Benco Posted June 24, 2015 Share Posted June 24, 2015 Long story short after doing a year of long distance, my girlfriend moved back home. I live in the same city, really close to her parents house. After being home for a few days and having a couple sleepovers, she announced last Monday that she loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore and on Wednesday in person told me that she couldn't see me anymore. I was upset but tried my best to go no contact. on Saturday night stupidly, I invited her to a movie Monday. She took 24 hours to get back to me, but we went to the movie on Monday and had a great time. she was bubbly, all over me and kissed me pretty passionately after the movie but then we went our separate ways. She texted me that night after we got home that she had a lovely time and thanked me. We've since exchanged one text per day since then just about unrelated stuff, she has job interviews, etc. how should I play this situation now - this is the same girl that I used to text with all day every day about what was going on in our lives and this is the girl I waited a year for to actually date. I'm just confused and don't want to make any mistakes. Long time lurker, I can't thank this community enough already. I'm shocked that we went to the movie and had a good time but now I feel like i'm in limbo with her and I don't know how to continue moving forward. Any thoughts / comments / questions would be much appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
loveiswar101 Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 Mmm, bang on with my experience. It seems she is trying to put you in friends zone. Doesn't want the commitment but loves the company and attention. I would back away now and let her chase you, don't make yourself so available. Do things you like and if she comes running back then maybe a chance but don't get hopes up my friend. As say best option, pull away and will see from her reactions what she wants. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 You take her at her word that she doesn't want to date you. The movie kissing was because you are familiar & you were there. No feelings or desires to reconcile accompanied those actions. For your own sanity, stay away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Benco Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 You take her at her word that she doesn't want to date you. The movie kissing was because you are familiar & you were there. No feelings or desires to reconcile accompanied those actions. For your own sanity, stay away. This is kind of what I'm worried about. Update she has been texting me with increased frequency / more herself, or what I'm used to. She agreed to dinner on Friday night, and is even letting me pick her up. (Movie on Monday I met her there, which was weird). Should I draw a red line? What's the best play now that I (stupidly, apparently), agreed to see her again? Cancel? I'm hoping she'll be in a good mood again and want to sleepover tomorrow night after dinner. I guess I'm still confused as to what's really going on in her head. Ben Link to post Share on other sites
pidgeon1010 Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 This is kind of what I'm worried about. Update she has been texting me with increased frequency / more herself, or what I'm used to. She agreed to dinner on Friday night, and is even letting me pick her up. (Movie on Monday I met her there, which was weird). Should I draw a red line? What's the best play now that I (stupidly, apparently), agreed to see her again? Cancel? I'm hoping she'll be in a good mood again and want to sleepover tomorrow night after dinner. I guess I'm still confused as to what's really going on in her head. Ben she doesn't want to date you but is comfortable with you taking her out to the movies, dinner, etc. Sounds like she is using you as a placeholder until she meets someone else. I may be wrong but I don't see this going anywhere. Right now, she is having her a cake and eating it too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Benco Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 she doesn't want to date you but is comfortable with you taking her out to the movies, dinner, etc. Sounds like she is using you as a placeholder until she meets someone else. I may be wrong but I don't see this going anywhere. Right now, she is having her a cake and eating it too. back to my original question then : how should I respond to potentially change the status-quo so to speak? Should I cancel on her for tomorrow night? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Benco Posted June 25, 2015 Author Share Posted June 25, 2015 Also I know it doesn't matter but she still has yet to change her Facebook profile picture of us or our relationship status she's just so weird Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted June 25, 2015 Share Posted June 25, 2015 How about this - during dinner, after an appropriate amount of time for small talk to get comfortable - you tell her that you are "confused." Ask her to explain to you what is going on in her mind regarding this relationship. Nobody my friend, and I mean nobody, wants to be with someone who says to you, "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Translation: "I care about you, I mean, I don't want you to die or anything, but I do not want to be in a romantic relationship with you." So, you can't leave it there. If she restates that position - what do you think you should do? The basis of love is commitment and the basis of commitment is trust. If you do not trust that she is committed to you how can you possibly develop a love relationship? