yesterday with the phone call has her thinking. and as far as me doing acting like i am dating is my way of sayingn hey you lost me and if you want me then you are going to REALLY show me that you care about me and that you want me back. I wish that we didnt have to play games but nothing else i have tried seems to be working so this is why i am resorting to this. So i am just waiting out this process. thanks for the input !!.. imokurnot you shouldnt feel that by not calling your ex that she is going to forget about you. You were with her for 7 years and that is IMPOSSIBLE !!! at least she crys and tells you that she thinks about you and misses you. My ex doesnt even show anything. when i was doing NC a little while ago i gave in after 7 days, but my ex did say that she wondered why i hadnt called her in a while (which shows she was thinking about me) -=) so anyways trust me she will be thinking about you and i think that once they realize that they cant have their way anymore they might wise up a little but and open their eyes as to what they're doing. if they wont do it on their own we will force them to see the light !! haha j/k.. anyways hang in there and don't give in. It really does get easier as time goes by. I know when i heard that i said BS too but it does !! so go out and have fun and try to just not think about it and see what happens. it sucks doesnt it ????

 

peace

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Yeah I know what you mean about challenge. She broke up with him like 3 weeks into their relationship to see other people (me) and we had an awesome weekend. Then Monday morning she was talking to her best friend (the new guys cousin btw) on the phone while I was getting in the shower. I heard her say, "So he acts like nothing happened or no big deal huh?" I know she was talking about the new guy. She tried to play it off like it was a work issue but come on I wasn't born yesterday, it was the day before, sheesh. So the next day (Tuesday) evidently after our awesome weekend, that she says she will remember for the rest of her life, they are exclusive again. We had a great time and she said a lot of things that had been our problems she sees clearly now and they were communication and misunderstandings that could be worked out. I mean I am not an idiot, she truly had a great time. When the weekend started I had dinner and candles in the room and she walked in and started crying. She was soo happy. So this guy truly either plays aloof and hard to get or he isn't really into her. Although she said they did get in a huge fight about her saying she needed to see other people so I think he cares.

 

Now we aren't talking and she never wants to talk to me again. This is 4th time she said that with the others all ending after 1 1/2 weeks or less of NC. But this is the first time she has put, AND THIS TIME I MEAN IT! In capital letters at the end of the sentence. So if I am to believe that capitalization is that powerful when applied to a few words added to the sentence, then I am worried I'll never talk to her again. This was after her abortion last Friday (2 fridays ago now). When I found out it was likely mine. Previous to the procedure I thought it was his for sure and gave 50% of cost and she and I were close. He fought with her for two days agfter she found out. Weren't talking to each other for the 2 days that followed her finding out she was having this traumatic experience. I thought that was brutal. Then he was NOT going to the procedure with her at ll once they made up even on that Wednesday. her friend was (his cousin) but she couldn't get the vacation day and on Thursday he had to go because otherwise, in her friends words, "I would have had to send my dad with her. That wouldn't have been good." That to me is the most disrespoectful thing I have ever heard of...He should have felt obligated not by her, but himself felt compelled to go and make sure she is ok. Even if the friend is going I would have gone at least until she came out and was ok. Then go back to work or whatever it was he was suppose to do instead of going with her. I mean it couldn't have been something he could not get out of since he did go after all was said and done, right? To me that is more than a challenge that is disrespect.

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Yeah lets do the NC thing at the same time (Now) and support one another. I am dying to just blow this whole thing up though and send an email telling her what I feel to be serious injustices done to me for years. She has told her friends I am an ass. Actually I was too nice I am starting to see. I was an enabler and she manipulated me terribly. She has copied some harsh email that she sent me in the last 2 months. This last one where she said NC etc. She was mean and it was a reply to my very warm nice caring email. I discussed personal feelings etc from the 7 yr relationship. Well her reply with all the mean stuff in it, brutal just brutal, she BCC'd the new boyfriend and her best friend! Early in the break up she received a very sappy love email from me. I was hurting really really bad. It was so sweet and nice that if I read it now I get a cavity. But at the time it was my feelings and my hurt coming out. Well she forwarded it to the new boyfriend and her best friend and added "HE NEEDS HELP!" I was pissed and I feel like just blowing this whole thing up on her and me. Copy everyone on one final here is the truth email.

