circe88 Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 I met this guy a year ago, and we chat every day, several times throughout the day since (we're both 31). We have similar views, similar intellectual interests, and very deep conversations. I was smitten from the start, but it was all just intellectual in the beginning as he's a very serious left-brained guy, but over time it became a little flirtatious. We started dating a few months later, it all progressed super slow, lots of mixed signals and awkwardness I'm not used to from men who are interested in me. Two months later I met another guy who swept me off my feet and left him on account that it was going nowhere. He was hurt but asked if we could still be friends. I said sure, so I treated him just as a friend-- told him about my dates and stuff, but he would get mad even though he never moved it forward and he was supposedly just my friend. I ended up breaking up with the new guy because he did drugs (I don't), so my intellectual friend and I started hanging out again. It was growing progressively more romantic and passionate, and two months later he asked me to be his gf. It was all wonderful, but again, not everything I'm used to with a guy. His love language is more reserved, I'm more open and expressive and need to hear and feel loved. I couldn't talk to him about it, his communication sucks, and he doesn't even know what he wants in a relationship, he just wanted to be my boyfriend. So I met another guy who swept me off my feet two months later, and a month after I left him again for this new guy. This time he was much angrier and I was more to blame, of course, since now there was an actual relationship that I broke on account that its communication style is incompatible with mine. This new guy is fun, romantic, and actually knows what he wants in a relationship (my intellectual love doesn't, he said so himself). However, my intellectual friend and I still can't let go. We stopped talking for three weeks after I ran off with the other guy, but we started talking again, he started chatting with me often, acting flirty and seductive, like he never was before. I ended up going out with him, in those outings he really seduced me physically and now we're having wild sex like never before. Our bond is deeper than ever, but now I have the other guy to worry about. He's sweet and in the past three months of our relationship we have gone fast and he's told everyone he wants to marry me. I developed feelings for him too, but I'm starting to reconsider going back to my intellectual. Even my mom likes him more, he's more educated and smart, though colder...but not lately. I'm so confused. I still talk to him all day and we tell each other all about our day as much as ever. Questions--- WHAT are his intentions, do you think? Is he really that into me in his own awkward way? He's a very handsome guy, much more handsome than the new one, so why can't he just go somewhere else, after all I did to him? What would it be like if I did go back? There was just so much miscommunication that it has caused all this drama. Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 (edited) These guys arent the issue, YOU ARE. Its not about their intentions it is about you finding YOURS. My advice is that you need to stop dating for a while. You go after intellectual guy but wallah! You get SWEPT off your feet. Then you go back to intellectual guy and wallah! It happens again and you hurt him. Now, you have a new guy but you're being physical with intellectual? So now you're going to hurt the new guy who really sees potential in you (intellectual guy drug his knuckles) and potentially break his heart now? You need to stop dating for a while. I get the sense that perhaps you enjoy the yoyo too much but what you don't realize is that you're only messing around with it so much because NONE of these guys are what you really want. Be single for a while until you get things figured out as to what you truly want in a long term mate and what you will actually commit to without the dramatic monkey branching that is going on. If you don't, you're going to cause a LOT of pain down the road. P.S. stop focusing on the physical. You're either focused on sex or how handsome they are. Discover why you do this and what you SHOULD be focusing on (personality, loyalty, affection, commitment, etc) and you'll find the right path. (I sense that you're young and are looking for self validation because you may have security issues whereby you want to tell people about how amazing your sex life is in one guy or show off a handsome guy on your arm in guy number two.) Edited July 18, 2015 by fireflywy 7 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 you already made your choice .. you left one for the other.. better looking smarter.. more welcomed by your mother, richer,funner .. more romantic and most importantly someone you like talking with. it has played out and you did good. Link to post Share on other sites
goldway90 Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Actually it's a classic case of someone who's afraid to be alone, jump from relationship to another. Time to learn how to be single because the cycle will continue. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author circe88 Posted July 18, 2015 Author Share Posted July 18, 2015 Thanks, guys. The reason I ask what his intentions are is because if someone did to ME what I've done to the intellectual, I would've never stuck around unless it is to avenge myself and my pride. No second chances with me, ever. But the fact that I feel like I might have a chance with him yet AGAIN, because he's stuck around in spite of my flights of fancy-- it makes me wonder... Link to post Share on other sites
