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Hello,

I just experienced my first breakup of a very serious relationship. It only lasted 2.5 years but we were engaged and living together in a house that I bought. Long story short we both had some problems before we met. The problem is I think I fell for what I refer to as an emotional bait and switch. The connection was incredible early and she was very insecure that I would leave her. (She has had around six relationships in her life, all shorter than ours) This lasted for about two years until shortly after my proposal when she began to experience fears of losing her autonomy. That’s when she distanced herself in the relationship both physical and emotionally until I reached a point where I realized this just wasn’t going to work. We tried couples therapy but we both dug in our heals – my desire for emotional and physical intimacy and her desire for autonomy. There were arguments over her debt, passive aggression and my codependency that I experienced with this woman. Our couple’s therapist talked to me alone after the breakup and indicated that I would be better off finding an independent woman and indicated that my ex was financially dependent but emotionally independent.

 

Understanding the reason for the break up is helpful but I still feel terrible that I had to end things. I miss her very much as we naturally had many good times together like any other couple. There were times when she could be very thoughtful but other times when she was
so
cold and distant. I know she had a some baggage but I cant understand how she could fall in love
so
fast, cling to me for a while then push me away. I can’t get her off my mind, there was an unrequited longing for her during the relationship that still remains after our breakup. I still love her very much and I know she is mad that I broke things off but I think she still has feelings for me but she admits that she can’t be in a mature relationship. She said to call her in a year if I wanted to be friends. I accepted many things that made her the person that she is but this longing really had me at a loss for what to do. The break up puts many things into perspective. I lost
so
much sleep leading up to and during the breakup that I question if I did the right thing. I feel paralyzed and can’t get my life in order. I can’t summon the strength to get out of the house or do much of anything when I am home. I just go to work come home and take care of my dog. I can’t afford therapy right now and I worry endlessly about my future prospects of being alone and in this state of mind. I go to church groups for codependency and such, I just don't know if she is taking this time to work on her codependency as I am.

 

 

Two months after the breakup, I texted her to see if we could meet someplace and talk things over - sort of see what direction to go in. She was understandably short with me and said she wants to be single and alone. She always told me that if this relationship didn't work out it would be her last and I'
m
inclined to believe her, but time we shared together was the best of our lives - it would be a shame to not give it another chance. We are in a no contact situation right now, at least for the next year. I still love her and want to make a life with her. Do you think if we each work on ourselves that there might be a chance of having a new beginning? I wonder if she will answer my call in a year. I wonder if I will want to call her in a year.

 

 

When does this pain subside? How do I handle this pain of unrequited longing? It seems to be getting worse rather than better.

 

 

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The pain will never subside as long as you still cling to her. Just because she "endured" a relationship with you longer than with every other guy so far in her life doesn't mean it was a healthy relationship. You have to go full no contact for good; block her if necessary. Definitely dodged a bullet there pal.

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Life is never about just one person.

 

The relationship is over, so start to pick up the pieces and get some healing started.

 

It takes time, but it's definitely doable.

 

 

Five steps to mental wellbeing:

 

Evidence suggests there are five steps we can all take to improve our mental wellbeing.

 

If you approach them with an open mind and try them out, you can judge the results yourself.

 

Connect – connect with the people around you: your family, friends, colleagues and neighbours. Spend time developing these relationships.

 

Be active – you don't have to go to the gym. Take a walk, go cycling or play a game of football. Find the activity that you enjoy and make it a part of your life.

Keep learning – learning new skills can give you a sense of achievement and a new confidence. So why not sign up for that cooking course, start learning to play a musical instrument, or figure out how to fix your bike?

 

Give to others – even the smallest act can count, whether it's a smile, a thank you or a kind word. Larger acts, such as volunteering at your local community centre, can improve your mental wellbeing and help you build new social networks.

 

Be mindful – be more aware of the present moment, including your feelings and thoughts, your body and the world around you. Some people call this awareness "mindfulness", and it can positively change the way you feel about life and how you approach challenges.

 

Source.

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Mrlonelyone

How long have you been broken up?

 

Our couple’s therapist talked to me alone after the breakup and indicated that I would be better off finding an independent woman and indicated that my ex was financially dependent but emotionally independent.

 

A professional couples therapist told you that you need to leave this woman. I know how hard this kind of thing can feel...we all do...but such a statement from a therapist is very telling. You should take their word to heart as they know you, and her, and have seen what couples work and don't work IRL.

 

If you want to press on, and you do because you are here the thing to consider is who is in the position of dumper and dumpee.

 

First you dumped her. Good, you had all the power to come back to stay away forever.

 

But then...

 

Two months after the breakup, I texted her to see if we could meet someplace and talk things over - sort of see what direction to go in. She was understandably short with me and said she wants to be single and alone.

 

So in a sense she dumped you. Making you the dumpee... That said.

 

If your ex is following the type of advice we often give to dumpee's here she is waiting for you to come on so strong that it is borderline stalking. You as the dumper are expected to lay it all out.