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Thistooshallpass21 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Dude do what you feel is right. You know this girl better than anyone else here does. Yes it is confusing but so is love. I agree with the above comment about having a conversation with her about to see where she really stands. To me it seems this girl's actions and words are conflicting. Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 I'll tell you what to do. Go to that dinner with her, have fun, and in the end if you kiss her, exactly at the point she think's you're all over her, stop right there. smile and take her home with SILENCE! When she asks you what happened, why did you stop, why are you not talking, don't answer. If you want to answer, say something vague like "I don't want to hurt you"... Be misterious, no explanations. Drop her off at her place and that's it! From now on don't answer her texts any more. I don't know what happens next but I can assure you that the "i love you but not in love" is gone for ever. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 I'll tell you what to do. Go to that dinner with her, have fun, and in the end if you kiss her, exactly at the point she think's you're all over her, stop right there. smile and take her home with SILENCE! When she asks you what happened, why did you stop, why are you not talking, don't answer. If you want to answer, say something vague like "I don't want to hurt you"... Be misterious, no explanations. Drop her off at her place and that's it! From now on don't answer her texts any more. I don't know what happens next but I can assure you that the "i love you but not in love" is gone for ever. Bullcrap. Mind games like this, are so immature. Go with GoBlue's suggestion. Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Bullcrap. Mind games like this, are so immature. Go with GoBlue's suggestion. These are not mind games :-) His situation, being captured by HER MIND GAMES, can be fixed with simple NC. Very easy to say, very hard to fulfill. So instead of giving him very good useless advices, I had an idea. He is being manipulated by a pro. If he goes NC he will heal slowly and maybe can't maintain NC. My suggestion is indeed very theatrical, But it will help him to jump to the stage of NC. He will also get some ego boost - Ego boost is a great tool for healing. Anyway, after that he is going NC. So even if he doesn't go well with the theatrical gesture, He will lose nothing. This is a win win. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Benco Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 I really appreciate all of your thoughtful replies. But now I'm more confused than ever, I don't think I have the wherewithal to play mind games with the girl I'm still trying to have sex with. That's my red line in the sand anyway for this evening do you think that's a stupid proposition to play from? I feel like the mind game will just piss her off and that's not what I'm really looking for right now. She is getting on my nerves though because she doesn't text me like she used to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Benco Posted June 26, 2015 Author Share Posted June 26, 2015 Also this is a girl with very little dating and relationship experience so I'm not quite sure why you are casting her as the pro in this situation Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 I'll tell you what to do. Go to that dinner with her, have fun, and in the end if you kiss her, exactly at the point she think's you're all over her, stop right there. smile and take her home with SILENCE! When she asks you what happened, why did you stop, why are you not talking, don't answer. If you want to answer, say something vague like "I don't want to hurt you"... Be misterious, no explanations. Drop her off at her place and that's it! From now on don't answer her texts any more. I don't know what happens next but I can assure you that the "i love you but not in love" is gone for ever. This suggestion from loloblue17 is PERFECT. (Since you already made the dinner date). You have to back off. ILYBINILWY is not a good sign - in fact, it is a terrible sign. No more asking for dates after this. Get out while you are riding the winning horse. You got other plans, "Mystery Man." Get yourself a copy of "Love Must be Tough" by Dobson, (cheap - from Amazon). People want what they cannot have. Stay away for six months at least - and date other girls. She is not for you. Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted June 26, 2015 Share Posted June 26, 2015 Also this is a girl with very little dating and relationship experience so I'm not quite sure why you are casting her as the pro in this situation I'm truely sorry for my confusion. I don't know how, but another thread was mixed in my mind with yours, and i thought your Gf is now with another guy, still with him, but tells you she loves you and promise she will leave him. :eek: Sorry sorry sorry... I think your Gf is very confused herself, that's why you are too. She is probably looking for the spark she had with you. You may give her some time, don't push things. but never be her doormat. Ask yourself how much longer would you agree to be on probation, and go according to that. I mean, people can be confused, especially when you're young, but don't let her drag you too much... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Benco Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 I should've listened more closely to everyone here. Long story short dinner went great she didn't spend the night . She basically forced me to kiss her goodnight when I dropped her off. I was all set to go up to visit my family on Saturday morning but for some reason texted her why aren't you going with me? and she replied I would have go with you if you had just asked me. this kind of confused me and really set me over the edge after I got back from visiting my family. I became clingy again and upset and now we're not talking. No contact - but how long? I'm worried I'll never hear from her again And she still won't change that Facebook picture. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Benco Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 On pins and needles here. Gosh this feels awful. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Jeesh, I'm speechless. She's 20% into you. And you're 80% into her. I'm sorry, I'm going to say it, but the majority of clingy, needy (not to say desperate) people on this forum are young guys. What is it with you all...?! F**k her. Quit this hanging on by a thread, and go out and date, have a drink, go to a club, a ball game, a bowling alley, but fer chrissakes, quit hanging onto nothing! Do your own thing and stop living like this, honestly, the effort and emotional input isn't worth it! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Benco Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 Jeesh, I'm speechless. She's 20% into you. And you're 80% into her. I'm sorry, I'm going to say it, but the majority of clingy, needy (not to say desperate) people on this forum are young guys. What is it with you all...?! F**k her. Quit this hanging on by a thread, and go out and date, have a drink, go to a club, a ball game, a bowling alley, but fer chrissakes, quit hanging onto nothing! Do your own thing and stop living like this, honestly, the effort and emotional input isn't worth it! I'm worried it's 100% over. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 Good. Assume that's exactly what it is. Go No Contact and drop off her radar. Quit chasing her like a lovelorn three-legged puppy and quit whimpering. If curiosity gets the better of her, she will establish contact with you. But don't fall for the 'hey' breadcrumbs. The ones that are just fishing to see if you're still snagged on their hook. Only respond if there is an absolute definite, sincere and earnest wish upon her part to see you again. Leave her alone, ignore, and realise - get this through your head - you are a young, single guy with the world at his feet. Go get some. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I'm worried it's 100% over. So.. you're 100% upset that you can't be her door mat anymore? Really? Where's your pride and confidence? As Tara said F-her! Understand that the majority of people would of vanished from her life after she said she's not in love with you anymore! You did the polar opposite. You kept being her door mat, took her to the movies, dinner, etc.. Come on my man! Grow a pair and VANISH from her life. Don't talk to her again. Find someone else who does want to be your number 1. She's playing you like a violin and YOU'RE allowing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Benco Posted July 1, 2015 Author Share Posted July 1, 2015 (edited) So.. you're 100% upset that you can't be her door mat anymore? Really? Where's your pride and confidence? As Tara said F-her! Understand that the majority of people would of vanished from her life after she said she's not in love with you anymore! You did the polar opposite. You kept being her door mat, took her to the movies, dinner, etc.. Come on my man! Grow a pair and VANISH from her life. Don't talk to her again. Find someone else who does want to be your number 1. She's playing you like a violin and YOU'RE allowing it. I know. I just miss her and want to feel better. How long would you anticipate it would take her to talk to me again? Edited July 1, 2015 by Benco Link to post Share on other sites
Yummm Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I'm sorry you're in the confusion but you're bringing it onto yourself. The mere fact that you are so strung on to her contacting you again will be your downfall. We're all going through this pain but it is how we deal with it that allows us to heal faster than others. Strict NC, this is about YOU not HER, you do not want somebody in your life who treats you like that, the way she's playing you and treating you should be more than enough to turn you off. Who knows the future, you don't know what will happen if/when she re-approaches, but go NC to allow your emotions to heal so that IF something does happen you will be at a more stable emotional state to make rational decisions. Please bro, stop worrying about her, treat it as if it's over (which is is and has been for a while...) and move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 1, 2015 Share Posted July 1, 2015 I know. I just miss her and want to feel better. How long would you anticipate it would take her to talk to me again? Hopefully, several weeks after hell freezes over,.... Link to post Share on other sites
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