Distrustfulness is ruining things...

[Glitter_Fairy]

Hi,

 

 

I am new here. Thanks in advance for reading my post!

 

I just got out of a 7 year relationship. Currently, we are trying to "work things out." In the beginning, my boyfriend was the unstable one in the relationship. He would micromanage my time, fight and question me on everything little thing. I stuck it out with him because I had hope that things would get better, even though during that time he was just unbareable to be with.

 

I should mention that when I met him I was 24 years old, my parents had just gone through a nasty divorce. I had rocky relationships during that time with both my parents. At the time I met my boyfriend I was basically homeless, living with my friend and her mom.

 

In 2009, I was admitted for 6 days into pscyh unit due to PTSD due to a sexual assault that was in 2006. My boyfriend was supportive during that time.

 

When I left the hospital I moved in with my father to get myself more stable. I went back to school to earn my bachelors degree.

 

In September 2011, I moved in with my boyfriend. He was supporting me while I was in school, even though I was working full time as well, but he was getting paid $18 an hour, when I was only making $9 an hour working in retail. My boyfriend was going to psychotherapy, which I paid for because he claimed he could not afford it. I never went to therapy, but sometimes I would ask him how it would go or what things he would talk about. He always said it had to do with his hatefulness towards his job and the career he lost right before we met.

 

In January 2012, I learned that my boyfriend was talking to another woman behind my back via facebook messaging. I had a feeling something was up, because he does not like social media tools. I had playfully set him up a facebook account for him just so he could stay in touch with some friends, and he was hesitant at first, but during that time he was ok with it. Then one day, he changed the email and password to the account on me, and that was when I knew something was up, because when he would go on the account, we would do it together, because it wasn't that serious to him. But then when I confronted him about him changing it, he got snappy with me saying that I have my own separate account, he wants to have his own. I said ok. But still felt like something wasn't right. Sure enough, he was talking to a woman behind my back. It was on my birthday that I confronted him about the other woman. I left him because he made me feel distrustful of him. The next day he asked me to come back to him, and explained that he didn't cheat. But that his therapist told him he should go on "lunch dates with other women." I was heartbroken because he had also lied and told me he didnt even discuss our relationship during therapy. It would be fine if he did, but he always told me that he discussed work. I was paying for someone to tell him to basically cheat on me! I was furious. He felt bad for lying to me about this other woman. He told me he sought her out because he felt like she was "interesting." She was slavic and wanted to learn her language so they would talk about her culture. But I know that he got "fresh" with her making inappropriate comments. I went back to him on certain conditions. One, that he would no longer see that therapist. Two, he would go to therapy, and pay for it himself, and three, if I had questions or if things felt "fishy" I have the right to ask him. He said ok to all 3 conditions.

 

In August 2012, we broke up for 3 months. I thought I had begun trusting him, but I guess I didn't. That November, his best friend married my sister. When his best friend began dating my sister I just knew it would be a mistake eventually. My sister and I always had a rocky relationship as well.

 

When him and I got back together in November 2012, things were beginning to be super great between us. Before we had broken up, the sex and intimacy was lackluster which was not like that in the first 3.5 years together. I began to feel like just a "roomate" to him. Then in February 2013, our sex life began to get really bad again. He would masterbate and not have sex with me. Whenever I would try to iniate having sex with him he would tell me, "I am too tired, or "I am too full" (from eating food) or make some other excuse up. He also told me he felt like his testosterone level was low. He went to a physician that would not accept health insurance, it was $400 a visit. My boyfriend went twice and then stopped going because he could no longer afford it. He said he would go back when he can afford to. But in the meantime, things stayed the same. In fact, we would argue so much about how he could masterbate and not have sex with me. It became a major issue in our relationship. I always would say to him, "It does not make sense how if you do not have a sex drive...then how can you masterbate?" I would say, "you would not have the urge to masterbate at all then!!!" I would say, "if you get horny, why can't you just wait an hour or so until I get home from work or school to have sex with me?" He would get so mad at me. It just didn't add up to me. It made me feel like he wasn't telling the truth. He did admit to jerking off at times to hurt my feelings. He would get mad at me too because he felt like when we would have sex, I would masterbate when he would go to the gym or to work. I never did that to him. But I discovered he did that to me! Which again, hurt my feelings, and which would not make me trustful of him.

