Why is he doing this to me?

[amkxoxo]

So years ago this guy and I had a fling. I call it a fling because we were practically dating, but he wouldn't commit to me. He didn't see other people and neither did I, but we were never boyfriend and girlfriend. This went on for almost 7 months. We would spend a lot of time together. We had a lot of chemistry. We would sleep in bed together. I didn't have sex with him because I wanted something official and serious. He respected this and didn't push. I went through continuous stages of heartbreak and disappointment just trying to grasp onto something real. He would seem to like me a lot, and then pull back constantly. I told him I wanted a relationship, but he wasn't sure due to his lifestyle and his failed past relationship. We went through a time of not talking for almost two years until present day.

 

He and I live in the same place again. We have both graduated college. We are both 23. I have dated many men casually since him, and feel I am happy and more mature in my life. He started reaching out to me when he moved here. We finally made a plan to meet up at his place.

 

We ate dinner, had some alcoholic beverages, and hung out with his roommate for a while. He and I were so comfortable with each other right away. It was strange. The chemistry between us throughout the night started to build. I felt like I just had seen him a week ago, when it had been two years. I was not confident to drive home after all the wine I drank and knew I was staying there for the night. My ex is extremely paranoid about drinking and driving so I know he wouldn't have let me go anyway. He and I went into his bedroom and we started watching tv on his bed. That led to cuddling. Then kissing, then heavily making out. I ended up giving him a bunch of hickey's on his neck. I didn't mean to. I didn't realize I had all that power in my mouth to make so many marks.

 

During our little rendezvous, I told him that it meant more to me than just a casual hook up and that I was looking for something more serious in my life. This sparked a whole conversation leading us into the early morning about us and what we were and our past.

 

I just wanted him to know I wasn't someone just casual he could have for comfort and that I expect to grow into something more if we were in his bed doing things currently. I didn't mean to come across as forward or pressuring him after one night. I didn't want to be that crazy girl who meets someone and is like "Oh now your my boyfriend." I felt since we had history, and his track record was acting like he likes me and then falling off the face of the earth for a while.

 

I want a boyfriend and I want something real at this stage in my life. My ex started telling me how I was trying to jump ahead so quickly and we needed to start from the beginning again. I then told him he should ask me out on a date, if we need to start from the beginning. He didn't comment on that and just kept going on about us starting from step 1 and all this stuff about his life that didn't condone a relationship. To me, we were already past step 1. We were in bed, half clothed, making out. He even was babbling on about ex girlfriends and how the last one didn't have a lot in common with him and wanted him to change himself to be with her. I never asked him to do that.

 

We talked about what happened in the past and how he thought I was perfect and he didn't have anything to offer me. I got teary eyed and asked him if I was so perfect then why was it so easy to let me go? Why didn't he try harder to keep me? He told me how he didn't have anything to keep me with. He said he didn't feel he could offer me anything great that I deserved.

 

He told me how he isn't happy with his life still. He works 6 days a week sometimes 14 hour days. He doesn't have a lot of friends. He doesn't have a social life, because he works so much. He may want to move totally out of the area in the future.

 

I'm sad because I felt like it had been two years and maybe he would have changed. Maybe we could be together. This is our second and final shot.

 

I understood but still didn't like it. The next day I went home and he went to work. He texted me midday to say "I hope your not mad at me."

 

I was very confused. I asked him what he was talking about. He told me how we talked about a lot and he wasn't sure if I was sad about it.

 

I told him I was not and I was trying not to jump ahead.

 

We have been texting somewhat and he came to a party I had. We were just friendly.

 

We were texting the other day about how he is socially awkward and bad with woman. He then said how that's why he is off limits to woman right now.

 

He said something similar to me two years ago too.

 

I don't know what to do, or what to think. I am not trying to chase him as I did years ago, but he plagues my brain. I don't understand if I am so great like he claims and we have so much chemistry, then why doesn't he make the time for me even though he is busy? Why doesn't he ask me out on a date? Why does he leave me open for anyone else to have?

Edited July 6, 2015 by amkxoxo

[Els]

IMO... he doesn't make time for you because you aren't a priority to him unless he wants something from you (making out). He doesn't ask you out on a date because he isn't interested in dating you.

 

I think you're trying to force a square peg into a round hole here. There's nothing wrong with casual sex (or casual making out in your case) but he's not the right guy for you if you want a R and he doesn't. Have the conviction to stand up for what you want, and put an end to this so you can free yourself up to meet a man who actually wants the same things you do. Even if he's 'leaving you open' for other guys, you sure aren't leaving your own mind and heart open, which is the more important point by far.

