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Effective way to respond to my ex's breadcrumbs


purpledooze

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Long story short, my ex reached out to me after not having heard from him for more than a month now. He was the one who broke up with me and even after reconnecting after the breakup, he blew me off and cancelled our plans to continue seeing each other by claiming he was too busy.

 

A colleague of ours lost his young daughter to dengue and seeing as how I had a similar experience (I lost my baby, which is also his), he reached out to me (names have been changed):

 

HIM: "Have you gone to Bob's kid's wake?"

 

ME: "No, but I heard about what happened. Why do you ask?"

 

HIM: "Nothing just asking since John (my manager) visited as well. Most of the other guys did. I'll be going too."

 

ME: "I'll pay my respects as soon as I complete all my pending projects this week."

 

HIM: "Ok was just wondering if you guys went."

 

ME: "If you're concerned about me telling the guys about your connection with the baby, I won't. We don't need the extra drama at work."

 

HIM: "Oh I wasn't concerned with that. Was just wondering how things were going since the guys know you've suffered the same loss."

 

--

 

That after a month of not speaking to me because he said he was too busy...

 

I know he's sending out breadcrumbs. I still want us to work things out but the initiative to reconcile has to come from him since he was the one who rejected me. At the same time, I want him to know that he hurt me, and that he can't just string me along.

 

So which of these messages should I use?

 

--

In response to: “was just wondering how things are going since the guys also know you've recently suffered the same loss” --

 

Look, Sean, I’ve already come to respect and trust your decision to throw in the towel, to close off all doors to reconciliation, cut contact, and to not be involved in each other’s lives. But I appreciate your curiosity about 'how things are going'. I’m alright. Best wishes.

--

 

OR

 

--

I’m alright. I appreciate your concern.

 

But listen. I’m going to stop this cycle of hoovering and ghosting before it begins. It’s unhealthy and a waste of time. It doesn’t build bridges. It corrodes connections.

 

Regardless, I do hope that someday we can be friends because in addition to all the love and resentment and hard times we went through, I think you’re a good person. I’ve come to respect and trust your decision to throw in the towel, to close off all doors to reconciliation and to not be involved in each other’s lives. It didn’t work for a whole lot of reasons. Your other ex-girlfriend. I have character flaws you can’t accept. We didn’t trust each other. Communication problems. Victim-saver dynamic. Boundary issues.

 

Right now, I’m still in the process of getting over you. I can’t afford to be derailed again because I need to focus on my job, my dreams and my future. Maybe in the future, we can get together for lunch and laugh about all this, but right now, I’m too busy nursing a broken heart. Please understand that any contact from you, sometimes even work-related, can be disruptive. Take care of yourself.

--

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Neither? I'd just go NC. Period. But yeah, absolutely not response two. This guy doesn't deserve your time much less a glance into your hopes and dreams and broken heart.

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There were no bread crumbs that I can see. And no stringing along on his part. You felt it was a breadcrumb because his contact meant a lot to you. You felt strung along but it is your own string, the string you are hanging onto.

If the contacts bother you, you can tell him you don't ever want to have anything to do with him again. But that would mean you have to stop hoping, and break up on your end.

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It's only been a month which is not nearly long enough for anyone to change and work on the many issues that you listed. It would be best to just stay silent. Unless he is sending you a text that is apologizing and asking for you back, you should remain silent.

 

If you absolutely must respond, just ask him to stop contacting you. Don't throw in any ego strokes and definitely leave out your hopes and dreams.

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I wouldn't communicate anything further.

 

You're still wanting reconciliation, and I understand the temptation to remind him you're still wanting it, but don't. You're giving yourself false hope and setting yourself back.

 

Anything less than "I miss you, I want you back, let's work this out" does not justify a response.

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There were no bread crumbs that I can see. And no stringing along on his part. You felt it was a breadcrumb because his contact meant a lot to you. You felt strung along but it is your own string, the string you are hanging onto.

If the contacts bother you, you can tell him you don't ever want to have anything to do with him again. But that would mean you have to stop hoping, and break up on your end.

 

You're probably right.

 

I was actually more pissed than excited though when he contacted me. I wanted to say, "What's it to you if I had gone or not?" Besides, there's only 3 people in our department: my manager, me and another dude. He could just have asked my manager if my department had gone. Then he told me he was planning to go to the wake himself. I'm like.. SO?

 

But noo.. Instead of calling him out, I had to act calm and civl. Lol.

 

His last response didn't make sense either. He just wanted to know how things are going since the guys know I lost a kid. How does the whole office knowing about my loss affect the way things are going?

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You guys are right. Have to commence operation incognito.

