Should I fight to get my ex back?

[SephirothX]

Firstly I want to say that I am a gay guy to avoid any confusion. I am going through a difficult breakup with a partner whom I dated for almost two years and we broke up near the end of June. We did everything together and were also our best friends - we had a ridiculous amount of shared interests and hobbies. But he left me because he didn't feel the way he used to - because I made mistakes in the relationship. I didn't do anything as bad as cheating, I just didn't put my all into it. Not being passionate enough, not caring enough about how he feels, complaining over little things etc. I made him feel like he'd be better off trying again with someone new.

 

And that's what he did. He was on dating websites immediately speaking to as many people as possible, trying to get them to meet him and leading me on at the same time making me think I'd get him back. But then he met a guy from one website who seemed decent and they had a good first date. That's when he stopped leading me on. 10 days later (third date) they entered a relationship right before his new guy goes to Canada for three weeks. This was last Saturday.

 

Part of me feels it's a rebound relationship. You can't know someone will be a good partner after 3 dates and it was the other guy who posed the getting together question. My ex felt he couldn't say no. The new guy is a total newbie at relationships, experiencing it all for the first time even though he's 25, so he fell for my ex pretty quickly. Likewise my ex is terrified of being single (by his own admission) and knows he had to try his best. He's enjoying the attention he's getting from this guy.

 

I've done everything I shouldn't. I've begged, pleaded, pined, argued, became jealous and refuse to do anything fun with him. That's not attractive and he doesn't want to come back to me when I'm like that, I can't blame him really.

 

I've also done things that I should. Immediately after the breakup I sent him a lengthy e-mail which was a postmortem on our relationship - I accepted everything I've done wrong and told him it would be different next time. I sent him another a few days ago outlining what I offer if he takes me back - something far better than I gave him last time I was with him and he did like what I had to say but told me words aren't going to get him to come back.

 

He wants me to fight for him. He wants me to prove the things I talked about in my e-mail. See him as a friend and get back our good times. The problem I have with that is the things that need proving are the things I can't do while he's with someone else. The things I can do with him as friends are things I was getting right anyway. But things we've lost because I've been miserable almost every time I have agreed to see him since the breakup.

 

The night before he entered his new relationship I spent time with him - we played snooker and then sat in my car chatting for hours. He told me a large part of him wants to take me back because he'll miss all our good times and worries the guy he's seeing won't be able to provide that. The guy he's seeing appears to have little in common with him. For me I don't feel that's healthy in a longterm relationship. Once the initial spark is over what's left? Right now it's summer, they can spend time outdoors but in a few months they're going to need fun things to do together that they both enjoy. He knows I'd be more exciting for him and provide more fun, he even tells me that, but that's not enough.

 

I did think trying no contact and making him miss all that might be a strategy to get him back but the general thinking online seems to be that you should use no contact to help you get over a guy not as a strategy to win him back. I tried it, and the longest I went was three days. I know that's not how to get him back; he's stubborn and terrified of being single so disappearing is only going to give him the mindset that it has to work with the new guy.

 

Realistically showing him I'm a better choice is my only hope. Show him there's something worth coming back to. Problem I have is I am going on holiday for 3 weeks in late August so any work I do now will probably be undone then, especially since his new guy is back off his holiday a week before mine starts.

 

When I'm not trying no contact we speak for hours every night online. It's not all abut us, some just general chat, sometimes it's about us and sometimes he can't help slipping things into the conversation that make me jealous. Yesterday I told him not to tell me anything about his new guy if he has nothing bad to say. He said he has plenty of bad but when I asked him he won't tell me - he wants me to do something for him like read more of the book he's writing before he'll tell me.

 

Part of me thinks it won't work out with his new guy and if I show him I'm better he may come back. I mean everything negative he has told me about the guy so far points to him not being the one for him, which is why I'm curious what all these bad things are that he won't tell me. I guess for me it's a way of figuring out if I have any chance and if I should fight.

 

Another part of me feels like his game is just to manipulate me into being friends. But I'm never accepting that regardless of how things pan out. I've made clear to him that I will never be just friends and that if I try "fighting" for him it's because I want him back and I would disappear if I felt that's not going to happen. Whether he choose to believe it or not I don't know.

 

The part of me that wants him back feels he is worth fighting for because the kind of connection we had and the amount of shared interests we have isn't something you can easily find in anyone else. For gay guys it's even harder because we are few in number - I don't live in a big city. He's the only guy I've ever met who I felt it would work with longterm.