goldway90 Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 Thanks, guys. The reason I ask what his intentions are is because if someone did to ME what I've done to the intellectual, I would've never stuck around unless it is to avenge myself and my pride. No second chances with me, ever. But the fact that I feel like I might have a chance with him yet AGAIN, because he's stuck around in spite of my flights of fancy-- it makes me wonder... If he stayed with you despite all that? why do you keep leaving him! seriously sounds like you're using his kindness and you keep hurting the guy. Tell him your intentions and stop hurting him with your flights of fancy. maybe he's codependent you never know . But it's time to stay single another chance is possible but you'll leave him yet AGAIN. Link to post Share on other sites
ManyDissapoint Posted July 18, 2015 Share Posted July 18, 2015 You sound like a real catch. Complete with no sense of agency. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author circe88 Posted July 19, 2015 Author Share Posted July 19, 2015 If he stayed with you despite all that? why do you keep leaving him! seriously sounds like you're using his kindness and you keep hurting the guy. Tell him your intentions and stop hurting him with your flights of fancy. maybe he's codependent you never know . But it's time to stay single another chance is possible but you'll leave him yet AGAIN. I keep leaving him because I get frustrated by his communication style. He's not romantic, hardly ever posted photos of us, doesn't know what he wants in a relationship, doesn't know where he wants it to go. The new guy moved at a way faster pace and have a deep romantic connection with him, he KNOWS what he wants (me), but he's not as smart-- plus, he's more lowbrow, drinks, smokes cigarrettes-- but I figure it's fine, I can live with that. But then the intellectual keeps messaging me and seducing me. It seems like every time I break up with him he becomes everything I wanted in the first place, which makes me want to go back to him each time. But after having done it to him twice, I do have to wonder-- even if I did go back to stick around at last, will he do the same? Or is he only here for revenge? Link to post Share on other sites
ravfour4 Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 He's there because he obviously cares for you a lot, not for revenge. And you have a boyfriend, how is this "intellectual" seducing you when he has such bad communication and expression of love? It seems like he's doing it well enough to get you to come over. If you want him to post more pictures of you or say I love you more - tell him. He clearly really likes you, he'll probably do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fireflywy Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 He's there because he obviously cares for you a lot, not for revenge. And you have a boyfriend, how is this "intellectual" seducing you when he has such bad communication and expression of love? It seems like he's doing it well enough to get you to come over. If you want him to post more pictures of you or say I love you more - tell him. He clearly really likes you, he'll probably do it. Yep. Whatever you do, get yourself straight and COMMIT to someone. You're playing too much methinks. Link to post Share on other sites
goldway90 Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 I keep leaving him because I get frustrated by his communication style. He's not romantic, hardly ever posted photos of us, doesn't know what he wants in a relationship, doesn't know where he wants it to go. The new guy moved at a way faster pace and have a deep romantic connection with him, he KNOWS what he wants (me), but he's not as smart-- plus, he's more lowbrow, drinks, smokes cigarrettes-- but I figure it's fine, I can live with that. But then the intellectual keeps messaging me and seducing me. It seems like every time I break up with him he becomes everything I wanted in the first place, which makes me want to go back to him each time. But after having done it to him twice, I do have to wonder-- even if I did go back to stick around at last, will he do the same? Or is he only here for revenge? You're over thinking over here, revenge like are you serious! Stay single the issue isn't him it's You. Maybe the intellectual guy doesn't have good communications skills but your aren't the best either. the fact that you are in this on and off cycle proves that the two of you are very bad are communicating. Link to post Share on other sites
clam Posted July 19, 2015 Share Posted July 19, 2015 Are you sleeping with both of these men? Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted July 22, 2015 Share Posted July 22, 2015 The "intellectual" guy is either stupid or using YOU for "action"...which makes him smart and he sees through you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author circe88 Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 The "intellectual" guy is either stupid or using YOU for "action"...which makes him smart and he sees through you. YES, that's what I think. I asked him what his intentions are, he says he's very confused-- says he can never be in a relationship with me again because of the way I broke up with him. I got in a relationship with the new guy the same day, posted pics on FB, etc. However, he that all he knows is he needs me in his life because he's never had such a connection with anyone. I am kind of enjoying the sex with both. I feel strongly for both, and wish this confusion could go on forever because it's simply lovely. Link to post Share on other sites
halopend Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 I am kind of enjoying the sex with both. I feel strongly for both, and wish this confusion could go on forever because it's simply lovely. OMG. That right there.... Find men who only want to have sex with you and not have a relationship cause you clearly don't give 2 ****s about whoever you are sleeping with. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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