Jump to content

Second time back, two years and a rash decision later, I am at a loss.


straykitten

Recommended Posts

I've lurked for a while, and shame, for sharing these experiences before I could have progressed here and not felt alone, but here I am, overdue!

 

To nutshell this story, let's go back three or four years ago. The story of how we met is long but, I met the most wonderful guy. And we fell for one another. We started seeing eachother and had many moments before we properly got into a relationship, and it was a wonderful run. A year later, he broke up. We were having problems, I was not getting help for my anxiety/depression and he was in a rough place. So he broke up and we thought the other hated one another for nine long months, no contact. He cut me off but his blogs were always about how he missed me and just couldn't hate me, and I felt the same. One day, I messaged his Facebook which he hadn't cut me off on as we never added each other on it, asking for a game of mine back...I still loved him, he still loved me and we finally reconciled.

 

In that nine months apart, I had started therapy, meds, he had started his. We were able to resolve our mistakes and build up another near two year relationship again. This time round...it had grown more serious. More sentimentalies, understanding, support, memories. I have folders and folders of our letters, his drawings and artwork, his small and big gestures...our plans next year or the year after to move in together. I rent alone right now but he was always here, half his life is up here and everywhere!

 

We were so happy, and the previous problems we had never became an issue again. It's been near another two very solid years...this 24 year old man of mine even expressing constant affection about believing we'll last for years and he's so, so happy to have me and he could never go through the break up again, because all the time I thought he hated me he was so hurt. Relapsing and trying to face therapy. One time he said he screamed in his car and broke down crying, I know how hurt he was because even when we got back his friends have always been afraid of it hurting again.

 

So...five months ago. He starts to slowly lose himself. He starts getting less frequent with texts and we're in an LDR and he comes down here once a month. Things build up. He has become even more like that with friends and family, who tell him he's useless for it, whilst it worries me but I remain gentle and encouraging in hope that he'll sort his sleep cycle and health out and recover and be able to text properly again. We got back on a very sentimental but firm resolution: my trust, his communication. I gave him all my faith and trust but his communication got so bad that any weekend apart, it was predictable he'd go silent for all of it, sleep, just generally withdraw. It's driven my friends crazy knowing I worried about it so much.

 

I would be firm but gentle, and again and again he promised to take care of himself and communicate more. I tried everything but it made it harder. He was starting to fall behind, we barely caught up, and I was losing his communication.

 

He always said he was down in himself, or that he felt useless and unmotivated to draw and just things within himself. I didn't want to add to it, but he's the kind of person who if you worry about him, he feels bad and doesn't want to cause that trouble. Although he was always so worried about me knowing what I was going through.

 

But he kept his faith. He kept going. Even though he'd have to email me at his work because he was asleep pretty much every other time or until i saw him in person, he has always said the same things:

 

That he loves me more and more every day, that I'm his princess, that even though his depression hurts, I make him so happy and that I am so kind, that he sees us together fighting together and that he wouldn't run away from this or give up. I don't mean thrown words. I mean the same guy who 3 years before literally sat on his knees and held my hands and opened up his heart to me after learning of my past and all the abuse and fragility I had , saying this with all of his heart. Speaking so highly of me to his family and friends, and always showing love but somehow also managing to be more and more idle, asleep, not around.

 

The last time he came here was a mixed bag. We bonded more, we were sentimental, we made love and it felt the most sincere and sentimental, he was as usual my best friend and so loving. But I cried, I told him how worried I'd been. I asked if he'd rather break up and panicked and said I didn't know if he cared. And he held me and cried and said of course not, and as usual, he was so sorry for every time he'd promised to Skype, text, be around...and not be around nearly 90% of those times.

 

He was so sorry, he wanted to show me. I have so many messages but I ended up saying okay...but because we're having xmas and NYE together, let's aim to try and resolve things that had built up by then. Built up because he neglected me and those things for the last few months, but most of all he was neglecting himself and his mental health.

 

I didn't put pressure on him, but i did my best to encourage him. Last Friday, he started working harder, texting normally and lovingly. You know, again, that he was here, he had faith in us with all his heart and he would face the things that he had let linger on. I finally thought things were looking up.

 

Fast forward to Monday and a weekend of silence.

 

and these emails at work he sends me.

