Jump to content

Not too sure what to think


Recommended Posts

Ok. I am new and I don't really know where to turn. Back story.... I dated this girl for 2 years. We have a 6 month old daughter together, which was clearly unplanned. In our relationship I was absolutely crazy about this girl. I was completely positive that she is the one. This isn't my first long term relationship but this one was different.... But we all have our flaws. Mine is that I am terrible about communicating my feelings. Communication about the hard things and I tend to shut down and bottle everything up. I did this. Our relationship got pretty rocky. We weren't spending time together, have a new baby, and I work 7 days a week. It was tough... But I told myself this is a phase and we will get through it. I knew I wasn't leaving... Until a little over a month ago she sends me a text while I'm out taking care of our horses that says I need to talk. I walk inside and she says I'm done. I completely broke down. Like emotionally crashed. I did everything wrong. I cried, I begged, and after I left I text her nonstop. About a week later I find out that she is already talking to a new guy that she works with and it KILLS me.... But I tried playing it off cool. Didn't really succeed but I tried. That lasted a couple weeks and them "talking" ended. During this time I meet this girl at a horse show. We hit it off pretty quick. She is pretty, fun, and thinks that I'm just like the greatest thing ever. It's cool... And it feels good having somebody around that wants my company and appreciates me. My ex also starts talking to another guy. It seems pretty casual but they talk a lot... Things with the new girl start moving fast....too fast. As much as I like her it hit me one day. I asked myself what the f... Are you doing? I know what I want and I know where I want to be. I want to be with my family... I ended things with the new girl...My ex and I start having these really great conversations about nothing. It is fun and its like nothing is even wrong when we around each other. We talk everyday whether it's just about our daughter, or horses or whatever.... But she still says she is done and doesn't regret leaving. She says the feelings aren't there anymore... But there is no way. We get along too well. I haven't pushed her for anything inappropriate but every time we've seen each other since the split we always give each other a hug and I kiss her on the cheek... Every single time... What is confusing me is what she says of bring done etc isnt what I see. We are good together. To me if she really was done our friendship would become only about our daughter.... Not talking about anything and everything.... Not hugging each other. What am I supposed to do. How do I keep fighting for my family but keep the forward progress moving so that I don't get stuck in just being a friend she can talk to?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Update:

 

Today has been different. We haven't talked like we had been. I went over there after work to spend a few hours with my daughter. I asked her if we could talk for a little while. She said yes. I told her that I think maybe I am over analyzing her and I. I said that I'm thinking that she just wants a friendship and ai am trying to be too optimistic. She agreed. She told me that all she wants is a friendship with me. She said when she gets to the point of saying she is done that she means it. I told her that I too want a friendship for the sake of our daughter, but right now I can't do it. I have too many feelings for her. I told her that it's not easy for me. She has the benefit of being with our daughter everyday. I sit in a house by myself and think about how bad I want my family. I said I constantly think about where I went wrong. I admitted to my faults. I started to cry. First time that I have in about a month. When I did I saw the hurt in her eyes. I pulled myself together and told her that I am sorry. This is just hard. I told her that I love her and I hope her mind changes. I told her about how I am trying to be strong, and I am trying to self improve.... This talk alone was huge for me, because I came out with my emotions and feelings. I communicated with her. She even said how it is not what she is used to with me. She then said that this is exactly why I'm not ready to move on with somebody else. She claims that it doesn't bother her if I were to try to though.

 

I think that maybe I need to go as no contact as possible. We have to talk due to having the baby, but I want to keep it at that. I deactivated my Facebook. Right now I feel like there is no chance I can come back into her life the way I want to be. I am hurting really bad right now. I just want my family together.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Further Update:

 

After work today I went over to see the baby for a couple of hours. I did not talk to her at all today. When I got there she asked how my day was and I replied with fine. Then, she asked if I had talked to the girl I was talking to but ended a few days ago.. I replied with "not very much." I then was just paying attention to the baby and playing with her. My ex says " why are you completely blowing me off and being a jerk." I said " I'm not intending to be a jerk, but I just can't be your friend right now. I have to take care of my feelings first." That was about the extent of talking. She was pissed the whole time and ai just focused on our daughter. Still confused.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

hey dude, im basically in the exact same position as you currently. me and my ex of 3.5 yrs have a son. basically she says that its really not about another guy and its just about her needing time which is obviously complete bull****.

 

these type of girls want there cake and eat it too. that why she was so mad when you blew her off. becuase she still wants to own you but at the same time have the ability to **** other men.

 

age probably has alot to do with this...is she mid 20's?

