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disbelief

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hey all

 

wanted some opinions on my situation. is this girl back because she loves me or because she just needs to be with someone?

 

we got together about 3.5 yrs ago and now have a 2.5 yr old son.

 

early in the relationship i wasn't overly into her and took her for granted. I didn't really give her the love she needed.

 

over time she then got bitchy and complained a lot which always annoyed me. I would always try to make her happy though because really, deep down i did care for her.

 

overtime my feelings increased for her and our family, we grew together and did all the family stuff. we would still have fights and disagreements but nothing crazy or out of the ordinary.

 

so about 6 months ago she got a new job which boosted her confidence as she had to look pretty everyday etc.

 

over the first 3 months of her new job she got colder and colder. I noticed her pulling away and I tried to compensate by letting her know how much i loved her and sent her flowers at work etc etc.

 

so one day she comes home and says "i love you but im not in love with you" which caused me to react by saying "wtf do you mean? what is this then? etc" i believe she purposely wanted to start this fight to give her an excuse for leaving.

 

anyway, she left that night and was dating another guy 2 days later. later i found out they were texting before she left, nothing serious but just talking as friends i guess. basically she had another guy she could go hang out with and she did 48 hrs later.

 

so i ended up finding out that they kept hanging out and they did end up having sex.

 

she will never admit she left me for him but its so obvious she did, they were texting before she left and she was with him 48 hrs later and eventually ended up having sex. she says she left because our relationship was so bad. in my opinion is wasn't THAT bad, and on top of that we had a family etc.

 

so after her mini 3 month break from the family and screwing another guy shes done with him and shes back home now. we had the hot make up sex and all that.

 

we went to counselling and she said that she never thought of the other guy in a relationship way and that they are just friends and the sex just happened because there was some mutual attraction....oh and she was with him earlier in her life, so basically hes an ex bf.

 

in her defense she did make the effort to move out and she did say that she really believed she would never come back - but they always believe that at the time i guess.

 

anyway, basically she lost interest in me then this other dude started talking to her and she made the decision to go and pursue something with him without really trying to work on her family. there was no stopping her either, i tried everything.

 

did i do the right thing by accepting her back? The reason she left for him is because she didn't like the way she felt in this situation anymore and it probably become boring for her as-well. we didn't really do anything anymore either like date nights etc.

 

i was in crazy amounts of pain because of the fact our family didn't mean much to her and she walked away so easily.

 

now that shes back im struggling to trust her and the fact that some other dude got between her legs and had his way with her is really bothering me. i love her and shes the mother of my child, not easy to get over.

 

she doesn't like talking about it and she just wants to move forward and try to make things better then they were before.

 

she said she would lay in bed at night crying about our family and she thought that she should try again. this is nice and all but it took her screwing another guy to figure that out.

 

so basically is she justified? the relationship sucked so she left and screwed another guy and now shes back to try again. my thought is: is she going to do this again? or if we are better can i trust her?

Edited by disbelief
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Hell no she isn't justified. And I'm not saying for sure that I wouldnt do what you have if given a similar situation, but dude. That distrust is going to be there. That's the unfortunate reality, some stuff just doesn't go away. Me, being very steady with my feelings and interests, would never flip like that and offer no alternative or way to try to make something work. She just left man.

 

Good luck to you and your family, hopefully there will be real change and this won't turn into a terrible choice for both of you.

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early in the relationship i wasn't overly into her and took her for granted. I didn't really give her the love she needed.

 

...

 

so about 6 months ago she got a new job which boosted her confidence as she had to look pretty everyday etc.

 

over the first 3 months of her new job she got colder and colder. I noticed her pulling away and I tried to compensate by letting her know how much i loved her and sent her flowers at work etc etc.

 

so one day she comes home and says "i love you but im not in love with you" which caused me to react by saying "wtf do you mean? what is this then? etc" i believe she purposely wanted to start this fight to give her an excuse for leaving.

 

anyway, she left that night and was dating another guy 2 days later. later i found out they were texting before she left, nothing serious but just talking as friends i guess. basically she had another guy she could go hang out with and she did 48 hrs later.

 

...

 

so after her mini 3 month break from the family and screwing another guy shes done with him and shes back home now. we had the hot make up sex and all that.

 

we went to counselling and she said that she never thought of the other guy in a relationship way and that they are just friends and the sex just happened because there was some mutual attraction....oh and she was with him earlier in her life, so basically hes an ex bf.

 

did i do the right thing by accepting her back? The reason she left for him is because she didn't like the way she felt in this situation anymore and it probably become boring for her as-well. we didn't really do anything anymore either like date nights etc.

 

...

 

now that shes back im struggling to trust her and the fact that some other dude got between her legs and had his way with her is really bothering me. i love her and shes the mother of my child, not easy to get over.

 

she doesn't like talking about it and she just wants to move forward and try to make things better then they were before.

 

....

 

so basically is she justified? the relationship sucked so she left and screwed another guy and now shes back to try again. my thought is: is she going to do this again? or if we are better can i trust her?

 

From the sound of things you both did some not-so-nice things in the relationship, however one person's misbehavior doesn't justify the actions of another in this case. Outside of life threatening situations, we chose our actions. I posted the things that stood out to me.