 

Technically, we've been broken up for about 4-5 months now. We broke up. Went into no-contact for roughly a month. Reconnected because he got sent to the hospital for something life-threatening. We talked again, flirted through text, hung out once. Things were going well until his other ex-girlfriend showed up at the place where we decided to meet. She started some drama with him and me. He pulled back, stopped replying to my messages (with whom he stayed friends). When I tried to follow up on some of our plans, he said he was suddenly too busy and there are things he needs to deal with alone, but that hanging out sometime in the future would be great.

 

So I stopped contacting him.

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Don't respond. He'll get the hint. Both responses reek of emotional desperation (sorry to say but I've been done, done that so I understand what you're going through) and seem to be a roundabout way of letting him know you're still open to reconciliation. Silence speaks volumes. Let him come to you (so to speak) if he wants to fix things.

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I hope you do stay away from him. From what you've written, it really seems like the best option for you. You deserve to move on and be happy.

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Don't respond. He'll get the hint. Both responses reek of emotional desperation (sorry to say but I've been done, done that so I understand what you're going through) and seem to be a roundabout way of letting him know you're still open to reconciliation. Silence speaks volumes. Let him come to you (so to speak) if he wants to fix things.

 

But isn't this his way of re-opening lines of communication? It is technically first contact. I can't really expect an ex to immediately say "I want you back. Let's work things out" right off the bat. We both wouldn't want to use the previous relationship as a "template"; we'd want to know things would be different this time, so fresh start. So our conversations have to start somewhere, then build emotional momentum and then we can both decide whether we want to get back together or not.

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I agree with the other posters. Don't respond to that and especially not with the suggestions in your original post. You said that you don't believe he would come out right and say that he wants you back...yet read over your possible messages to send him...the way you have them worded shows that you still care and would take him back. As the other posters have said if he wants you back he will do everything to make that happen. You need to let him approach the subject, not you. If you bring it up, you're making things easy for him. Be strong and wait until he contacts you with something more meaningful...if he doesn't then you will be in no contact and on the road to recovery.

Good luck x

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I agree with the other posters. Don't respond to that and especially not with the suggestions in your original post. You said that you don't believe he would come out right and say that he wants you back...yet read over your possible messages to send him...the way you have them worded shows that you still care and would take him back. As the other posters have said if he wants you back he will do everything to make that happen. You need to let him approach the subject, not you. If you bring it up, you're making things easy for him. Be strong and wait until he contacts you with something more meaningful...if he doesn't then you will be in no contact and on the road to recovery.

Good luck x

 

He wasn't a big fan of no contact even when I first broke up with him over because at first we were long distance. I've been reading about emotional maturity and especially about this blog: No Contact Rule to Get Back Your Ex Is a BAD Idea | [Ask Love Doctor Yangki Christine Akiteng]

 

I mean, we're not high school kids anymore and before having an affair, we were both good friends since high school (roughly 15 years of friendship). For now, I won't initiate contact but I will keep my lines of communication open but remain focused on me.

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You can find articles that support most, if not any, proposition on the internet. The point is not that one can't maintain contact with an ex but if your intentions of maintaining contact is for him to suddenly see you in a different light and want to reconcile, the chances of that happening are slim to none.

 

He is aware that you care about him and want him back. Even as a stranger reading some of the things you've written, I can read between the lines and come to that conclusion. Also an ex may not be as direct and say they want you back during the initial contact but they will definitely drop hints. The text he sent you doesn't strike me as someone who is looking to get you back but I may be wrong.

 

Some exes will maintain contact for as long as it suits them if you let them. That is no indication they want you back. My ex initiated contact me with me and we emailed nonstop for month. He told me he missed me, but was desperately trying to get career issues resolved. He told me he felt like he was protecting me from the roller coaster of his career issues (lol good for me!), reminisced about the relationship and apologized for times he felt like he was a bad B/F, etc. etc. He would send daily long emails and I would respond (this was all after we had met to discuss getting back together and we had both left off saying we would think about things and talk again). Anyways so the emails persisted until I realized one day it wasn't good enough for me. I needed more so I quit responding. 3 months NC and moving forward. He knows where to find me if he wants to but I am not holding my breath.

 

Everyone's story is different and you have a better view of what your relationship was like so do what is best for you, but don't put your life on hold for a guy who is not meeting your needs.

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In fairness, I pulled the whole "I can't bring you down with me while I'm still building my career" thing with him a few months before we broke up. I asked for a two-week break, time apart. I was really just starting to build my life all in an attempt to catch up with him. We can't be partners after all if we're in different phases of our lives. I asked for a two week break while I sort things out on my end, and my feelings. He didn't take this well and thought I was seeing other guys on the side. After two weeks, he didn't want us to talk even after I've figured out what to do, and he suddenly became unsupportive of my decision to keep the baby, even to the extent of accusing me of using the baby to lock him down.

