Seeking Second Attempt at Relationship with Ex

[weddingsinger]

Hi all - have been lurking a bit and just joined to solicit some opinions on my situation as I pursue a fresh start with my ex. Will try my best to keep the details below brief (just re-read, sorry...I tried).

 

I am a 29 y.o. man. My now-ex-girlfriend is 27, and she broke up with me just over two months ago (she was 26 at the time of the breakup). Her explanation was that she never felt that she connected to me the same way I connected to her, that that was likely due to her not being ready to be in a relationship/to commit to her "life going down the familiar path of someone in their late 20s," and, because of that, I deserved better than her. She did also admit, however, that my habit of being self-critical made it more difficult for me to work on problems, and that that also hindered her connecting with me. Although we had had some distance between us in the last month we were together, I thought our relationship was very healthy overall, that we had had multiple recent reaffirmations of our love for and appreciation of each other, and was pretty shocked by this happening. And, as elaborated upon below and as evidenced by her behavior throughout our relationship, I strongly feel that her feelings of unconnectedness were only sporadic and occasional, and not chronic as she indicated during the emotional throes of the breakup. Furthermore, I think that her commitment issues/aversions were not apparent throughout most of our relationship, and may have had a lot to do with things going on in her friends' lives (one is in a marriage that is basically dissolving and there is a child in the picture, the other just married a guy and my ex thinks that their relationship has a lot of red flags).

 

Although I did very briefly ask her to reconsider, I told her that I would respect her decision and that her happiness was important to me, never got angry, mean or overly emotional, and did not attempt to contact her for almost two months because I wanted to heal and move on. She did not contact me during that period, except in a note she included when giving my belongings back to a friend (whom I asked to be intermediary). She apparently left their brief meetup in tears (3-4 weeks post-breakup) when he noted/joked that she was returning my deodorant. In her note, she said she hoped we could meet up again sometime when I was ready and that she would welcome contact from me. During the period when we weren't in touch, I focused on myself, talked with friends/family, went on dates and met new people, and improved some areas of my life. Early in the process, I reached the conclusion that it was for the best and focused on moving on. Although I never vilified her in my mind, and was only angry at her (in my head, never anything i communicated to her) a couple brief moments, I did mentally blame our problems on a few times that she had (drunkenly) said that we weren't where we were supposed to be in terms of emotional intimacy, and said some other careless things in the process. (As an aside, when these episodes did happen during our relationship, I reassured her that emotional intimacy takes time, that we were making progress on our own schedule, and that she shouldn't compare us again anyone else's standard; she would always follow-up and say she talked it over with her friends/mom and agree with me. My feeling was that, based on family life/past relationships, she didn't have a great model for loving relationships and therefore amplified normal feelings of momentary doubt, but, because I loved her, I could help her grow in this area.)

 

At about a month and a half, something shifted for me. I had made some life changes for myself (with the intention of using the breakup as an opportunity). Nothing huge, but I sorted out some minor professional and financial issues that were causing me stress, and also hit the gym very hard as an outlet (went from decent/average+ to, pardon the immodesty, great shape). I also, for the first time, told some friends/family that she had gotten pregnant about six months into the relationship and terminated the pregnancy (was with her throughout that process, including the decision-making), the admission of which lifted an immense weight from my shoulders, causing me to realize that my emotions regarding that process were previously unresolved. I then felt that, really, we had had some distance prior to the breakup, and a lot of it was based on me not taking care of myself/my circumstances properly. I also thought that, although I was happy without her, she and I were, in the most important ways, a great match, and that I would regret not exploring a second attempt at a relationship, having learned from mistakes and being free from some of the outside forces that were affecting us.

 

Her birthday was shortly before the two month mark. I sent her a short text and referenced an inside joke. She send me a nice text back playing along with the joke. A couple of days later, I emailed her asking if I could take her up on her offer to meet, and she said she was glad I wrote and suggested a time/place the next weekend. We met for coffee, had a warm hug when we said hello, and just caught up for close to an hour. I congratulated her about some good things happening in her life (work, home improvement project, etc.) and asked after her mom and some of her close friends whom I had liked a lot. She seemed very impressed when I told her about some job interviews I had coming up, laughed a lot at my comments and anecdotes, and told me how great I looked. Since I had told her in my email that, in addition to catching up, I wanted to say a few things to her in person, she gave me an opening to do so. I told her that there were a couple of things I wanted to say that i hadn't had the chance to, and that I hoped she would also get something out of hearing them. I said I wanted to thank her: for letting me be a part of her life and vice-versa, because I had learned and grown so much being with her, including how to trust, love someone more than myself, and go outside of my emotional comfort zone. And I also said I was sorry: for mentally putting blame on her alone and not taking responsibility for my role in the distance between us toward the end, because of the pain that I imagine it caused her while we were still together. I also told her that making some positive changes in my life had made me realize that she was right about the need to do so, and that i had let the factors I've described stop me from being myself during the last portion of our relationship.

