Second chance doesn't work. They leave you once, they'll do it again

[Emma1a]

I'm speaking from personal experience:

 

My situation:

 

- 8 years together since HS

 

- We are both 27

 

- He left because he wanted to experience other girls back in Nov 2012

 

- He came back after a month (I kept begging and messaging him). He came back after i sent a email saying that i will never contact him again. He wrote back please don't and then came back to me.

 

- We were long distance for a couple months from March - Aug 2013, during which period he signed on for an online dating site (i found out from checking his emails). I was going to end it but didn't after he begged and begged

 

- Engaged early 2014, never planned or talked about wedding from his part

 

- He left again early 2015. This time, there's someone else in the picture so he hasn't contacted me at all since I went full NC two months ago.

 

What's your story?

[Destroyed.]

So sorry to hear about your break up. 8 years is such a long time to be with someone especially since High School.. He obviously isn't man enough to have you to be his only one. He sounds quite insecure & wants the attention of other women. Just remind yourself, that this isn't your fault. He sounds quite confused & you deserve someone that wants you all the time. I hope things get better for you. But as hard as it might seem, leave him in your past where he belongs.

[diamondgirl]

my story is kind of similar.

 

Started dating my ex in HS (i was 15, he was 16). We are now 24.

 

He broke up with me in 2010 for about 5 months because he wanted to experience other girls (LC on both sides). finally i told him if he wanted me in his life he had to commit or i was walking, so he committed and we kept going along.

 

He broke up with me again in 2013 for the same reasons. told me he couldn't imagine only ever having one relationship, needed other experiences to compare, wanted to see what else was out there, etc. LC for about 2 months before he agreed to commit again.

 

Broke up exactly a year ago in 2014 after 1.5 years after our 2013 reconciliation. Same exact reasons - told me if we ever were going to end up married then i needed to let him do this now. he got into another relationship about 3 months later. they are still together.

 

i met my now boyfriend 8 months post break up. he treats me so much better, appreciates me more, and i am so much happier than i was with my ex. my ex and i don't speak anymore - we have run into each other and exchanged birthday texts within the past year but thats pretty much it. i now know it would never work long term and don't want to speak to him. i am looking forward to the future with my current, amazing boyfriend your time will come where you will meet someone who wont repeatedly wonder if better is out there. you deserve more than that!

[Emma1a]

So sorry to hear about your break up. 8 years is such a long time to be with someone especially since High School.. He obviously isn't man enough to have you to be his only one. He sounds quite insecure & wants the attention of other women. Just remind yourself, that this isn't your fault. He sounds quite confused & you deserve someone that wants you all the time. I hope things get better for you. But as hard as it might seem, leave him in your past where he belongs.

 

Thanks! I know it is just not meant to be if he has to experience another relationship. I am dealing and this past couple days been fine, I know now there's 100% no turning back and am moving on! I will get there! Thanks for your msg ☺️

[Emma1a]

my story is kind of similar.

 

Started dating my ex in HS (i was 15, he was 16). We are now 24.

 

He broke up with me in 2010 for about 5 months because he wanted to experience other girls (LC on both sides). finally i told him if he wanted me in his life he had to commit or i was walking, so he committed and we kept going along.

 

He broke up with me again in 2013 for the same reasons. told me he couldn't imagine only ever having one relationship, needed other experiences to compare, wanted to see what else was out there, etc. LC for about 2 months before he agreed to commit again.

 

Broke up exactly a year ago in 2014 after 1.5 years after our 2013 reconciliation. Same exact reasons - told me if we ever were going to end up married then i needed to let him do this now. he got into another relationship about 3 months later. they are still together.

 

i met my now boyfriend 8 months post break up. he treats me so much better, appreciates me more, and i am so much happier than i was with my ex. my ex and i don't speak anymore - we have run into each other and exchanged birthday texts within the past year but thats pretty much it. i now know it would never work long term and don't want to speak to him. i am looking forward to the future with my current, amazing boyfriend your time will come where you will meet someone who wont repeatedly wonder if better is out there. you deserve more than that!

 

 

Hi Diamondgirl! I'm so happy for you! I hope I can find my one soon. I met a couple guys over the last five months since bu but didn't have a real connection with any. I have met this guy and we've been texting non stop since a week ago and met twice already! He is constantly on my mind and I am really attracted to him. I'm not sure where this is going but I sure know that I can get over the ex that didn't deserve me thanks for your message, makes me see hope and the light at the end of the tunnel ☺️

[OldRover]

Emma1a,

 

You'll be fine and you're heading in the right direction.