 

So what should I do? See him as a friend and show him how good I am again or just give up completely? It's a tough choice and one that needs making because what I'm currently doing isn't sustainable - he'll end up disliking me not want me back. Losing him still hurts but I'm past the phase where I'm miserable every day.

[CalvinM]

The best thing you can do is improve yourself and let him miss you. If youre going to communicate with your ex, keep it light. Don't talk about the relationship. Don't beg, or whine for him to come back.

[d0nnivain]

If he said he wants you to fight for him (for the two of you as a couple) but then he entered into another relationship, he's playing games. He's using his new BF & that really says a lot of negative things about his character. Are you sure you want a manipulative person like that back?

 

 

If you do talk to him again, feel free to say you are willing to chase him & prove yourself but only if he's single & open minded because you are not a homewrecker.

[SephirothX]

I really can't work out what he's doing. All I know is his new relationship was very rushed, I mean how can you know someone well enough after 3 dates to become their partner? He never moved that fast with me originally. His new guy seems desperate, I mean he was aware that my ex and I had sex the night before their first date yet still rushed into it.

 

I saw him this evening and didn't show any misery or anything bad. We played snooked then talked for a couple of hours. Mostly about us. I keep dropping lines that are intended to make him see I'm the better choice. He was turned on for half that time for some reason. Though nothing happened as we are both against cheating

 

I'd love to tell him to go away and come back when he's single because I can't prove my promises while he's with someone else but I just feel that will push him further away. I have tried it though but I can't sustain no contact.

[No Limit]

I'm afraid NC is the only way to go. As the user above already mentioned, he's just playing games and they lead nowhere except him getting some ego-feed. :/

[SephirothX]

I just fear no contact will have the opposite effect on this one. But you may be right. Maybe I should give him a few weeks of great times first so he knows what he has to lose then start no contact when I go on holidaysin ce I can't see him then anyway.

[SephirothX]

It turns out you guys were right about him playing games. This idea that I should stick around and fight for him was just his way of trying to keep me as a friend. He's since said that there's nothing I can do to get him back, he'd only come back due to the failings of his new guy. I'm not sticking around to be his backup plan.

 

I still see them not working out to be honest. He's told me the only reason he's with him and not me is because the new guy is better looking and younger. I mean really? It's not like he doesn't find me very attractive. I don't think that's enough for it to work, especially since he has little in common with the guy and just last night he was twisting how the guy is a bimbo because he can't have a conversation with him any more - he only talks about romantic things since they started dating.

 

Seeing him isn't good. He actually cheated on the guy with me on Tuesday. It wasn't sex, but what happened shouldn't have and it could happen again. He said after that he'd not see me again, but by Thursday he already wanted me to see him again. I decided not to and told him I'd keep our plans for Saturday (today) and that would be the end. Have a good memory to finish on. But he cancelled because he doesn't want it to be the last time he sees me.

 

Due to him cancelling something I'd been looking forward to for two weeks - a day out at a good museum - I decided it's time we stopped speaking. So here I am trying no contact. I think I'm going to be leaving a big void in his life that his new guy can't fill, but that's his doing. I'm going on holiday in 11 days so it shouldn't be too hard to keep my mind off him. If he comes back in a few months or whenever I'll evaluate things then.

[casey.lives]

so he's basically handed you the dagger by which to destroy them by providing you with an overview of the weakness of their relationship. I think your chances are positively optomisitic

Edited August 15, 2015 by casey.lives

[candie13]

Hum... he is not playing fair - he is testing the waters and simply wants the best possible deal for him, while not ending up single. Sorry, that's not how it works. It's not about being with someone, it's about loving someone, hurting, missing etc.

 

I think you should do the following: go out and meet new people. Take a break for a few weeks. Install NC, go on dating sites, take it easy and relax. It'll be perfect, because your ex is without his new flame. So by cutting all contact with him, he will live his nightmare - be alone. Vanish completely. MAke him miss you.

 

Take a few weeks, maybe ever an few months off. You will know what to do after that. Sure, he won't like it, but what he's doing to you is called manipulation.

 

I honestly think he may be a nice person, but he is weak. To me, that's a turn off.

 

Anyways, easy for me to judge, I am not inlove with him, you are...

 

Think before you act. I cannot help fighting this feeling that he expects you to dance on the music he is playing for you. That's not love. And you can't build a sound RS on that foundation.

[SephirothX]

Yeah I realised weeks ago that what he's doing is manipulation. I just felt that the only hope I had of getting him back was to stay in his life and do everything I could to make him see I'm better for him. In reality it's probably just showing him that he can have a subpar relationship while continuing to have his fun and excitement with me as a friend. Having his cake and eating it. When he told me there's nothing I can do to get him back that made me realise I'm doing all that for nothing.