 

Say you want to try again right now, you can't live without her, you made a huge mistake.

 

You are expected, according to the advice given here to do that.... and she would be told to wait for that.

 

 

Does anyone think this OP dumper should actually do what we tell dumpee's to wait for dumper's to do?

:/

 

 

I accepted many things that made her the person that she is but this longing really had me at a loss for what to do. The break up puts many things into perspective. I lost so much sleep leading up to and during the breakup that I question if I did the right thing. I feel paralyzed and can’t get my life in order. I can’t summon the strength to get out of the house or do much of anything when I am home. I just go to work come home and take care of my dog. I can’t afford therapy right now and I worry endlessly about my future prospects of being alone and in this state of mind. I go to church groups for codependency and such, I just don't know if she is taking this time to work on her codependency as I am.

 

It is good that you are working on yourself. All you can control and work on is yourself. She may or may not be working on herself. If she is not then it just means that this isn't meant to be.

 

 

She always told me that if this relationship didn't work out it would be her last and I'm inclined to believe her, but time we shared together was the best of our lives - it would be a shame to not give it another chance. We are in a no contact situation right now, at least for the next year. I still love her and want to make a life with her. Do you think if we each work on ourselves that there might be a chance of having a new beginning? I wonder if she will answer my call in a year. I wonder if I will want to call her in a year.

 

Sure there is a chance.

 

The statistics I have found and which are in a pinned thread above say that there is a 10% chance both of you will want to reconcile at the same time, and a 45% chance that at any given time at least one of you will want to try.

 

 

Don't put life on hold for that 10% chance. Take this year to work on yourself. Improve your issues identified in therapy. If in a year or more you even are still thinking of her give her a call and see if she wants to try again. You as the dumper have much power to decide if there is another chance at this. Don't be over the top about it just give her a call or an email about it. Don't text text is too easily dismissed.

 

 

When does this pain subside? How do I handle this pain of unrequited longing? It seems to be getting worse rather than better.

 

The pain may never really truly fully subside. Google around on the internet. There are people who are married and happy for decades who none the less sometimes wonder about the one that got away.

 

When you really truly actually love someone, many people believe, you never fully stop loving them. That does not mean a relationship will work, or that you can really live with them. That is one of the hardest things to accept about love.

 

The pain will feel less important when you find someone who will be engaged to you and not want to run away. That can be a future new improved version of this EX.....but it is more likely to be a totally new person.

 

 

Definitely dodged a bullet there pal.

 

Look on the bright side: At least you found out that she was trying to flee from getting married before the wedding. Google the case of Jennifer Wilbanks the "runaway bride". She had problems much like your ex. Her left at the altar fiancée found a new woman and got married within a couple of years. 10 years latter so did she.

Edited by Mrlonelyone
I know the exact bullet
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A core belief I've lived with and experienced my entire life is "people don't change".. I'll go to the grave knowing that. You can't change people. That's why you have to go thru the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship to see who people really are when they let their guard down. When people get married after only 6 months of dating or even after a year, I laugh.. I think that's simply madness. You don't even know the REAL person at a year.

 

You two were not compatible. You need to do what the others have suggested. Stay NC and work on yourself. You need to address some of the issues that you're aware of so you don't bring them to your next relationship.

 

You mentioned you don't have $ for therapy. Keep going to your church groups. Go to second hand book stores and but some self help books.

 

I often say when relationships end, we don't really miss THE PERSON. We miss being in a relationship. Most people after several months are glad they rode thru the initial pain of the break up and came out the other side feeling grateful that they are no longer with their ex. I did..

 

Work on you. Stop thinking about your ex. Work out. Do some of the other suggestions. When you're ready, dip your toes back into the dating pool.

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Hello,

I just experienced my first breakup of a very serious relationship. It only lasted 2.5 years but we were engaged and living together in a house that I bought. Long story short we both had some problems before we met. The problem is I think I fell for what I refer to as an emotional bait and switch. The connection was incredible early and she was very insecure that I would leave her. (She has had around six relationships in her life, all shorter than ours) This lasted for about two years until shortly after my proposal when she began to experience fears of losing her autonomy. That’s when she distanced herself in the relationship both physical and emotionally until I reached a point where I realized this just wasn’t going to work. We tried couples therapy but we both dug in our heals – my desire for emotional and physical intimacy and her desire for autonomy. There were arguments over her debt, passive aggression and my codependency that I experienced with this woman. Our couple’s therapist talked to me alone after the breakup and indicated that I would be better off finding an independent woman and indicated that my ex was financially dependent but emotionally independent.

