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I wish he would reconsider


Perro_azul

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Hi guys! My ex boyfriend and I were dating for 6 months. We spent almost everyday together and got really close. In the middle of summer he had to go back to his home country to visit his family and we spent 2 months apart, we were talking/skyping everyday. We also work together. Our relationship was complicated, we had a lot of great times but we also fought a lot. He thought we fought a lot, for me it was just normal couple's fighting. Anyway, after two months of being in LDR, he said he missed me too much and suggested that we spent a month together in Europe. I agreed and he was literally counting days till we see each other again. The first week abroad was fine, but then we got into a huge fight and I said I was done in a rage. Later, I calmed down and said that I loved him. He replied that he loved me too and cared a lot, but we are just not working as a couple. He thinks we are incompatible. We still had 3 weeks to live together in Europe, I thought he would eventually change his mind, but he didn't. We still did everything together, went out for dinners, movies, to the beach but just as friends. He even said that since we stopped being a couple, we stopped fighting. Upon returning home, we never stopped talking, of course, it wasn't as it used to be but he would always find an excuse to reach out and ask me things. Until I decided to go no-contact. I told him that I'm not ready to be friends, and that I need to heal and move on. Maybe we can be friends in the future, if that's how we feel then. He agreed. We kept no-contact for a week, until I broke it for a stupid reason and we had a polite, nice conversation. Yesterday he posted pictures of him on FB which I took and changed his background pic to the picture from our trip to Europe.

I think about him 24/7. We've made plans together, he introduced me to his sister. Hell, we even said someday we gonna run a taco truck together. I just can't let go.

Do you guys think he is gone-gone? Do you think it's commitment issues (he mentioned to me that he has commitment issues and we never lived together before this first trip)?. What should I do? We've been broken up for a month and a half.

Edited by Perro_azul
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I would take it as he's gone gone in the sense that he no longer consciously chooses you. He will be a friend, but at an emotional distance. You're not going to be getting back in because there is too much disconnect between you two if you can't get through a day without fighting.

 

I would be about the business of staying NC and moving on with your life. He dumped you: he's the one who has to come to you to make amends. You trying to make the amends discounts your value. You're telling him it's OK for him to proceed like he has because you don't believe you deserve better treatment.

 

Making plans, meeting his sister, etc.: none of those are a contract for anything. Disinvest yourself from him thinking out loud in earshot about taco trucks or anything else. He has changed his mind.

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Thank you for your reply! I just really need reassurance that NC is the way. I'm going through an emotional roller coaster here, one day I feel good and then the other day I'm just in doubts and depressed. The reason I mentioned meeting his sister and plans is because I still believe we broke up due to his commitment issues, he wants perfection in his relationships. And one day he felt good about us, and then the other day not..

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I think it's best you stay NC. It's obvious here the relationship just isn't going to work you you two and both of you should move on. Trying to be just friends after being in a relationship rarely works because one will always hope the relationship will resume and when that doesn't happen, someone gets hurt.

 

It's best to distance yourself from him and move on.

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I'm trying really hard to distance myself from him given that we work in the same company and that he just reaches out again and again. Today he complimented my shoes randomly. I just don't know how many times I have to write "Let's stop talking" for him to understand how his words and breadcrumbs affect me. He is a very kind and caring person. I think he genuinely doesn't get it.

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He gets it, everyone gets it. Maybe he can't help himself, and he (possibly unconciously) gets off on the ego boost of your continued affection for him despite his dumping you. Having your ego fed is a wonderful thing.

 

If you work in the same company and you have to see him, that's a tough one. Why oh why are you checking his facebook? You might need to unfriend him. Tell him that you are trying to take the high road but if he keeps contacting you, you will have to block him, and that is something you don't want to do.

 

Commitment issues? If he is that immature that he cannot handle being in a relationship, do you think that is something that would have been cured in the 1.5 you've been broken up? I used to spew stuff like that, and it was true: I was immature and didn't know how to handle a relationship with a mature woman, so I bounced from woman to woman, hurting them and occasionally myself. Keep that in mind, that some men cannot be prodded to change, they must change themselves. God knows how many women tried to save/change me!

 

You say he is caring, well if he really cares he will give you your space and stop breaking your hurt in increments. Tell him this, and make it plain he is killing you and that you will grow to resent him if he doesn't leave you be. Sorry to hear about your pain. And, for the record, if you wonder if he is gone-gone... he may not be, but it sounds like the work that needs to be done is on his end, and he is not ready to do it. So for now, I would step back as much as possible. Let him wallow in your absence, that might firm up his commitment issues.

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Thank you, I really like what you wrote.

Checking his Facebook, well, cause I'm a silly girl :( I know what I have to do, I can't find strength to do it. Plus (since I'm still keeping a secret hope in my tiny broken heart), he told me that I was mean to him at times. And I'm trying to show him by being civil, polite and cool as f"""k (his expression) that he was wrong!

He gave me space at work for about a week. We work on different floors and he NEVER came to my floor. I really appreciated it. But starting this Monday, he keeps coming up and talks to me about some work-related things. Only work, nothing else. I don't know if it's just an excuse or whatever. But for my own sanity I prefer to think that he just doesn't care and shows that he moved on and can be professional.

About his commitment issues. He is 30. He had a lot of girlfriends and only a few "long" term relationships (like 3, me included). In his world, 6 months is a long-term. I knew about it from the very beginning, but I was being naive thinking I would be the one he would commit to because I'm so special and we felt so comfortable around each other.

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I broke the almost 14 day NC today and reached out to my ex bf saying that I missed him. I didn't expect any reply or anything, it was just a moment of weakness. However, he replied, he said he missed me too, but the issues are still there (fighting). He does not want to give me false hopes and he just can't hurt me anymore by getting back together and then breaking up again. He said he still has feelings for me, but he thinks both of us should start seeing new people.

So, this is basically the second time he rejects me gently and telling me to move on and be happy. There is no second chance for us, I can just feel it in my bones. Whatever the reasons - commitment issues or grass is greener, he doesn't choose me anymore.

 

It's time to move on for real.

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