 

They have no idea she was cheating on me for one. For a month at that. They have no idea she had the abortion last week and that it could have been mine. More importantly that she avoided my calls when she had found out it was likely mine. Even after I broke down and cried on her voice-mail about finding out it was mine. Not about her and I but about the abortion and my own sense of guilt. I had a receipt set to tell me when she got the messages and it was hours and hours later that I got upset after no call back. She had told me the night before she "Loves me very much". Then she avoids my calls and even hears a few upset and hurt voice-mail from me and won't respond even hours later? Oh I am pretty upset at her (FINALLY). She knew I was hurt about finding out the baby was mine. Finding out after it was done and had no time to go through the emotions and come to the conclusions she had a whole week to work through in her mind. I just don't see any reason to not call me and talk to me for 5 minutes in that situation I'm sorry. 5 minutes or less, if she was busy she could have used 1 minute to call and tell me she will talk but today is not a good day and set something up. No, nothing just avoided me and my calls.

 

There are other things like get this one. She was calling in sick at work and playing hooky to go down to the other guys house when she was cheating on me. Well her work told her she was calling in sick too much so the took away her bonus. 3K bonus every 6 months and they took it away for the previous 6 months. Well she complained that she has been in counseling and it was because of her ex (me) and that I was harassing her. So they have me on file with the security guards at her building. She misses work now and they can't do a thing because she is under stress and seeing a counselor. The funny thing is she has been at my house and called in sick to spend the day with me as recently as 3 weeks ago. Now they are going to even give her the bonus she missed and they feel sorry for her. I wouldn't tell her work at all, but to me that is just brutally wrong. I mean that is terrible in my mind. First using me as an excuse for her calling in sick to cheat on me? Then to use me as an excuse to get her bonus back? My name being on file with some rent-a-cops at her office building? She went so far as to file a police report on me to make it look legit. Only I filed my own and logged everything. The cops asked her why she had me make her dinner and visited me the night before and then filed a harassment report lol. They asked how she could borrow $300 one day and the next file a complaint against me lol again.

 

So she lies and manipulates people and circumstances. She gets away with it and makes me look bad. She still says she loves me and sees me but I don't want to be her excuse and especially not if I am made to look bad as well. Here is the kicker, she tells me that if I do anything like tell everyone or email them something I will just make myself look worse. Trying to get people to feel sorry for me or something will only make me look worse than I already do. Huh? I love the manipulation. She has told everyone she broke up with me because I treated her like crap. A huge lie and they all think I am a jerk. Yet if I give some facts and not even from my point of view, just the basic events as they occurred, I am going to look worse. Oh please, I better not send it out now I don't want to be thought of poorly lol. She has me worried now about how I am viewed? I am an a-hole but she cheated on me and the 7 yr relationship for no reason without even trying to work on us? She sends my personal feeling and thoughts in email I wrote for her to a guy she has known for 3 months now saying "He needs help" and I am an as*h*le? Oh what because I said something mean on her voice-mail after she refused to call me back when i found out my baby was just aborted? When I had to sit here and picture her and the guy that she cheated on me with d then chose over me as the sit somewhere deciding to abort my baby (again I wouldn't have done anything differently and I am OK with it all now. Just her reaction and the way she dealt with it at the time still sucks)? If I am a bad guy then....Make way for the bad-guy! You will never see a bad guy like this again! I am not sending an email....yet. But God I am tempted to just blow this thing to smithereens! I never go on the offensive and for once in my life I would like to get the truth out there. Not for any other reason than to get the truth out there. People think things about me that are so wrong and twisted it hurts me. I could care less what people think about me and never really have. That is if they have the facts and can make an informed decision. But to have lies and half truths out there kills me. If the truth is out there and they still think I am an as*h*le then I can live with it. But to be slandered and sit here and take it because if I let the truth come out I may look bad...??? wth?

