things could be great?

[ben derisgrate]

Let's start with the bottom line of what she tells me. She only wants me. She wants to live the rest of her life with me, she feels that we are really good for each other because we can communicate so well. Alright. If I am to live in the moment, trust what she says, then what happened while we were broken up doesn't matter, right?

 

I was a huge alcoholic during the three years we were together. I didn't contribute well to the relationship. We broke up, and I went to central america, got sober and came back a stronger person. We're back together.

 

In my code of morals, I am an open guy. I had sex and dated another person while gone, sometimes feeling serious about it, but always knowing it wasn't long term. She also had sex with other people while I was gone, and says that each time she did, it was a reminder that she just wanted to be with me. Two of them were our mutual friends. I am not a bro kind of guy. I don't think that what they did was inherently wrong. In fact, I left the country saying I'd be gone for at least a year. I didn't talk to any of my friends while I was gone. So I can't expect people to hold me in mind at all times thinkin ' oh, will he be okay with this?' They shouldn't have to limit their actions and deny themselves experiences at the thought that I might come back one day and it would hurt me.

 

The one I have an issue with is not my friend. She had sex with three people, I had sex with three people, all should be fine, we are in love, and so on. However, the first guy she slept with who I don't know, is an old boyfriend. She swears to everything that he is no threat. That he was comfortable because he was her first long term relationship, they've known each other for a long time, and it was basically just a safe set up. The problem I'm having is that I don't know if I can trust that. If I go on everything she says, then all is good. We broke up for ****ty reasons, had some learning experiences during the break up, and despite all the statistics of people not getting back together, are still in love, and now that alcohol's not an issue, I am an excellent partner. But the fact remains that there's this one dude that she keeps going back to during break ups. If I had a booty call like that, I'd understand in myself that it means nothing to the relationship now, that I am truly in love with her, and the present is all that matters. But this dude.. he seems like a threat. I really want to live in the present, treat the past as the past and be present with my relationship now. I go to counseling, we have very open communication about all of it, but I don't want to keep dwelling on it. There are a lot of people on these forums that say things like 'damaged goods' and 'sloppy seconds.' This isn't what I'm looking for. I'm looking for help from people with open minds who realize human sexuality is a wide range of experiences and that we are not teenagers.

 

So, try to just trust her and keep cool? What else can I do really? And of course, the imagery of her sleeping with other guys, it haunts me, and can trigger me when we're intimate with thoughts like, 'she did this with him and him and him.' I want to treat it like a new relationship, because that's kind of what it is, but I'm having trouble. Any ideas?

[ben derisgrate]

I forgot to mention, we were broken up for six months while all this happened. We weren't talking, had no agreements about getting back together. For all she knew, we were broken up for good. And again, I had sex with other girls, I got emotionally involved with another woman. Should I not try my best to leave the past in the past and go forward positively? All I can do is trust what she says...... right?