Should I try to get back her heart...

[changed123]

Hey helpers!

 

I have a situation that is towing almost half of my (and hers) life.

 

When we first met and start dating we were kinda young (that was 10 years ago!). She was only 15 and I was 20 (now I am 30). I know, she was very young for me and bla bla. But when I first saw her I was totaly in love with her. She too. If I'm honest, she started the whole thing with writing to me first and clicking me on irc or messenger every day.

 

I'm not sure if she liked me because of my looks or personality - maybe was "only" because a lot of her classmates wrote me too. So maybe it was something like a competion. But hey, I then chose her and I thing that she was for for a year or so really crazy for me (at least hormons). But it was really enjoyable time. We even have a lot of common - she loves to paint (she very gifted) and I love to photography and write books (I'm not from USA or UK, so no worry for my poor english skills ). We both like nature, walking, hiking, walking at the moonlight or under rain - not so much in romantic way, but we relly love this touch with life, freedom...

 

Then after a year and a half things started to change very fast to the bottom... Her "friends" told me that she was cheating me and even show me some proof - this proof make some sanse so I kinda believe them (big mistake). I started to mentally push on her and change my awesome personality to "jealousy mode". And not even that I had some personal problems (I have a phobia - which she didn't know until 10 years latter) and I just push all my problems on her. She cried a lot at her home - but at that time I didn't have a clue, that this was because of me. I thought that she just have a difficult time. But she is very shy (introvert) and never speaks of her (or mine) problems.

 

(I think) she just couldn't stand all this pressure so she really stareted to cheat on me. I totaly understand this now - 10 years latter - yes, it is still makes me sick if I think on that - but I DO understand why she did it.

 

Because she is shy she couldn't told me that she wants to an end. But I know for sure that she wants to stop dating me and move on with her life. So I make both of us a favor and I stop this... Then she realllyyy cried alot... I walked her to her home and that was it!

 

I am also an introvert and (were) very stubborn, so we have few months or even years with totaly no contact. I didn't do any move and she also not. Not sure why she didn't - becase she really didn't want or she couldn't becase of her shyness...

 

After few years of no contact we start to following eachother on Facebook, Instagram and once or twice a year we chat a little bit on FB. But hey.. this is not normal chat - I f*** know that there is so much feelings still there, but she just can't move this feelings out.

 

For example - she DOESN'T want to say "sorry" to me for cheating (even few words!!!), because she thinks that there is no apology for that what she did to me. So I never get any words or anything from her. I once even told her, that I do understand why she did it.

 

After she read my new book in which I talk about my phobia and tips about life... she couldn't slept few days and she contacted me on facebook. This drives me nuts because I don't know what she really feels or thinks - maybe she just loves words which touched her in a book and my talking to her. I know she is in a lot of pain inside and I want to help her. She has a boyfriend. In this 10 years we have ony cca 15 conversations!

 

Few years ago I told her, that I don't think that we should get back together. I don't know why I said that (maybe because she didn't even try to get back to me). Anyway I still love her, and I'm always confused about this if I want to get back with a girl who cheated on me or not.

 

All of our conversations go very deep, but not deep enouh. For example, not long ago I told her, that she is my inspiration and that I think of her every day since I saw her for the first time (this is true). I didn't want anthing for a return. She replied something like: "You shouldn't told me that.. I'm in pain.. I'm like a stone.."

 

If she said that she feels something similar it would be great! I would knew.. but not now.. Now I know that she still has a feelings for me, but that's it. No future. Ladys please help!!!

 

If I ask her out for a walk, she always find some excuse (maybe she really dosn't have time at that time, I don't know). Of course I will not ask her next day the same question, I don't want to be needy. But on the other hand she always gives me some subtle messages like "You thought me so much..." or "You are so great.."

 

Once she told me that she can't look me in my eyes (because of cheating and bad stuff of course).

 

I have no clue what is really going on in her head (and my too). Not sure if I wan't her back and on the other hand if she deep inside wants me back.

 

I just kinda hate the thing that she is my soulmate.

 

It would really help if you could help me a little bit with your tips. How do I know what is going on her head? Should we try again?

 

If I ask her anything direct, she is just too shy or won't tell me the real thing. If she dosn't love me - no problem. I can and I do live on my own. But I don't want to miss her love if she maybe deep inside wants to be with me!

Edited July 22, 2015 by changed123

[goldway90]

Let me start by saying dude she was your girlfriend not a therapist, it's okay to open up sometimes but you don't dump all your feelings on her, she was overwhelmed, even crying, obviously you didn't notice, mistake number 1.

 

You're saying you understand why she cheated, and that tells me you're making excuses for her, it wasn't your fault and cheating is unacceptable Mistake number2.

 

After years of NC you still hurt by the cheating and you want her to apologize,if you understand then don't ask! This is why you don't talk to ex lovers when you're not fully healed look at this "this is not normal chat - I f*** know that there is so much feelings still there, but she just can't move this feelings out.". Mistake 3

 

It doesn't matter if she's in pain inside, she has (had?) a boyfriend, so playing the hero or the white knight to help her works only in movies. Mistake number 4.

 

Mistake number 5 and this one is just too much, you told her she was your inspiration? and you think of her all the time after all this years? Right there all the years of NC meant nothing, back to square zero.

 

Dude you should be enjoying life, dating other women, i don't understand why are you still hung up on this girl from 10 years ago, she not into you, you're projecting your own interest in her but she doesn't feel the same. Stop making excuses for her like she's shy, afraid of the real thing....