 

anyway dude if we have any chance of getting out familys back i beleive the no contact approach is the only thing that could work. no sob stories, no begging, no trying to convince. they already know how much we love them, no need to chase them more. go 180 and dont let up until she becomes remorseful. if she doesn't then you dont want her anyway. sorry bro , i know how bad this is, im living it right now aswell.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

So after I posted last night... She sent me a text about 9 PM last night. It said "I just wanted to apologize for the way I acted today. With the way you and I have gotten along so well it really threw me off today and hurt my feelings when you were blowing me off like I was literally the last person you wanted to talk to today. I know it's no excuse for my poor behavior and I'm sorry." That text alone threw me off. I didn't expect it, and I haven't been texting her. Typically, I would respond saying something along the lines of sorry to make her feel that way... I didn't though. I responded back with "It's fine. Don't worry about it. I'm not mad or upset at you." I didn't acknowledge how she said I made her feel... Only her apology. That's was all of the conversation. I'll be back over there tonight so we will see how that goes. I'm sticking to my guns on backing off and only talking as little as possible. I will be nice and answer her questions.... But nothing about what is going on with me.

 

Also, thanks for the reply. They sound a lot alike. my ex also says that is not about another guy. She will be 29 next month. She went through her party stage already so I'm not sure why this has all started like this.... I'm acting now like I'm good without her... But at the end of the day I just want my family together. That is the goal and that is the plan.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not trying to be critical, but here are a couple of things to think about:

 

 

1. Working 7 days a week is not conducive to a happy family life. It means that you are unavailable much of the time.

 

2. Lack of communication about feelings is also not conducive to a happy family life. It means that you are emotionally unavailable.

 

 

Whether you get back together or not, you'd be better off if you solve those two issues.

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Both of which are good points. Both of which I am facing head on. I've been doing some reading on self help things such as communication. One of the steps I have started is writing. Kinda like a journal. Everyday I write in a notebook in the form of a letter. I talk about my day. I talk about my feelings. Sometimes it is nothing important. Sometimes it is. It takes 7 days to create a habit. It is just a start.

 

As far as the job goes... Since the break up I have got it to where I have every other weekend off. It is just a small start. My job is demanding and stressful (production supervisor). I know that took a toll on our relationship. I am currently talking with a trucking company who needs a truck dispatcher. 5 days a week from 8-4. Also could work from home when needed.

 

I don't want our old relationship back. I don't want this to happen again. I am working on taking necessary steps to building a healthy and fulfilling relationship should she decide to work on things with me.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Both of which are good points. Both of which I am facing head on. I've been doing some reading on self help things such as communication. One of the steps I have started is writing. Kinda like a journal. Everyday I write in a notebook in the form of a letter. I talk about my day. I talk about my feelings. Sometimes it is nothing important. Sometimes it is. It takes 7 days to create a habit. It is just a start.

 

As far as the job goes... Since the break up I have got it to where I have every other weekend off. It is just a small start. My job is demanding and stressful (production supervisor). I know that took a toll on our relationship. I am currently talking with a trucking company who needs a truck dispatcher. 5 days a week from 8-4. Also could work from home when needed.

 

I don't want our old relationship back. I don't want this to happen again. I am working on taking necessary steps to building a healthy and fulfilling relationship should she decide to work on things with me.

 

I commend you on what you are doing. Taking those steps is very positive.

 

Keeping a journal is a great idea.

 

Your thinking is on target.

 

You're being realistic and finding solutions.

 

You will make progress.

 

 

Take care.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I just wanted to pipe up and bring somthing to your attention which applies to my situation and most likly yours and most men when women dump us.

 

Ok look, a woman will never and I repeat NEVER break up with a guy she is romantically interested in unless he is a complete douch bag which obviously you are not.

 

She has lost attraction for you which could be caused by many factors of which you will need to figure out.

 

I suggest you youtube coach corey wayne and read his book 10-15 times to truly understand how womens minds work. They are not logical like us! Very emotional creatures that need to be opened up.

 

I have kind of started thinking that although i really want my family back just like you - she might not be the one for me as hard as tgat is to say. You might want to think about what's REALLY in your heart.

 

Stay in touch and report back after you check out corey Waynes stuff

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I have not watched those videos but I also agree on this. I think that when my work went to 7 days a week I went from a guy full of life and always going to a guy who let work and stress control me. I quit doing the things that I loved and everything became a routine.

 

This is also something I realized and began working on. I have been going to horse shows again, barrel racing more, I went sky diving last Friday. I am finding myself again. I am not big by any means, but I dropped 20 pounds and look a lot better. She has commented on that a few times.

 

A lot of people tell me that I need to think about if she is what I really want. The answer is yes. I understand where she is coming from. I think it sucks.... But I understand.