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BrainRightHeartWrong
But God I am tempted to just blow this thing to smithereens!

 

imokurnot... your ex is a psychopath.... a total psychopath!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

i had one of my friends in a similiar situation with a whacko last year except it was even worse!

 

you haven't done a damn sign wrong with her as far as i can see from your posts

 

make sure you tell your side of the story to everyone... she don't deserve and respect whatsoever!

 

if you tell your story every rational person will see the truth!

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You know I just think it is wrong on one hand to be vindictive. But on the other hand I think about these people like her parents and the image they have of me. It was wrong not to stand up for myself previously but I thought I was helping her in some ways. Like once she took 10K out of her moms bank account (my ex was on the account in case anything happened to her mom). Well she moved back home with her mom and said it was because I had lost my job and we couldn't pay the bills. Well that was true I had lost my job...I quit for a better one and got screwed on the 160K base and everything else in the package when me previous boss called and slandered me. I should have sued but my ex didn't make me too confident that I had a case. She wouldn't talk to me for 3 days because the job I left, I was sales rep of the year and had won a vacation to Atlantis in the Bahamas and by quitting to take the job I got screwed out of, we didn't get to go on vacation. Well I was pretty upset too losing out on the job but it never crossed her mind.Her mom had to explain that to her and she came home one day and finally apologized. She said her mom said she was being selfish! No duh! So anyway I still had 5K in the bank and 10K in stock I cashed in. She took the money 5 months later and I was working at the time???? So her mom and I weren't talking but we were to talk to her mom "soon" and straighten it out so we could move forward with her blessing and plan for marriage or whatever. It never happened.

 

Oh this is funny too. She moved home for a while and her mom found an atm deposit receipt a day after she took the money. Her mom screams at her about stealing from her and giving me money. She owed it too me for a present she bought her mom and didn't have her wallet with her. I had given her some cash that she was to put in the account the next day to cover outstanding checks...anyway So my ex still had my atm card and runs to the bank and takes out $300 and gives it to her mom so in her mind her mom would stop yelling at her. Her mom screams at her again and says, "First you steal from me and now your stealing from him?" Of course the checks out all came in and the bank chose the perfect order to make all 5 bounce. If they did it in a different order 4 could have cleared lol oh well.

 

She will just compromise things that are just not things that you can compromise. She does it to prove something to someone to garner their affections. That is exactly what not talking to me the day of the abortion was about. She was with him and in her mind she was showing her loyalty or her love for him by not talking to me about it. He was with her so she didn't talk to me about an abortion of my baby. I think he would have understood or if not he is an as*. Maybe he guilts her into things like that and sending her I WILL NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN EVER email. I don't know if he needs those things and lets her know in some way or if she just decides he needs them and does them on her own. I do know it pisses me off to the point of blowing this thing up in her face for good.

 

Not to hurt her, although it will. But for the truth to come out and my reputation to be defended. I don't care if they hate me after the truth comes out, that's on them. Also I would hope some people around her would realize she needs their help and support and not their just telling her what she wants to hear all the time. Her friend (the new guys cousin) and her never disagree on anything. They share a brain I swear. My best friend and I call it like we see it and can have a difference of opinion on something and fight about it or discuss it for hours. Even if we get so upset that we don't talk for a week we both respect each other. We know we will see each other or talk it out in a day or two. We know that we learn something from each and every difference whether we know it or not at the time of the argument. She has these friends that don't challenge her to be better or be more or even be what she is capable of becoming. They accept her flaws which is great, but challenge her to overcome them. That is what friends do for each other if they are mature and confident.

 

Oh well there is one vote for the TNT to be brought forth. I have one vote for not bringing it out. He is a friend and a wimpy guy. Even when he voted for no TNT he admitted he understood where I was coming from and it was a tough call for him. He doesn't know half the stuff and neither does anyone here on the board lol. There are so many stories that just floor people I can't choose sometimes which to tell.... The email if I write it will be very long. It should be short and to the point but that would be impossible on some incidents....

