Try to get her back? Or move on, and if so, how?

[JustAnotherLostLove]

Greetings,

 

Long story short... My ex left me on September 13th. She is 24, and I'm 34. We were together for 3+ years, and had plans for a real future together. Marriage, kids, and we were also putting money a side for a house.

 

A month before we split, she goes out with her co-workers one night, doesn't call me at all, and tells me the next day, they were telling her to leave me. She acted hurt by it, and even said they weren't good people. Over the course of that month, she began emotionally checking out, and I was in denial, so I didn't see it. We go on one last getaway together, and she acts miserable the whole time. I finally get her to talk about it, and she confesses that she might want to leave. A couple days after that, she ignores me all together. When I finally do get a hold of her, she comes over and dumps me.

 

I haven't seen her since, but we remain friends on FB. I broke NC about a month later, cause she was posting meme's on FB, alluding to how disappointing our relationship was. I said that I was sorry she felt that way, and I will always love her. The following day, I sent her a song I wrote. It wasn't a get back song, but more one of moving on. I've always done music and movies, so it's not unusual. She responded, said she cried, hoped I was well, this and that. She sent me a text on Halloween, just saying... "Happy Halloween", and I responded with the same.

 

My question is... Is there any hope for us in the future, whether it be near or far? We had great plans together, initially. But after she got this new group of friends, it all went to ****. I never hung with them, cause they made me uncomfortable with their constant criticism of our relationship, that my ex notified me about. She was my family, and her family was mine. I loved them all very deeply, and I feel that I've lost so much from this. I don't have much family of my own. After my Grandpa (who raised me) died, it all became about money, and who was getting what. And everyone hates me because I stuck behind to take care of my grandmother, who is mentally ill, and also made it very hard for me to have my ex over. Also, my ex didn't like her at all.

 

What do I do? I love her, and I honestly feel like it's worth one more shot. If nothing comes out of it, then at least we tried. However, if it's time to move on, how do I do that?

 

Thank you.

[mikeveli4g]

Sorry to hear about all that has happened my man. After reading your story it's quite similar to an experience I had happened to me a little over a year ago.

 

I'm not sure how much contact you've had with her recently but if you have... STOP IMMEDIATELY. It will work. I know what it's like. You're so use to talking to her but the more you talk it will all make matters worse. My advice through the process (it will be a long process) is to take time to maybe write a letter or your thoughts down on paper and not share it with her or anyone until you find stability with your emotion.

 

 

As far as moving on it's a really tough game out here and I would advise if jumping back into the dating game quickly is hit or miss because you will have mixed emotions. Focusing on you is the best way but that's easier said than done but any of your favorite past times do them 2 times more than you usually do. GYM, MUSIC, WRITING.. ETC.

 

All in all, just do not contact her. It may be a while, but she will contact you I can assure you as long as there wasn't anything crazy said or done. If yall were together that long she's always going to have you in her head and when and if her new guy (if that's the case with her) messes up, she's going to need someone to control and that's when you can change the game but you have to keep it brief and let her know you've moved on. Play hard to get, but at the same time don't tell her "everything."

 

It's going to suck the first couple of months my friend, but as time goes on those strong feelings you have will start to fade and you'll have options to choose from I'm sure. Keep steady forward champ.

[JustAnotherLostLove]

Sorry to hear about all that has happened my man. After reading your story it's quite similar to an experience I had happened to me a little over a year ago.

 

I'm not sure how much contact you've had with her recently but if you have... STOP IMMEDIATELY. It will work. I know what it's like. You're so use to talking to her but the more you talk it will all make matters worse. My advice through the process (it will be a long process) is to take time to maybe write a letter or your thoughts down on paper and not share it with her or anyone until you find stability with your emotion.

 

 

As far as moving on it's a really tough game out here and I would advise if jumping back into the dating game quickly is hit or miss because you will have mixed emotions. Focusing on you is the best way but that's easier said than done but any of your favorite past times do them 2 times more than you usually do. GYM, MUSIC, WRITING.. ETC.

 

All in all, just do not contact her. It may be a while, but she will contact you I can assure you as long as there wasn't anything crazy said or done. If yall were together that long she's always going to have you in her head and when and if her new guy (if that's the case with her) messes up, she's going to need someone to control and that's when you can change the game but you have to keep it brief and let her know you've moved on. Play hard to get, but at the same time don't tell her "everything."

