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I finally found out the truth


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The ex has been treating me the way he has, because he's hooked on cocaine again. He left our child at his mother's on Friday and when out to use drugs. I talked to him this morning, and he's not denying he's addicted again. He refuses to take a drug test, and he's blaming me for everything. He said that I'm ruining his life, but I'm not forcing cocaine up his nose.

 

It explains all his actions, the way he's been treating me, and why he wouldn't take me anywhere. He's been leading a double life. What the hell do I do now? I can't take him away from our child. She loves him so much, but he's refusing rehab right now, and just hung up on me.

 

I've been so friggin stupid not to see this a long time ago.

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lost_in_chgo

It might be difficult, but taking your child away from him may be the best thing.

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Allow him to see his child but never to have sole responsibility for her while he is using cocaine. Her safety is your responsibility. He is refusing to accept his responsibility in this regard.

 

If something happened to her and he was found to be incapable of caring for her properly, she could be removed from his care and it may be some time before you could prove she was safe with you.

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He already lost his child for three months during our divorce. The court took here away, forced him into an outpatient rehab and then he had to see her for supervised visitation at a center for another two months. He stayed clean for a long time, but now he's using again, and obviously losing his child once didn't keep him off cocaine. He has said to be to me in the past and again this morning, that he could never go through that pain again and would rather be dead.

 

So already the roundabout suicide threats are starting. He is in major denial that he has a problem. I have given him the option of going into rehab himself and keeping the courts out of it, but he refuses to answer me or even to talk to me, except to call me names like c*nt and motherf*cker. Our child is only 2.5 years old, and will be destroyed if she couldn't see her father for an extended period of time.

 

I just don't want to do that. I know he doesn't use around her and would never do anything to hurt her. I feel like an evil villain bringing the courts into this again, because I do still care about him a lot. Would I be an irresponsible mother if I did nothing? What if he's only using once or twice a week when he's not with her. He holds a job, and works every day, and is functioning, so he's not a street addict. I know my ultimate responsibilty is to my child and I have to protect her, but I don't know the extent of his use and he's not being honest with me. Not to mention that addicts are liars.

 

This is so hard. My daughter gets hurt either way.

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Once addicted, you can never control your behavior when using. He may not be using around her, but he has already shown that the drugs are more important by dropping his daughter off at his mothers house so he could use.

 

I know you are worried about your daughter getting hurt. But I really think you have no choice other than to get him into rehab (via courts or whatever). Everyone in life has to pay to play. And if losing his daughter for a bit so he can better, well that was his choice when he started doing the drugs.

 

Good luck to you, I really hope it works out for the best.

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Our child is only 2.5 years old, and will be destroyed if she couldn't see her father for an extended period of time.

I don't agree. This happens to kids all the time and doesn't "destroy" them. And a 3 year old kid is about as resilient as kids can be.

 

If it fouls up your relationship with him, then is he really good for her? What about as it adds up in your relationship and she gets to be old enough to actually understand what's going on? Is she the best judge of what's right for her? No. She'd probably also choose a diet of candy and dirty gum off the sidewalk, if you let her. Parents have to be brave enough to make their kids suffer sometimes, when it counts.

 

I wouldn't conclude he's a bad person, because of this. But I would question his judgment and reliability. Good judgment and reliability are the minimum requirements for a father to stick around, if you ask me. Either he does the right thing, or he has to move on.

 

I suggest you get some kind of documentation that you can use for proof of what he's up to, in case a custody situation should come up.

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---Our child is only 2.5 years old, and will be destroyed if she couldn't see her father for an extended period of time. ---

 

I've been where you are personally, the child was older and had lived 50% of the time with her father up to that point. Believe me, the child will be destroyed if you let this man raise her. My child is now 16, lived with me solely the last 3 years. My greatest regret and what I will bear guilt for for the rest of my life is that I did all the rationalization you are doing and was in denial that the drugs were more important than his child for way too long. I was handed back a kid of 13 that was addicted to booze and drugs, used to staying out all night, didn't go to school, was self-mutilating, etc. FINALLY the court ordered supervised visitation, then withdrew that also. In the year he didn't see her, she turned her life around - WE turned her life around.

 

Your loyalty is to your child - not your ex - your child. You already know what the right thing to do is - protect your child - if this man was some other person you wouldn't let him near your child. DNA does not a daddy make.

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johan is right on. Your child WILL survive a separation from her father. She will be sad, and cry for him, but unfortunately, that is the way it must be. In fact, better for her to have this loss, rather than endure his druggy behavior and hear her mother called those horrible insults. A kid her age may very well start parroting his words, and I don't want to hear "m*therf***er" coming out of HER mouth.

 

Lonestar...the reasons why you can't let your CHILD be separated from her father...do they in fact relate to YOUR own attachment to him? It needs to be broken, NOW. Don't make me come up there... :mad:

 

...he's blaming me for everything...He said that I'm ruining his life...

His words are not even worth the carbon dioxide he exhales with them, or the coke snot running down his chin. DO NOT LISTEN to him any more. Ever. If he needs to communicate with you about the child, then a 3rd party (his mom?) can be the intermediary.