 

Unlike my other ex, he's wanted to keep lines of communication open. My other ex (since we broke up amicably due to our relationship being long distance) doesn't send messages, makes his presence online known, etc. This ex in particular, feels like he's always testing the waters to see if I've gone no contact on him again by sending random messages. I feel like he's trying to keep our connection open.

 

I'm on the fence about this. On one hand, I want to grow into a mature person, so I need to learn how to keep my emotions in check. On the other hand, I feel I need to protect myself from getting hurt.

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I saw him get tagged in a surf trip on Facebook. He was with his other ex girlfriend and 2 other girls. So I'm thinking of sending this one last message:

 

"Please don't talk to me anymore. :( It really hurts when you do. You remind me of Drake. The thought of you getting me pregnant then leaving me to die sickens me. Because of that I'm always afraid of you sending me a message. It sets me off and when it does, the only way I can get things done is if I stay away from Skype, which is straining the way I communicate with the team. I see no reason for you to ask if I've gone to Gerald's kid's funeral or how things are going with the guys. I've already told you: I won't reveal anything to protect you and your relationship with Kay.

 

You've already made your choice. You left me. You chose Kay. You cut me off for a month after we reconnected. You broke your promise that no matter how tough things got, we'd always be there for each other. You gave up on me. You made it a point to show me your matching shoes at Rox. You allowed Kay to put all the blame on me for your breakup last year because you can afford to lose me. I never meant anything to you.

 

I've done everything you asked. I've denied everything. To our friends and classmates, I denied that you were Drake's father. It hurts having to hide again. It hurts to be forgotten and it hurts to be taken for granted. What more do you want from me? You don't even feel sorry for the things you did.

 

If you're staying in contact because of money:

 

- For Beijing's share, please take it out of the downpayment for the apartment. That's the only reason I'm living out the lease.

- For the rest, as soon as I've paid 50% of my hospital bills, or as soon as social security sends me my maternity benefits, I'll start paying you monthly via your checking account, whichever comes first.

- I've already written out the remaining cheques for the apartment and handed them to Catherine.

 

I see no reason for you to maintain contact. Please delete my LoL from your friends list. I've already given that account to Ian for his girlfriend to use. I'm keeping you as a friend on Facebook so that our friends/classmates think we're civil.

 

I'm really tired of crying. Please get out of my life."

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Don't send this, ever.

 

Repeated for truth.

 

Just block and go No Contact. Do not acknowledge anything he is doing or the hurt he is causing.

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My ex doesn't post much on FB, but when I found out there was a new guy after we split, I unfriended and blocked her the same night. Very hard for me to do, but unquestionably a necessary action.

 

Do the same. Don't put yourself into a spot where you'll get an update on his life.

 

If you MUST respond to a text, and I'd say only do this if he continues to text regularly, then make it succinct and free of emotion.

 

"It's best if we have no communication right now. Please don't contact me."

 

Just the sheer volume of your response gives away how emotionally invested you are in him. It's fine to FEEL that way, but don't SHOW him this.

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Take that letter to him, print it out, and then set it on fire and scatter the ashes to the wind. But don't send it to him, delete it and all correspondence you've had with him. Vanish from his life. Don't let him find you and don't let news of him find its way to you.

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My ex doesn't post much on FB, but when I found out there was a new guy after we split, I unfriended and blocked her the same night. Very hard for me to do, but unquestionably a necessary action.

 

Do the same. Don't put yourself into a spot where you'll get an update on his life.

 

If you MUST respond to a text, and I'd say only do this if he continues to text regularly, then make it succinct and free of emotion.

 

"It's best if we have no communication right now. Please don't contact me."

 

Just the sheer volume of your response gives away how emotionally invested you are in him. It's fine to FEEL that way, but don't SHOW him this.

 

 

But what if there's a part of me that wants him back. For now, I'm going on radio silence, and I really am trying to move on. And even if I stay away, I still think about him.

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But what if there's a part of me that wants him back. For now, I'm going on radio silence, and I really am trying to move on. And even if I stay away, I still think about him.

 

It's normal to think about them. I'm six months out, don't want a relationship with her, yet I still think about her and her children constantly. I just haven't fully adjusted to a life without them. It's OK.

 

As others will tell you, if someone really wants you back, they're going to make it known. Even if they start out indirect, they will eventually make it clear if they have to. But you'll drive yourself mad if you allow him to keep contacting you with chit-chat, because each and every text will have significant meaning to YOU, and will likely leave you fixated on what it meant for days at a time.

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Aaaagh. Just when I'm feeling fine. He reaches out again and asks how my work is going, and if I was able to self-motivate properly while I'm grieving. It's annoying because he does this AFTER WORK HOURS. I don't know whether to ignore him or answer him since this is about work.

 

I hate the cycle I have to go through whenever we talk. First, I feel all giddy and happy. Then a few days later I realize we're still broken up and I'm back to crying every morning. Then I feel fine.

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