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well i think i have made my decision.. next time she calls or when i call i am just going to lay it on the table and tell her how i feel and that i am fed up with her games.. I have decided that i dont even want to start playing games or this and that.. At least she will know the truth. I am just going to say that hey i moved back and i have enough to worry about and i dont need these "games" and that i am moving on so she needs to decide on what she wants.. I dont want to act like i am seeing someone or this and that.. Thats not me and thats not how i feel. at this point its not like i am worried about telling her how i feel. at least she knows what the deal is and she can decide, instead of playing head games and trying to figure out all this BS.. so i dont know maybe tomorrow i might call or i might just wait until she calls me again.. so i will give you an update on how things are... any advice ? opinions ???

 

Peace....

 

imokurnot, i dont even know anymore, im just going to be honest and truthful, but let her know that i have had it and she needs to decide what she wants... enough is enough and the games are getting old and i dont feel like playing them.. so i dont know what to tell you.. I know this is an oppisite post from my 1st but its how i really feel inside and i am not going to hide it.. if she comes back, she does, if not, then whatever.. I have a life to live and enough shlt going on that i dont need these games..

 

Take care...

peace..

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Mine was kind enough to show up at my front door after not having seen each other in 4 years. Confessing of her failing marriage that she so conveniently forgot to tell me about. Yea, to a guy that I told her not to marry. Apparently he hit her kid shortly after getting married... on top of all the other crap he put her through over the last four years. But it was ok, cause now she was leaving him for good because she was in LOVE with me, always has been and didn't realize how strong her feelings actually were for me. She moved out of the house with her son and begged and pleaded on the phone with me for 3 months to trust her feelings this time around... so I did. Finally agreeing to spend a week together in her home town during her sons birthday. I went... it was great.... got attached to her son, gave her the attention, the affection she had always been missing and wanted from me over the years.... then came gifts... dinners... money... and a trip to Disney for her son that she couldn't afford. Yes, she said she loved me, Yes, she asked me to consider moving to her area... Then, the day that I left, she was kind enough to pat me on the back and say "Thanks" for a nice week. Three days later, I received a sweet email letting me know that her ex was in a near death car accident and that she was obligated to take care of him. As the days went by and she nursed him back to his feet, she had felt that she forgave him for everything he has done to her and her son and wanted to make things better with him. So sorry she was. Thanks babe....friend of seven years. Since that email, I have received nothing from her in almost two months. Nice way to end a long term, everyday contact friendship huh? With an email? What have I learned??? That this girl has got more issues then any other girl I have ever met... that she'd rather be unhappy and tied down then being alone with her son. And that she wouldn't know what love was if it was telling her for the last seven years and then drove 700 miles to tell her to her face, during one of the most memorable weeks of her life. I also realized that she had NO intentions of leaving him cause she's co-dependent on him for the simple fact.... he's there and I'm so far away. She settled. AND apparently she's unfaithful too, so in the long run, I'm def. better off and from what my friends have said... I can do WAY better.... and now.... I have.

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Mix.... don't call her.... telling her exactly how you feel is exactly what you shouldn't do.

Imok.... don't do anything.... let her live with the guilt, cause she knows she's wrong.

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Hmm... I know what you are saying about not letting her know how i feel, but seriously Din I really dont feel like playing games ! haha My mom tells me to basically play the game, and my dad tells me to just have an honest talk with her and tell her that I am done with playing games and explain my position. So go figure. Thats why they arent together anymore.. so I am caught between the 2 opinions right now. I would really just rather call her and let her know how i feel.. i know that it is being weak or whatever. Maybe I should think about it more before i decided to call her. I really would just like to maybe go get some coffee with her though and just let her know whats going on and let her make her know whats going on.. I dont know im more of a person that would just rather tell someone exactly how i feel, rather than play games and whatnot. thats why i would like to just tell her how i feel and stop playing games. at this point its not like i am concerned about feeling like a dumbass or whatever. I always believed that you should just be honest and upfront with someone. So I will wait to see what other people have to say on here also and just think about what route i want to go a little more, but as of right now i am leaning more towards just telling her whats on my mind, so there are no hidden feelings. Besides I am moving on and worrying about things in my life, so its been easy to not think about. I don't think by telling all this that I am going to be all depressed or anything is basically what i am saying. So thats it for now. gotta get back to work.. :o