 

I graduated schooling in May 2014. He then began his respiratory therapy schooling in September 2014. I began supporting him while he was in school. One of his classmates and him were talking about sex one day while on lunch at school. And she had mentioned threesomes to him. And he said that him and his girlfriend ( meaning us) was interested in having one sometime. So he worked on getting this girl to hangout with us one night. She came over and we all had some drinks. She gave him a b******b. I am not going to lie, it did turn me on. A part of me did this because I needed to know if it was me that he just wasn't sexually into anymore. I must mention too during this time of him talking to her and him having the chance of a threesome with her...we were having sex almost everyday! Then when things fizzled out with her, our sex life became pretty much non existant again.

 

Even though we are not together right now, we still hangout a lot. He still holds my hand, tells me he loves me, and calls me "babe." We are currently having sex. Frequently as well. Before we broke up, I asked him to do research and find out if there is some kind of supplement he could take for his low testosterone, and he said he had done research. Well, now that we are broken up he found a supplement. Not to mention, he sucks up his tiredness to have sex with me. It pisses me off if I think about it too much. This is all I wanted from him. I asked him to just suck up his tiredness or his fullness from time to time to please me. I dont feel like that is too much to ask. I told him I wasn't asking him to suck things up everyday. Just from time to time. Why wouldn't he want to make me happy or please me? He told me that since I am no longer his girlfriend he has been more horny and has been masterbating a lot again. He was like, "I don't mean to hurt your feelings." Well, it has. And it has made me distrustful of him even now that we aren't together because it makes me look back and think of all the bull**** excuses he has given me.

 

So fast forward to September 2015...

 

My boyfriend was going to the gym a lot with my brother-in-law (his best friend). One day, he came home and told me that my sister and her boyfriend were having some problems in their marriage, that her husband wasn't really happy right now. Neither of us thought it was real severe though. Well, my sister texted me a few days afterwards and she brought up her husband, and I said, "it sounds like you aren't really happy right now?" She then called me and told me how he has been spending a ton of money on himself. He has been buying lots of new clothes. He had to stay away for the weekend for the Pope Visit. He was getting paid over $2,000 to work overtime. So just before that weekend, she told me how they had an argument because they had talked at one point during the day, and then he didn't come home til very late saying he went out and had drinks with coworkers. She said she felt hurt because he never mentioned him going out with coworkers when they spoke earlier that day, in addition to the fact that during the whole summer she would ask him to go out and have some drinks with her and her friends and he would always turn her down. She had fear he may have cheated on her. I told her to pay attention to when he comes home if he keeps his cell phone near him at all times. She said when he came home he did. A week later, my boyfriend gets the call from his best friend that they are getting a divorced and that he had drinks with a coworker. When my boyrfriend got off the phone he told me this, and it immeidately brougth me back to the time his therapist told him to go on lunch dates with other women. I freaked out on him. I said, "how could you not know this was going on when you spend so much time with him?" My boyfriend swore he did not know. That week my sister began sleeping on our sofa. Apparently my boyfriend was complaining to my sister about me, about how I was snapping at every little thing with him, creating fights. I did, but it was because of my own insecurity with him. There was one day that week my sister and I went to the gym to take a zumba class. We got there 20 minutes early to the class. My sister was texting away to someone on her phone instead of having a conversation with me. I even looked to see who she was talking to. It said, "Amanda," which I thought was odd because she never mentioned a friend Amanda before. But then I didn't think to question it further. I texted my boyfriend that my sister was being rude and basically ignoring me. But never got a response right away. Later that week, we had an argument and he broke up with me. That night, my sister admitted to me that he had been complaining to her about me. And that she changed his name in her phone so that I could not see that they were talking to one another when I sat next to her on the sofa. I felt so betrayed by her. Then it hit me that that is who she was talking to while at the gym waiting for Zumba to start. I texted her to ask her not to continue going to the gym with my boyfriend. She had asked him to be her personal trainer, even though she wasn't paying him. She said ok. Then I tried calling her that day, with no response. I didn't hear from her for the rest of that day. I just felt like something wasn't right. I knew he was working and then would probably go to the gym after work. I showed up to the gym and saw her walking in with his car there. I was in a rage! I said do I sit in my car and wait for her to come out and confront her about this? Or do i try to remain calm and go in there and confront her? I knew they would probably be in there for 1.5 to 2 hours. So I decided to go into the gym. When I walked in they both had this "oh s**t" look on their faces! She told me she changed her mind. I said, "and you couldn't tell me that you changed your mind?" she was like, " him and I are leaning on one another right now." And my boyfriend chimed in that that was the case. I said, "W*F was I doing for you all week then?" I eventually made a scene at the gym because the more bull**** that came out of her mouth, the worst it got. But eventually I left.

