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I think I made a big mistake


remorseful_tab

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remorseful_tab

Just received a call from one of my friends with whom I have confided about our impending divorce. Today she saw my H riding bike with a woman (H recently has bought the bike, came to know of it from my son). My friend was in the bus. She spotted him and the woman at a signal. The woman was holding him, or rather hugging him from behind. They were laughing and talking. It was clear that they were in a romantic relationship. This woman was unknown to her

 

I don't know if I should confront my H about this. Because I really don't know whether he started seeing this woman before or after the separation.

 

Please give me some advice. If I do confront him, how should I do it?

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You're getting divorced. It no longer matters, unless there are possible legal advantages in your state if you can prove he started seeing her before you split up.

 

Without knowing who initiated the divorce and why, I can't say if confrontation might potentially be useful, or merely petty.

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Redheaded Mistress

If you're divorcing, there's no agreement to reconcile or try to make the relationship work, or your divorce is processing, then he can be with whomever he wants as often as he likes. It's not worth asking about because he'll say it's none of your business and give you no answers.

 

And, if you're divorcing and not trying to work things out, then he'd be right.

 

If you had an agreement that you were trying to fix things, then I'd confront him about it... But even then, unless you agreed to be exclusive...

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Remorseful tab: I don't know what you meant by confronting him but you should talk to him about it friendly, so you would know if he is gone for good or there is still a chance. I'm saying that because you guys just had sex not too long ago if I remember from you other thread s o he may be still confused. I don't know that for sure, but I sense that he still loves you but somehow couldn't get the whole A out of his mind, he could be rebounding on other relationships. if that's the case and if you rally want him back I suggest you talk to him about the other woman and let him know if ther was anything you could've done to get him back.

Please remember that your happiness is your responsibility, if he decides to go away there will be a happy life for you without him somewhere for you to find

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I think you should tell your friend to please not tell you these things unless it involves your child in a negative way. Your marriage is at a end and he already stated he wanted a divorce. I would just suggest you do your best to just move on with your life. I know your hurting and you feel betrayed but honestly what is there left. I think if he was looking to intentionally rub another woman in your face he would have done it when he left. It sounds like he might just be starting to go out and see other people.

 

 

I blocked my xW from everything including the house phone. I needed to have that separation to help myself. You might want to consider doing some of the same except when it comes to your child and the divorce.

 

C

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That whole scenario probably could have been avoided had you not cheated on him years ago.

 

You guys are divorcing.

 

Just let him be.

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What is there to confront? He has clearly told you the marriage is over, he moved out, he filed for divorce and the divorce is moving forward.

 

He is a free and single man and you are a free and single woman - the courthouse just hasn't caught up with all the paperwork yet.

 

Check with your lawyer to see if there is any legal baring in your case with this new info (99.999999% chance it will have no baring at all) and assuming it doesn't, let it go and go on about your business.

 

He is gone. I am sorry for your hurt and pain.

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remorseful_tab
Remorseful tab: I don't know what you meant by confronting him but you should talk to him about it friendly, so you would know if he is gone for good or there is still a chance. I'm saying that because you guys just had sex not too long ago if I remember from you other thread s o he may be still confused. I don't know that for sure, but I sense that he still loves you but somehow couldn't get the whole A out of his mind, he could be rebounding on other relationships. if that's the case and if you rally want him back I suggest you talk to him about the other woman and let him know if ther was anything you could've done to get him back.

Please remember that your happiness is your responsibility, if he decides to go away there will be a happy life for you without him somewhere for you to find

 

I meant if I should ask him that was he seeing someone.

 

Yes, we recently had sex when I was ill and he came to see me. There I read one poster suggested I should have sent him an email saying how amazing it felt to have sex with him. And instead of crying that I should have approached him again in the morning. (I guess I am entitled b*tch who only cares about her own feelings instead of thinking how to make her betrayed H feel wonderful) Sadly, I was asleep when he left. And I did send an sms to him that it felt wonderful to have made love with him again (I did not say sex). He replied with a "thanks. I too felt wonderful". But I really should have pressed on by saying that he was welcome if he again wanted to do it, shouldn't I? I missed a chance there?

 

I right now would send another sms asking for it but I am not sure whether I would be able to handle it in light of this new information.

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remorseful_tab
What is there to confront? He has clearly told you the marriage is over, he moved out, he filed for divorce and the divorce is moving forward.

