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I'm scared that I'm reading into this incorrectly, am I?


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Hi All, hoping you could give me some advice.

 

I was in a relationship with a girl for a year. I'm a bit older than her but we connected like I have never connected before. PS I have a had a few relationships , including marriage but this had no comparison. To keep it as short as possible we both said we loved each other, right up-to the day before we split. Every split is complicated as it has two sides to the story, but lets just say it was because of the age difference and what she thought was acceptable and what I thought was not, due to being in a relationship.

 

In todays world it seems okay to finish a relationship by text or un-friending me on facebook which is what she did. The first week of seperation, I did send her a couple of texts to say - that what ever happens I'd love her to bits forever. Since then "No Contact" from either. Her facebook still shows intimate photo's of me and her, it still show's her life event being in a relationship with me. Her relationship status is stated as non disclosed. She has always deleted pics and life events with all ex's.

 

Yes, I know your all going to say you can't read into those facebook stats/pics. But now she has accepted an invite to an event that she would know, before she accepted that I am going to.

 

I love her to bits and as mentioned "If you have ever experienced a connection" that you can talk about anything together, do anything together, feel anything together. You will know that I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm reading into this incorrectly.

 

PS for her to come to this event she would seriously have to go out of her way as she lives out of town and doesn't have transport.

 

Any small pieces of advice would appreciated

 

Thanks ALL x

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forumman83

It's done man. Forget the connection. Time to start NC immediately. Block or unfollow her on FB and begin the healing process.

 

 

Everyone thinks their situation is the EXCEPTION to the NC rule but it NEVER is. For instance, you probably think that "because of the connection" or "because she hasn't taken the photos down" that there is still hope. Wrong.

 

 

The only hope you have is to move on and become the attractive guy you were when you met her. That's gonna take a while.

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SolidGoldTurd
Hi All, hoping you could give me some advice.

 

The first week of seperation, I did send her a couple of texts to say - that what ever happens I'd love her to bits forever.

 

 

Basically instead of telling you don't want to be friends and walking away, you chose to shower her with pathetic messages of hope and bargaining hoping she'd take you.

 

Dude, the first thing you've got to realise is that she needs space. NC is the NUMBER 1 priority right now. Let's be honest here, it was more than just "two" texts.

 

 

 

Since then "No Contact" from either

 

 

Good, at least you've realised the error in your ways.

 

Her facebook still shows intimate photo's of me and her, it still show's her life event being in a relationship with me. Her relationship status is stated as non disclosed. She has always deleted pics and life events with all ex's.

 

 

This is where you're going to get hurt. She has deleted the pictures. Just go make yourself a fake account, and you'll notice they're gone.

 

 

 

 

 

The one thing I recommend right now is to go No Contact COMPLETELY.

 

Let her miss you, let her wonder if she was right to break up ... but more importantly, improve your life, go hook up with other girls ... you're free to do so now.

 

if your ex has any attraction left, she'll reach out.

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SolidGoldTurd
It's done man. Forget the connection. Time to start NC immediately. Block or unfollow her on FB and begin the healing process.

 

 

Blocking someone on FB is immature.

 

I'm assuming OP wants to try and get her back ... blocking would be a stupid thing to do.

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It's done man. Forget the connection. Time to start NC immediately. Block or unfollow her on FB and begin the healing process.

 

 

Everyone thinks their situation is the EXCEPTION to the NC rule but it NEVER is. For instance, you probably think that "because of the connection" or "because she hasn't taken the photos down" that there is still hope. Wrong.

 

 

The only hope you have is to move on and become the attractive guy you were when you met her. That's gonna take a while.

 

Disagree... there are exceptions.

 

I went through something similar, I couldn't get the time of day, talk or text her. She totally shut me out and started going out with others. I wanted her back a lot and got some advise on getting the ex back. (lots of it out there).

 

I let the NC run for a few weeks. Heard from friends that she asked about me, how I was doing, etc. Sent her flowers. She eventually "allowed" me to talk to her for 5 minutes. Didn't get very far, so let things ride a little longer. I did change some things that she didn't like, and after a few weeks we met for lunch. A week later, it was another lunch, then dinner at my place, and then her place, and in a few more days I moved back in with her.

 

So..... unless your KNOW that she is without a question of the doubt, done with you, it's worth exploring getting back together, you never know. However, there's some do's and don'ts in going thru that.

