So he's lonely....

[Lorelai]

Okay, last night I get a message from my ex.

 

I dumped him because after nearly two years he not only couldn't say he loved me, but despite knowing I liked more contact (we weren't long distance) was perfectly fine going weeks without seeing or talking to me. There's a lot of songs that come to mind -- "I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to use you just to have somebody by my side", "Girl can't help it, she needs more -- he hasn't found what he's looking for" all explain it well. No one's fault... "You can't make your heart feel something it won't".

 

But I was a wimp and did it in email, and also said that the only reason I knew that it had to end then and couldn't wait any longer was because I was feeling so much more like a booty call than a girlfriend that in a moment of weakness, when one of the many guys who had asked for my number over that time asked, I gave it. I wasn't going to cheat, but we both deserved someone we were equally into.

 

After six months, I emailed him saying that I knew it was my job to offer the olive branch for friendship if he wanted it, that no, i didn't see that guy or any other but that I felt I did the right thing because I was really down on myself feeling like a failure because I wasn't what really rang his bells. That I definitely owed him an apology for being cowardly and using email, even if I offered a F2F and explained at the time it was because I don't do conflict well, and I explicitly apologized for it. We spoke a little, conversation drifted, never refriended, but the "happy terms" thing.

 

So last night, after nine months since that time, he emails asking only if I'm seeing anyone. I say only a new shrink thankfully (he's a great doc, much better than my last, I have Bipolar I, distinguished from borderline personality, and I take my meds). Thought maybe he had a friend, because when he sorta asked for NSA last time I explained that I wasn't sure if we should be *that* good of friends.

 

He said he's lonely, and wants to hang out.

 

If he actually does regret losing me, I'd give him one more chance. But it can't be NSA.

 

Is there a gentle way to express this if he does initiate physical contact? We had a great chemistry. But I haven't had sex since being with him not because of a lack of willing partners, but wanting more than NSA.

[pidgeon1010]

Sounds like nothing has changed. He wasn't available during the relationship and doesn't sound like he is available now, at least not for the type of relationship you are looking for. He is lonely and running back to familiar territory for comfort. It does't sound promising to me but I could be wrong.

 

You can't make anyone want to have the kind of relationship you want. After nearly two years, he wasn't invested in the relationship. The fact that he asked for NSA relationship is big red flag. He threw a breadcrumb to see if he could put his NSA proposal into action. I wouldn't indulge his "hang out" request. Move on and find someone who actually wants a committed relationship.

[Lorelai]

Sounds like nothing has changed. He wasn't available during the relationship and doesn't sound like he is available now, at least not for the type of relationship you are looking for. He is lonely and running back to familiar territory for comfort. It does't sound promising to me but I could be wrong.

 

You are probably right. He hasn't dated many people, and I was never the type to start fights, plus even though I won't say I'm not crazy I at least do something about it. I like to think I wasn't horrible to date. And we did have excellent chemistry, so until I wanted things to progress (I'm 35, I'm too old to deal with someone who doesn't know their heart) he was probably as happy as he wanted to be.

 

You can't make anyone want to have the kind of relationship you want. After nearly two years, he wasn't invested in the relationship. The fact that he asked for NSA relationship is big red flag. He threw a breadcrumb to see if he could put his NSA proposal into action. I wouldn't indulge his "hang out" request. Move on and find someone who actually wants a committed relationship.

 

The sorta hint about NSA was quickly backed away from, he said he needed a partner to test out rope bondage on, would have been fully clothed. When I said I thought that was a little too friendly, he apologized and said he hadn't meant to offend me. But obviously his little head still remembered that I did things that made it feel good -- those little heads have long memories.