 

He is a free and single man and you are a free and single woman - the courthouse just hasn't caught up with all the paperwork yet.

 

Check with your lawyer to see if there is any legal baring in your case with this new info (99.999999% chance it will have no baring at all) and assuming it doesn't, let it go and go on about your business.

 

He is gone. I am sorry for your hurt and pain.

 

You are right. UK is a no fault country. Even if he was cheating on me, it will have no impact on the ongoing divorce process.

 

But one thing I know, I do want him back still.

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He doesn't want you back and based on new information, you need to process that immediately.

 

There's no point to you asking him. No answer he can give you is going to satisfy your mind.

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understand50

remorseful_tab,

 

Sorry you learned this way, but you are divorcing, and while some would say as long as it is not final you both should stay faithful, others will disagree.

 

You may find he started this before he left you and the in fact he has and was cheating. This may be why he left, and he was just too cowardly to tell you. I do not see this as helping you in anyway, past causing more pain and hurt. At some point you may want to bring this up, if he casts your infidelity at you. Past that I think it does you no good.

 

You have much heartache to go, before you are single again. This is just one of many, but may give you some clear answers on how you need to move forward with your life. You, know the best answer to this, is to live a good, moral and better life yourself.

 

I wish you luck.

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understand50
You are right. UK is a no fault country. Even if he was cheating on me, it will have no impact on the ongoing divorce process.

 

But one thing I know, I do want him back still.

 

Remorseful,

 

I understand you do, but it takes two. I am not saying you should give up all hope, but be clear eyed on what this may, does, mean. Please protect your yourself and your heart.

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You are right. UK is a no fault country. Even if he was cheating on me, it will have no impact on the ongoing divorce process.

 

But one thing I know, I do want him back still.

as long as you know that you could live a happy life without him too, it is ok that you want him back and if you ask my opinion you shouldn't just give up on him yet. human mind is a wonder, you just can't explain everything that people do. he enjoyed the sex ( or LOVE), he seems to be a respectful person based on how you described him in your former threads. so there are many possibilities of what's going on on his mind but I know that if he didn't have any feelings for you he wouldn't have texted you after that night " I too felt wonderful" he would have considered it a mistake rather. I wish we could talk to him to see his prespective but he is not on LS.

again, this is my opinion and I could be wrong but if you were a friend or a sister, i would urge you to talk to him and show him that you are still in love with him

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I'm just going by what my h felt in his marriage and divorce here, but we had a short affair and we would have done pretty much anything to not reveal it. If he had left without her finding out, it would have NEVER come out. He would have denied it to the death if for no other reason than to protect his daughter. That didn't happen and she found out.

 

Once he left the house, that very day, he felt single and that he was free to be in a relationship with me. We kept our relationship under wraps for months, but in his mind, he was single, divorce papers or not.

 

I'm telling you this because a lot of men think this way and it sounds like your h is feeling that way. He feels single, and that he is moving on. I wouldn't mention it, and I wouldn't sleep with him again.

 

I'm sorry you are in such pain and I hope you heal quickly.

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remorseful_tab
At some point you may want to bring this up, if he casts your infidelity at you. Past that I think it does you no good.

 

He is not bringing up my infidelity anymore. Because I have acquised to his demand of divorce. We are plainly following the process, though in a civil manner.

 

I got to a place of peace and acceptance that this was happening and there was no way to stop it. But with this new information, the turmoils have again come back. I am feeling desperate. I feel like I really need to know. Maybe this is my selfish nature that i need to know who and when he started seeing this woman because then I could go into the divorce feeling that it wasn't my fault that our marriage ended.

 

But thats what I am feeling right now.

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understand50
He is not bringing up my infidelity anymore. Because I have acquised to his demand of divorce. We are plainly following the process, though in a civil manner.

 

I got to a place of peace and acceptance that this was happening and there was no way to stop it. But with this new information, the turmoils have again come back. I am feeling desperate. I feel like I really need to know. Maybe this is my selfish nature that i need to know who and when he started seeing this woman because then I could go into the divorce feeling that it wasn't my fault that our marriage ended.

 

But that's what I am feeling right now.

 

Remorseful,

 

Good for you. It is understandable and normal to feel this way. Do not let it "control" you. You may find out later everything you need to know, but in the end it does not matter. Sometime, doing nothing, is best. Actually, it works most of the time, I think you should do nothing right now. Record it right now, and see if you need to, or want to, find out later. Do not let it set you back.