Edited by OldRover
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SolidGoldTurd
Disagree... there are exceptions.

 

I went through something similar, I couldn't get the time of day, talk or text her. She totally shut me out and started going out with others. I wanted her back a lot and got some advise on getting the ex back. (lots of it out there).

 

I let the NC run for a few weeks. Heard from friends that she asked about me, how I was doing, etc. Sent her flowers. She eventually "allowed" me to talk to her for 5 minutes. Didn't get very far, so let things ride a little longer. I did change some things that she didn't like, and after a few weeks we met for lunch. A week later, it was another lunch, then dinner at my place, and then her place, and in a few more days I moved back in with her.

 

So..... unless your KNOW that she is without a question of the doubt, done with you, it's worth exploring getting back together, you never know. However, there's some do's and don'ts in going thru that.

 

 

Although I would never even dare get back the way you did ... I respect your work and effort.

 

How long have you been together since the break up?

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Although I would never even dare get back the way you did ... I respect your work and effort.

 

How long have you been together since the break up?

 

After we got together I tried to solve the problems we had from the first split up... counseling, lots of effort, and did not succeed. We lasted 7 more months and l left her again, a lot of it just wonderful, but the serious part of a LTR just wasn't there, and I was looking for permanence, not just a few years. Just could not come to a solution. She was a wonderful lady and I loved her dearly, intimacy was wonderful and she was very attractive. But she had a very questionable past, with lots of problems with husbands and relationships. When we met some 8 years ago, she was breaking up a engagement that wasn't working, and had 4 serious relationships since.... not a good sign. She just couldn't trust men, would become violent and hateful at times, and loving at other times, and I couldn't live with that. Thats life, but over forever. Never going back.

 

Much happier now, and not nearly the stress.

 

But the point was the sometimes you can get back with an ex. But after you're there, it take two to make it last.

Edited by OldRover
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Mrlonelyone

OP Facebook is neither here no there.

 

My last ex blocked me off her FB all the meanwhile we were hanging out, meeting family and friends etc aka dating.

 

A persons social media is a false image showing the world what a person wants the world to think of them very few people are totally honest on FB.

 

 

Right now her showing your images as being in a relationship is all about having that social status. It can be wrenching to go through changing it. She very likely will change it.

 

Like others have said don't block her, stop yourself from looking at her social media, do not initiate contact. Mentally block and ignore her and move on. Somewhere in the world there is a woman who will be totally crazy about you could be this ex, could be someone else.

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I love her to bits and as mentioned *"If you have ever experienced a connection" that you can talk about anything together, do anything together, feel anything together. You will know that I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm reading into this incorrectly.

 

Thanks ALL x

 

*If you really did have the wonderful connection that you *think* you have, you would be happily living together and you wouldn't be here asking for advice.

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OP, what exactly are you reading into? That she's going to an event you'll be attending as well?

 

I don't understand how this has relevance after she's broken up with you -- why the confusion? Do you think this is her way of wanting to reconcile.... really? It seems like a ridiculously roundabout way of trying to reach out to you, when she could just text you or call at any time.

 

I don't see where there's any mixed messages from her, other than what you're imagining based on things you've seen on her Facebook wall.

 

You should block her and stop torturing yourself with her online activities. If she ever wants to get back together, she'll let you know.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Good luck to you! :)

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SolidGoldTurd

You should block her and stop torturing yourself with her online activities. If she ever wants to get back together, she'll let you know.

 

 

Why block her if you're hoping to rekindle stuff lol ...

 

It's such a stupid thing to do ... it literally tells them "I'm done, I'm moving on and I don't want to hear from you again"

 

OP at the very most, you should remove her as a friend ... this tells her "I'm moving on, but I'm open to communication".

 

During NC, if she reaches out ... ask her out. Simple.

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Yes, much better to leave the door open so she can torment him with breadcrumbs whenever she's feeling lonely/bored. :laugh:

 

OP, all blocking does is make you less convenient. She can't reach you with the touch of a button anymore. But anyone who's motivated to contact you can work around any block.

 

The point of it is that they can't PRETEND to contact you "casually" anymore. It weeds out exes who aren't really interested in reconciling but are just looking for company or a quick ego fix.

 

Which is a good thing, considering how many dumpers will send out meaningless forms of contact to reassure themselves their ex is still standing by as a Plan B.