 

"Sweetheart, I'm here...*cuddles you* I;m here and I've not disappeared...I've not meant to be so quiet this weekend either and I ended up being ;;; ugh. I'm here honey and I will be around after work and we can phone sweetheart. I'll ring you when i get home and get settled *cuddle* i'll catch you up and I want to know what's happened unu *kisses you and nuzzles you softly* you probably haven't felt like it but I do love you to pieces *squeezes you* I'm going to give you a fuller catch up when i can honey *cuddles you tight* I love you princess u.u i really really do *licks your nose softly*

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"

 

 

This is normal for him. Normal soppiness, pet names, everything. The kind of thing he could never say if he didn't mean. Please bear in mind that he is blunt, and won't say loving things to lead others on, and spent nearly a year realising he was in love with me for real and that we'd be okay.

 

And then, before he goes home from work, I get this after being firm but gentle. I say I've missed him, that stuff's happened my end this weekend and if we can catch up.

 

 

"my bosses are going soon sweetheart, I'm going to get what I can to you *cuddles*

 

We can call after work honey and I will continue to work hard to get everything done by new year *cuddles you tight* I'll work hard honey and i won't take any time for granted unu *kisses you softly* We can call when I get in and settled and you can catch me up and I'll catch you up. I've not lost that faith and I do have faith...though that probably sounds stupid because of this last weekend...i'm still keeping faith that i can...

 

I've got to go now sweetheart, my boss is leaving and I dun' feel very well so i wanna get home and get warm *cuddles you tightly* I will let you know when I am home sweetheart *licks your nose*

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx<3"

 

So I happily think oh gosh, yes, we can catch up and we can also finally resolve this soon and be like how we were before once his sleep cycle is sorted! this is good, a step, I hope he sticks to it because he always falls asleep and gets bad eventually.

 

My phone blinks and he's texted. Ah, he's home! He's ready to call

 

and just...I was wrong.

 

The coldest text. Out of nowhere.

 

Calling it a day. Saying I was right, he had lost faith in us. That he was ill from being anxious and he felt ****ty about the recent panics and arguments, that he was leaving and not to contact him.

 

I have shown my friends the text, who know him well, and if you know this guy well, he's a very warm person. I thought back to the time before when he broke up. A short, cold email. He was upset, but even the day he sent it, it destroyed him. He spent that near year crying, missing me, not knowing how to reconcile or talk until we finally managed to again and from that year apart when we reconciled, he told me that it had taught him so many things.

 

That he really was in love with me, that running away didn't help, that he could never ever bear to go through that again no matter what. We even tried to think of what could possibly be bad enough for us to break up and even cheating and stuff, was still put under "things I'd want to work out no matter how long it took" for him.

 

His text said the arguments recently made him ill but...we barely argued. We panicked and had the odd spat, it would always go back to him not communicating but never once did we get vile, angry, spiteful which is what happened before the first breakup.

 

So this time...was so sudden. In that car journey home, in a mere half hour, he went from optimistic and loving to cold and hurting. And I know he's hurt, because once again, he's cut me off. He turned his phone off, he's deleted me from LINE, he's blocked me off Instagram...he just can't bear that right now. I get asked if that text is really him, that's how in disbelief my friends and even family are.

 

and the worst part is tonight, he was meant to be up here to watch me graduate tomorrow. He was going to stay here this weekend and he had looked forward to it for months and wanted to show my family how proud he was and take me out for celebration and spend time together resolving these built up emails and catch ups.

 

I don't know how to not break down tomorrow in front of everyone. I have cried so, so much.

 

And it hurts me because I know that this time round, we didn't even have the same problems, friction, conflict. That for months I have watched him grow down in himself, and say he hates himself and he's insecure and ask why I don't too. I've encouraged him to get help, get meds checked, work out his sleep cycle and he's always appreciated it but never gone through with it. To admit so many times he's aware of this, just to flip in one text and decide to blame it on me by saying he can't be with me and can't do this and that he feels under pressure over our recent "arguments" and ill just..

 

I understand but I am so frustrated that he has gone back on his words so so quickly. I know on that drive home that he has panicked, that weekend he panicked, that he panicked and just did the only thing he could think of but then I sigh because whether or not we're together, the only way he'll get better is if he faces himself and stops avoiding getting help. Because he was starting to take it out on me and make me cry which was nothing like him.