[pidgeon1010]

No you can't continue where you left off two years ago. It may feel right to you and it may seem like he has only been gone a week but he is right in saying you have to start afresh and get to know each other (although I should add I don't think this guy is looking for a serious relationship).

 

Also you can't expect relationship-type treatment from a man when you are not exclusive. You either jump into bed with him after one night with NO expectations or you don't drink as much and drive yourself home if you want to be wooed and eventually be in a relationship.

 

Setting boundaries for how you want to be treated in life and in dating is very necessary if you want to have a happy, healthy relationship with someone who respects you. When you let everything be a free-for-all in dating and in life, you get chaos in return. You get depression, suffering, pain, indecision, confusion, desperation and turmoiled emotions.

 

It doesn't sound like he wants a relationship with you anytime soon. I'd move on since you're on different pages.

[kismetkismet]

It really doesn't seem like he wants anything serious.. he's said it many times, or at least very heavily implied it. If you're looking for a serious relationship I'd say look somewhere else quite frankly. It can be hard to realize that not everyone wants the same thing as you, that like maybe they just need a particular set of circumstances to 'unlock' the desire for a relationship... but some people just straight up do not want them. Particularly when he's only 23.

[stillafool]

He is trying to not hurt your feelings. What he is telling you is garbage. He has been in other relationships since he broke up with you so he is capable of having a relationship. He just doesn't want one with you. After 2 years he would know if he wanted you back but he doesn't. This is why he says he has nothing to offer you (his love). I don't think you should have stayed over with him. You knew you had to drive why did you drink too much? I think you have spent way too much time on this guy when there are millions of men out there to try. You'll never get over him until you go NC and really mean it. Don't spend your youth chasing a dream.

[amkxoxo]

I know. I am a lot stronger and more mature than when I last was with him. I've learned a lot about life and myself when he was gone for those two years.

 

In my mind I was basically just telling him I wanted a relationship period. Yes, I meant with him, but I didn't say with him. I meant in general. I am looking to have a serious relationship with someone and if he wasn't in that head space, I wanted him to speak up. Its yes or no. Its black or white. He talks in circles and I end up going home confused. When I ask questions he talks in more circles. I usually stop asking because I am trying to process what he said before without adding more onto it. I feel like he does this to spare my feelings, when all I want is a straight answer to ease my mind.

 

He is a good guy, but if he can't come around and prove to me that I am worth it, then I cannot give him the attention I want to give him. I had a small house party with a bunch of my friends the other night. He was invited. He stopped by late after he got out of work. He drove all the way from his work, past my house, to his house which is out of the way, showered and got all cleaned up, and then drove back to my house. When he got there the party was dying down and people were trickling out. I was doing some little cleaning up here and there trying to not be overwhelmed. He immediately jumped in and helped me clean as all my friends just sat around. I kept telling him to stop and that it wasn't his mess, but he kept rolling his eyes and asking me where to throw things and where to put things. It was extremely nice. None of the mess was his since he got there late. None of my friends helped me at all. He is a nice guy and that is what attracts me. Sides of him are great and I love when he acts like that. The cool, shy, nice guy. I've had some of the best conversations with him and then some of the worst. I've been over the moon happy with him and then wicked down in the dumps about him.

 

I understand he may not want something right now. He always told me in the past that he knows girls for a long time and then one day he will just wake up and realize he loves them and chases them to the ends of the earth. I want to feel like I am worth it to him. But he never chases me. He talks like he is not ready for a relationship and he has to work his life out, but I know plenty of men who are still working stuff out who would love to be with me. One of my guy friends showed interest in me and I found out he was even trying to better his life because of me. No guy would want to risk letting a great girl go, no matter what their life is like. To me, you make time for people you care about. You make time for your job, family, etc... Priorities.

 

I realize he may not want someone right now, but he will lose me to someone else. It is the biggest coincidence we are even in the same place. We went to college together and then both moved home to our home states which are very far from each other. I never thought we would reconnect or be near each other again. I feel like this is our shot and he hasn't changed very much, like I wished he would have. I know he doesn't go out and date a lot etc... Neither do I. He talks about being with his ex girlfriends like it was this all consuming need to be with them. I wish he felt that way about me. He also talks negatively about his ex now, which he never did. He realizes the extreme differences they had and that they didn't want the same lifestyle. She wanted him to change. She found someone else and left him. I like my guy the way he is. His personality, looks, smarts etc... I don't get how he doesn't see that I appreciate him. I am too good for him.

