anna.s121 Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 My ex and I broke up one year ago. He broke up with me. I was heartbroken at first. We had been together 3 years and were each others first loves. We had problems during the last few months and I blamed myself (still do to an extent) - mostly down to immaturity and then worsened by long distance. I messaged him every few months after the break up and he always responded and after 6/7 months we met up for dinner upon my suggestion (he was enthusiastic(. At dinner he was very sweet and we spent a while together. i asked if he wanted to meet again a few weeks later and we did but he wasn't in a great mood and acted a bit weird. Ocasionally we messaged after that. A further few months later brings me to last week and we met up again. It was my suggestion again but he was enthusiastic when I messaged, even suggesting we go to a restaurant we went to in the past. When i suggested meeting up I dropped in a miss ya and he said he misses me too. The meet was nice but not for long, as he said he had studying to do for an exam. He text me straight after he left saying it was good to see me and apologizing for needing to leave. I guess I want to see him more but I'm not sure how/ what I should I say. His behaviour is a bit confusing too. I suggest meeting up but then he is always enthusiastic. We message occasionally, I start it more but sometimes he does too. Does anyone have any suggestions on where I should go from here? Or what he might be thinking? Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 I think you should stop chasing your ex. It's been a year and you're still in the "what is going through his head?" phase. He doesn't seem very interested in a romantic relationship with you. You've given him multiple opportunities to bring that up. He hasn't. If he wanted it, he would have told you. He knows you want him back. You need to stop orbiting your ex and you need to heal and move on to bigger and better things. Stop circling back to the past and create a better future. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted November 3, 2015 Share Posted November 3, 2015 Yep, like simon said, a year later and you're still in the same place. He was able to get out of the committed romantic relationship so he could do what he wants and you've hung around the whole time being "friends" while he's done nothing to get back together with you and has had ample opportunity if he really did. Great position for him to be in.....selfishly. Stop continuing to waste time on this so you can grieve and get over it and meet someone that is really interested in you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna.s121 Posted November 3, 2015 Author Share Posted November 3, 2015 I don't think I'm in the same place, I've moved on loads during the year. I have been seeing someone for the past few months. He was my friend and developed feelings for me long ago whilst with my ex. He knew when we started dating I wasn't totally over him but thinks I'm trying hard to be, which I am. I really like the guy I'm seeing but feel held back by the place I'm in. Most of the time when I meet up with my ex, I am trying to get to a point of friendship and am in a place where I think it is right we are apart. But then other points I get very upset about the past. I feel so much guilt about the relationship still. Feel like it was my fault. I guess I want to tell my ex about these feelings and reach a point of friendship. And figure out he feels about the end of it. I don't really know what will help me. I just don't like the slightly weird place we are in as he'll always mean a lot to me. I just worry I'll always be in this weird limbo. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna.s121 Posted November 4, 2015 Author Share Posted November 4, 2015 Does anyone have any input at all? I'm at such a loss as to what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Frogwife Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 Does anyone have any input at all? I'm at such a loss as to what to do. People gave you input above... there is nothing you can do but continue living your life as though he is not in it. That doesn't mean you have to drop contact, forget about him, whatever - if you want to email him, have lunch every few months, fine, but he doesn't appear to be looking to rekindle the romantic side of your relationship. Maybe he will one day, maybe he won't - we don't know what will happen in the future, but all you can do is look at what is being presented to you now and accept that. Link to post Share on other sites
Erik30 Posted November 4, 2015 Share Posted November 4, 2015 I'm sure you're doing a lot better now, but I think the problem is you never "really " went no contact. So he's still in your system. I kind off did the same thing as you once, and I ended up wasting a year because my ex eventually got a new boyfriend while we were still in touch. Which in a way felt like a relief because I finally, truly let go after that. I got rid of the "what if..." that was still in the back of my mind. But I should've just walked away after she broke up with me and never should've contacted her at all. He broke up with you, so he should be the one making an effort. He should be affraid that he might lose you to some other guy. He should be the one asking you to hang out, and initiating most of the contact... which he isn' t doing. So it seems like you care more about the relationship than he does. Focus on the other guy, (Only if you're ready and you like him of course) or try to find someone else 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna.s121 Posted November 5, 2015 Author Share Posted November 5, 2015 Ok thanks. The responses have been careful. I guess I'm still not sure whether to talking my ex about the end would help or not I feel like I need to but maybe I am just telling myself that Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 Ok thanks. The responses have been careful. I guess I'm still not sure whether to talking my ex about the end would help or not I feel like I need to but maybe I am just telling myself that I think you should go into real No Contact and flush all of this out of your system. You haven't completely and properly healed because you've cut corners. Maybe when you get to the point of complete indifference where you aren't trying to figure out what he's thinking and aren't overanalyzing every piece of communication then you can talk to him. But what you are doing right now is holding yourself back. You are keeping yourself in the limbo by continuing contact without completely processing your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