 

His guy is back off holiday next week so he's not going to be totally alone for long. I saw him for the first two weeks of his guy's holiday. But when he returns I know it's just going to be romantic walks for them because that's all they know what to do. God help them in the winter when the weather is freezing lol.

 

He is weak though. He told me last night that if it weren't for our relationship he'd have become miserable and suicidal. He simply can't handle being alone. He had no confidence or anything when he met me, I helped him and turned him into a better person and then he leaves me thinking he can do better. He has an ego the size of the sun now.

 

Maybe no contact will make him miss me and come back, I don't know. But I'm doing it more to move on. I'm already chatting to new guys, problem is I don't see any of them as being better than what I could have with my ex.

[candie13]

ok, I really hate giving this advice, but some people give other no other alternative. Really, PLEASE go NC irrelevant of no one new to date. It will come when it will come. Do not borrow his way of thinking, that is profoundly flawed.

 

You two were sooooo lucky to have found eachother, there are soooo f*cked up people out there and trust me, you don't want to be dating or seeing any of them. Take your time, it takes a LONG LONG time to find someone who's worth it. New dates are 2 dimes a dozen. Really interesting people, successful who are willing to commit and date only you ? wow, that might take a while. Really. I'm thinking, personally, I have higher chances of getting struck by lightening - and I'm hoterosexual and quite pretty.

 

My point: stand your ground and stop being his puppy dog. Ok, so it's just one week. Bloody do it. Go away cold turkey. Vanish. Disappear. He will stay strong and when the newbie is back, he'll be all over him like a puppy over icecream. Wait... wait for him to realize this newbie cannot fulfill him like you do.

 

Let's look at it differently: it's over anyway, no? You might as well start healing right here and now. That's the beauty of NC. It brings healing. It also brings hell, but it's a small price to pay for your freedom. Gogogogoogo !!!

[SephirothX]

Yeah I'm going to try.

 

My worry with no contact was that it would just push him closer to new guy because if he hates being single then if he feels there's no alternative he'll stick with what he has.

 

But staying in his life isn't helping. I'm showing too much jealousy and hatred towards his new guy. Every time he tells me the only reason he's not back with me is because he's with new guy it makes me hate that guy even more. Even though it's not really his fault. All this is negative and unattractive, that's not going to make him come back.

 

Apparently he asks himself every day if he's making a massive mistake. Maybe some day he'll answer that with a yes and contact me. I'm leaving the lines open in case, no blocking. But I said goodbye last night.

[candie13]

listen. try to be logical, for a moment. What the hell is the issue? Do you understand what the problem in your RS is, other than him dating a new man?

 

I don't understand. I don't understand what you did wrong. I don't understand how you're supposed to fix it. And I do not understand what he means by "fighting" for you.

 

Can you rationally explain this to me? Is there a rational answer?

 

Looking from the outside, it seems like he kept you hanging around so that he doesn't feel too lonely, until his new bf comes along. That's not cool. What are his expectations from you? What is the best case scenario ? Are you guys done?

 

I gave you a stupid stupid advice. Try to first understand that the hell's going on. Then make a decision. Ask yourself some hard questions and ask him some hard questions, if you need do. Because the way you live, the emotional stress he's putting you under, the guilt he puts on you so that you dance to his every move... man, that is BAD !!!!

 

Stop doing everything you've been doing and start thinking. There must be a rational explanation to this situation. Understand what that is and bloody either solve it once and for all or break it... 'cause right now you seem stuck to me...

[SephirothX]

I think what it comes down to is this.

 

For most of the relationship I didn't think it would work so I didn't put the effort into it that a relationship requires. I wasn't romantic enough, I argued/complained over silly things, I was addicted to an MMORPG (online game) which meant I didn't see him enough and I didn't listen enough. It was also my first longterm relationship so I was still learning. In reality I made him feel like he could do better, and to be honest he could do better than what I gave him. I think from an early stage I lost interest - he came across as never wanting to work and it stopped us moving in together. So I distanced myself a bit and the relationship was rotting. This year he was changing as a person, started putting effort into looking for work and he got a job in April, nearly two years after we started dating. But by then it was past the point of no return - an end was inevitable. The stress of his new job seemed to change his attitude too.