 

peace

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Mix- I am in the same position I go in and out with the tide. D has probably the best advice for us both. But one part of me says that I need to be true to myself and do what I feel is right and if it works fine if not fine also. But life is a game some times. If you don't want to play it and in fact don't, it is going to continue to play you. I hate that people can't understand their emotions or their reasoning behind their actions. That they are led around by things that they don't understand are even controlling them. I at least know I am being led around by my emotions and admit it. People do little introspection these days and are actually proud of it I find in most cases. It is a much simpler life to live. Instant gratification and little guilt from what I can see from the outside.

 

If you do what you feel you want to and give in to it, you and I both know you will lose. By lose I mean you will not attain your current goal and neither would I. You have to look at your goal, or at least the goal that you hold right now and plan your actions (or in-actions). All of your actions should be to best give yourself a shot at that outcome you have in mind as your goal. You have to see big picture. In my case I am hoping that by seeing big picture and working on myself, soon my goal will not be as important to me and my life. If I attain the goal great. If not I will have some self-esteem left and I will have definitely moved on in many areas and not be so consumed with my ex. I am not saying NC forever because I cannot see myself as doing that either. If I don't hear from her at some point I will do something you can be sure of it. But not for a while longer at least.

 

People are right about them not missing us and we just push them further and further away. I'm going to give the new guy enough rope to hang himself with. Their in new relationships and it will get old at some point. They all get old at some point. With us sitting here allowing them to know we still care there is no reason for them to do anything. The guys they are seeing are on their "A" game, well at least in my case, because he knows we are a threat. I want him to relax some and let his guard down. This is when his true colors will come out and she will see him as he truly is. The longer I am around, the longer it is going to take her to see who he truly is and they can really decide if the relationship works. Right now their only negative (in their minds) is me and the past relationship. This can be used as the excuse for everything and be used as a source of any problems they have right now. The longer I am in the love triangle the longer they do not have to face their own issues and see each other for their own imperfections and flaws that we all possess. Right now it all comes back to me and me being around. I am allowing her the chance to direct all her frustrations and project all the other guys faults and issues they may have as a couple on to me. He gets off totally free for now because I can be the reason for anything. From jealousy, to neglecting her because he thinks of me, or whatever. I for one am not going to be an enabler and an excuse for their relationship. Let them have a chance and all we can do is hope we did enough in our time with our SO. If not we can hope for a chance to do better with them if given another shot. But begging, caring, letting them know we love them and are here isn't going to help. They already know that we are here and at least they think they know what we have to offer. I am doing everything I can to be a better person if very visible ways. If she can see me in a new light and from a new perspective that only helps my cause. I hope you are doing the same thing...Good luck!

 

 

D- Wow sorry to hear that story. Brutal! But you say now you have done better? So you have someone new that treats you the way you deserve and want to be treated? If so I am happy for you. I am sure Mix and my issues will work out that way as well even if we can't see it right now. I am glad your happy and thanks for the posts.

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Imok.... yes... but a few weeks of hangin' out with someone new can't compare to the seven years of emotional attachment with the other. My heart isn't in it.... so I'm probably kiddin' myself. Hence, me still typin' away on LS. But you are dead on with your post about not allowing yourself to be envolved in the triangle. It'll keep her from making a move as well as Mix's girl. It's like getting the best of both worlds for them.... physical from the present guy in her life, and emotional attachment from the ex who is hangin' on. I try not to use the word game.... I'd rather just call it.... 'not putting up with the bull' Yes, it hurts... one- cause you want what you can't have... (she's with someone else) and two- she did something to you that you NEVER would've done to her... (betrayed) The only thing that keeps the hurt coming is the anger you feel. The anger is now the bond that keeps you connected with her emotionally. If you let that anger go.... you forgive her for hurting you, accept that she totally disrespected you and know that she's a complete mental basketcase who isn't cable of real love and in turn...you'll break that anger bond.... allowing yourself to feel just a wee-bit better about yourself.