[stillafool]

Oh sweetie he's just not in love with you but cares about you deeply. I know it sucks but that's the way it appears to me. You can see from his past that when he wants a girl he chases and does whatever to be with them. You admit he has never done any of that for you. You have to accept this and stay away from him because after 2 years you still are not over him. YOU CANNOT BE HIS FRIEND. You say one of the reasons you fell so hard for him is because he is a nice guy. There are tons of other nice guys out there just like the one you mentioned. Give one of them a chance and stop looking back for this guy.

[amkxoxo]

I know. I think deep down I know this. He has a lot of internal issues. He even says it. I think it prevents him from accepting the kind of love I give him. I care too much and I am a loyal person who doesn't like to give up. He tells me I'm perfect, and that I have everything he has ever looked for in a girl, but he leaves me to meet others. I feel like I can never be totally myself with him. I am sarcastic and happy. I feel like I cannot feel this way with him. I have fun with him and we laugh and enjoy each other, but I feel I am more myself with others sometimes. He doesn't always get my sarcasm as he often answers with seriousness. It kills the mood. But then a while later he will reference my sarcastic notion with something funny. Makes no sense. He isn't happy. I feel I cannot always be happy around him. He radiates his disdain for difficult parts of his life. I feel like I don't want to brag about my happiness or the great things in my life around him.

[Male3133]

A couple of possibilities...

 

One - he's gay or is unsure of his sexuality. That is very difficult for many people but since you said you didn't have sex psrhaps he's been able to have an emotional relationship with you but not worry about the sex.

 

Two - he feels you're way out of his league. Bye seems to have said this a few different times. If he's been cheated on or lost girlfriends before he may just have very low self esteem and be afraid to make the next step with you thinking he'll blow it and be very hurt.

 

Why don't you directly ask him about these two things and eliminate them if they are not the reason.

 

I don't by the "he really cares about you but doesn't like you that way" argument. Guys who go out of their way to help like that really, really like a girl or are gay. Sorry but it's pretty much the way it is with most guys.

 

Btw - it's also possible he's actually still a virgin in spite of what he has implied - if it's that plus low self esteem he could actually be a great guy that just needs to trust you won't judge him or crush him emotionally before he opens up.

 

If he was any kind of player or DB he would have gotten into your pants at some point up to now. Seriously - you clearly like him and a guy with any game would have been able to work that. So I would rule thT out completely.

[amkxoxo]

He is definitely not gay, nor a virgin. He loves sex, and has had sex with others in the past. I think his past relationship plague him with self esteem problems. Two of his past girlfriends left him for other men. He loved them and claimed to give them everything, but it wasn't enough. I can see how that would make you feel bad about yourself. He has never ever pushed me or asked me for sex. He wants to, because sometimes we get too into making out, but he will never push me. He respects woman. He is a good guy. He has a good heart. He just doesn't pursue me for whatever twisted reason. I feel like he has all these crazy dreams. He wants to be totally financially stable and confident before he is with anyone. Its ridiculous. No one is ever fully contented in their life when they get with someone else. I am contented now, but I am constantly going through the trials and tribulations of what life throws me. He has depression and a medical condition which also hinders his life. At this point I have tried everything I can. I have tried to be totally on his level and make him happy. I have tried to ignore him and make me happy. I have tried to tell him outright what I want and what I need. Nothing works. I care about him. I know he does care about me in some twisted way, but its not enough. I try and talk with him and joke with him. Sometimes he is perceptive and other times I feel like tearing my hair out. He won't keep the conversation going with me. It too difficult.

[Male3133]

Well that just sucks, doesn't it? Here you guys really like each other and seem to be good people but can't make it happen.

 

I personally believe a good relationship shouldn't be too much work - if 2 people care about each other they put the other ahead of them self to some degree and if both do that it can be great.

 

Even just as a friend you might suggest he talk with someone - a shrink or councilor - because it seems he has se wacky ideas about relationships that are going to be a problem for him in the future.

 

Like you said though, maybe he thinks this is the way to keep someone - assuming he never really understood why the other relationships didn't work.

 

I don't know... If he turns things around it might be worth it... but you seem to know where this is (or isn't) headed.