 

It's going to suck the first couple of months my friend, but as time goes on those strong feelings you have will start to fade and you'll have options to choose from I'm sure. Keep steady forward champ.

 

Thanks man, I appreciate the wise words. I guess a part of me doesn't want those feelings to fade. There's other things I haven't mentioned about myself as well. I might possibly be ill, and it's the kind of illness that could easily keep someone alone for the rest of their life. And the thing is, I didn't learn this until she was already in love with me. So yeah, I'm in a really dark place, and I'm honestly scared, cause I feel like I'm losing my mind.

 

But anyways, I don't contact her at all. And she is STILL on my Facebook, but I just need to muster the strength to delete her. Seems that she's having a great life without me now. Some guy friend of hers somehow got access to her account, and has been posting random things. I suppose it's someone she's dating now, cause she just likes all the post and laughs about them. Man, I really feel betrayed. How can I EVER believe a woman again, when she says she wants a life with me, and will never leave? I really believed her too, like a sucker.

[greenleaves54]

Delete her from Facebook right now!! Just do it man.

 

You've already noticed the pain it brings you. Do you want even more pain? OR do you want to show her that you don't give a crap about her life now? Cut her off completely.

 

If the two of you are meant to be together she will make contact one day. It's unlikely though. Leave it to a higher power, there's is absolutely nothing you can do.

[itisdanielle]

I made the huge mistake of convincing myself 'as long as I don't initiate a conversation, I'm not breaking NC.' So I did little things like check his twitter, see when he was online on Whatsapp (why?! why does it matter whether he is online - why did I even care?!) anyway.. since completely, honestly going NC I have to say it really does help. And any little breaking of it, even if it's not actually contacting her, will hold you back. So honestly, delete her.

 

Nobody can tell you for sure whether she will be back. Maybe she will, maybe she won't. But if she does come back, and you're still at the stage of pining and waiting and postponing your life until she's back in it, this will be unattractive to her and she will be gone again.

 

I haven't successfully moved on from my ex, but God I am trying. I would say going complete NC is the first step. Don't reply if she messages you. Keep busy even when you just want to wallow around the house. Trust that if she is meant to be with you, she will come back, and when/if she does you want to be in a better place so you can decide if you really want her back.

[fiskadoro]

OP,

 

Why were her coworkers badmouthing you? I find it's helpful to honestly look at the relationship and see what it was that caused her to break up with you. Sometimes - not always! - when the whole world is against you, perhaps you need to look inward.

 

I mean, if she were happy with you, would her friends have tried to destroy that happiness? If she is that easily swayed by new friends that she could walk away from her future hubby and you guys were saving to buy a house, that's not good.

 

When I broke up with my gf, I ran around telling everyone how she wronged me, and everyone massaged my ego (as friends should) and I wallowed in it. Later, I took a serious look at my own part in the breakup and realized that it took to to tango, or it took two to detangle in my case, lol. Then I wanted to swing the pendulum too far in the other direction and make myself the total bad guy... neither extreme is very healthy, and i finally was able to take a somewhat sober reflection of our relationship. That - and only that - will help us should we get back together.

 

What didn't they like about your relationship with her?

Edited November 6, 2015 by fiskadoro

[mikeveli4g]

J.A.L.L.... No problem bro I can relate 100 percent man. And I don't think it had anything to do with your sickness and if it did you don't need her (at least at this present time). It's like the others said, seasons do change and the pendulum does swing and by the time a possible reconciliation could happen, you will be in control fam. I was just like you and to this day I still struggle at times especially with that Facebook thing. I didn't do it right away because I'm still real cool with her family especially her mom, but then when I started to get my confidence back and other ladies started coming into my life doing their Facebook Stalking and asking about my past, it was time to delete her off and sure enough 2 months after I did it she reached out to me...being spiteful for some odd reason considering she has a man, but she clearly felt some type of way and that's why I'm sitting here laughing. It will take some time homey, but I know you are broken and it's easier said than done. In the mean time read all the advice everyone gives it really helped me during the early stages. Continue to hold your head high man and stay positive.