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im seein it a little different now.. imokurnot of course when you start out a relationship both people have their A game. they want the person to like them.. After a while though your real personality comes out. With all 3 of us having long relationships we have seen the real side and i speak for myself when i say that i liked the real person my ex was. Anyways about calling her and telling her... that was my dads thoughts (male) my mom is the one that is saying dont call and play it off (like everyone else on here) Who knows females better than other females right ? I guess i probably should just work this out from the females side (playing games). I really hate to use the word playing games because I dont like to see it like that and I am not trying to hurt anyone, but I just have to play games by the way I act basically.. I cannot be myself and show my true emotions right now. I also think that me not calling her and making her think about me will get to her more than us talking about it and me telling her everything. When I broke up with her, she was whatever but then broke down and even wrote me letters about how she feels.. I honestly didn't really take it into consideration and think about it... However once she said she had a bf or was hanging out with another guy friend, thats when i realized that I could lose her and THAT is what brought me to MY senses (she played the game and it worked) Thats why I really would like to try to play the game, but I still would really like to sit her down and tell her how I feel. So I think I will just do NC right now so i dont say something i might regret or let her know my feelings and then wish i could take it back. At this moment as I am typing though, I am starting to lean back to playing the game and sticking with NC... So thats about it for now..

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One up above this regarding "blowing this whole thing to smithereens". Should I write that letter or email? As long as all the things I want to get out in the letter or email are left unsaid, un-explained and unknown by the parties involved, I cannot rest. It goes through my head constantly. If there are things I would like her to tell some people, the truth on some things, yet she won't do that for me because she will look bad, should I? I have the power to do it. I just didn't ever want to do it because it will hurt her. But hurt her in ways she had avoided by lying or blaming me for these things. So really she deserved to take the fall before and just never had to. Well if I send this it is time to pay the piper I guess huh? So yes on one hand it will be hurtful but it is the truth and if the truth hurts, that's life. I wouldn't slander her or make things up. Just like above her parents issue and the money. She took her moms money and blamed me basically for not supporting her well enough. Well I told her for months before she took the money, "Do not touch your moms money ever!" She would say alright but in a mad way. When she came home and had taken the money I said, "PUT IT BACK NOW!" She had already spent it on bills and stuff she tells me. I say, "YOU BETTER NOT HAVE PAID ANY OF MY BILLS WITH IT!" No, she tells me she hadn't paid my bills in 3 months, arrrrg! So her mom made her move home and supposedly never talk to me again lol. She had to go home to live rent free so her mom could recoup her money. But it was blamed on me basically. There are so many other things that I want cleared up it kills me every day.

 

Read above, It is like 5 or six messages above this one if you hadn't read it already. Let me know your opinion on blowing it all to smithereens. I truthfully think the only reason I haven't yet is for fear of how mad she will be and I know I will never hear from her again if I do it. So I definitely know a part of me still wants there to be an us. Another part wants to do what she has tried to do. That is screw this thing up so much we could never go back lol.

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In that you feel this urge to sit her down and talk things through that you feel are important. I do the same thing. There are points I would have liked to get across before I started NC. Sometimes I say too much and it hurts me. You may have the same urge to explain yourself everytime as I do. Don't just try the NC thing. See how when you thought she was on her own you were less chasing or needy? It worked then it will work now as well I have the same feelings that if she never hears from me she will have an easier time moving on. But listen to your mom and people on here. I am not going to go 3 months with NC I will tell you that. Maybe not even 1 month lol. But a week or two, actually I am at one week today so I am doing pretty well if I do say so myself. For me this is a record and by a long shot lol. You and I are wrong and the others are right on this one. Your dad is like you I am sure and wants to explain and show he cares etc. I think they already know we do that..........So what is left to say really?