loveiswar101 Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 Yep. Like all. Stop the contact, your with someone else, work on that. The more you stay in his orbit the more you will struggle with these thoughts. Same boat for me, 5 months of low contact and finally realized she does not want the same as me. Just gone a month full NC and yes I feel a bit better, but most importantly I'm finally am accepting what has happened. Same should happen for you. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna.s121 Posted November 9, 2015 Author Share Posted November 9, 2015 Ok so I got ready to try to avoid contact for a while. And then my ex (drunkenly) contacted saying he misses me and how much the meet him reminded him of old times. The next day he apologised for the drunkness but said he does miss hanging out and can we do so more often (after busy period ends in a few weeks). I replied enthusiastically but said I was a bit unsure about what he was thinking. Tried to move the convo on but got quite abrupt responses. I'm really quite confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 Ok so I got ready to try to avoid contact for a while. And then my ex (drunkenly) contacted saying he misses me and how much the meet him reminded him of old times. The next day he apologised for the drunkness but said he does miss hanging out and can we do so more often (after busy period ends in a few weeks). I replied enthusiastically but said I was a bit unsure about what he was thinking. Tried to move the convo on but got quite abrupt responses. I'm really quite confused. He likes you as a person but is not into you as a romantic partner. Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 If he was interested in the same way you are, he would be all over it. there would be no confusion. This is coming from a guy, so believe his actions. Missing you is just be nostalgic. My ex did that with me and it meant nothing more than that. We had some really good times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna.s121 Posted November 9, 2015 Author Share Posted November 9, 2015 What makes you so sure it's that? I know it'a a possibility but I'm not convinced. He was quite emosh when drunk, wanting to come see me and even borrowing a friends phone to contact when his had died. I guess I want to ask in what way he misses me but it feels too soon as we haven't met up a lot yet? Link to post Share on other sites
greenleaves54 Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 Then tell him you can't be friends at this point. "If you want to get back together I'm willing to talk about it, but until then I would prefer if you didn't contact me anymore as I need to focus on my own life." Or something like that. A simple message which solves the whole situation. 1: You disappearing is the most likely way he will reconnect with you, and 2: If he doesn't, you will be able to move on and start a new life. It's really something you should've said a year ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 What makes you so sure it's that? I know it'a a possibility but I'm not convinced. He was quite emosh when drunk, wanting to come see me and even borrowing a friends phone to contact when his had died. I guess I want to ask in what way he misses me but it feels too soon as we haven't met up a lot yet? Because if a guy wants you, he'll come get you, especially if he's the one who let you go in the first place. Stop making up crap in your head to stay in this funk. You're doing yourself a huge disservice. You are really doing some severe mental gymnastics to avoid the fact that he's just not that into you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna.s121 Posted November 9, 2015 Author Share Posted November 9, 2015 Because if a guy wants you, he'll come get you, especially if he's the one who let you go in the first place. Stop making up crap in your head to stay in this funk. You're doing yourself a huge disservice. You are really doing some severe mental gymnastics to avoid the fact that he's just not that into you. I honestly am not trying to avoid the truth. I had accepted he didn't want me I just was trying to get round the guilt. This was out of the Blue but I'm not convinced it means he just wants to be friends. On the phone he said he didn't have the courage to tell me sober about missing me and was asking if I had thought of him. I feel like he's unsure of what he wants which is fair as we haven't met much recently and I think he wants to see each other more to work it out. However I do realise to that it could just be missing me as a friend. I want to ask as he wants to meet up again, so I'd like to know the context but is that too much to ask too soon? Link to post Share on other sites
greenleaves54 Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 I honestly am not trying to avoid the truth. I had accepted he didn't want me I just was trying to get round the guilt. This was out of the Blue but I'm not convinced it means he just wants to be friends. On the phone he said he didn't have the courage to tell me sober about missing me and was asking if I had thought of him. I feel like he's unsure of what he wants which is fair as we haven't met much recently and I think he wants to see each other more to work it out. However I do realise to that it could just be missing me as a friend. I want to ask as he wants to meet up again, so I'd like to know the context but is that too much to ask too soon? Stop overthinking it. It doesn't matter. Just tell him that you're not interested in being friends. If he wants you it is after you completely disappeared from his life that he will show it. He will never come back while you two hang out together and talk like this. You have nothing to lose and everything to win by doing this. Either you heal and move on or you get him back. Win-win. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 I honestly am not trying to avoid the truth. I had accepted he didn't want me I just was trying to get round the guilt. This was out of the Blue but I'm not convinced it means he just wants to be friends. On the phone he said he didn't have the courage to tell me sober about missing me and was asking if I had thought of him. I feel like he's unsure of what he wants which is fair as we haven't met much recently and I think he wants to see each other more to work it out. However I do realise to that it could just be missing me as a friend. I want to ask as he wants to meet up again, so I'd like to know the context but is that too much to ask too soon? You're overthinking. He broke up with you. There's no way he doesn't have the guts to tell if you if he wants you, because he knows you want him. And no, you should not ask him. It's up to him to ask you and come correct and it's up to you to stop being foolish and chomping at every piece of bait that he throws at you. Have some dignity and backbone. You shouldn't respond unless he comes correct about his motives. Honestly, you are trying so hard to connect dots that are nowhere in line to be connected. Link to post Share on other sites