 

My attitude about taking someone back is that they have to acknowledge not only what they did by why they did it so her "not talking about it" wouldn't be an option. Its pretty unrealistic to expect someone to trust again after they demonstrated their willingness to 'scorch the earth' so to speak. So its on the dumper to show that they are sincere and not simply upset over a miscalculation on their part. How do you ever know if they are simply regrouping before they give the world another go?

 

That being said, she did go to counselling, so there is accountability, but even that could be going through the motions.

 

I would take a wait and see attitude about things before getting too settled in.

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i told her to just admit that she left me for him because its so obvious and she said:

 

" i didn't leave you for him, im not going to lie about why i left just to make you happy"

 

shes very convincing and im almost believing her. she says she left because she was so sick of how mad she would get at me etc.

 

it still doesn't change the fact that she was texting him before she left and was with him 2 days later but considering how the relationship was i have read that it is very common for women to do this. maybe i can be accountable for my part in it and try to just treat her the best and see if its different and watch her behavior closely.

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It might work between you two, and it might not. I really can't know that.

 

 

What I do know is that if you take her back just like that, The chances of her not doing it again are almost zero.

 

What had she learned from all of this? That every time she feels bored, or unhappy, or in a crisis with you, she can go and **** other guys who will give her attention, and make her feel wanted. And then after a month, or few month she can come back, while you're waiting for her like a puppy.

 

This is what she'd learned. The only way you can change that future routine, is to make her learn a lesson that will be a barrier for her from cheating again. You must have her pay a price. She must learn not to take you for granted if she cheats again.

 

How? Well, by letting her come to the house like nothing has happen, you reduced your chances. Now it's much more difficult. If she insists moving in, you can move out. Find a room, and sleep there from time to time (2 nights a week). Go and date other girls, while telling her that you have to think about it.

 

This will shock her. Even if you will not sleep with any other girl, she will see that you have a value in the market, that girls want you, that you are a man.

 

After she is terrified about the possibility that you might leave her, and think that she might have lost it all, only then, she will learn a lesson. THis process will help you to figure out your needs and wishes too...

Edited by lolablue17
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i told her to just admit that she left me for him because its so obvious and she said:

 

" i didn't leave you for him, im not going to lie about why i left just to make you happy"

 

shes very convincing and im almost believing her. she says she left because she was so sick of how mad she would get at me etc.

 

it still doesn't change the fact that she was texting him before she left and was with him 2 days later but considering how the relationship was i have read that it is very common for women to do this. maybe i can be accountable for my part in it and try to just treat her the best and see if its different and watch her behavior closely.

 

Is she aware of all of the information that you have? Because either she is telling the truth or she is one of the boldest most brazen liars ever.

 

I guess this comes down to who she is i.e. you've known for years now, what's her character like?

 

I know that's a crazy thing to consider after something like this, but is she the kind of person that would lie to the bitter end? Is she the kind of person that folds?

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SoThatHappened

If a child wasn't involved, I would tell you to run for the hills.

 

Well, still telling you to run but do what you have to do to keep a stable life for your child.

 

She left a normal relationship (who doesn't get bored or have arguments?) to bang a co-worker. Happened to me but we weren't boring or even arguing. Still in the honeymoon period.

 

She did it once, she can do it again.

 

I would tell her that right now the best thing is to truly be apart from each other, except for what contact you need for your child.

 

I'm a little biased, but someone who jumps from one d!ck to another within hours isn't cool with me. That's someone who's too flighty and will VERY LIKELY do it again as soon as she's bored.

 

What are your ages?

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I'm 29 and she's 24..... she didn't jump on his dick 2 days later ( I'm fairly certain) but eventually she did. Maybe a couple weeks later. Who knows maybe she did do him 2 days later now that I think about it.

 

I'm trying to be nice and have a good relationship with her but there's a part of me that is in utter turmoil over this but I feel like I can't tell her as she would get defensive etc.

 

I told her that I don't want someone that doesent value me and if you valued me and this family how could you do that?

 

She says she wouldn't be back if she didn't value me etc.

 

It's hard to act like everything is fine when inside i feel like telling her how it really makes me feel. Even if I told her I'm Not sure she would even hear it.

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How easily did you take her back? Did she have to work for it, or did you open up your arms and take her back.

 

i didn't exactly take her back like nothing happened. i made us go to counselling and she also went by herself.

 

i also told her that i feel she could do it again and that maybe this relationship isn't for me.

 

she started getting sad and saying how us trying again was such a waste. we then went back and forth for about an hour about my feelings of her not valuing me etc. i guess in the end i was somewhat satisfied with the outcome and we ended that debate on ok terms.

 

its just so hard to overlook everything that's happened. i feel like she hasn't made me feel secure about everything. im even reliving this hell in my dreams.

 

does anyone have any good questions to ask her?

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SoThatHappened
does anyone have any good questions to ask her?

Yes.

 

"How can we make this scenario the best for our child without us screwing up his/her life?"

 

Period.

 

Quit chasing "why, how, what, etc." Let your adult brain overcome your inner b!tch and man up for the little one.

 

She'll always have that attachment to you, but that's nothing compared to an innocent life.

 

You're a father. Be one regardless of the mother.

 

If it eventually works out between you two, then GREAT! But priority numero uno is the child. Work everything else out later.

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She doesn't want to talk about it because she feels guilty about it. But she owes you a sincere apology and you have to be willing to accept it. The both of you have to want this. It sounds like there were problems in the relationship before this happened. No one is 100% innocent in all of this. The cart can't move forward if one of the horses is standing still. Best of luck to the both of you.

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