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Unfortunately, but not unfortunately I've never established an intimate relationship with my 'friend'... well... that's not true... we have dated years ago, but remained close friends until our feelings surface this time last year...it got worse before it got better, then now.... when our feelings REALLY surfaced...it ended. For good? Who knows? The bottomline... she did ME wrong and not the other way around which is why I CAN'T go to her. She knows she's wrong and what she did to me pathetically wrong... married or not, a person shouldn't treat another like that. Yes, I too, would like to sit her down and talk to her... I too have a million questions. Everyday I think to myself... geeez, if I could just say this to her, maybe she'll listen. Or if I can just let her know blah blah blah, then maybe she'll understand. And everyday, I think of something new that I'd like to tell her... Guess what??? I've driving myself nuts, because as I'm daydreaming of what happened and what could've been and how could she have done this or said that to me... the reality is... I know she's moving on without me. Is she happy though??? History tells me, yes, right now she is.... but in a couple weeks, no way.

Everyone's first and gut instincts are to 'tell em' how you feel' 'express your emotions' but we all know that statistics show this is the worst thing you can do in these situations. Yes, it seems it's the right thing and the honest things to do... but it never works. EACH and every girl that I said a little too much to, has pushed herself further away. Learn the lesson... I also believe that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' is a hell of alot stronger then 'out of site, out of mind' Not quite sure about the ol' 'set em' free to see if they come back to ya' though..... I set mine free last year.... she came back stronger then ever.... lied to me, used me and beat me for $1000.00 and a whole lotta lovin'.... then split for a guy who makes her cry over and over. Go figure???

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Wait, no intimate relationship with your friend? Wasn't it like 7 yrears? Or am i off on this time frame. I guess if I am not then it was truly as a friend in the beginning huh? Don't take this the wrong way please...but are you male or female. Dose not matter to me at all I am just trying to see the relationship dynamics and how they may differ as well as how they are exactly alike. Sorry if I was reading something into "friend" etc if it is not the case.

 

I mean those aren't things I want to say to get her back. If I wrote the email and cc'd the people I plan to cc her and I are done. It is for me to get closure and get the truth out about many things that have been blamed on me and tarnished my reputation. I am so much more concerned with my character than my reputation because it is who I truly am where as my reputation is only what others think i am. However, I don't care what people think of me or how I am perceived if they have the truth and all of the facts. If i blow this whole thing up in an email or letter and then they have the truth and think I am an a-hole, fine. I don't care what anyone thinks if they have the facts and that is what bothers me every day. see above for details........

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Imok... I'm a male.... time frame was the same.... that's it. And Yes... she started as a friend... with obvious non surfaced feelings. We dated briefly, hooked up, whatever... only after she left the father of her son and when I was 'off' with my ex girlfriend at the time. Let's just say we found comfort in each others arms when our relationship went bad. She had bigtime feelings for me, but I was too dumb and hung up on my ex at the time to make a go with the 'friend'. ( 3 years ) Finally when I decided to walk away from my ex for good, my 'friend' had decided to move across country to be with someone else. (another 3 years go by) but we still kept email and phone contact everyday. Mostly small talk, but the 'feelings' for each other were still there. Within the first month of her move across country, she complained and cried to me about her boyfriends behaviors, always dropping hints that she and I would've been great together. Finally this time last I had the opportunity during one her 'break ups' from her boyfriend to tell her how I had been feeling all along. Yup, I told her I loved her.... she returned the feelings... and pulled away from me, but not totally. She decided to go back to her ex again, taking back her feelings for me. Throughout the last year, I kept in contact with her but it was like pulling teeth. THEN, towards the end of the summer, I mentioned that I was seeing someone, was happy, and was only trying to keep our friendship for the sake of the history. (Regardless of feelings, she still meant alot to me as a person) Out of no where, she decided to travel back across country cause she wanted to see her family and needed to see me along the way, because it's been so long since we saw each other. It was then, during a 2 hour heartfelt visit that she claimed that she had gotten married during summer, but didn't wanna tell me because she knew I still had feelings for her. The marriage had failed, it was a mistake and her husband had hit her son among other shi#. She then claimed she still had feelings for me, stronger then ever and would never, EVER walk away or out of my life again. Which brings us up to my going to her hometown for a week's visit... blah blah blah... it was nice, we hooked up, she "loved me", used me, lied to me, and walked all over me and then she changed her mind, and forgave her ex the day I left and wanted to work things out with him. So that's why I call her a 'friend' ... because we never had the actual title of boyfriend/girlfriend. Should I be hung up on this??? Not so sure.... there was a strong, long term emotional attachment there.... and sometimes an emotional attachment is worse then a physical attachment.... you know what I mean?