Qboro90 Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 I honestly am not trying to avoid the truth. I had accepted he didn't want me I just was trying to get round the guilt. This was out of the Blue but I'm not convinced it means he just wants to be friends. On the phone he said he didn't have the courage to tell me sober about missing me and was asking if I had thought of him. I feel like he's unsure of what he wants which is fair as we haven't met much recently and I think he wants to see each other more to work it out. However I do realise to that it could just be missing me as a friend. I want to ask as he wants to meet up again, so I'd like to know the context but is that too much to ask too soon? The drunk phone call was a booty call. You've made yourself available and transparent post breakup so he knows he can get you if he wants you. You've never been fully out of his life so what's there to miss? You also interpret a drunk phone call as him realizing he misses you and just not having the courage to say it when he's sober. Um... Naive much? You ask if he wants to hang out. Has he asked you to hang out since the break up or is it always you? If it's you, then he's not interested and the only thing he'd offer you is a false hope of getting back together. Maybe he's going through a cold streak with ladies and it's getting chilly out so he wants someone to hang out with and have sex with. He'll say he misses you, make you feel like you can get him back, then you'll sleep with him, ask where this is going, and he'll say he wants to take it slow. Save yourself the run around and don't reply to his texts. If he doesn't give up after 3 ignores then you can try reaching out. But if he isn't bothered or interested enough to call you or see when he can see you, then you're just a hobby while he's bored/drunk. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 What makes you so sure it's that? I know it'a a possibility but I'm not convinced. He was quite emosh when drunk, wanting to come see me and even borrowing a friends phone to contact when his had died. I guess I want to ask in what way he misses me but it feels too soon as we haven't met up a lot yet? Because you are dating someone else, and your ex does nothing. No man is going to be okay with you dating another person if he really wants you back. He would make a move because you have given him many opportunities. His behavior is classic of someone who wants you around as a friend (and I use that term loosely) or a booty call. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna.s121 Posted November 9, 2015 Author Share Posted November 9, 2015 You're overthinking. He broke up with you. There's no way he doesn't have the guts to tell if you if he wants you, because he knows you want him. And no, you should not ask him. It's up to him to ask you and come correct and it's up to you to stop being foolish and chomping at every piece of bait that he throws at you. Have some dignity and backbone. You shouldn't respond unless he comes correct about his motives. Honestly, you are trying so hard to connect dots that are nowhere in line to be connected. I see what you're saying. So, you don't think he will ever want to get back together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna.s121 Posted November 9, 2015 Author Share Posted November 9, 2015 Because you are dating someone else, and your ex does nothing. No man is going to be okay with you dating another person if he really wants you back. He would make a move because you have given him many opportunities. His behavior is classic of someone who wants you around as a friend (and I use that term loosely) or a booty call. he doesn't know I'm dating anyone. Why is asking to see me more a bootycall? Link to post Share on other sites
Author anna.s121 Posted November 9, 2015 Author Share Posted November 9, 2015 The drunk phone call was a booty call. You've made yourself available and transparent post breakup so he knows he can get you if he wants you. You've never been fully out of his life so what's there to miss? You also interpret a drunk phone call as him realizing he misses you and just not having the courage to say it when he's sober. Um... Naive much? You ask if he wants to hang out. Has he asked you to hang out since the break up or is it always you? If it's you, then he's not interested and the only thing he'd offer you is a false hope of getting back together. Maybe he's going through a cold streak with ladies and it's getting chilly out so he wants someone to hang out with and have sex with. He'll say he misses you, make you feel like you can get him back, then you'll sleep with him, ask where this is going, and he'll say he wants to take it slow. Save yourself the run around and don't reply to his texts. If he doesn't give up after 3 ignores then you can try reaching out. But if he isn't bothered or interested enough to call you or see when he can see you, then you're just a hobby while he's bored/drunk. I am not interpreting it that, that's just what he said. Well he has asked to see me more. I don't see how asking to meet more is a booty call. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted November 9, 2015 Share Posted November 9, 2015 he doesn't know I'm dating anyone. Why is asking to see me more a bootycall? He's probably positioning you for a booty call should the need arise. You've gotta think like a guy in these situations. "I miss you" is probably the most common breadcrumb. Link to post Share on other sites
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