 

I have not spoken to her since. I do not have a desire to have any relationship with her anymore. I have tried my whole life to be close to her and she has never been there for me like I have for her. I'm just done with her.

 

As for him, he said if I didn't come to the gym that day, he would of came home to try to make things work. We are currently working on things right now. But my perception of things is causing problems or things he has done in the past that don't add up now, I bring up, and he gets mad at me, and makes me feel like I am looking too much into things. He says I do not trust him. He is right, I don't. I feel like deep down he is a good guy, but he has been ****ty to me at times during our relationship. I am trying to move past it, but its been really difficult for me because I feel like I have not been able to count on anyone in my life. I put my trust in people, including family members, and they burn me. And he has done stuff too. He like to claim he hasn't "done anything wrong." But talking to someone behind my back (even though officially making the decision not to cheat on me) is still ****ty and not trustworthy.

 

I want to learn to trust people again. Its' not just him that I do not trust. I feel like I am now always in defense, needing to know every detail so I don't get burned.

 

Recently, I just told him how I don't have a desire to date anyone, that I only want him. I told him I only want him sexually (even with all the problems of our sex life). He told me he doesn't want just me sexually. He said he loves me though and would not ask another woman on a date, but said if he chooses to do so, he would let me know ahead of time.

 

But yet, he told me he trained with another woman at the gym. I was hurt that he didn't bother to tell me! It has happened since we made the decision to work on our relationship. Should'n't he have told me? I know we aren't together officially, but I feel like since he said he finds her attractive and said he would have sex with her, I think I should have the right to know if they do train or hangout together at the gym. Am I wrong? Especially since we are currently having sex too. I asked him why he didn't tell me he trained with this woman, and he told me, "I do not ask you who you go to the gym with." That is because he already knows that answer...either by myself, or with my friend who is a female!!!! I feel like he now is being shady...which is again, making me feel distrustful of him.

 

I want to trust him so bad, but when he does s**t like this its really hard to not question every thing he does! How do I stop questioning every little thing? It makes me go crazy which then causes problems between us.

[ExpatInItaly]

Don't try to work things out with this guy. It's not going to happen. He's shown you who he really is and how little he values you time and again. You keep accepting his behaviour. He doesn't respect you and he's openly telling you to will probably have sex with other women. And you are still clinging to hope. He is bad news and you know it.

 

If you want true happiness, you need to cut your attachment to him and work on your self-worth. Ask yourself why you require such little love and dignity in a man. Do some deep digging and really question why you have essentially let him trample all over your boundaries, and yet still you cannot let go of someone who isn't interested in being your boyfriend anymore.

 

He's made it pretty clear what you can expect. All you have to do is decide if you like that or not. Personally, I'd have dropped him so fast he'd have bounced right off the sidewalk.