cdhippen Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 About 3 months ago me and my girlfriend broke up mutually because we had some differences we never thought we'd get past. Soon after breaking up I realized what I had lost. We stayed "friends" although I was pretty sure I wanted her back for a while. I let it go for a couple months because I wanted to let her do her, but we continued meeting up, working out together, etc, and even making out. We have never had sex and we dated for 9 months if that matters. She told me on and off we shouldn't be hanging out as much and that I could do much better, and that I deserve someone better than her, but then she would ask to hang out again, and be flirty again and then feel bad about it simply because we werent dating. A couple weeks ago she gave her number to a guy who asked her for it, and I got really sad, she stopped talking to him really quickly afterwards once she realized I still cared about her and I told her straight up that I wanted to get back together with her, that I didn't want better, I wanted her, that kinda stuff. Things seemed to get a little better for a week or two, I made her dinner one night and she was super appreciative and even told me she loved me again which it had been at least a month since she had told me that even though I have been saying it sparsely this whole time. Then 3 nights ago, she told me she was officially talking to a new guy, and it broke me. I havent been able to eat or sleep barely at all for 3 days. Last night I went and told her how I felt but I was a complete mess and couldn't really talk very well. She told me that she thinks we just can't work, too much has been said and done, we broke up for a reason (a line she got from her sister), and mostly that I deserve someone way better and that kind of stuff. I tried to ask her for a straight answer today if she still had any love for me and if she had any desire to get back together whatsoever, and she couldn't give me a straight answer, she said that she thinks we burned all of our bridges and that too much has been said and done but she won't straight up tell me if she does or not. She asked me to come to the gym with her tonight so we can talk since I asked her if we could meet up and have a rational conversation since I feel better now and I'm not hysterical. She warned me I might not like what she has to say. I want to get her back, she is the single best thing that ever happened to me and our relationship was amazing when it was good, and I know we can get back there if we just try again. I just want to know what I should say/do. I thought I might bring her flowers, but I don't want to piss her off or feel like I'm smothering her more than I already have. I also thought about asking her to spend tonight hanging out with me just to see if theres anything left. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdhippen Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 I would also like to comment, besides the differences we had, I was a little argumentative at times, and I also lied to her about watching porn, both of which I tried to reconcile, and as far as I know she's forgiven me, and I've moved past those issues and fixed them with myself. I've resolved to be a less argumentative person, because its pointless, and with porn, I got the help I needed and no longer have an addiction to it. Link to post Share on other sites
goldway90 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 (edited) " she is the single best thing that ever happened to me" Stop putting her on pedestal that's the number one thing, second why did you stay friends with her even though you wanted her back? it will never work and you got hurt now. You broke up for whatever reason, stupid or not, she told you to move on but you stayed as a friend, the result is the friendzone. Btw DO NOT SEND FLOWERS, DON'T. She's talking to another guy, trying to move on with her life, you should do the same. NC is a must. You can't win her back if you're stuck in the friendzone, doing nothing with your life. Stop chasing her and boosting her ego, you'll never be able to heal in you keep contact with her. Edited July 26, 2015 by goldway90 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdhippen Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 well I'm already committed to meet up with her tonight, what would you say? Also, it really didn't seem like the friendzone, we still madeout, she still looked into my eyes like she always did, and she talked to me like she still loved me up until she started talking to this new guy. Link to post Share on other sites
pidgeon1010 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 (edited) Do nothing and cancel that gym date unless you're prepared for more uncertainty and hurt feelings. She has made her feelings known several times but you choose not to accept it. Sometimes the explanation for a break up may not be reasonable to us or we may get no reason at all but the one thing that you do get is that the other person has decided they do not want to be with you anymore. You can never get back an ex who doesn't want to come back. She will need to come to that conclusion on her own and no amount of talking, gifts, etc. will make her come to that conclusion any faster. The fact that she makes out with you and stares into your eyes means nothing at this point. You need to move on. Sorry. Edited July 26, 2015 by pidgeon1010 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdhippen Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 So I did end up meeting her and talked to her at the gym, i mean she wanted to talk to me so i went and i basically told her, look, you hurt me it hurt a lot thats why I freaked out the other day, I'm sorry for smothering you, that wasn't me. I finally ate and slept so now I'm level headed, and I told her that it hurt that she was hanging out with me like we used to literally THE day before she told me she was talking to Gary(the guy) which is stupid. She said I scared her the night before because I was so sad, and being the mini drama queen she is she asked me "You're not going to go after Gary, are you?" I laughed and told her she was being dumb and she should know me better than that, then she rattled off this story about a 60 minutes episode yadda yadda yadda. I told her I was over her now, which she knows I can get over bad emotions very quickly because I am a very positive person 99% of the time, but that I would not be communicating with her anymore because thats not fair to me or to her. When I left she seemed super super sad about something, I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, she said no, so I just said ok, bye. I then went home and deleted her off of facebook and snapchat. This morning I got up and having morning regrets I guess lol I went to look at her facebook, turns out her response to me deleting her was to block me completely, and from that I discovered that she blocked me on instagram, pinterest, literally everything. If I still want there to be a possibility of salvaging this sometime down the road( I recognize it will take time) then whats my next step? I mean obviously NC, but what can I do to have her keep me in mind? She doesn't respect drinkers, and I don't drink but theres not much else to do in our town, I know I need to get out there and be popular and everything which I can do, but another question I have is should I go after the girl she despises? would that push her away more or make her jealous? I'm pretty sure I can hang out with said girl pretty easily, I just don't know if that will be helpful or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdhippen Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 Also, just some more general information, she seemed super hesitant to say it but she told me her and this guy might start dating soon, which was odd because literally 5 minutes previous she had told me that they were just going to "talk"(a concept I still don't understand the point of) for