 

It's easy to know what's on her mind and here it is :

She doesn't want you back, if she did, she'll make a date with. The fact you keep getting denied and rejected should be really enough. Time to move on Stop trying to force things. You're in the friendzone now.

 

And btw she cheated on you, that's not what soulmates do. Don't bullsh@t yourself, no wonder you're so confused, you're over thinking things, trying to figure out how thoughts. It's a waste of time and energy. Block her and do yourself a favor and move on from this, think of it as a learning experience.

[changed123]

Thanks goldway! I totaly agree with almost all what you said.

 

But there is so much more.. for example. I honestly do believe that people can and do change (I am my own example). I do believe that we make some mistakes that we in the other time we wouldn't.

 

And I do enjoy my time without her and dating other girls. I'm in perfect physic and mental shape and living fully - so no worry about that.

 

So.. I don't understand why she post an our song on a Facebook when she tought about me.

 

Or why she had a few days ago deleted all her pictures from a Facebook and Instagram (she had tons of pics with her boyfriend), now she has none.

 

And of course, I didn't msg her or ask anything. Of course it's not about me. Or is it?! I f* don't have a clue.

[goldway90]

Thanks goldway! I totaly agree with almost all what you said.

 

But there is so much more.. for example. I honestly do believe that people can and do change (I am my own example). I do believe that we make some mistakes that we in the other time we wouldn't.

 

And I do enjoy my time without her and dating other girls. I'm in perfect physic and mental shape and living fully - so no worry about that.

 

So.. I don't understand why she post an our song on a Facebook when she tought about me.

 

Or why she had a few days ago deleted all her pictures from a Facebook and Instagram (she had tons of pics with her boyfriend), now she has none.

 

And of course, I didn't msg her or ask anything. Of course it's not about me. Or is it?! I f* don't have a clue.

 

It's great to hear you're doing great, by hitting the gym, staying healthy and obviously dating other girls. People do change but a simple song in facebook means nothing, unless she tells you i want you back then there's nothing to do here. Why do you want to be with someone who cheated on you? Honestly delete her off social media and go full NC now, don't try to analyze her behavior. Keep enjoying your life, she's not that interested in you, leave her alone. You're falling into the trap of putting her on pedestal again, don't do that, she'll lead you on. Life is too short man.

[Nolan 93]

Goldway90 is correct, if your ex wanted to go back out with you she would straight ask if you did. Actions are always louder than words, and I leanred that first hand with my ex.

 

After my break up I lost quite a bit of weight, I'm healthy, getting a tattoo, and plus I have a new gf who is actually better than my ex. I took about 5 months too move on, and have been in Nc since 01/02/15.

 

You'll always miss that one person who broke your heart, especially if it was a good solid relationship, but that's life. I am a lot wiser now and more understanding how things work in relationships.

 

Just let your ex live her life, and you live yours that's all you can do.

[changed123]

I really don't think that I'm putting her on pedestal! One or two lines in 10 years is putting a girl on a pedestal - are you kidding me?

 

I tould you that in 10 years we have only 15 conversetions. And more than 10 she started, not me...

 

It's not a question why and if I want to date her - it's a question if she wants to get back to me from her point of view, because she won't or can't tell me that.

 

People do change but a simple song in facebook means nothing

 

Don't be such a pessimist!

[changed123]

But yes - I do understand now even more - if she would really really like to be with me, she would contact me.

 

(and she thinks in her room: if he would really really like to be with me, he would tould me that )

 

Thanks all.

[Gus Grimly]

I tould you that in 10 years we have only 15 conversetions. And more than 10 she started, not me...

 

You're making excuses. Just grow up and move on man. Seriously wtf?

[changed123]

You're making excuses. Just grow up and move on man. Seriously wtf?

 

Excuses about what?

[goldway90]

I really don't think that I'm putting her on pedestal! One or two lines in 10 years is putting a girl on a pedestal - are you kidding me?

 

I tould you that in 10 years we have only 15 conversetions. And more than 10 she started, not me...

 

It's not a question why and if I want to date her - it's a question if she wants to get back to me from her point of view, because she won't or can't tell me that.

 

 

 

Don't be such a pessimist!

Come on man she rejected you and denied your attempts for normal date and you keep pursuing, trying to know what's on her mind, those small conversations you had in the span of 10 years sent you back to pursuing which means you're putting her on pedestal

 

It been 10 years, that's a long time and nothing happened between the two of you, just texts not even a single date, you can't call me a pessimist lol she's not interested, if she did you'd get a coffee date at least as a FRIEND but in 10 years you had 15 text conversations, nothing more. Don't be delusional

[goldway90]

But yes - I do understand now even more - if she would really really like to be with me, she would contact me.

 

(and she thinks in her room: if he would really really like to be with me, he would tould me that )

 

Thanks all.

 

This is a straight bullsh@t, an excuse you're telling yourself. She's not thinking about you in her room lol I guess you didn't change at all, probably didn't date other women too. Hold on to that rope in 20 years you'll get 20 text conversations

[changed123]

Ok guys Just like I said, I am in NC anyway - so I will just continue that bull**** for next 50 years till we both die.

 

I like her a lot, but I'm not hurt - I just simple like her.

I totaly know my feelings. I still love her, including her mistakes that I am completely aware of. I don't live in denial.

 

So thanks guys and if she ever contact me. I will totaly let you know!