 

;)

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Mrlonelyone
Yes, much better to leave the door open so she can torment him with breadcrumbs whenever she's feeling lonely/bored. :laugh:

 

OP, all blocking does is make you less convenient. She can't reach you with the touch of a button anymore. But anyone who's motivated to contact you can work around any block.

 

The point of it is that they can't PRETEND to contact you "casually" anymore. It weeds out exes who aren't really interested in reconciling but are just looking for company or a quick ego fix.

 

Which is a good thing, considering how many dumpers will send out meaningless forms of contact to reassure themselves their ex is still standing by as a Plan B.

 

;)

 

 

While it is true a person who is motivated can get around any block, find your number even if you change it, etc. 99.99% of people would call doing so stalking or harassment unless you respond to them.

 

All we are saying is he has to be strong enough to simply ignore her. He has to be strong enough to unfriend her on FB and not let her both dump him and pretend to the world that he's still her boyfriend.

 

If they are under 25 I'd bet money that she will come back to him if he does that. Right now she's getting to have her cake and eat it too.

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OP--go to the event. Be cordial if you see her. Keep it breezy and light. Do not hover over her or try to corner her with pleads of "whyyyyyyyy?"

 

Do not go to this event with a set of expectations that most likely will not pan out. Keep yourself occupied and out of eye-sight from her at the event. When it is over, leave and do not make a show of your departure.

 

Keep things moving. If she is in any ways interested in rekindling anything, she will contact you within a week because you blew her expectations of you acting over-wrought over the demise of your relationship--even if you are, don't play that card in public. If she's not interested, you won't hear from her and you can definitely then block her so that you aren't emotionally kneecapping yourself by creeping her FB page and posts.

 

If she wants you back, she will let you know. It's not down to you trying to get her back--she has to be willing to want to come back for that to work. Right now, every indications is telling you that she doesn't want to come back.

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SolidGoldTurd
While it is true a person who is motivated can get around any block, find your number even if you change it, etc. 99.99% of people would call doing so stalking or harassment unless you respond to them.

 

All we are saying is he has to be strong enough to simply ignore her. He has to be strong enough to unfriend her on FB and not let her both dump him and pretend to the world that he's still her boyfriend.

 

If they are under 25 I'd bet money that she will come back to him if he does that. Right now she's getting to have her cake and eat it too.

 

Agreed. All this "breadcrumb" bull**** is embarrassing.

 

Like Corey Wayne says: ASSUME when an ex contacts you she wants to see you and ask her out. If she declines, she's not interested and you can move on ... if she accepts then there's a chance of rekindling.

 

 

Unfriending an ex is the more mature way to go about it.

 

Blocking someone, is stupid and childish - especially if you're hoping for reconciliation.

 

Don't bull**** yourself.

 

 

 

P.S OP ... NEVER, I repeat NEVER take advice on a woman from another women (i.e Ruby) ... true ****.

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P.S OP ... NEVER, I repeat NEVER take advice on a woman from another women (i.e Ruby) ... true ****.

 

Honestly, the first time you made this sexist remark, I let it pass -- but this is just unacceptable.

 

Even for a solid gold turd. :sick:

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OP--go to the event. Be cordial if you see her. Keep it breezy and light. Do not hover over her or try to corner her with pleads of "whyyyyyyyy?"

 

 

 

 

...............

 

 

 

If she wants you back, she will let you know. It's not down to you trying to get her back--she has to be willing to want to come back for that to work. Right now, every indications is telling you that she doesn't want to come back.

 

I'm not sure that is totally correct. I've reconnected a few times with exs, and twice they clearly acted like it was permanently the end, and only responded after I pursued them. Didn't go nuts over it, but simple worked on getting a coffee date for starters and going from there.

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<<<Originally Posted by SolidGoldTurd View Post

P.S OP ... NEVER, I repeat NEVER take advice on a woman from another women (i.e Ruby) ... true ****..>>>>

 

Honestly, the first time you made this sexist remark, I let it pass -- but this is just unacceptable.

 

Even for a solid gold turd. :sick:

 

I don't think we could call this totally unacceptable, even though it may have come across as such, however, there certainly could be caution getting advise from men OR women. They DO NOT think alike.