 

Before I was 30 seconds into the "serious" part of our conversation, she was crying very heavily. I stayed very calm, and strong but gentle (not a put-on, just how I like to think of myself) during the 5+ minutes it took me to say my piece, and really just did speak from the heart (although I had organized my thoughts beforehand). I offered her my handkerchief while I was speaking, which she accepted. When I was finished, she told me that, even at what I would consider to be my worst (when I let stress, etc., keep my from being myself), she still thought I was the most decent person she knew. She told me that I had made her a better person and that that was the highest compliment she could imagine giving someone. She stood up and came to hug me while I was still sitting and said that she was really happy that I had said what I had, even if she didn't think i owed her any apologies. Pretty soon thereafter we agreed that it was probably best to be calling it a day. When we hugged goodbye I kissed her on the cheek. She seemed surprised but quickly did the same. My only misgiving (won't say regret, because I meant what I said) was to tell her, before we parted ways, that I was happy we could still be in touch, that my experience with her would always be a part of me, and that I would always care about her. It was all true, but part of me fears that she could now think I've closed the door to another try in my mind.

 

In the interest of brevity (hah!), I will also say in summary that a couple of her comments during this whole exchange, although not unambiguous, made me think that she had expected/hoped for me to bring up getting back together, and was curious (without coming out and asking directly) about my current love life. However, I am trying to place less stock in those mentally (confirmation bias and all).

 

In the few days since, I have initiated two short text exchanges with her. The first was along the lines of "great to see you and wanted to make sure you're doing OK" and the second was some joking/small talk. Based on my experiences with her communication style, her responses seemed encouraging for my purposes here. Late last night, several hours we had last texted, she sent a flirty text that continued our previous line of conversation and responded pretty quickly (for being at work) when I replied this morning. She has not, however, truly initiated any communication with me since we met.

 

So here's what I know from all this:

-I do, in fact, still have feelings for her and want to explore a new relationship with her

-My wanting to make that leap is not dependent on her "signs" being as positive as I think they may be (I am willing to take the risk regardless)

-Although her reacting negatively would sting, it would not set me back to how I felt when she broke up with me (not by a long shot), and I would likely regret not making an attempt

-I have handled myself with dignity and class throughout this process; I am not worried about "saving my pride" or "letting her come to me" but instead want to follow my heart

-If we were to try again, I would be smart about not repeating some of the mistakes I had made previously (letting work stress creep into my personal life unreasonably, not taking as good care of myself physically), and that we made together (getting too physical too fast is the big one IMO)

 

And here's what I suspect:

-That she may in fact still have feeling for me (not the same thing as wanting to give it another try, but a prerequisite for that nonetheless)

-She may want to give it another try, or have an openness to the idea

-She, being partly stubborn and partly insecure (both qualities I can live with and even like in the context of who she is overall) might be either afraid of trying or convinced that she cannot change her mind; she might also (based in part on remarks she made saying how well it looked like i was doing) think I have moved past being open to that possibility

 

Obviously I am ready to put myself out there and accept the consequences if my interest in trying again isn't reciprocated. I also have decided that if I'm going to make such an attempt, then I want to do it the right way (i.e., maximize my chances). So I would appreciate any thoughts on the following:

-Forum for doing this - this has to be in person, right? That's what I'd prefer, but interested if a letter/email would be preferable.

-Is there any benefit to keeping things light (communication-wise) for a little while longer, or should I just get down to it?

-My inclination is to state my desire and some of the reasons I think it could work much better this time. Is there any argument in favor of just saying simply that I'd like to try again and letting her react from there?

 

Thanks in advance to anyone who suffered through reading all of this and is willing to offer some thoughts regarding my questions.

[Meli22]

Unless she has suggested she's open to reconciliation I could put my last dime on her saying no. She dumped you because she didn't feel a connection with you. When you met up you BOTH agreed parting ways was for the best. You may have played it cool and gentle but in the end it doesn't matter. If she wanted/wants you back she WILL let you know, no matter how stubborn she is. She dumped you, so it's up to her to make the work if she decides she made a mistake.

