Tressugar Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 (edited) I am going through some things right now. I would like to hear from women who've been in my shoes. I'm open to me in if you have good information to pass on. My soon to be ex husband cheated on me when our relationship was at the weakest moment. Yes I can definitely understand how he thought the relationship was over. ( we didn't speak or see each other for months.) I did tell him he needs to find someone else, yes I did do that. That was my ignorance I didn't think he was going to act upon it.), But I can't understand how a child was created. [Redacted pejorative language] He told me that when I was treating him bad, she would treat him good. This woman has harassed me. And he has encouraged her. I don't know how to move forward. She has love for him, he doesn't love her, in fact that whole relationship is over. He looks at her like she is incubating his child. I tell myself the only way I could get over this is to put myself in the same predicament as he put himself. What's the slap in the face out of this situation is that we were in the middle of fertility treatments so I can get pregnant. He told me that this woman all it took was one time to get knocked up. He has genuinely, sincerely, truly apologize from the depths of his heart and I know he means it. He said he never intended for any of this to happen. He is truly sorry for hurting me. He believed our marriage was truly over. He really thought that I fell out of love with him. He says he's very much in love with me and I am his soulmate. I believe him. I feel believe he is the one for me. I still love him very much. In fact it took this whole situation happen before I realized how much I'm in love with him. He wants to reconcile. I am looking for updates. I'm looking for women who has been or is going through the same thing. I need some advice! Thank you I know most of you would say its my fault as my husband is saying. I do take accountability and responsibility for checking out of the relationship whether it be physically, mentally, sexually, emotionally and spiritually. If that is the case, if I'm at fault, I am willing to take ownership of that. Edited May 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 Haven't been in the situation but you really shouldn't let your pride take a hit over this. The OW in your case just attempted to compete with you (as good as she could) and the quick pregnancy was practically the only way for her to "win" - and she even got a child support meal ticket for it, double win! He doesn't want to reconcile out of love, he wants to reconcile because he's afraid of the new situation ahead of him and is looking for security (= you). Giving you details like "she got knocked up at the first time" is just his way of messing with your head, just like he messed with OWs head by telling her random private things about you. Plus, OW will be in the picture forever now. Do you want to spend your afternoons with someone who harasses you and the resulting child in your house? Plus the ever-remaining chance of another affair to begin (since his AP will conveniently always be around)? Proceed with the divorce, cease all contact and never look back. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tressugar Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 Sounds to me you are being honest here with the low point in your marriage. To be honest, not sure that if a Child hadn't come into this picture that you would even so much as desire him. Now that there is a prize in all this....(the child), game on.... Sad that it has to be a life of an innocent child.... Anyways...get counseling and remain neutral on ANY decision involving rekindling your marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 I can definitely understand how he thought the relationship was over. ( we didn't speak or see each other for months.) I did tell him he needs to find someone else, yes I did do that. That was my ignorance I didn't think he was going to act upon it.) I know most of you would say its my fault as my husband is saying. I do take accountability and responsibility for checking out of the relationship whether it be physically, mentally, sexually, emotionally and spiritually. If that is the case, if I'm at fault, I am willing to take ownership of that. It is the case. It is a rare person that will stay in a marriage where the other has turned on them, shut down communication, flipped it into platonic roommates who subsidize their living style and then told to go elsewhere for intimacy. All of your actions that you've described above say that you wanted to be left alone. I think you've handily acquitted yourself on that. Your best course of action is to follow through on the divorce. There is no reason on earth to want all of the drama their situation brings to be in your space. His child will always be a reminder to you of this incident and that child has a right to a relationship with its father and not bear the brunt of your displeasure at its existence, as he/she had no say-so in her/his creation. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 I'm just wondering if a marriage that wasn't so solid can survive the added pressure of an OC (other child ). Some of what you can expect ate: Your H going back to her Her demanding additional child support Denying visitation Harrassibg you because she's been dumped Using the child to get him back Prepare for : A minimum of 18 years child support Having the child around, which will be a living reminder of his infide Reconciliation is VERY difficult with an OC, because your H usually has to deal with the mother. It's a shame because she probably thought your marriage was over. I'll never understand why women don't ensure they have a fully available man before getting pregnant. I know it takes two, but when you're left holding the baby, you should be very wise. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 I see. So he had his fun and now that he was stupid enough to get her pregnant and the fun is over, suddenly he doesn't want her anymore and you're looking real good to him. I wouldn't spit on this guy if he were on fire. I'd be at my lawyer's tomorrow morning. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 Also, should you take him back and he looses his job someday, the child support would be taken from your bank account if he can't afford it. Link to post Share on other sites
Noirek Posted May 29, 2015 Share Posted May 29, 2015 I'm a little confused at this story. -your marriage was basically over -you didn't speak or see each other for months -at some point you actually gave him permission to find someone else. -But you were getting fertility treatments to get pregnant (pretty hard to do when not seeing each other) -your H is truly sorry -your husband says it is your fault Could you perhaps give a better timeline for the first part. And by the last part do you mean your husband is sorry for his part (acting on your permission) but wants you to be sorry for your part? Or do you mean he isn't really sorry and places all the blame on you? Link to post Share on other sites