 

And, I've gotten the absolute WORSE advise from women on women that I've ever gotten, just horrible advise. Never that bad from a guy. However, I've got a lady friend whose advise on women is spot on, and given genuinely, and has helped me through some very difficult times. (I have reciprocated).

 

So.... caution advised.

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<<<Originally Posted by SolidGoldTurd View Post

P.S OP ... NEVER, I repeat NEVER take advice on a woman from another women (i.e Ruby) ... true ****..>>>>

 

 

 

I don't think we could call this totally unacceptable, even though it may have come across as such, however, there certainly could be caution getting advise from men OR women. They DO NOT think alike.

 

And, I've gotten the absolute WORSE advise from women on women that I've ever gotten, just horrible advise. Never that bad from a guy. However, I've got a lady friend whose advise on women is spot on, and given genuinely, and has helped me through some very difficult times. (I have reciprocated).

 

So.... caution advised.

 

Yes, much better to take the advice of guys like Corey Wayne! They really know what they're talking about.... and have the results to prove it. :laugh:

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Simon Phoenix
I'm not sure that is totally correct. I've reconnected a few times with exs, and twice they clearly acted like it was permanently the end, and only responded after I pursued them. Didn't go nuts over it, but simple worked on getting a coffee date for starters and going from there.

 

And how did those work out? No offense dude, but your method seems to be more about short-term gratification than long-term success. That's fine if you are looking for a bang here and there, but if you have greater long-term goals it's definitely much, much better for both parties to separate, figure out what they need to figure out and then the breaking party (the dumper) to be the one to make the move. The one with the flowers, you said you slowly got back, then realized that nothing had changed with her. Well, yeah, obviously, why would she need to change when she knew she could break up with you and you'd be chasing after her with flowers? I wouldn't evolve for you either in that situation if I was her.

 

Advising the dumpee to chase after the dumper is like advising people to go all in before the river in Texas Hold-Em with a gut-shot straight draw. Sure, you might catch the occasional nut straight on the river, but the odds of you going broke are much, much higher. And even if you win that particular pot, you're almost assured of losing the tournament.

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Simon Phoenix

As for the women giving advice about other women, I will say that some women do give horrible advice about women. A lot of women give advice based on a) what they think you want to hear instead of what you need to hear or b) they give advice based on how they would react if someone they were interested in acted a certain way instead of considering the situation at face value. That being said, many women give very good advice on women and SolidGoldTurd probably should be a bit more diplomatic instead of going for the "you're stupid"-type kill shot to try to make his point like tends to be his MO. That tends to undermine his arguments a bit.

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And how did those work out? No offense dude, but your method seems to be more about short-term gratification than long-term success. That's fine if you are looking for a bang here and there, but if you have greater long-term goals it's definitely much, much better for both parties to separate, figure out what they need to figure out and then the breaking party (the dumper) to be the one to make the move. The one with the flowers, you said you slowly got back, then realized that nothing had changed with her. Well, yeah, obviously, why would she need to change when she knew she could break up with you and you'd be chasing after her with flowers? I wouldn't evolve for you either in that situation if I was her.

 

Advising the dumpee to chase after the dumper is like advising people to go all in before the river in Texas Hold-Em with a gut-shot straight draw. Sure, you might catch the occasional nut straight on the river, but the odds of you going broke are much, much higher. And even if you win that particular pot, you're almost assured of losing the tournament.

 

Simon,

 

Well, first of all, I was the Dumper. I would have loved to have her talk it out with me and work on an issue we had. She didn't do that at all and became very angry and violent when I left. I thought it was permanently over. However, after some counseling and thinking, I felt it was worth another shot. Neither one of use were looking for a short term bang here and there, and wasn't the way we pursued a mate. The flowers broke the ice... however, very slowly, but a start.

 

The results worked very well, but was never able to totally solve the issue we had and it was a show stopper, that I couldn't live with.... maybe she could but I doubt it. I ended up leaving her 7 months later and we both knew it wouldn't work. We did try, however, and some of the time together was great and not regrettable at all. I'm hoping, when the healing is totally done, and we don't hate each other I can see her without throwing bricks at each other and just say hi. Overall, she is very nice and very socialable. Living with her is a different matter.

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Simon Phoenix
Simon,

 

Well, first of all, I was the Dumper. I would have loved to have her talk it out with me and work on an issue we had. She didn't do that at all and became very angry and violent when I left. I thought it was permanently over. However, after some counseling and thinking, I felt it was worth another shot. Neither one of use were looking for a short term bang here and there, and wasn't the way we pursued a mate. The flowers broke the ice... however, very slowly, but a start.