 

I went over there tonight to see the baby and she brought up the friends thing again. In our relationship we were best friends. Once again, I told her that I can't do it right now. I can't give that part of me, but not all of it. She just keeps saying she doesn't understand... I failed today on not talking more than our daughter. Once again I began opening up and enjoying time with her... Tomorrow is a new day though.

Link to post
Share on other sites

she wants you to be her friend and be there for her so she has less guilt. i don't want to bring up bad emotions or provoke negative thoughts but you should consider the possibility of another guy in the picture. woman do this **** all the time, they wait until they have zero attraction left for you then when a good replacement comes along they dump the guy and jump ships quickly. mine was on a date 2 days later and i was naive enough to believe her that they were just friends. shes trying to keep me on the back burner as a potential if it doesn't work out with the new guy. you know angry i get? i cant believe the mother of my child would do this **** but this is reality man and the sooner you can come to terms with whats going on and protect yourself emotionally the better.

 

not to say that this IS whats happening in your situation but this is very common, watch for the sings and at this point don't pursue her or open your emotional side to her, this will only give her power and make her confirm to herself that she made the right decision.

 

your GF along with my GF made emotional based decisions on there present feelings. this doesn't mean the decisions they made were right and it will take time for the dust to settle, the problem is that by the time they figure **** out our trust has been shattered and we may be hurt beyond wanting to go back. tread wisely my friend and don't make any sudden movements. study coreys stuff and play it cool for now, get prepared and do your homework.

 

also think about custody papers, there's a good chance you guys could be over, hopefully not but just saying that's a possibility..... the first thing i did was get 50/50 custody papers. you should consider the same thing, maybe stay good terms with her until she signs them. you want rights to your daughter, people change, anythings possible.

 

praying things work out for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

DKeith...

 

You NEED TO STOP TALKING TO HER ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP.

 

Do you notice what happened when you came over and stopped begging and pleading and acted nice??? She went crazy and called you a jerk for blowing her off! LOL! Perfect! Now just do this all the time!

 

When she texts you, reply and be friendly and casual. Do not ask her about the relationship. If she asks you if you're dating anyone, be vague and mysterious. Do not fight with her. Bring up funny and interesting things and blow her off half the time. Be nice, but not too nice!

 

She probably just got bored and needed some attention from a new guy. You are a family, she will realize that. Just calm down and let her have her little fling. Go have one with your horse show girl. You deserve some love and attention.

 

And who knows? Maybe your ex isn't the one for you. Maybe it's horse show girl. Maybe it's someone else. But please just stop acting like you care and everything will fall into place.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Also, next time she asks you about being friends, just kind of shrug and say "Sure, why not?" And then don't initiate contact. It will drive HER NUTS!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

So I haven't updated in a few days. Got on here and saw a few people had commented...

 

Here is where we are currently.

 

So, I said that I had failed at the whole not bring friends thing. The next morning she started texting me about being friends again. She told me we are best friends. I agreed, but stuck with i can't give some but not all of me. She said that she didn't want to lose our friendship, but it is easier because she doesn't have to think about her old feelings for me. I just said OK. Then she said that she is confident we are done for good. Once again, I just said OK. We didn't text the rest of the day or yesterday. Today we had a short conversation about when it works to see the baby this weekend. I told her I couldn't do it tonight, but i never told her why. She gave me a day and time. I texted back with, "that will work. Have a good weekend. Thanks." That has been it. I am sticking on as little contact as possible... Yet as much mystery as i can make. Obviously, this is the point that I am throwing my hands up and walking away. I hate it, but I don't feel like I have another choice.

 

Horse show girl:

 

I have been talking and hanging out with her some. I was honest that my feelings are all f****d. I told her that a relationship is the last thing I'm worried about right now, but if she wanted to hang out, be friends, not force anything, but if something happens in time we will move forward then... She agreed. She once again told me how great she thinks I am. She said that guys like me don't hardly exist anymore, and she isn't willing to walk away from it. We have great chemistry. So for now that is fun, keeps my mind off of things, and really you never know.

 

Today, I was thinking about the whole situation. I was thinking, "Why do I want the girl that doesn't want me, yet I push away the one that does?"... Decided I need to keep focus on no contact, but try to switch the cards to where she feels she can't get me.... Mostly through no contact.

 

I am now at a point that is just time related. That is the only way to tell what will happen.... I still miss her and love her more than anything.

Link to post
Share on other sites

its hard man, its one of the worst feelings ever, especially with a kid involved. im a mess myself tonight, missing both my son and his mother, wish we could all be cuddled up in bed like before.

 

anyway, you really gotta stick to no contact except for child related stuff and at the same time keep dating and get happy without her. she will notice that you are going to be ok without her and you will be happy without her. this will draw her back in especially if she thinks your dating other women too.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...