! starting a relationship a new?

[patricia0000]

Hello.. i'm new here, I made this account to get some advice on my situation.

 

I am 19, in my first real relationship. The first person i've ever fought for, it was love at first sight. From both directions.

 

I recently found out on my own that he has been going behind my back meeting with his very depressed and suicidal ex for about 2 or 3 weeks. Just talking to her over coffee about her problems, in public. But that is bad enough considering she is rather crazy and refuse to let him go even though she claims she has NO romantic emotions for him.. but that he is the only one who understands what she's been through because she went through apparently a bunch of very bad things during the time they were together. He had promised me before that he had cut off ALL contact with her, even showing me a text in which he basically told her to piss off and leave us alone.

 

I have been very soft on him the entire relationship, it took time before I even TOLD him I didn't want him to be friends with her (I pretended to be OK with it for maybe 4 months) and after arguments I am always quick to forgive, causing him to not take me seriously. So this time we met up and talked about everything and I have honestly never seen him so crushed.. it was weird. But only days later he seemed OK again, but I told him I wanted a break, which he agreed to. I haven't heard from him since, haven't even seen him at school since then.

 

I believe that he IS capable of change, he might just need to realize that I am as important to him as he claims I am. I have gotten some advice.. that this break should last for a couple of months (which feels impossible right now, I already miss him and I feel like i'm dying, pathetic I know..) and that I should spend this time "finding" myself and gaining some confidence which in my case is needed well because I am extremely insecure and that is probably why I haven't been harder on him before.

 

I am not with him because I am afraid of being alone, I have been alone pretty much my entire life and I don't fear lonliness. I am very picky with who I let into my life and he is the first boy i've ever met who I have felt I can't be without and pretty much the first person I have felt I can be myself with, and I STILL feel that way. But trust is broken, obviously.

 

From what I have understood people have gotten through worse **** and come out stronger together on the other side.. they've been able to re-build trust. But I do realize it will take LOTS of work and that both of us are willing to START OVER. And he has made it clear that he is very willing to start over. We've gone through all the rules for if we start over already and I have made it clear that there will be no dating others during the break, which he seemed happy with luckily.

 

So questions.....

 

-How LONG should a break last? I know it is up to me but what is usually the best amount of time for a break?

 

-What do I need to do to re-gain my trust in him? I know that he needs to prove he can be trusted but he can't be the one to fix everything on his own, or am I wrong? I suppose we both need to make a change to be able to build a new and stronger relationship?

 

-What happens when we start seeing each other after the break? do we begin from the start right away and forget about the past or do we talk everything through one last time first?

 

I'm sorry for lots of text, I just really need to get everything out and I really want some help.. thanks.

[TaraMaiden2]

-How LONG should a break last? I know it is up to me but what is usually the best amount of time for a break?

2 weeks maximum.

But you should know, practically everyone here agrees there is no such thing as a 'break'. You either stick together, and work through the issue together, and tackle the situation head on - together - or you break up.

A 'break' is just a ridiculous concept; especially for one so young.

This relationship will not be your one and only. Trust us on that. You're both far too young to be committing long-term.

A break is just unworkable, particularly if you have no amount of experience of each other. It may well be advisable for a long-time married couple but - you guys?

No.

 

-What do I need to do to re-gain my trust in him?

Nothing. Trust has to be proven by him, not worked on by you.

 

I know that he needs to prove he can be trusted but he can't be the one to fix everything on his own, or am I wrong?

Given the fact that he was seeing his ex, of course, it's his job. You're wrong....

 

I suppose we both need to make a change to be able to build a new and stronger relationship?

Which is why the concept of this 'break' is ridiculous. How can you 'both make a change' if you're not talking to each other to discuss matters and work together?

 

-What happens when we start seeing each other after the break? do we begin from the start right away and forget about the past or do we talk everything through one last time first?

See, this is why suggesting/wanting a break is a ridiculous idea, if you have no clue how to organise it and agree to it together.

Why initiate something you have no clue how to take forward? You see how this is a bad idea?

 

OK: When you first suggest a break, you state that there is to be No Contact at all during the given time.

 

There is no seeing anyone else, talking to them, hanging out, making out or even contacting anyone else, for anything or any reason.

During the break, you remain faithful and committed to the relationship.

It's not 'free time to do something different'.

 

You state the reason for the break: To re-evaluate your position in the relationship; what you expect from your partner, and what you are prepared to do to cement the relationship.

This is a two-way thing. He will be entitled to state his requirements too....

 

You agree, right from the beginning, a date, location, time, place everything, for when you meet up again to negotiate going forward and decide where you both feel you're at.

 

Frankly, you're taking this relationship far too seriously.

You're both young; this is a time when you should be free to both explore different experiences and enjoy the company of many people, without necessarily writing your relationship in stone and sealing it as a blood pact.

 

Cut yourself some slack.

It's not a do-or-die scenario.

Don't be so intense.

[patricia0000]

TaraMaiden, thanks for replying.