 

The results worked very well, but was never able to totally solve the issue we had and it was a show stopper, that I couldn't live with.... maybe she could but I doubt it. I ended up leaving her 7 months later and we both knew it wouldn't work. We did try, however, and some of the time together was great and not regrettable at all. I'm hoping, when the healing is totally done, and we don't hate each other I can see her without throwing bricks at each other and just say hi. Overall, she is very nice and very socialable. Living with her is a different matter.

 

You were the dumper? Well, that changes the whole dynamic of your advice. First of all, I apologize for assuming that you were the dumpee -- obviously that changes a bit of the scope of what I posted above. There's a huge difference between a dumpee acting like it's "permanently over" because they are having an emotional reaction to being hurt than a dumper acting like it's "permanently done" because they've pulled the cord and checked out. It's the difference between being the executioner and the executed.

 

That being said, the way you acted as the dumper was completely appropriate for someone who wanted reconciliation. It was up to you to do the work and make the effort because you were the one who broke the relationship. While you might have had legitimate reasons for breaking that relationship, it is up to you to do the legwork to accomplish that and you sound like you did. So kudos for not being flaky about it. And the way your dumpee reacting was completely legitimate in making you prove your sincerity.

 

But where you sort of go off the rails in my opinion (mean no disrespect) is giving dumpees this advice based on your experiences as a dumper. It's an apples-oranges dynamic. Your methodology was tough as a dumper -- as a dumpee it's basically walking on shards of glass then being clocked in the face with a baseball bat. I guess my suggestion would be to explain that you were the dumper prior to telling your story. That distinction completely changes the perspective of your advice, and I don't think it applies to the majority of the dumpees on this site, ones who are still emotionally tattered and recovering from the rejection. Just my two cents.

Edited by Simon Phoenix
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You were the dumper? Well, that changes the whole dynamic of your advice. First of all, I apologize for assuming that you were the dumpee -- obviously that changes a bit of the scope of what I posted above. There's a huge difference between a dumpee acting like it's "permanently over" because they are having an emotional reaction to being hurt than a dumper acting like it's "permanently done" because they've pulled the cord and checked out. It's the difference between being the executioner and the executed.

 

That being said, the way you acted as the dumper was completely appropriate for someone who wanted reconciliation. It was up to you to do the work and make the effort because you were the one who broke the relationship. While you might have had legitimate reasons for breaking that relationship, it is up to you to do the legwork to accomplish that and you sound like you did. So kudos for not being flaky about it. And the way your dumpee reacting was completely legitimate in making you prove your sincerity.

 

But where you sort of go off the rails in my opinion (mean no disrespect) is giving dumpees this advice based on your experiences as a dumper. It's an apples-oranges dynamic. Your methodology was tough as a dumper -- as a dumpee it's basically walking on shards of glass then being clocked in the face with a baseball bat. I guess my suggestion would be to explain that you were the dumper prior to telling your story. That distinction completely changes the perspective of your advice, and I don't think it applies to the majority of the dumpees on this site, ones who are still emotionally tattered and recovering from the rejection. Just my two cents.

 

Simon,

 

I need to apologize for not clarifying that. Sorry. Perhaps, unusual, my experience being on both sides of the fence is that the emotions and feelings of ending regardless of which side you're on is very similar. There's a few that don't match up that way and the relationship simply deteriorates until one just has had enough. Now, if a "great" relationship breaks up because one finds another, I can't help believing that the relationship wasn't damaged somewhat prior to, and perhaps could have been saved with some work on both sides.

 

But there's situations in what you mention probably happened, where the dumped is totally blindsided, but hard to believe that both don't find some sense that things aren't going right.

 

In two cases where I was the dumper, I was more emotionally hurt that my mate, but felt there were insurmountable obstacles that would prevent a permanent think, that would not be solved.

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SolidGoldTurd
Yes, much better to take the advice of guys like Corey Wayne! They really know what they're talking about.... and have the results to prove it. :laugh:

 

Corey Wayne has far more results then all the men in this damn forum put together ;)

 

He's had 10 years in the real world, whilst you've been on hear giving "perfect" advice ... :laugh:

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