 

OP I know you want her back, we've all been in your shoes. But it's not about what steps YOU should take to make this happen. This needs to come from her. You say it won't set you back but I'm pretty sure it will. You'll basically relive the rejection AGAIN, and this time it'll feel more real because there's been that time apart, and her decision will still stand. I could be way off, and she may take you back with open arms, but from everything you've described I just don't see it happening. If I broke up with someone and realised it was a mistake, I certainly wouldn't wait for THEM to start the conversation of a second chance. No matter how much pride I had.

[weddingsinger]

Meli, thanks for your response. Obviously not the message I was hoping to hear but I posted my situation in part to get some unbiased third-party perspective. Much appreciated.

 

I probably let seeing how emotional she got at our meeting and receiving a late-night text (plus a couple other ambiguous-at-best signs) from her influence my thinking too much. For the time being, I'm going to see if she puts any effort into contacting/wanting to see me, and react accordingly if she does. Obviously the smartest/healthiest thing to do is simultaneously keep living my life, so I am doing my best to do that as well, while not taking any options off of the table.

 

I'll update this thread if anything noteworthy occurs, and would certainly appreciate any more perspectives in the meantime should other readers care to share theirs.

[Meli22]

That's the best thing to do

[greenleaves54]

Hi.

 

I know what you mean. The most confusing thing is how suddenly the break-up seems to happen. I think one must accept that people's feelings can change very fast and that we will never understand the thought process behind it. When I started to read here on LS, it was such a relief to see how everyone described the same thing: "My ex told me she was crazy in love with me one day and the next she was completely cold and broke up, WTF?" It's just the way our minds, hormones and bodies work it seems!

 

I'm impressed by how well you seem to have handled the situation in the beginning by accepting her decision and going NC.

 

How long were you two together by the way? I think I missed that.

 

But by seeking her out thanking her and even apologizing I think you surrendered all the power you built during NC to her though. I think the majority of break-ups happen because the other person in some way feels that they can find someone better, whether that feeling is rational or not. They might not be aware of it though. By telling her how you feel she knows you are there and available. She doesn't have to do any work to get you at all. I think you need to disappear completely. Not only is it the best way for you to move on as fast as possible, but it is also the most likely way she will reconnect with you. And if she never does, I think the reality is that the love between you wasn't enough to work in the long run. Complete NC is the only "attempt to get her back" you need. Pouring out your emotions to her or contacting her several times is not the attempt you need. That's not attempting to get her back I'm afraid, more like attempting to push her away.

 

I don't think we should "seek" a second chance simply because there is nothing we can do about it. If anything is going to happen I believe it will have to be on the initiative of the dumper. I do think it's okay to have hope though! As long as you don't base your entire happiness on the possibility that she might come back! If you just stay away from making contact you are on the healing path and week by week it will feel better. Having a bit of hope is okay. Especially in the beginning. We shouldn't blame ourselves for that.

 

I think of it a bit as an empirical social experiment of sorts. We read about how the power balance can change when you just accept their decision and ignore them. I know I will live a great life with or without her, but it will just be interesting to see if she ever looks back, if the changes in power balance shows. If I was to make contact I would ruin the entire experiment! And I can not do that Whether I would accept her back or not is a much later question, which I don't need to know the answer to at this time.

 

I can find some peace in the thought that the only thing I can do is to move on with my life. My relationship with my ex is now completely out of my control. Maybe she makes contact, sure then I'll listen to what she has to say. Maybe I never hear from her again, then sure that's fine too, in a way. Maybe you can find some peace in that thought as well. I'm afraid the only thing you can do is to disappear from her life. It is the dumper who should wonder if they should email or call their ex, not the dumpee. I never have to ponder about the best time or way to contact my ex... because I never need to do that! It would just be counter-productive. Phew, what I relief. I can just move on with my life and never look back. She however, will probably look both back, forward, up and left. Hah! I'm glad I won't be as confused as she probably will be.

 

Stand straight with a proud chest! You are awesome and are going on new adventures in your life! If someone from the past makes contact some time in the future, you can listen to what they have to say, but do you have time for them in your new awesome life with all the new experience and values you now have? Maybe, maybe not.

 

Maybe I was mostly venting my own thoughts here and not helping you much. I'm sorry in that case, it happens easily... But maybe it was of some use.

Edited October 17, 2015 by greenleaves54