 

You gonna let your kid's life be ruined by his druggy, suicidal, hate-filled ways?

 

WHY?

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Originally posted by Lonestar

The ex has been treating me the way he has, because he's hooked on cocaine again. He left our child at his mother's on Friday and when out to use drugs. I talked to him this morning, and he's not denying he's addicted again. He refuses to take a drug test, and he's blaming me for everything. He said that I'm ruining his life, but I'm not forcing cocaine up his nose.

 

It explains all his actions, the way he's been treating me, and why he wouldn't take me anywhere. He's been leading a double life. What the hell do I do now? I can't take him away from our child. She loves him so much, but he's refusing rehab right now, and just hung up on me.

 

I've been so friggin stupid not to see this a long time ago.

 

 

Only God,and he must love and help himself first...

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Your posts are starting to piss me off. ANYONE with an iota of sense would have cut this assh*le out of their lives the minute he endangered their child. You are being wishy washy, and playing the victim. So what if he dangled a reconciliation in front of you-he's an addict, and a verbally abusive, crazy one at that.

 

What the hell is wrong with you? You do NOT have to contact him. Your daughter does NOT need contact with this man. What she needs is a stable, loving father and it's better for her to perhaps have ONE parent for a while instead of a stable loving mother and a coked out jerk.

 

What's it going to take? Him taking her with him to use and her being abducted or molested or worse? Will that prompt you to do the best thing for your daughter?

 

You're hiding behind the fact SHE loves her father to allow you to continue with your fantasy of him magically becoming the person you want him to be. Ain't gonna happen. He does NOT care about anyone or anything. I don't think he's capable of valid emotions right now.

 

Get him away from the both of you. Better to reintroduce him to her if he can conquer his problems later than to let him f*ck her up now.

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wow, i don't think i would have quite said it the same way as spock but she/he's got a valid point. sounds like you don't want to hurt yourself by not seeing him. your child can't benefit from having an addicted parent around. i think in your heart you know this.

 

you are addicted to an addict. al anon or something for narcotics would help you because you have a problem as well.

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"Daddy's sick" works most of the time for kids. That should do. Drugs destroy lives. All persons involed. Pack his stuff and kick him out unless he goes to rehab.

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I have NOT seen him for more than 10 days when I broke up with him. Any contact has been via telephone, and we are not together anymore since the night before New Year's Eve. I will protect my child.

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Originally posted by Lonestar

I have NOT seen him for more than 10 days when I broke up with him. Any contact has been via telephone, and we are not together anymore since the night before New Year's Eve.

 

My concern is about my child not seeing him at ALL for a period of time. I don't think that's right. I'd prefer something supervised rather than nothing. I AM thinking of my child, so I don't appreciate the comments that I would put my child in danger for a man. I didn't do it before and I wouldn't do it now.

 

Mr. Spock, you just totally pissed ME off with. This is very hard for me trying to figure out what to do, and I know I have to do something, but I wanted to make sure I was not overreacting, and seeing the responses I'm getting, I'm not. So I put out the question about what if I did nothing. I wanted to find a middle ground in my head and from people here. I cut him out of my life BEFORE I found this out.

 

I can't even begin to tell you how the courts ignored me the first time around and how I had to fight to prove the truth, so I could get him clean. When a woman accuses a man of anything in custody situations, the courts immediately think that the woman is attempting to alienate the child from the father. I've been there. It's not up for ME to decide. If I do, I can be held in contempt and thrown in jail. A woman can't just walk into court and say "Daddy's a drug addict, take the child away" and voila. It has to be proven.

 

I do not live with this man, my child did not see us interact, and I don't approve of drugs. I thought he was clean.

 

So I was stupid... shoot me.

 

Bullpoop. You're stupid because you're allowing your own, unresolved feelings for him to cloud your judgement as to the RIGHT thing to do.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=54645

 

FINE that you have feelings. Makes it harder, but the choice is no less clear. "I don't want her to go for a period of time without seeing him" translates into "I don't want to go for a period of time without contact with him"

 

In a way, you're using your own daughter. This situation is going to hamper you, and your child until you get away from him and heal. He has a mother to help him. His addiction is stronger than his love for you, and it's stronger than his love for his daughter. You cannot compete.

 

There are some hurts that are easier to recover from than others. Don't give your daughter that big an obstacle to overcome this early in life.

 

 

 

PS

 

 

"Lonestar, you were rejected horribly by your father who gave you mixed messages about yourself for a lifetime. Now this man is doing the same thing and you're caught up trying to get Daddy's approval once again. You're never going to get Daddy's approval through him or anyone else. You must let go."

 

 

How bout in 25 years your daughter is saying "Daddy was a f*cked up loser cokehead who tortured my mother and me with his unstable, abusive ways?" As long as he's using he's not trustworthy-and you want SUPERVISED visits? I'm sure that wouldn't be wierd for her either. Me, my daddy and some caseworker.

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You're right. I've been being a complete idiot. That's why I tried to delete most of my post. I'll do the right thing, but all I can say is it's not easy. Thanks all for the advice. :(

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I just hope that you can begin to use your daughter as an excuse to keep the hell away from him, rather than keep in contact with him. Free your mind....

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