 

Am I crazy for thinking he just needs time to sort himself out and that he'll eventually reconcile with me?

 

I mean, I judge it from the time I've known him. Even once when he fancied me, he withdrew for a few days and "called it a day" out of panic, but then when we broke up the first time it was for genuine reasons and yet he never fully did lose faith and we eventually worked out.

 

That he can just turn his back on the two years we've had of strong and faithful times, giggles, laughs, being here for eachother through worse times than this, that he can just pretend none of it happened because he's only very recently panicked and we've had a few minor spats..just feels so out of place.

 

I want him to get help, I hope he does but is it so wrong of me to believe so firmly that once he's calmed himself and come to terms with the things he's caused by neglecting his depression, with me, friends, family...that he'll come around?

 

He came around despite the first breakup having a very very bad end and reason. We still loved the hell out of eachother. So this time, I just can't see him never coming back over something small that wasn't too bad but requires him to care for himself and face reality. Because last time we liked each other a lots but in the last two years those feelings have grown more, he's become much stronger, and faithful and happy and to see him down enough to throw it away is so out of place...

 

that if we could get through such a ****ty first breakup, that this time again breaking up while he's head over heels in love and he's definitely not forgotten the past two years versus the recent panics, or the sincerity of his gestures, words, everything when he has been around, that if he loves me even more this time and we had no genuine problems except an inevitable couple obstacle (communication) that this will be okay.

 

It's so hard to talk to anyone, and I still feel this isn't fleshed out enough to illustrate what I mean when I mean the last two years. I hope at least you can trust that I mean it when I say there's been so much faith and sentimentality that's genuine. I am a realist, even pessimistic sometimes and have been played about years ago before I met him, so I'm not a doormat for guys and I know I'm sensible in why I feel this way too.

 

So I don't know if this is the right place to post this but...what do I do to try and keep faith but also not break down crying so much?

 

He has done what he thinks is best right now but this is why before I kept suggesting we take a break temporarily or he needs space so he can get the help he needs. After all, I can't expect him to have faith in anything or us when he has none in himself and feels useless.

 

His text was cold, it was a dick move to cut me off without even letting me reply or say it to my face, to do it right before the graduation he'd waited with me for, for so long, but I refuse to be angry or hate him. I think he's panicked and suddenly backed into his shell as that's what he does under pressure but I know that once more he has broken up whilst still being in love, and now more so, and now with no reasons to hate each other, no actual anger between us.

 

Am I crazy to have a gut feeling it's going to be okay? Half my flat is his life, because he practically made a home here. Next year we were going to go to Japan together and then move in and take our MA together. We were by no means too close for comfort, but we were the best of friends. He's not only chosen to break it off but he's cut off someone he's called his best friend, and for someone who has retained so much faith even while he's been down, I can only understand that he panicked and sent that text, that he has not truly lost all faith in us but right now it's difficult to think straight or face himself, that he's basically just chosen to hurt himself and fall back into relapse when if we could just have spent more time talking when he'd been awake more and refreshed, it wouldn't have taken much to resolve the communication worry.

 

I know that he sees the world in me, I can attach stuff here if I sound crazy and I'm new here and I'm scared I will sound typical, but I really am talking about the most loyal and commited guy that's put his heart into everything both the year before we broke up and the two year's second time that has just ended. He doesn't always see much in himself, but he has always seen so much in me, in potentials, I've always rooted for him and my room is bombarded with his words and letters of encouragement.

 

I know it's stupid but is it okay for me to have faith?

 

I know with all my heart that he didn't send that text wanting to do this but he was given what felt like an ultimatum and panicked and the closest thing to blame besides himself for the 3959494930th time was me.

 

But he has once again cut me off, and said don't contact him again, and it feels so out of place. I wish he was at least doing this because he felt no love anymore, or so he would get help, but I know from everything that's happened that this break up is just going to end up with him hurting himself even more, missing me even more and assuming he can't talk to me and that I hate him. I know it. I've seen his tumblr vents about it during that year apart, I've first hand held him as he's told me all of that year apart.

 

Should I just give him time and try to reach out again? should I wait until he comes back even if it's another excruciating nine months? I tried seeing people briefly last time, tried hating him, tried moving on and nope. Both of us were destined to see so much in the other, love each other's flaws but right now he cannot have faith in himself and alas he has panicked and said he's lost it in us, just not his love or feelings for us.