 

As far as you sending the email.... I don't think it's worth it. Like I said, she knows the truth, let it eat her up. Besides, make sure you're not just looking for an excuse to make some kind of contact with her. Like trying to get a reaction out of her??? Don't sweat that s*** man.... let her make her own mistakes, let her fall. She dug the hole, she jumped in... let her find the way out. I know you still have hope for the two of you, which is why your emotions will do the talking. That's not what you want.

 

It's like this... and this goes for Mix too.... especially Mix. Woman are tough and most are way more emotional then guys. They think totally different then us... in what they say, how they act and how they think.... especially when emotions are on the rise. As far as you and mix.... as long as the ex knows you are there and they can have you and any given moment... they WILL NOT act on it. It sucks, believe me, but it's the truth. You have a better chance of the getting the reaction you want, when they start think, they DON'T or CAN'T have you anymore. Period. Look at mix's ex.... why do you think she's seeing someone else, but still has the balls to call him once in awhile just to pick a fight or play sad. Subconciously, she's feelin' him out... just to make herself feel better. It's a selfish move on her part... cause she knows deep down inside he'll tell her what she wants to hear. And that's.... "I can still have him, if I want him."

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hahah that was alot of typing... I guess I could've summed it up by simply saying... the 'friend' was the one that got halfway away. One that I was trying to hang onto. Kinda like something you'd see in movie or something. With all the friends saying to me over the years... "Don't let her go, hang on to her, she's a keeper" only I never quite listened to them at the time... but when I realized I had the chance to get her back and act on it... she put her tail between her legs and settled for the guy that makes her cry and continues to make her unhappy. That's how it goes. That's how it always goes. Nice guys finish last.

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wow Din i know we have talked about it before but your situation is alot worse than ours.. So i am just going to keep on with the NC thing and see what becomes of it.. i have been doing good and not calling her, so we will see what happens from here. I swear I pray to god that I NEVER have to go through this again with anyone else or with my ex !! God only knows how she felt when i did this to her about 4 times in the 7 years we were together.. i was a dumbass though and didnt know what i want until i didnt have it basically.. I love this chick to death and I hope she follows her heart. I know she loves me and cares for me, so she will just have to come around I guess.... Unless she is truely happy with this new guy.. I know she might be now, but sometimes i just wonder if she is really happy, especially in the times like this when i am not calling. Maybe one day she will realize what she lost.... i wonder if she thinks about me when she is with him and misses me.. Im sure she does.. O well we'll see what happens...

 

Hang in there guys and take it easy...

 

Peace

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Nahhh, I wouldn't say it's worse... because the physical attachment isn't really there. Or at least it's not that strong. The emotional part is for the simple fact... it's been going on so long. Sometimes getting to know someone through email or on the phone rather in person is better, because you get to know that person and become attracted to them through their words and their heart rather then on the physical level. For me, it's definately, more on the emotional level... and less on the physical. Crazy part is... her looks were always considered a BONUS in my eyes.... she was a beautiful girl, but her heart was even more beautiful.... at least until now. I guess you could say...her true colors showed through.

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Both of them combined I guess is the toughest of all. Thanks D for sharing that story. Brutal! That does sound as bad or worse than mine. Unfortunately it is of little or comfort to know that so many people are confused in this world. They hurt others along the way and it just sucks. But like you said she s a good person and doesn't mean to do it so what can you do? Good luck!

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