Proper response to unwanted reconnection

[davemag]

So, after 21 years, my ex contacts me for the first time since our college years. In her e-mail, she cited a sense of nostalgia as a reason to be in touch. Our relationship ended when, after I became ill with a temporary but serious eye condition, she left me for another man while I was recovering. Then, when I wouldn't go along with remaining her friend while she was with a new guy (whom she eventually married), she told me she 'never wanted to speak to me again.' That was the last time we spoke, in 1994. She suffers from both bulimia and bipolar disorder, refusing to take her medicine because it dulls her creative instincts.

 

I have no interest in reconnecting with her. Now that I've been given the opportunity, should I tell her what I really feel about her? Write a one-line message telling her coldly to disappear? Not reply at all? She's persistent enough that she was in touch with a mutual friend to try and reach me when I didn't reply initially.

 

I sometimes think that there are a few people in everyone's life that we're better off never having met. That's certainly how I feel about her. Her poisonous nature trumps whatever good times we had, and I have never on any day during the past two decades thought about contacting her. What's the best approach now?

[SoleMate]

I think you should maintain your 21-year-long NC policy. Ignore all attempts to contact. This is for your peace of mind.

[jen1447]

21 years is a long time, a lot of water under the bridge. Sounds like how she rolled was pretty tactless/careless. You're two decades out and I assume have no desire/need to take on a friend with psychological issues as a charity case.

 

I'd just not reply. It's crappy to do that to someone after 2 months, but not 21 years.

 

(Oh and resist the temptation to tell her off. Nothing good will come of it.)

[Mrlonelyone]

You could tell her to go straight to h_ll if that would make you feel better. From what you tell us she's a bipolar, bullimic, who abandoned you when you were down.

 

Now that she's done making some other guy's life a living hell for 21 years she contacts you. She needs to GTFO.

 

If you really want to send a message get a judicial restraining order against her. Really drive the stake right through her heart.

[davemag]

I've definitely thought about being very candid. She's narcissistic enough that any attention, even bad attention, keeps her coming back for more. And you're right about her making life miserable for her husband--she threw a chair at him through the apartment wall years ago, I'm told. I'm certainly better off without her, but, at the time, she hurt me big time, and there's a part of me that would like to tell her and at least hold her a bit accountable. But my instinct is that no contact with her is the way to go.

[Satu]

So, after 21 years, my ex contacts me for the first time since our college years. In her e-mail, she cited a sense of nostalgia as a reason to be in touch. Our relationship ended when, after I became ill with a temporary but serious eye condition, she left me for another man while I was recovering. Then, when I wouldn't go along with remaining her friend while she was with a new guy (whom she eventually married), she told me she 'never wanted to speak to me again.' That was the last time we spoke, in 1994. She suffers from both bulimia and bipolar disorder, refusing to take her medicine because it dulls her creative instincts.

 

I have no interest in reconnecting with her. Now that I've been given the opportunity, should I tell her what I really feel about her? Write a one-line message telling her coldly to disappear? Not reply at all? She's persistent enough that she was in touch with a mutual friend to try and reach me when I didn't reply initially.

 

I sometimes think that there are a few people in everyone's life that we're better off never having met. That's certainly how I feel about her. Her poisonous nature trumps whatever good times we had, and I have never on any day during the past two decades thought about contacting her. What's the best approach now?

 

Just maintain no contact.

 

She's caused you enough upset.

[FortunateSon]

Keep no contact, ignoring her will tell her everything she needs to know.

[todreaminblue]

If she is persistent....then i think you have to deal with it....wish her well say that part of our lives is over you need to move on i wont be with you again we didnt work out for a reason....we need to move on ...good bye...dont be mean or cold or callous .....just firm....deb

[Mrlonelyone]

Send a cease and desist letter. If she keeps coming after that then get a stalking no contact order.

[66Charger]

You should reply and this is what you should say

 

"There are some people in life that it would have been better if you had never met and you are one of them. Your poisonous nature trumps every good time that we have ever shared. Never in the last two decades have I had a single thought of contacting or reconciling with you and I don't intend to start"

 

Read that somewhere

Edited May 21, 2015 by 66Charger

[todreaminblue]

Just a suggestion....take into account she probably still has a mental illness...and treat her accordingly ....not with ridicule or derision but with firmness and compassion...and yes being firm and compassionate.....(even though she wasnt that way with you....she was ill mentally and emotionally)and knowing you cant see her is what must get through ...not cruelty..nastiness doesnt gain you brownie points with a person who suffers from a mental illness.....and revenge is not a good precedent for you to set with a person who has a mental illness.....wont do you well........deb

[No Limit]

Bipolar? Then she's looking for an affair partner. Dodged a big bullet there.

And the answer is simple - no answer at all. You don't react and delete the message instead, and should she continue writing you mails you block her. A different but very effective method would be finding out where she lives and sending these mails to her husband, but to be honest that's too much effort when you alreaday have 21 years of NC under your belt. Delete and forget.

[erklat]

Everything except completely ignoring her is too much effort here.

Including opening thread here.

 

Don't reply. Justifying your actions is weak.

[Tayla]

I once was asked if I had changed since I was 18. I said, of course!

Think about it, because 20 years equals much changes. Yet you are formulating a judgment that was from 20 years ago. Now granted if you haven't changed... then yeah... keep her at a distance.

You are given an opportunity here, yet are carrying the negative, instead of accepting the unknown and the off chance that she may well have some positive qualities all these years later.

[aloneinaz]

Personally, to forgive and forget is a good thing. This transpired two decades ago when you were both very young. You know she's dealing with a pretty horrific condition. I'd forgive her and NOT reply to any contact from her what so ever. You're only opening a can of worms here.