 

I know his friends will encourage him to hate me and move on but that he won't. I know I won't either. I am so lost. I can't stop breaking down and crying. Especially when half an hour before he broke up he sent such soppy things he meant at the time.

 

Has anyone else had similar issues? I know if we ever talk again this will come up and we will reconcile but has anyone else had a third time lucky getting back?

 

I am in disbelief. Really, he'd been stressed and he'd been sleeping lots but he'd remained so loving and would never blame it on me, this is so out of the blue and confusing and all I can do is play the waiting game once more.

 

If I should add any extra flesh to this, how we met, anything else, anything that makes it clear I am not overestimating him or assuming his love for me, please say!

 

but yeah.

 

I am so so broken and conflicted, and he obviously is too, and I don't know how long it will take because even right now, or soon, I know he's going to have regretted trying to blame me for his avoidance and I know that saying such a cold thing when he loves me so much, even the thought, makes him cry and feel horrible.

 

I'm sorry, I'm so messed up right now. He just threw our future plans out of the window and I have to spend every night in my flat alone surrounded by his presence because there's so many games and clothes that I'd either return to him or keep but it would be cruel to give them away or throw out.

 

nervous this isn't fleshed out or reliable enough but here goes.

 

and yes, I am rooting for him to get help. I really hope he does, but I know only once he's had time to get on his feet will he ever be able to talk to me or have faith he's a good enough boyfriend for this despite his feeling awful for bad communication and going silent so much.

 

This could have been the success story of our second chance had I joined sooner to tell the tale but...I do have the entire reconcilation and logs and memories of in person. In the end when he returned my game, he'd even left a letter in it, that he was thankful it brought us back together in a way and now Brawl is even more coveted.

 

We are so silly. He is so happy when we are together in person, and LDR can be hard but we manage...until he gets this bad and isn't around to communicate and inevitably this was going to happen. He was worried when I was worried we'd break up, even scared I would break up. I know with all my heart that he is doing the same thing he did the first time but this time he doesn't even have any way to force himself to hate me or try to move on and I don't know how he'll focus on his mental health and face his neglects in himself

 

Until Monday night, until the last couple of months of not knowing what to do about this, we were definitely one of the luckier couples and we were successful and closer and stronger from getting back. To just throw it away right now...and not even want to but panic and just do so...I'm so lost. Do I dare attach our full story or would that just make this more painful? agh!!

Edited by straykitten
Link to post
Share on other sites
remorseful_tab

This forum is a bit slow and your story is so long. It will take some time for people to fully grasp it and post a reply. Just wait and hold on.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Your story is really long that's why you haven't got responses. Try and summarise it otherwise people just loose the plot. I didn't get to the end... BUT ...He's not a safe partner. Too many ups and downs for you to deal with.

 

One minute soppy texts and then he goes cold. I was thinking that he had a GF who sent the response.... only to find out it was him.

 

He'll keep breaking your heart. You need to go total no contact with him. He may have a disorder and need help.. but lots of guys don't come with that stress and heartache.

 

Congratulations on your graduation.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ThorntonMelon

Happy Thanksgiving to you.

 

Your internal wiring is completely shot - a relationship like that which you describe is not wonderful in every way. It's going to take you therapy and time to work through what causes you to be attracted to a situation like you described.

 

You have a choice right now to invest in yourself and do the hard work necessary to find a truly loving relationship that is stable that you deserve, and I hope you take it.

 

Best of luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Your story is so sad and heartfelt. ((hugs))

 

It sounds like he's a people pleaser who doesn't have much strength of his own. He became what you wanted and in doing so, drained himself dry. He didn't blame it on you for so long because he loved you so much but when it got too much for him to handle, he shut down cold, blaming you for his inability to continue meeting your needs.

 

Someone like this might also be conflict averse so any conflict is perceived as the end of the world. With conflict averse individuals, they'll agree to anything to get out of the confrontational situation. But when they've had time to think about things, their own needs and resentments fill them so you become the bad person who doesn't appreciate everything they've done for you.

 

You can't fix him. He has to fix himself and no amount of love and support can help someone like this if they don't wish to be helped.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...