 

As for second chances, they DO work but have to be for the right reasons. One that is serious about the second chance usually makes it. Statistics favor success for someone remarrying their ex, however, they usually don't go back.

 

Your BF was not serious, back and forth with lame excuses. Don't think he really loved you and wasn't ready for any LTR. Don't worry about him, keep your current direction. You sound like a pretty sharp person and has learned and won't have any trouble finding the right person.

[Emma1a]

Emma1a,

 

You'll be fine and you're heading in the right direction.

 

As for second chances, they DO work but have to be for the right reasons. One that is serious about the second chance usually makes it. Statistics favor success for someone remarrying their ex, however, they usually don't go back.

 

Your BF was not serious, back and forth with lame excuses. Don't think he really loved you and wasn't ready for any LTR. Don't worry about him, keep your current direction. You sound like a pretty sharp person and has learned and won't have any trouble finding the right person.

 

Thanks for your kind words old rover!! It's hard getting back to the dating scene after being out of it for so long and I question guys motives when they sweet talk me and I'm not sure if I can ever 100% trust a guy. I hope I'm lucky enough to eventually find someone who truly loves me for who I am. As for the ex, you are right I don't think he ever loved me, he just needed me then because of his dark HS past and he didn't have any confidence. Over the years he's gained his confidence back.... Sometimes I feel sad because I wasted eight years of my life ugh

[idoltree]

This is a big generalization. Many reconciliations are successful, and many are not.

 

The ones that are successful usually have the following characteristics:

- The dumper is free to date around without guilt

-

NC

has been instituted by the dumpee and dumpee does not allow dumper to use dumpee for comfort/familiarity

- The dumpee uses the time of

NC

to heal and start self-improvement

- Significant time has passed (at least 6 months or

so

), allowing for self-growth for both parties

- The dumper returns, having gained evidence that the one they left is the one for them

- The dumpee is the one putting the brakes on in the reconciliation, and the dumper is doing everything to make the dumpee comfortable

- The dumper is open about his/her intentions. Maybe not at first (they are human and need to know that you're single and potentially interested), but if the dumpee is wondering then it's not a good sign

 

I don't think you had all of that in your situation. You reunited quickly, which points to reconciling for comfort and avoiding the fear of the unknown. His urge to explore never left him. In addition, you two had gotten together at young age and he needed some time to see what it was like out on the dating market. He never got that time to date other people.

 

I see this same phenomenon with those that are divorced or who got out of a really long term LTR. They can think the person they're dating is great, but the "what else is out there?" question, if it surfaces, usually needs to be explored. If it isn't explored, those doubts never go away and the person is never fully committed, because they always wonder if the grass is greener.

 

So in those conditions, I can understand how it came to be that he left to explore his other options for the second time. Stay strong this time and let him go. You should focus on yourself and eventually explore what other guys are out there; perhaps there is one that you like who won't doubt your value!

[Emma1a]

This is a big generalization. Many reconciliations are successful, and many are not.

 

The ones that are successful usually have the following characteristics:

- The dumper is free to date around without guilt

-

NC

has been instituted by the dumpee and dumpee does not allow dumper to use dumpee for comfort/familiarity

- The dumpee uses the time of

NC

to heal and start self-improvement

- Significant time has passed (at least 6 months or

so

), allowing for self-growth for both parties

- The dumper returns, having gained evidence that the one they left is the one for them

- The dumpee is the one putting the brakes on in the reconciliation, and the dumper is doing everything to make the dumpee comfortable

- The dumper is open about his/her intentions. Maybe not at first (they are human and need to know that you're single and potentially interested), but if the dumpee is wondering then it's not a good sign

 

I don't think you had all of that in your situation. You reunited quickly, which points to reconciling for comfort and avoiding the fear of the unknown. His urge to explore never left him. In addition, you two had gotten together at young age and he needed some time to see what it was like out on the dating market. He never got that time to date other people.

 

I see this same phenomenon with those that are divorced or who got out of a really long term LTR. They can think the person they're dating is great, but the "what else is out there?" question, if it surfaces, usually needs to be explored. If it isn't explored, those doubts never go away and the person is never fully committed, because they always wonder if the grass is greener.

 

So in those conditions, I can understand how it came to be that he left to explore his other options for the second time. Stay strong this time and let him go. You should focus on yourself and eventually explore what other guys are out there; perhaps there is one that you like who won't doubt your value!