adna89 Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 I would not even call this infidelity.If my husband who i never see almost told me its over and that i need to find someone else i would consider my self single 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 He wants to reconcile. My only observation is, were you to reconcile, your life together would look very different going forward. What was previously (for better or worse) a singular focus on your issues as a couple ranging from fertility to compatibility will now be divided and split. Custody, visitation, step-parenting, communication and regular interactions with her will be on the daily menu. And that's if everything goes smoothly - if not, add attorneys, legal fees, drama and acrimony to the list. Think long and hard... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Also, should you take him back and he looses his job someday, the child support would be taken from your bank account if he can't afford it. Depending on where you live, the CS comes from the father's salary. Not from his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 If you really did not speak with him for months and told him it was over, i can't see how this was cheating. It was a lot of things, including stupid, reckless, irresponsible ... but it was not cheating and i honestly can't see what your beef is with it. I also agree that you have in a way gotten yourself off easy, but not knowing you i don't know if this normal for you or if it was a one-time thing. I also, honestly do not understand why he wants to get back with you. So some information might be needed : - the age of all parties involved [including the other woman] - how much money do you individually make and what are the prospects of the other woman [is she college educated, how much can/will she make] 1 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 I have one question: were you legally separated or divorced? If the answer is no, then it really matters not what either of you said or did in anger. He had sex with another woman while married. That is cheating. Period. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 You two need to let each other go. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 When you tell your spouse to go and find someone else? I really don't agree that thisis your classic case of cheating. Swinging, threesomes or one sided open relationships aren't considered cheating because the spouse knows. This is no different. Just because you didn't think he'd do it, doesn't mean it's cheating. Not that it's been said, but I also don't think the woman is a typical OW. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 It might not have been cheating but I still don't see the point in getting back together when they were basically already apart and he got someone else pregnant in that time. The fact that he suddenly comes rushing back home after getting himself into trouble is pathetic. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Well since the soon to be ex H wants her back, but isn't here to explain why, I still don't see why the OP would want to take back a man she has said the marriage was over I gave him a go ahead to screw someone else they have been in NC for months... Never mind what the H thinks, why do YOU want him back? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Babs22 Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 I am going through some things right now. I would like to hear from women who've been in my shoes. I'm open to me in if you have good information to pass on. My soon to be ex husband cheated on me when our relationship was at the weakest moment. Yes I can definitely understand how he thought the relationship was over. ( we didn't speak or see each other for months.) I did tell him he needs to find someone else, yes I did do that. That was my ignorance I didn't think he was going to act upon it.), But I can't understand how a child was created. [Redacted pejorative language] He told me that when I was treating him bad, she would treat him good.This woman has harassed me. And he has encouraged her. I don't know how to move forward. She has love for him, he doesn't love her, in fact that whole relationship is over. He looks at her like she is incubating his child. I tell myself the only way I could get over this is to put myself in the same predicament as he put himself. What's the slap in the face out of this situation is that we were in the middle of fertility treatments so I can get pregnant. He told me that this woman all it took was one time to get knocked up. He has genuinely, sincerely, truly apologize from the depths of his heart and I know he means it. He said he never intended for any of this to happen. He is truly sorry for hurting me. He believed our marriage was truly over. He really thought that I fell out of love with him. He says he's very much in love with me and I am his soulmate. I believe him. I feel believe he is the one for me. I still love him very much. In fact it took this whole situation happen before I realized how much I'm in love with him. He wants to reconcile. I am looking for updates. I'm looking for women who has been or is going through the same thing. I need some advice! Thank you I know most of you would say its my fault as my husband is saying. I do take accountability and responsibility for checking out of the relationship whether it be physically, mentally, sexually, emotionally and spiritually. If that is the case, if I'm at fault, I am willing to take ownership of that. This is definitely not the usual case of someone cheating and I don't think this is a case where everyone should just jump in and say, leave him, he cheated, its over. This sounds pretty complicated. I do have a few questions that might help clarify your situation so we understand better what is happening. I bolded the statements you made that brought questions to my mind about this. You said you were separated for a few months with no contact (it may not have been a legal separation, but it seems as though it was intentional). How long was this separation? Who instigated the separation and why? I think if we knew the motive and what was going on prior to the separation it might shed some light. You told him he should go find someone else. Why did you do that? Did you feel that your marriage was over? Did you feel like it was over because of something he did or did you feel it was over because you didn't know if you loved him? You said you were in the middle of fertility treatments. I am assuming these treatments were prior to your separation. Did this cause the separation? Finally, you said this, "In fact it took this whole situation happen before I realized how much I'm in love with him." Were you thinking before the separation that you were not in love with him anymore? Is this why you "checked out of the relationship" and separated. Did you "check out of the relationship" prior to the separation? I realize there is a child involved now, and that may complicate things. Can you find it in your heart to love this child if you and your husband reconcile and he decides to be a present father in the child's life. I do believe it could work if you could truly forgive your husband. As far as financial obligations, I would expect anyone would want a father to fulfill those. You and your H could keep separate bank accounts if you were worried about your money supporting the child. I think you really wanted to hear from someone else who might have been in your type of situation where the OW is giving birth to a child. I hope you can find someone to give you that view point. I don't think any of us here on LS have enough info about your particular situation to state if you should stay and reconcile or divorce and move on. I don't even think you really asked for that opinion. You have stated that you now realize you love your husband and that your husband loves you, so what happens next is up to you two. I would recommend that you guys have MC and possibly IC to get the bottom of the reason for the separation and how to move forward since there is now a child involved. It is not only your fault that this has happened and your H needs to stop saying it is. I don't know how you "checked out of the relationship", but you both played a role and he needs to except his responsibility in this as well. I do not think your M is definitely over. I could see possibility for a reconciliation. I think you will only know through MC for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 I've been in your shoes and sadly it didn't work out too well for anyone involved. I have lots of advice I could give you but I need to know one thing... How strongly do you feel about making your marriage work with him moving forward? I ask that because without a strong will on both of your parts to make this work, it won't work. You'll have to be very open about what is acceptable, what isn't and find a way to make amends yourself directly with the woman who is carrying his child. If she isn't willing to work with you both to make this a good situation all around for the child because she still wants him back, then it won't work out well for you. It IS possible for it to work out, but the odds are stacked against you. Is your marriage to him strong enough to handle all that? Link to post Share on other sites
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