[amkxoxo]

I'm no better a person. My ex came over last night. We went out and grabbed some food and brought it back to my place. We made fancy drinks and ate and caught up. We had a fun time. We listened to music and he found out I was extremely ticklish. I find he used that to try and have some physical contact with me. Our chemistry was there. It never leaves.

 

He told me he regrets fawning over his ex like he did. He told me she was one of the first girls he met in college and she wasn't good for him, but he went for her anyway. He said he pretty much settled for whatever was there, and she was the first one there. They were such different people and he wished he had seen it sooner.

 

He and I are so similar, but we have our different beliefs on life. He told me he wished he didn't spend so much time fawning over her after their breakup, and I guess she kind of kept him around a little on the side after she left him, and he jumped for her. He says he sometimes thinks about how he should have just let her go, ignored her, and he could have really tried to have something with me, long distance or not. Because he said a year later, we are back living in the same place.

 

It kind of made me happy to know that he recognized the ironic fate that he and I living in the same place was. I couldn't believe we both moved back to the same place where we first met. I never thought I would ever be close to him again.

 

I didn't say one word, about any of it. I didn't know what to say. I think he sees how well he and I get along. He says he always secretly thinks I hate him for all he put me through. I told him that wasn't true. He told me how he feels like he fu*** up so many people's lives and sometimes its better if he just is single. I laughed and told him he already ****ed up my life back years ago, and look at us now. I was there sitting in front of him laughing and having drinks. He was like "see, see I messed up your life."

 

I again agreed that he did, but again, let him know that I was still here talking to him and I was perfectly fine. I wasn't going to deny that he didn't hurt me, but I wanted him to know that here I was, I was fine, and I was sitting there with him again. Him ****ing up my life no longer meant anything to my life, because I moved on with my life and made it better myself and it wasn't going to get messed up again by him. Only I can let it get messed up.

 

He kept up the flirtatious tickling and we ended up on my couch. Tickling led to hand holding, led to cuddling, led to falling asleep on my couch for a while. When we woke, I went to the bathroom and when I came back I found him cleaning my kitchen. The cute guy I know him to be helping me clean.

 

He tickled me again and then picked me up and brought me in my bedroom. We cuddled, touched, and made out on my bed for a while. He finally said he should go home because he barely got any sleep the night before and he was tired and didn't feel well. We parted ways. He gave me one of his cute hugs when he left. He always used to nuzzle my neck with his face. He loves it. And he left.

 

I still have no clue what this is or what this could mean. He claims that in a year when his lease it up, he might want to move back closer to his home town, or somewhere totally different, across the country. I think he thinks a big drastic move will make his life happier and better, but its not such an easy fix.

 

He's a great guy and I know he cares about me, but I still do not know if he will ever commit, or want to have me for his own.

 

I am not a good person, and I cheated on the new guy I have been going on dates with, with my ex. I look at my ex and I say, wow he and I would be so great together. He and I look good together and have chemistry and he is the type of person I would love to be with. I think we could be a great power couple. But then I look at my new guy who isn't my type at all looks wise. He isn't my same nationality. But he is a more stable choice than my ex. He treats me well. He is a loyal to me, from what I know, since we aren't serious yet. He cares about me and he does some things I wish my ex did. But my ex has things I wish this new guy had. I'm afraid that if I pick m ex, and wait around, that I will end up alone, if my ex leaves or never commits and I will lose my new guy as my friend, his friends, and my life will shatter into shambles. But If I chose this new guy, I will lose any chance with my ex forever. This guy I have been dreaming about having back for years now.

[Simon Phoenix]

You don't have any chance with this guy. He knows how you feel but yet he never commits. I'm sorry, but you've been wasting time with this guy for two-plus years and you are going to continue to waste time with him. And now you are going to let another guy who is willing to give you the love that you want go so you can continue to chase the carrot.

 

I mean, at what point do you stop putting your life on hold for a guy that clearly has no interest in moving forward with you?

[kidm]

WOW. No matter how great you get along, no matter how many times he apologizes for hurting you, no matter how "cool and unbothered" you make yourself look to him, HE IS JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

 

I hate to put it bluntly but you need to wake up and move on with your life if you are looking for a loving committed relationship. How can you not see that this guy is never going to commit? For whatever reason, he doesn't see you as a person he wants to be in a relationship with but you don't want to move on. He has friend-zoned you and probably wants to add the sexual benefits part to the friendship. Don't waste any more of your youth on this guy!

 

The question you should be asking yourself is "why am I doing this to myself?"

Edited August 12, 2015 by kidm