 

Luck.

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Hmmmm, this seemed really straightforward when I read your initial post. But then things got more muddy. A few thoughts:

 

1. On the surface, no need to confront him or even have the conversation. As others have said, you're divorcing, so anything goes.

 

2. But then you said you recently had sex with him. So whether or not he's sleeping with another woman is now a health concern.

 

3. I think you have two options: assume he was/is and go get an STD test, or ask him if he had slept with anyone prior to you two having sex.

 

Honestly, what I'd do is assume he was having sex and be proactive and get an STD test. Good luck mending your heart....

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Redheaded Mistress

If it's about assigning fault or easing your guilt, then for sure, don't ask him. It will solve nothing and totally piss him off.

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Remorseful,

 

Here are some take aways. First, I think that you hoped that having sex with your stbx would open to door one day for him coming back. Let me be the first to tell you that it is not uncommon for BH's to have sex with their XWW's, especially if they are remorseful. There have been a ton of threads on this site about XWW's having sex with their XBH's. Look at Lovin's and Sophie's threads. Sometimes it pans out, sometimes it doesn't.

 

Second, do I think that your husband cheated on you. No, and here is why. Men are very ego driven creatures and they want to heal themselves fast. I have read many stories of men that left their wives and hooked up with someone else within that first week. Not to mention (and this is something that you are going to have to accept), a man like your husband at his age is going to have more options in the dating world. It goes without saying that there are more single women in you and your husband's age range, than there are single men. In addition, most of those men really aren't that well kept together, so when someone like your husband comes along, it really does become a competition for his attention. Women throw themselves at men like your husband to get their attention. Your husband is going to have a ton of options, so don't be surprised when you hear about him going on a lot of dates and finding someone pretty fast. This fact has been proven by both dating experts and psychologist that specialize in this.

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Not to mention (and this is something that you are going to have to accept), a man like your husband at his age is going to have more options in the dating world. It goes without saying that there are more single women in you and your husband's age range, than there are single men. In addition, most of those men really aren't that well kept together, so when someone like your husband comes along, it really does become a competition for his attention. Women throw themselves at men like your husband to get their attention. Your husband is going to have a ton of options, so don't be surprised when you hear about him going on a lot of dates and finding someone pretty fast. This fact has been proven by both dating experts and psychologist that specialize in this.

 

And how in any way was that information supposed to help the OP?

She is heart broken and has just been told her husband is seeing some other woman.

A little compassion needed perhaps here?

They are not yet divorced and they have had sex recently too, so if the info is correct about his OW, he is in effect cheating on her and I guess, why he did such a u-turn and wanted a divorce in the first place.

 

Is that good? NO it isn't.

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He is not bringing up my infidelity anymore. Because I have acquised to his demand of divorce. We are plainly following the process, though in a civil manner.

 

I got to a place of peace and acceptance that this was happening and there was no way to stop it. But with this new information, the turmoils have again come back. I am feeling desperate. I feel like I really need to know. Maybe this is my selfish nature that i need to know who and when he started seeing this woman because then I could go into the divorce feeling that it wasn't my fault that our marriage ended.

 

But thats what I am feeling right now.

 

 

Unless he started seeing this OW three years ago before you started your affair it does not matter. And there is no way for you to find out. Though I believe people should not date until the divorce is final. Separated is being separated that is not being divorced.

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Because I have acquised to his demand of divorce. We are plainly following the process, though in a civil manner.

 

Acquiescing to divorce is obviously a different path than trying to recover your marriage. So is having unconditional sex with your STBX.

 

Having lost him, you'll have to be clear in your goals and actions to have a chance to win him back. It all depends on the outcome you want...

 

Mr. Lucky

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Unless he started seeing this OW three years ago before you started your affair it does not matter. And there is no way for you to find out. Though I believe people should not date until the divorce is final. Separated is being separated that is not being divorced.

 

The OP has been reconciled for 8 long years, he had 8 years to walk away. But no, he storms out and asks for a divorce now, and I think we all know why.

It is no coincidence, he and his OW are now being seen in public.

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OP, if it helps you to feel better and heal just assume he was having an affair with this woman before the divorce. I wouldn't get my hopes up about getting him back though. Of course he enjoyed sex with you just like he enjoys sex with her or others; so you can't go by that. I doubt if he would divorce, start living the single life, dating others and now wants to return to marriage.

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