 

Thanks for your analysis! This is it! You've summarized exactly why he did what he did! I know a girl who's been w her hs bf for 11 years now and still not engaged. My other friend saw the guy on tinder ... Guess there is a tendency for guys who want to explore but are scared at the same time. They do eventually act on it though if there are girls they like that are interested in them. Girls may have the urge to explore as well I think it depends on the person, i do know a girl who broke her engagement for this specific reason and now she's dating around. Guess it's just not meant to be. I'm 2.5 months nc now I think and I've been talking to many guys, I'm very interested in two of them. I'll see where life takes me. I believe everything happens for a reason ?

[Stage5Clinger]

Been there, done that. He'll miss you again someday. You should focus on being in a healthy committed relationship before that happens again.

[Emma1a]

Been there, done that. He'll miss you again someday. You should focus on being in a healthy committed relationship before that happens again.

 

Sometimes I have no doubt that he would reach out. When he ended things again one of his good friends told me that he genuinely cared about me and he kept saying 'what had got into him' and that 'he'll come to his senses'.

 

But as time passes by (last msg and meet up to return things was end of July), I don't think he'll ever talk to again. Not that I care anymore but still I'd like to have the chance to ignore his messages!

 

But anyways, he is in my past. Life goes on, I am actually in a great spot right now, got everything else going for me. I do not care what he wants anymore

 

Hope everyone on here can get on with their own lives sooner rather than later, life is too short!

[Stage5Clinger]

Hope everyone on here can get on with their own lives sooner rather than later, life is too short!

 

Life is way too short. Just think how many guys are out there who would love to date you. I'm one of them. There's just an awful barrier to meeting people these days. I guess it's because of the Internet and social media but who knows.

[lookin ahead]

I'm speaking from personal experience:

 

My situation:

 

- 8 years together since HS

 

 

What's your story?

 

my story is actually a long story i swear its a movie but in short:

 

-9 years together since HS

 

-on and on off relationship,

 

-he would always look for me every time sending me flowers etc. after he was been a jerk and treating me like crap breaking it off, he would show up at my job (parked his car next to mine when i would be getting off work), call me at work non-stop

 

-we would always somehow get back together

 

-we got married

 

-divorced 2 years later

 

now looking back there was so much time wasted and heart ache, we should never settle ever for just ok happiness or limited happiness, if we value someone so much why should we receive any less in return? I still love my exh dearly he is honestly the love of my life, but i would NEVER take him back.

Edited October 9, 2015 by lookin ahead

[playlislay]

Hey!

Bf and I met in August 2010. He was hard work; loved an argument, being in control, and he was very insecure (although he doesn't appear this way to the outside world). Always on and off, push and pull, but he loved me, I loved him, and we got on with our relationship. However, because of his pessimistic ways, he never felt satisfied, despite the fact that he'd chew peoples ears off over how lucky he was to have an amazing gf like me (obviously ).

 

We were rocky at the start of Feb 2012. He'd met someone else whilst he was with me; all of the signs were there. He left at the beginning of March. Classy. However, we remained in contact and kept meeting up. Yes, I know, it was a stupid move to make! Love is blind and what have you.

 

We got back together in the middle of April. Somehow, it really helped our relationship. We had another 2 happy years together, enjoying each others company and progressing with life. We were back stronger than ever!

 

We went travelling at the end of Dec 2014 until the end of March 2015. 90% of it was amazing! We really did have a spectacular adventure together. However, the 10% of the time that it was rubbish was when we argued, and boy did we go for it! Spending 24-7 with someone for 90 days, with no time apart whatsoever, well to say it was hard work is an understament! It took its toll and I left him 2 weeks after we got back. BIG mistake.

 

Within 6 weeks we were back together again as we didn't want to be without each other and had a happy 3 months of being us again. Then my mum got extremely sick in August, I went loopy with anxiety from the stress of it, ignored him for a few weeks as I'd gone crazy and then he'd vanished. We did try to reconcile as we do love each other (he apparently "wasn't going to lose me"), but he lost the fight again, kept putting downers on our reconciliation, I was still under some stress despite mum being much better than before and couldn't handle any negative crap, so I left on the 3rd of October.

 

The same night he meets a girl who is now his girlfriend. Within 6 weeks they were official and then he went on holiday with her and her parents! And I haven't spoken to him since!

 

So there you have it. A man goes from spending 5 years with me, saying how he never wants to lose me again, talking of getting our own place and starting a future, to getting with someone else and going on family holidays within the space of two months! What a joke! Oh, and did I mention that 3 weeks after he got with her, he was distraught over the fact that we just don't work, how much he loves me and just can't lose me? Urgh! This dude was once my best mate!

 

First reconciliation worked wonders for a few years, but there sure as hell won't be a second one!