[JustAnotherLostLove]

OP,

 

Why were her coworkers badmouthing you? I find it's helpful to honestly look at the relationship and see what it was that caused her to break up with you. Sometimes - not always! - when the whole world is against you, perhaps you need to look inward.

 

I mean, if she were happy with you, would her friends have tried to destroy that happiness? If she is that easily swayed by new friends that she could walk away from her future hubby and you guys were saving to buy a house, that's not good.

 

When I broke up with my gf, I ran around telling everyone how she wronged me, and everyone massaged my ego (as friends should) and I wallowed in it. Later, I took a serious look at my own part in the breakup and realized that it took to to tango, or it took two to detangle in my case, lol. Then I wanted to swing the pendulum too far in the other direction and make myself the total bad guy... neither extreme is very healthy, and i finally was able to take a somewhat sober reflection of our relationship. That - and only that - will help us should we get back together.

 

What didn't they like about your relationship with her?

 

Here's the thing... Although truly horrible things have happened in her life, she has a way of playing the victim. Before we got together,she told me horror stories of her parents, and how abusive they were. First time I came over, they snapped on her for having me over (she was engaged to someone else at the time). So I sorta believed her. But once I became more of a fixture around there, they began to really like me, and I got to see how they truly were. It was anything but what she painted them to be.

 

These "friends" of hers, were new friends. Co-workers that she began hanging out with AFTER we started dating. My flaw, is that I'm uncomfortable around people I don't know or trust, so I avoid them. Because of that, when I am around, I come off as standoffish and rude. And again, because we had issues, she would constantly complain to her friends about that, and ignore all the good things I did for her. Did I have problems, was a lot, or even most of this my fault? Absolutely.

 

One of her friends, is a real pain in the ass. To give you an example, we had a costume party one night, and my ex was dressed in VERY revealing attire. After that, we went out to a bar, and I asked her to put some pants on, cause if she somehow gets harassed, I'm gonna end up taking care of that, and potentially get my ass kicked. Her friend heard that, and came to her defense, saying "dress how you want, you're beautiful etc". Sure enough, she gets harassed, and **** almost pops off. This same girl, got back with her husband after being domestically abused, and she's the one who was talking into my ex's ear the most about us.

Edited November 8, 2015 by JustAnotherLostLove

[JustAnotherLostLove]

J.A.L.L.... No problem bro I can relate 100 percent man. And I don't think it had anything to do with your sickness and if it did you don't need her (at least at this present time). It's like the others said, seasons do change and the pendulum does swing and by the time a possible reconciliation could happen, you will be in control fam. I was just like you and to this day I still struggle at times especially with that Facebook thing. I didn't do it right away because I'm still real cool with her family especially her mom, but then when I started to get my confidence back and other ladies started coming into my life doing their Facebook Stalking and asking about my past, it was time to delete her off and sure enough 2 months after I did it she reached out to me...being spiteful for some odd reason considering she has a man, but she clearly felt some type of way and that's why I'm sitting here laughing. It will take some time homey, but I know you are broken and it's easier said than done. In the mean time read all the advice everyone gives it really helped me during the early stages. Continue to hold your head high man and stay positive.

 

Thanks man, I appreciate that. Not only that, but realistically, break ups become positions of power after the fact, as ****ed up as that sounds. And if some else asked me what I'm asking now... I'd tell them to delete her. One, because it helps you move on, and two, because it puts a little more power back into your hands. Making the dumpee slightly more desirable. Haha, that sounds ****ed up. But I believe it's true,

[JustAnotherLostLove]

I should also say, that she texted me happy birthday, at 12:15am, the day off. Almost seemed as if she was making the effort to say it to me before anyone else...

 

I'm looking for breadcrumbs, right?

[mikeveli4g]

I should also say, that she texted me happy birthday, at 12:15am, the day off. Almost seemed as if she was making the effort to say it to me before anyone else...

 

I'm looking for breadcrumbs, right?

 

 

 

LOL!!!! Ahhhh.... The good ol' birthday wish. Yea that's a tough one champ. You're still in her head just stay ghost and let and the levy will break. Damn homey... our experiences are so identical I got that birthday text too, in the midst of waking up next to my new favorite the next morning when I saw it. Talk about traumatizing!!!!! These women are too much lol.