a while because she wanted to take it super super slow. I remind you, she has never had sex, she's had 2 boyfriends, I was her second boyfriend and the 3rd guy she ever kissed and she's 20. I have had sex with several women in the past and that was always a huge point of insecurity for her(This guys 25 and I've known him for a little while and I guarantee you he's been around the block more than me lol, he goes to edm concerts and he's a hipster with a beard, very odd transition IMO). I've told her how much I regret it and that there's nothing I can do to change it, but she's voiced that when we kiss, makeout or stuff like that, that she sometimes gets herself out of the mood because she thinks of all the other girls even though she doesnt know any of them or any of their faces. Shes also got pretty bad depression, and always talked about how I was the only person she felt like she could turn to (so i guess shes turning to this guy now?) but anyways, this is just some general information so you guys know what kind of a girl we're dealing with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdhippen Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 Also, shes super into fitness and so am I and we go to the same gym, and I'm not sure if she's gonna start like timing my visits to avoid me or something but im worried what will happen if she shows up when im working out(do i just ignore her?), which ironically I brought her to and thats where she met Gary because hes the GM at the planet fitness we go to. (BY the WAY: I have a really good friend that works there and I told him about what was going on. His response: Don't worry, he's nothing special, he plays skyrim and minecraft and comes to work and thats about it, also of note, elizabeth thinks video games are a complete waste of time and money, which is also my opinion but nevertheless) but anyways my point is, she's made super good friends with both managers at PF, Gary and a girl named Kayla, and Kayla I've talked to a few times but I wouldn't say we're "friends". I dont even know if any of this information is helpful, I just want to give as clear of a viewpoint as I can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdhippen Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 And its not like she couldnt have gotten any guys in the past, shes super pretty, shes just really nervous about relationships and doesn't like committment super much because shes afraid of hurting someone. She's got guys hounding her for dates all the time, which I guess is probably every girl, but she doesnt take compliments easily and is super self conscious even though she has no reason to be except that her first boyfriend was an *******, and my biggest fear is that if I do go out and do good things for me, she'll just end up thinking that I'm better off without her, and she won't try to get back with me because she won't think she's good enough. so at what point do I do something about that? Link to post Share on other sites
pidgeon1010 Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 You're making up your own excuses to soften the blow of her rejection. Nothing good will come of that. Do you see how long your subsequent posts after meeting her are? There's your uncertainty and it will continue to stew in your mind and drive you crazy. I am sure you will do what you want to do and are not really looking for objective advice. You can analyze this, come up with excuses, etc. but the bottom line remains, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. What she wanted was you to pine for her on the sidelines and when you hinted at the fact that you couldn't do that, she blocked you off everything. Selfish, party of one. What you need to do is man up and move on but you're unwilling to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 OP go about your life. You can't change anybody's mind or force them to feel regret. They will regret when they know what they're missing. And if you want her to miss you, then you go on with your life- workout, make new friends, date other people, etc. MOVE ON. Link to post Share on other sites
blidow Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 forget about hanging with other girls to make her jealous, just forget about doing anything to try to win her back. Seems clear she's got a new guy and while she may feel some guilt about dumping you, that's not even close to her wanting to be with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdhippen Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 Man you guys are pessimistic, I know she doesn't want to be with me right now, that's why I'm asking how I can get her to want to be with me. I don't really want to hear "get over her" or "move on with your life" because I know that we are good for each other, and literally we broke up and basically went stagnant, all over 1 night of arguing, not even like throwing things arguing, just being grumpy. I know that we were the best things that happened to each other, and I know that we can be again, I just want to know how I can get her to see that. Obviously I know NC but what specifically can I do to influence her? Through 3rd party or by whatever means. Link to post Share on other sites
pidgeon1010 Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 (edited) People come here thinking their situation is unique but one day you may see the utility of what everyone is telling you. It's not pessimism. It's reality but it's not a world you want to live in. Anyways here's my take on how to get her back. Btw I should mention that NC and trying to get her back are mutually exclusive. You can't do both at the same time. - leave notes and flowers on her car (does she drive to the gym?). - send her text messages reminiscing about the good times you shared. Follow-up with emails repeating the same things. - call her once a week to see how her day is going and let her know your feelings and the fact that you'll wait for her until the end of time (romantic). If she doesn't pick up, leave a voicemail. - ask her to hang out as friends. If she agrees, at those hang outs, be caring and understanding and move at the pace she dictates. - be available to her when she needs to vent about Gary (or any other guy). I think these things are a good start. Let us know how it goes! Edited July 28, 2015 by pidgeon1010 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdhippen Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 woah woah woah. This is like the complete opposite of what I've gathered from anyone. Did you read the whole situation? I basically 100% cut her off, how can I go back on that now and not look like a wishy washy fool. Also if I'm doing those things, how do I avoid just getting in the friend zone. Plus she's really paranoid and if she thinks I'm gonna go after Gary, God knows how she'd react to me trying to contact her and hang out with her. Link to post Share on other sites
pidgeon1010 Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 I don't really want to hear "get over her" or "move on with your life" because I know that we are good for each other Obviously I know NC but what specifically can I do to influence her? Through 3rd party or by whatever means. Are you reading what you are posting? You don't want the truth and you want to know how you can win her back during no contact. That is nonsensical because those two things cannot exist in the same realm. No contact means strict no contact, working on yourself and moving on. You are looking for a magic formula that doesn't exist. To even think the list I provided is viable option shows your state of mind. Sigh. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdhippen Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 People get back together everyday. You're not thinking if you don't think it's possible, I'm just wondering how that sort of reconciliation happen, and you are being completely unhelpful Link to post Share on other sites
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