 

I have always been against breaks myself but at this point I feel like I can't just keep this relationship going as usual, we need to start everything over and before we do that I need some time to myself. Two weeks is not enough I think.. a month maybe?

We have talked through everything, but we need to talk more I know, once I am ready.

None of us can grow and figure out what we want out of the relationship in TWO WEEKS and that is what we need to do. And that is why I think a break is a good thing.

 

I know we are young, but I don't see anything negative in planning our relationship as seriously as I want to. I need a break and then see if he has changed during the time we were apart and if it turns out he haven't - it is over. I won't see it as wasted time, I will be very thankful that we tried and that I learned a lesson from it.

I am not the dating around type of girl either, when I go into a relationship I see it as a long term thing.. I don't particulary enjoy dating and "exploring". :/

[TaraMaiden2]

TaraMaiden, thanks for replying.

 

I have always been against breaks myself but at this point I feel like I can't just keep this relationship going as usual, we need to start everything over and before we do that I need some time to myself. Two weeks is not enough I think.. a month maybe?

Why?

You honestly believe he will still be there waiting for you and your month to be over, when up to now he hasn't been able to keep away from his ex?

 

Guess again....

We have talked through everything, but we need to talk more I know, once I am ready.

Relationships cannot be dictated to this way. You shouldn't be making conditions, and expecting him to comply.

It should be up for discussion....

 

None of us can grow and figure out what we want out of the relationship in TWO WEEKS and that is what we need to do. And that is why I think a break is a good thing.

Fine. But it needs to be by mutual agreement, with conditions (as I indicated) laid out. These too, have to be agreed upon.

 

I know we are young, but I don't see anything negative in planning our relationship as seriously as I want to.

as YOU want to? How about what he wants?

 

I need a break and then see if he has changed during the time we were apart and if it turns out he haven't - it is over.

As stated, this isn't all up to you.

He may have to regain your trust, but it's something you both need to consider, and why on earth you believe you have carte blanche to run it all your way, is beyond me.

 

I won't see it as wasted time, I will be very thankful that we tried and that I learned a lesson from it.

So you're dicating terms, conditions, duration... but it's 'we' trying....?

How is that going down, exactly?

 

 

I am not the dating around type of girl either, when I go into a relationship I see it as a long term thing.. I don't particulary enjoy dating and "exploring".

Well then you're setting yourself up for some heartbreaks, because at your age, no guy is going to feel the same way.

[patricia0000]

TaraMaiden:

 

Him and I have together discussed our future for a long time before this happened. We have talked about moving in together, even getting engaged.. so it may seem as it's all me who is being all serious and "intense", but he was actually the one to brings our future up long before I did.

 

I am taking lots of decisions, but he IS aware of them. He has agreed to this break and he has agreed to starting over eventually and everything that means. I've told him what I need out of our relationship in the future and he says he understands and wants to be with me. I can't force out of him what he wants because he has had all chances to come with whatever conditions he may have for a new start but he hasn't. It is not like I have told him to shut the hell up and not say what he wants me to change or what changes he wants to see. But then again, why would he? I have never hurt him so there is nothing he could wanna change about me.

 

He's told me that he understands I need to heal, that I can contact him whenever I feel ready. It doesn't matter when it is, he will be there for me and he will be ready to start a new. These could just be words, but I can't possibly know that yet. I won't know that until I take up contact again, then I will see if he meant it when he said he will wait for me.

 

And I don't know where you come from, but you are very wrong. Many people my age settle down, get engaged, move in together and it works fine. I've seen it myself. So saying that NO guy my age feel the same way about relationships is just plain ignorance and I suggest you come with less rude things to say.

Edited November 4, 2015 by patricia0000

[TaraMaiden2]

Fine.

Have it your own way.

You came in asking for advice, and so far, you've had responses from one person, which you have repeatedly rebuffed, but that's ok.

 

So I'll back out now and let someone else have a go.

 

But statistics and perusal on this forum will tell you that successful, long-term relationships, begun at your young age, in a scholastic environment, don't last.

 

Good luck.

[patricia0000]

Instead of making a new thread I wanna post this here.....

 

I have thought a lot about our relationship since the start of the break we are currently on and I have come to the conclusion that all of this could also have an underlying problem..: poor communication throughout the relationship.

I am not used to sharing my emotions with somebody else, i'm extremely introverted and he is the complete opposite and only lately have I started to adjust to being 'open' the way you should in a relationship.

This is something I can work on during the break, and something I can bring up with him AFTER the break and see if he agrees. I think I can get better at this, if I didn't it wouldn't be logical of me to expect HIM to make any kind of change.

 

And even if it doesn't last for a long time, would it be a good idea to at least aim towards it lasting until after graduation? We could be together, create new memories and when it DOES end it could end in a less "tragic" and bitter way and we could let go a bit easier because we wouldn't have to run in to each other day in and day out.

I'm not a kid, I know that relationships doesn't last forever but it would be so painful to leave it this way, to leave it in regret, bitterness and sadness when it started out so good. I don't think I could stand that.. but maybe i'm just foolish.

Edited November 14, 2015 by patricia0000