[fiskadoro]

Here's the thing... Although truly horrible things have happened in her life, she has a way of playing the victim. Before we got together,she told me horror stories of her parents, and how abusive they were. First time I came over, they snapped on her for having me over (she was engaged to someone else at the time). So I sorta believed her. But once I became more of a fixture around there, they began to really like me, and I got to see how they truly were. It was anything but what she painted them to be.

 

These "friends" of hers, were new friends. Co-workers that she began hanging out with AFTER we started dating. My flaw, is that I'm uncomfortable around people I don't know or trust, so I avoid them. Because of that, when I am around, I come off as standoffish and rude. And again, because we had issues, she would constantly complain to her friends about that, and ignore all the good things I did for her. Did I have problems, was a lot, or even most of this my fault? Absolutely.

 

One of her friends, is a real pain in the ass. To give you an example, we had a costume party one night, and my ex was dressed in VERY revealing attire. After that, we went out to a bar, and I asked her to put some pants on, cause if she somehow gets harassed, I'm gonna end up taking care of that, and potentially get my ass kicked. Her friend heard that, and came to her defense, saying "dress how you want, you're beautiful etc". Sure enough, she gets harassed, and **** almost pops off. This same girl, got back with her husband after being domestically abused, and she's the one who was talking into my ex's ear the most about us.

 

Got it. Is she likely to stop being friends with them? If so, then what? You might successfully separate her from her friends, but that means you have to wear every hat in her life now - bf, friend, approver of her relationships. That is too much, and then you have to police her from rekindling the friendship. Try to talk with her about your own bad choices in friendships, I honestly and genuinely criticize myself as a backdoor way of showing my gf her flaws through my humility hopefully we both grow from it. Let her know that you disapprove of someone but ultimately it's her choice. Unless they present physical harm, you have to realize that she is choosing them, and you want to tread lightly on policing her choices, dislike them as you may. If they are really that negative, then she should quickly tire of them, and if she doesn't, you might want to step back a bit, because really her friends shouldn't be bad mouthing you all the time, and you bad mouthing them. That's not healthy.

Edited November 8, 2015 by fiskadoro

[JustAnotherLostLove]

Got it. Is she likely to stop being friends with them? If so, then what? You might successfully separate her from her friends, but that means you have to wear every hat in her life now - bf, friend, approver of her relationships. That is too much, and then you have to police her from rekindling the friendship. Try to talk with her about your own bad choices in friendships, I honestly and genuinely criticize myself as a backdoor way of showing my gf her flaws through my humility hopefully we both grow from it. Let her know that you disapprove of someone but ultimately it's her choice. Unless they present physical harm, you have to realize that she is choosing them, and you want to tread lightly on policing her choices, dislike them as you may. If they are really that negative, then she should quickly tire of them, and if she doesn't, you might want to step back a bit, because really her friends shouldn't be bad mouthing you all the time, and you bad mouthing them. That's not healthy.

 

Nah man, I completely agree. And just to make it clear, I'm not saying that all her friends are bad, or that any of them are. I don't want to Police her relationships at all, never did, I don't wanna be a man like that. And yes, I made it clear to her, as to why I don't trust people. My philosophy is basic... If you won't fight for me, and risk losing a piece of yourself in the process, you're not a friend. Reason being, cause I would, and have, done the same.

 

A side from all that, I don't talk to her anymore anyways. So she could do whatever she wants.

[JustAnotherLostLove]

LOL!!!! Ahhhh.... The good ol' birthday wish. Yea that's a tough one champ. You're still in her head just stay ghost and let and the levy will break. Damn homey... our experiences are so identical I got that birthday text too, in the midst of waking up next to my new favorite the next morning when I saw it. Talk about traumatizing!!!!! These women are too much lol.

 

Thanks man, I'm definitely Ghost at this point. Haven't deleted her from FB yet, but I have stopped using it entirely. That's about as close to cutting her off as I'm ready to do at this point. A side from that, I got an Xbox One and Black Ops III last night, so I'm putting my new found extra focus on shooting people to Hell. Gotta take a break from females, probably for a while.