 

It's sad to say but we needed to break up, it was the only way I would see how bad I was doing things and the only way to stop the rot. He wasn't perfect either though. After breakup night he handled things bad, he immediately went on dating websites and started speaking to many people. In his mind he felt he had to get with someone else to see if the grass is greener, and as he can't be single it was immediate. The guy he got with he started speaking to within a week of the breakup, met three weeks later and entered a relationship with him 10 days after the first date despite the guy going on a 3 week holiday 4 days later. It was the other guy who proposed the relationship though - a guy who apparently takes things slow! If that's slow I'd hate to see what fast is.

 

What I did after the breakup was do a postmortem on it, accept the blame for everything I did wrong, gave him lengthy e-mails on how I plan to change things and how things would be different if he took me back. I also tried to show him the changes I could that don't require being with him. I've lost weight, improved my dress style, got rid of my old underwear, stopped playing that online game and saw him more, all things that were problems. But I did bad things too - the constant jealousy, misery, hatred, goodbyes I went back on - all things that aren't attractive.

 

What I've offered him has intrigued him enough to want to give me a second chance, and he has even said in recent weeks that he regrets rushing out to find someone new. But he won't give me a second chance because he's with another guy and is clear that's the only reason now. A month ago his reason was that he has to try with someone new. He's also now clear that nothing I can do will make him leave new guy for me. That idea of fighting for him must have been nothing - a way to keep me around as a friend. It's a fight I clearly couldn't win. He's only going to leave new guy for his failings - and who knows what level of failings will be required. The one he mentioned last night is a pretty big one though if that continues - and he did mention the same thing a couple of weeks ago - about how he can't have a proper conversation with the guy any more. But that may just be a temporary problem - they were having proper conversations before they dated.

 

What he wants from me right now is to accept their relationship and be his friend. He's not trying to lead me on like he did early after the breakup but he is dropping lines that give hope like the things mentioned in my previous paragraph.

 

At the end of the day he barely knows the guy; they've met 3 times and his next date is a repeat of the last 3 - a walk in the local countryside which I'm sure will be very nice/romantic for them. If you strip the romance away I think he knows I'd be better for him. Sad part is I enjoy that kind of thing too, we just never did it enough.

 

If I look at it from the outside I think he wants me to hang around as a plan B in case he decides he's not happy enough with that guy, and because I'm his only proper friend. He has others but he rarely sees them and they don't speak much. For me, I don't want to fall into that friend zone where he can have just romance with a guy who isn't right for him while getting everything else from me.

 

I honestly don't know what's best for me, stay in his life for a few months to see how their relationship pans out or cut contact and see if he comes back on his own. I've been asking myself that for a month now. Today is a month since his first date with new guy and next weekend is two months since the breakup.

[d0nnivain]

What's best for you is to put him in your rear view mirror & leave him there. You have to heal. You can't do that when you are thinking about him coming back. Even if he were to come back, he's not good for you. He's a user. He he's manipulative & he's got emotional problems. You don't want to be with somebody who threatens to kill themselves to get you to do something.

 

 

You need to take some deep breaths & pull yourself together.

 

 

If you haven't already pack up all of his stuff & box it away. Throw out what you can. Store the rest somewhere inaccessible. Put all your digital photos on a cloud drive or a thumb drive & pack that in the box. Block him on social media.

 

 

Now have yourself a good cry or scream. Spend the rest of this weekend safely doing self indulgent behavior. Drown your sorrows in ice cream or booze (just for tonight & not too much). Surround yourself with positive people who love you.

 

 

Come Monday morning, pick yourself & don't look back. No more wallowing. He's history & you are better off are your new mantras.

 

 

Re-arrange your living space. Take a new route to work. Think about something you'd like to do for yourself: gym, hair cut, new outfit, take a class, whatever. Then do that. It's about the best parts part of you. Watch upbeat shows like this one: Secret Guide to Fabulous (TV Series) | Season 2 Episodes | LOGOTV

[SephirothX]

Those are some strong words D0nnivain. Probably what I should have done when we first broke up.

 

Fortunately I'm past the crying and daily misery now, it no longer gets me down the way it used to even two weeks ago. My emotions are more under control now except when he does things that make me jealous. So I'm trying to think rationally about what to do. At this point it's just me missing what we used to have and the worry that I'll not find that with anyone else. I've been chatting to new guys but not one I would want more than my ex.

 

I guess for me it's a case of do I want to sit around waiting and hoping for months at the chance that their relationship fails, or do I want to just move on now and date new guys?

 

It's also the worry that if I stay in his life as a friend he may not decide I'm the one for him because he'll not be missing out on the fun/excitement that I offer him that his new guy can't. Like I feel being his friend for now will harm my chances rather than help.