amhs Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 This is going to be long-ish so bear with me here. This is what I wrote the night she dumped me (two weeks ago): Girlfriend and I started dating two weeks before summer. She left for home (3 hours away) and I stayed here for a summer class. We visited each other a couple of times and everything seemed fine until she got distant a couple weeks ago. Last night she told me she wanted to break up because she felt guilty. Guilty about not being able to invest or put effort into the relationship because she was going through issues at home and had a close family member go suicidal. She said she didnt want to give 50% to me and 50% to her cousin, and she was wracked with guilt about not being as invested as i was. She felt like the long distance was too much and she wasn't ready for it with me since we hadn't dated long enough before to establish a foundation. This would be totally fine, and id be able to move on happily, but she kept asking me if I would be interested in dating when she comes back to school in the fall (2 months). She thinks we are great together and very compatible in person, but she feels like shes not even in a relationship because our relationship is just texting and that she doesnt put in any effort. This is the source of confusion... she says things like "I honestly hope we make it work in the fall" and "I want to be able to approach you romantically" all while telling me to move on completely because morally, she knows its unfair to expect me to wait for her. She is also adamant about meeting me in person when she grabs her things from my place because she wants to see me and even said she would want to kiss me. Is this a huge load of BS? Im blinded by my feelings, but I honestly believe her when she says how compatible we are and how she really hopes we can revisit our relationship in two months (when we're back at school) as long as we're both still interested, single, and shes ready for a relationship. She got upset and would say "I know you dont have faith in me, but i really like you alot and will want to be with you in the fall", but then the next sentence will say "I want you to move away from me completely, date other girls, etc" (She said a few times that she hopes that the girls I might date wont be as good as her so I will still want to give it a shot in the fall). Why does she: break up with me, keep telling me to move on and get over her, yet constantly give me hope by talking about next fall quarter, and how she really wants us to give it a shot when she's not long distance, her family issues get better, and she can dedicate herself to the relationship. tl;dr: Girlfriend broke up with me because she's having family issues/couldnt do long distance. She wants to give it another shot in two months. This is a quick update: I decided a few days ago that I should bite the bullet and move on. I texted her something along these lines: "Hey ex, i've given this a lot of thought and ive come to realize that youre looking for friendship with me and not a committed relationship. That isn't what i'm looking for. I've accepted it, and will make sure your stuff gets back to you" She called me within minutes telling me how wrong I was to assume that, and how she likes me and wants to be with me but cant deal with distance/family issues and a relationship. She told me again that she doesnt want to hold me back or make me wait but that she hopes im not in a successful relationship when she is ready again. Also, I told her I want to take her to coffee when we're both in town (in two weeks) and she said "that makes me happy. I'll let you know when im in town". I really like this girl and would like to keep an open mind. I just dont want to be stuck in this limbo. We're pretty much on NC, so the coffee date will be a good time to talk.. I know the gut instinct is that she's just messing with me, but I dont think that is true. Why else would she call and fight me on that text I sent? Anyone have similar experiences? tl;dr: Ex wants to be with me but doesnt want me to sit and wait for her while she sorts out family problems. She doesnt want me to move on completely in hopes that we can be together next year when distance/family isnt an issue. Help? Link to post Share on other sites
Gener Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 Yikes. Lots of drama going on here. I dunno, sounds like a no win situation. I have been there before and it never worked out for me. Gotta do what you feel is right for you. If you really like her and it's only 2 months away, maybe give it some time. But I'd say you guys need to talk every day on the phone. At the very least text messages. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 But I'd say you guys need to talk every day on the phone. At the very least text messages. Uhhhh, no. This is not a good idea at all. Way too f--king clingy for a relationship (or quasi-relationship) of that nature. All this does is keep you in limbo, which is the last place this guy wants and needs to be. Not to mention this is very friendzoney behavior. Honestly, my advice is to just accept the breakup and move forward. Hang out with friends on campus or wherever you are and just be young and single. When she moves back, then it's up to her to come after you and prove to you that the whole "I want to try again in the fall" thing isn't BS. Quite frankly, it's very selfish what she's doing -- telling you to "move on" while feeding you garbage about wanting to try later. If she really valued a relationship with you, she wouldn't break up in the first place. I realize she has other stuff to attend to (which is sounds like you're sympathetic toward) but the fact that she isn't even willing to do something sporadic and long-distance for a few months doesn't bode well. In general, I wouldn't tell her again that we "can't be friends." I would just not be friends for now and do what you need to do to "move on". When the fall comes, it's up to her to go above and beyond to get YOU back. So just accept the breakup, hang out with whoever is close to you there, and re-evaluate come fall. But once fall comes, it's up to her to get you back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 I'll bet she is dating another guy. Link to post Share on other sites
pidgeon1010 Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 (edited) This is a little suspect to me. So she is overwhelmed by family issues but feels certain that in 2 months she will want to give you two a go again? Something just doesn't seem right. If she doesn't think you two have the foundation for a two month LDR, you should not put your life on hold for her. Seems selfish that she would even mention the possibility of reconciliation when she gets back on campus (how convenient). Why breakup with someone for two months? She is probably seeing someone else and wants to see how that goes. I would move on and then when school resumes, if you are still available, she can work on getting you back since she ended it. Edited August 5, 2015 by pidgeon1010 3 Link to post Share on other sites
theredpill Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 She's just BS'ing you, leave her alone she what she does, go dating yourself - it's more than likely she's met someone and it's a toss up between him and you, don't get jealous, let her do her thing - first man to show jealousy loses. Texting or talking everyday is a terrible idea (no offence) at this point - please don't do this unless you want to lose her forever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 She's trying another guy on for size for the rest of the summer and then he is going to be farther away in the fall and that is why she wants to keep you in reserve for when you two are back at school. Don't fall for this. Cut the cord and go on about your business. Date other girls. NEVER wait for someone while they try to decide what they want or what they should do and never ever absolutely never wait for someone while they are seeing someone else!!!!! EVER! Got that! The only time to ever wait for someone is if the relationship is sold and both of you are looking towards the future and one of you is temporarily going somewhere and will be back at a specified day and both parties agree to pick up the relationship after the temporary departure. Also part of that arrangement will need to be a mutual agreement if both parties will date others or remain exclusive. Anything other than that, never wait and never sit on the shelf in reserve for anyone. Ever. They are either in a relationship with you or they are not. Never accept anything less than your objective. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
theredpill Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 ^^^^ Couldn't have said it better myself Link to post Share on other sites
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