[davemag]

I certainly don't carry any active grudges around, though I also don't think one should excuse--or forget--bad treatment. Being young, I was out of my depths and let the relationship go on for too long, in the sense that she really took advantage of me at the time, piling on all kinds of work and requests on me that went beyond the reasonable. I bent over backwards to please her, which was a near-impossible task.

 

So, while I am certainly different two decades later, my opinions about the relationship haven't changed much. I've been unwavering in my view that I was never going to contact her. I wish her no harm, but I don't wish for her company either. Life without her has gone along just fine, and happily so.

 

Of course, in my youth and inexperience, there was a time when I could have wound up married to her. It came closer to happening than I'd like to admit, and she was definitely one to use pressure and guilt to get what she wanted. So perhaps I'm very lucky that this other guy came along.

[Tayla]

sounds that way. So be it. Let your opinion stand . just think you are missing a chance to re examine that past. You might be surprised at all the facts that would come to the surface. but something tells me you quite like keeping the past... in the past. Best to you.

[davemag]

I do, by the way, want to thank all of you for commenting. This tempest in a teapot really threw me for a loop today, and your feedback and attention has provided me with a forum in which to think. I do tend to trust my own instincts, but it means a lot to have people comment in constructive fashion--contrary to the reputation the Internet often gets. I think it was the novelist Jeanette Winterson who said that everyone in their life has at least one person they can't be sensible about. At least in my life at one time, she was that person. It is instructive and generative to have others, whom I surely will never meet, to provide guidance. I really appreciate it.

[aloneinaz]

I certainly don't carry any active grudges around, though I also don't think one should excuse--or forget--bad treatment. Being young, I was out of my depths and let the relationship go on for too long, in the sense that she really took advantage of me at the time, piling on all kinds of work and requests on me that went beyond the reasonable. I bent over backwards to please her, which was a near-impossible task.

 

So, while I am certainly different two decades later, my opinions about the relationship haven't changed much. I've been unwavering in my view that I was never going to contact her. I wish her no harm, but I don't wish for her company either. Life without her has gone along just fine, and happily so.

 

Of course, in my youth and inexperience, there was a time when I could have wound up married to her. It came closer to happening than I'd like to admit, and she was definitely one to use pressure and guilt to get what she wanted. So perhaps I'm very lucky that this other guy came along.

 

Ya know, my last GF was terrible and I allowed it to go on too long to where she dumped me. She was a game playing, vindictive, selfish, manipulating, grudge holding ditch.. I kept hoping she'd turn back into the woman I fell in love with the first 6 months, before she got off her best behavior.. It never happened. I HATED her at the end of it.

 

I moved on. Dated, then met my now GF a few months after getting dumped. I'm ssoo much happier now! The ex reappeared 6 months later. She texted, stopped by my place (i was asleep). She then sent a long email falling all over herself apologizing for how terrible she was too me and missed me and wanted another chance. I ignored her not because I was mad, I just didn't want any contact with her. Finally, my GF said to let her know I've moved on and stop contacting me which I did. She still emailed a few times after that, apologizing all over the place and begged for me to forgive her..

 

You know what I did. I forgave her. There was no point in me holding a grudge and carrying around the weight of it. I'll tell you, it felt good to say "I forgive you and best of luck".. I'm just an advocate of not harboring grudges or resentment towards people who screw us over. Karma usually gets them and in her case, she got loads of it.. She had major dumpers remorse and my understanding is that pain and suffering is much worse than being dumped.

[jen1447]

I addition to that, people who hold grudges and grind axes and hold out for revenge ultimately hurt themselves more than anyone else. Carrying around those sorts of emotions longterm isn't healthy, and they'll eventually wear you down to the point where you're fundamentally changed for the worse, objectively. Some victory.

[Yasuandio]

I have developed Bi-Polar 2 in the last eight years (probably under-diagnosed early on), and a best friend of 20 years has Bi-Polar 1. I promise you, in "many" cases, Bi-Polar isn't gonna get better after two decades [i.e., chair incident].

 

Nip it in the bud, short and sweet with the legally worded cease and desist notice. If that doesn't work, then a Restraining Order may be necessary. You know you are dealing with a Narcissist on top of it. If you can have the initial "cease and desist" letter sent out by a third party (like an attorney friend), that would be beautiful. Cause, like you said, any attention is attention (and Narcissistic Supply). No getting around that. Narcissists are not at all interested in your "feeelingssss." Don't bother.

 

I have a tricky situation like this also. I am in STRICT NC with former husband, huge narcissist, also. [Always was trying to yank my chain, and he is cut off, I don't give a crap how late the alimony check is - I say nothing, zero, his day is coming in front of a Judge, it all will add up in time).

 

So, an important paper came to me in the mail about the mortgage principal payment increase on his house (cause he refuses to change addresses and sign property papers). Like I said, his day is coming. But for now, he needs to know about this information otherwise it will screw both of our credits. Now how do I handle getting this letter to him without breaking NC and subsequently feeding his Narcissistic Supply? I have no intention of allowing him the privilege of seeing my handwriting on an envelope, much less giving up my spit to seal it.

 

I might fax it, anonymously (but on record) from a UPS store to his business, or, to his accountant, or both. I think that is my best idea. The mortgage letter will just magically be fed out of a fax machine from a store. No name, no nothing. But a record of it will be copied into my account.

 

Otherwise -- it is Narcissistic Supply, and enabling. Not gonna happen again for me. I'm done. I am advising you do the same.

 

Your "cease and desist" has to be completely impersonal, somehow, or she will get a thrill of controlling you from her forcing an action on YOUR part. But if the correspondence comes from a machine, or a third party, then she did not get an action directly from your hand - which will keep the chain broken, as it needs to remain broken.

 

I have so thought about this, and do not wanna get in trap again. Hope this idea helps. Yas