bluefeather Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 So the whole NC with GIGS thing... I guess it really does do something positive, because I was able to heal myself to the point where I stopped wanting this person. But as soon as I am over it, she comes back like a stampede after me. I am really not sure what to do about this. She left me months ago and now has been saying practically everything I would have wanted to hear as far as apologies go, and wanting to come back into my life... but now I just don't know if I want it anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
lil hoodlum Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Do you what you want, but I wouldn't seriously give in to her request for a second chance so easily. Make her earn it. I don't think you should let some one walk in and out of your life so easily. If you do, they may think that they can do it again if so inclined. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Did she call you? Or is she sending a bunch of texts about her supposed regret? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluefeather Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 (edited) Did she call you? Or is she sending a bunch of texts about her supposed regret? she attempted all methods of communication (edit: except a hand written letter!). I ignored a lot of it and then she came to see me in person. she didnt just express regret. she said she wants to get back with me and will do whatever it takes. Edited September 30, 2015 by bluefeather Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 she attempted all methods of communication (edit: except a hand written letter!). I ignored a lot of it and then she came to see me in person. she didnt just express regret. she said she wants to get back with me and will do whatever it takes. What would "whatever it takes" look like? Are you even interested in going there? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 she attempted all methods of communication (edit: except a hand written letter!). I ignored a lot of it and then she came to see me in person. she didnt just express regret. she said she wants to get back with me and will do whatever it takes.Well, you are very lucky, then. I can't imagine my ex ever doing this, any of this. Good luck. I wish I were you right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluefeather Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 What would "whatever it takes" look like? Are you even interested in going there? I don't know... maybe therapy. Well, you are very lucky, then. I can't imagine my ex ever doing this, any of this. Good luck. I wish I were you right now. I would only wish you were the me that was healed, not the me that is now confused. I didn't need her back. I didn't want her back. I was GREAT. Now... I don't know what to think right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I didn't need her back. I didn't want her back. I was GREAT. Now... I don't know what to think right now.Alright, I'm gonna help you out right now. Just know that I'm pretty jealous of your situation, confused or not. Since she has expressed her desire to have you back, your ego should be SOARING right now. You were hurt, all you wanted was to have her back; now she has expressed that she f*cked up, and you were right the entire time. You WIN. This is why I'm jealous; she has confirmed that you are miss-able, that she has been thinking non-stop about you and that you are valuable. We should all be so lucky on this board. You are in a huge position of power. However, you can't trust her anymore. You can never trust her again. So here is what you do with that power. You tell her, "Thank you for being open and honest with me. I know that you are sincere in the things you are saying. However, I am healing from this breakup, and being in contact with you and starting a r/s with you again is not going to work for me. I want to move forward. So please don't contact me again. I will contact you in the future when I am ready for a friendship. Take care." Then go NC for like a year or two. You win, dude. Don't f*ck this up by giving her another chance. Your position is highly, highly enviable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 Tell her you are willing to see her, on a date, once a month. Out in public. If that's not good enough for her, she just needed an ego boost and she figured you'd be easy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluefeather Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 Tell her you are willing to see her, on a date, once a month. Out in public. If that's not good enough for her, she just needed an ego boost and she figured you'd be easy. I wouldn't agree to a session of rare dates. I would either be with her or not have her in my life. If I was easy I would have ran right to her. I already told her once that I'm doing my own thing now and she is still trying. Oregon_Dude, thank you for that advice. Also, if it helps, remember what everyone here says about the grass on the other side. Consider that in this situation. The grass is not greener here. Maybe it WAS, but now there is confusion... I was seriously having fun and being happy, taking charge of my life. With this person coming back, my thoughts are starting to become distracted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Stage5Clinger Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 This sucks because you always secretly want them back -- but you don't really want them. You want the person you want them to be in your dreams but that's not who they are. That didn't change just because you ignored them for a few months and they feel regret for the first time in their life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted September 30, 2015 Share Posted September 30, 2015 I was seriously having fun and being happy, taking charge of my life. With this person coming back, my thoughts are starting to become distracted.You ARE in charge. You can either ignore her or send a similar message to what I wrote, but what you will not do is give her another chance. You have all the power here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluefeather Posted September 30, 2015 Author Share Posted September 30, 2015 You ARE in charge. You can either ignore her or send a similar message to what I wrote, but what you will not do is give her another chance. You have all the power here. I do not know what I am going to do. And I am still in control of my life. It's not the same to say no when they are so obviously trying to throw breadcrumbs. These are no breadcrumbs... These actions are a close idea of what I told myself around the time I started to get over her: "I will only consider taking her back if she did ____." I raised my standards. If it had been anything less than what I deserved, I would have told her to hit the road. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oregon_Dude Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 All I can tell you dude is that anyone here would trade places with you. You're in what we call a "good problem". You'll figure it out. Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 OP how long ago was the breakup? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluefeather Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 All I can tell you dude is that anyone here would trade places with you. You're in what we call a "good problem". You'll figure it out. If that is the case, I will give you the advice that I followed to get here. Stop wanting her to come back. That is exactly what I did. I don't mean start doing things to be busy, or start dating, or anything like that. I mean just, however you get there, get to the point when you seriously don't give a **** either way about what that person ends up doing. I blessed her and moved on. The time I got to that point is the time that she came back. My ego is not soaring. I learned to love myself without the validation of an other. I already knew that she fudged up without her telling me, having accepted that she has certain mental/emotional issues. As for winning, she lost and so did I with the breakup. But I gained something in the process (the ability to feel abandoned and still be ok) and she gained something as well (maybe a wiser perspective about herself in hindsight). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluefeather Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 OP how long ago was the breakup? over a couple months. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 What caused the breakup? Do you think she has changed? The most important thing is do you think there is a future? I wish I was in your position wishing my ex would come back after leaving me for another girl. This is a decision only you can decide on. You have to be strong. Consider all the pros and cons, and if you do take her back, I hope things really do work out for the best for you both. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluefeather Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 What caused the breakup? Do you think she has changed? The most important thing is do you think there is a future? I wish I was in your position wishing my ex would come back after leaving me for another girl. This is a decision only you can decide on. You have to be strong. Consider all the pros and cons, and if you do take her back, I hope things really do work out for the best for you both. Fear caused the breakup. Both of us have or had huge abandonment issues. Do I think she has changed? I do. But that does not mean that I don't think she will change back. That is why I am thinking about something drastic having to happen before I might go forward. Do I think there is a future? Absolutely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluefeather Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 also just fyi guys, I know what you mean when you say you wish this would happen to you. I wasn't planning on talking much here about this, but I decided to stick around a little longer... I will try to give anymore input if it will help your situation as you help me deal with mine. But really, this isn't necessarily a really totally awesome thing. I went through a lot of pain over this... Try to look at it this way. You don't need that person in your life. I know it may sound trite, but it is true. I was ignored, I was let go of, I was hurt. And through it, I had to survive. I ended up becoming stronger when I realized that I did not need anyone else to feel good about myself. Let it be a joke of fate, but once I seriously stopped caring about this person coming around, she came around. I'm not saying that will happen for every case out there, but the main part of this is that you will "win" if you realize this fact: You don't need anyone to make you feel happy. And if they hurt you so badly once, you really don't need them. Someone out there is better, and you deserve better. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Try to look at it this way. You don't need that person in your life. I know it may sound trite, but it is true. I was ignored, I was let go of, I was hurt. And through it, I had to survive. I ended up becoming stronger when I realized that I did not need anyone else to feel good about myself. Let it be a joke of fate, but once I seriously stopped caring about this person coming around, she came around. I'm not saying that will happen for every case out there, but the main part of this is that you will "win" if you realize this fact: You don't need anyone to make you feel happy. And if they hurt you so badly once, you really don't need them. Someone out there is better, and you deserve better. I had a thought earlier. I'm crying every day, barely eating, making myself sick over the ending of a relationship. I feel devastated. But I'm not the one who ended it, he did. He made the choice to throw away what I thought was the BE ALL END ALL for both of us. He will regret it. He has to live with knowing he messed it all up. And when that day comes and he wants me back, it may be too late. But it's his risk because he gave up on us, not me. That realization brings me some comfort in a weird way, unfortunately I'm still going to cry and miss him like hell for awhile. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author bluefeather Posted October 1, 2015 Author Share Posted October 1, 2015 I had a thought earlier. I'm crying every day, barely eating, making myself sick over the ending of a relationship. I feel devastated. But I'm not the one who ended it, he did. He made the choice to throw away what I thought was the BE ALL END ALL for both of us. He will regret it. He has to live with knowing he messed it all up. And when that day comes and he wants me back, it may be too late. But it's his risk because he gave up on us, not me. That realization brings me some comfort in a weird way, unfortunately I'm still going to cry and miss him like hell for awhile. A person who would throw you away like that... is not worth your tears. That is what I realized. I may tell this person, it's just not there anymore. If I take the person back, it will be on my terms. And if I take her back and she leaves, or if she even changes her mind and leaves me before that even becomes a possibility, I am already OK with that. This person being in my life does not define who I am. I have been left before by another girl, and I never want that one to come back, ever, although I cried even harder for her than this current one. Maybe when the heart breaks, it can some times get stronger. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
singme2sleep Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 A person who would throw you away like that... is not worth your tears. That is what I realized. I may tell this person, it's just not there anymore. If I take the person back, it will be on my terms. And if I take her back and she leaves, or if she even changes her mind and leaves me before that even becomes a possibility, I am already OK with that. This person being in my life does not define who I am. I have been left before by another girl, and I never want that one to come back, ever, although I cried even harder for her than this current one. Maybe when the heart breaks, it can some times get stronger. I never had an ex want to get back together, but my first love made contact a year after our breakup and apologized for the way he treated me. It felt nice to hear that he was sorry at least. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I had a thought earlier. I'm crying every day, barely eating, making myself sick over the ending of a relationship. I feel devastated. But I'm not the one who ended it, he did. He made the choice to throw away what I thought was the BE ALL END ALL for both of us. He will regret it. He has to live with knowing he messed it all up. And when that day comes and he wants me back, it may be too late. But it's his risk because he gave up on us, not me. That realization brings me some comfort in a weird way, unfortunately I'm still going to cry and miss him like hell for awhile. Hey If you have time to read please look up "Andrew Aitken - Beyond the Breakup". Im not pushing anything on you, but you are where I was almost 10 months ago. I suggest you read that book because it has practical advice on why your ex behaved the way he did, and the author is very insightful when it comes the male perspective. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have to let go. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I wouldn't agree to a session of rare dates. I would either be with her or not have her in my life. If I was easy I would have ran right to her. I already told her once that I'm doing my own thing now and she is still trying. You don't understand. By telling her you will see her only once a month, you are testing her. If she just wants an easy way back, she won't get it. She can only see you once a month. In public. (in other words, she can't SEX you back) Odds are, that is NOT what she wants. She wants an easy landing spot. And once she sees you won't just give it up and let her sex you back as her Plan B, most likely she'll just disappear. In other words, she has to earn you back. If she won't do the work, then you don't want her. Link to post Share on other sites
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