 

Understanding the reason for the break up is helpful but I still feel terrible that I had to end things. I miss her very much as we naturally had many good times together like any other couple. There were times when she could be very thoughtful but other times when she was
so
cold and distant. I know she had a some baggage but I cant understand how she could fall in love
so
fast, cling to me for a while then push me away. I can’t get her off my mind, there was an unrequited longing for her during the relationship that still remains after our breakup. I still love her very much and I know she is mad that I broke things off but I think she still has feelings for me but she admits that she can’t be in a mature relationship. She said to call her in a year if I wanted to be friends. I accepted many things that made her the person that she is but this longing really had me at a loss for what to do. The break up puts many things into perspective. I lost
so
much sleep leading up to and during the breakup that I question if I did the right thing. I feel paralyzed and can’t get my life in order. I can’t summon the strength to get out of the house or do much of anything when I am home. I just go to work come home and take care of my dog. I can’t afford therapy right now and I worry endlessly about my future prospects of being alone and in this state of mind. I go to church groups for codependency and such, I just don't know if she is taking this time to work on her codependency as I am.

 

 

Two months after the breakup, I texted her to see if we could meet someplace and talk things over - sort of see what direction to go in. She was understandably short with me and said she wants to be single and alone. She always told me that if this relationship didn't work out it would be her last and I'
m
inclined to believe her, but time we shared together was the best of our lives - it would be a shame to not give it another chance. We are in a no contact situation right now, at least for the next year. I still love her and want to make a life with her. Do you think if we each work on ourselves that there might be a chance of having a new beginning? I wonder if she will answer my call in a year. I wonder if I will want to call her in a year.

 

 

When does this pain subside? How do I handle this pain of unrequited longing? It seems to be getting worse rather than better.

 

 

 

I think you need a better therapist. You should have one that gives you the goods and bads of what you want to do, and then helps you to accomplish your goals, understanding the risks. You probably need to get her some help to find out why she wants to be alone. A lot of people like to live alone, but very few enjoy being alone. Everything in this world revolves around relationships with others.

 

You may not change her, but people DO change, some for the better and some for the worse. I'd give her a try. Perhaps she would be happy dating, perhaps spending a few nights together.... that would be a great start. You realize it may not work.... but could. Who knows at this time.

 

You should be able to get a pretty good feel if her response is totally negative, and they you'd have to decide to move on.... and yes, you can get over her.

 

I've been through three serious breakups, and with two of them, we reunited happily.

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]A friend of mine looked at her face book page, she has completely reinvented herself in lessthan one month after our break up. New friends, a new boyfriend,three trips planned, going back to grad school. It’s as if the last 2.5 years never happened. I’m a wreck and she has moved on with suchease. I think I just witnessed the full circle of a borderline personality disorder relationship. I'm crushed, I never meant a thing to her.

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

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A friend of mine looked at her face book page, she has completely reinvented herself in lessthan one month after our break up. New friends, a new boyfriend,three trips planned, going back to grad school. It’s as if the last 2.5 years never happened. I’m a wreck and she has moved on with such ease. I think I just witnessed the full circle of a borderline personality disorder relationship. I'm crushed, I never meant a thing to her.

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A friend of mine looked at her face book page, she has completely reinvented herself in lessthan one month after our break up. New friends, a new boyfriend,three trips planned, going back to grad school. It’s as if the last 2.5 years never happened. I’m a wreck and she has moved on with such ease. I think I just witnessed the full circle of a borderline personality disorder relationship. I'm crushed, I never meant a thing to her.

 

The new boyfriend is pretty f*cked, but she was probably talking to him when she was with you.

 

Everything else is just her way of moving on. She isn't a borderline because she is making new friends, planning trips, and going back to grad school. She is obviously having an easier time with the breakup because she has so much to fall back on, but you are capable of meeting new people too. You are allowed to move on from this relationship too.

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Hello,

I just experienced my first breakup of a very serious relationship. It only lasted 2.5 years but we were engaged and living together in a house that I bought. Long story short we both had some problems before we met. The problem is I think I fell for what I refer to as an emotional bait and switch. The connection was incredible early and she was very insecure that I would leave her. (She has had around six relationships in her life, all shorter than ours) This lasted for about two years until shortly after my proposal when she began to experience fears of losing her autonomy. That’s when she distanced herself in the relationship both physical and emotionally until I reached a point where I realized this just wasn’t going to work. We tried couples therapy but we both dug in our heals – my desire for emotional and physical intimacy and her desire for autonomy. There were arguments over her debt, passive aggression and my codependency that I experienced with this woman. Our couple’s therapist talked to me alone after the breakup and indicated that I would be better off finding an independent woman and indicated that my ex was financially dependent but emotionally independent.

 

Understanding the reason for the break up is helpful but I still feel terrible that I had to end things. I miss her very much as we naturally had many good times together like any other couple. There were times when she could be very thoughtful but other times when she was
so
cold and distant. I know she had a some baggage but I cant understand how she could fall in love
so
fast, cling to me for a while then push me away. I can’t get her off my mind, there was an unrequited longing for her during the relationship that still remains after our breakup. I still love her very much and I know she is mad that I broke things off but I think she still has feelings for me but she admits that she can’t be in a mature relationship. She said to call her in a year if I wanted to be friends. I accepted many things that made her the person that she is but this longing really had me at a loss for what to do. The break up puts many things into perspective. I lost
so
much sleep leading up to and during the breakup that I question if I did the right thing. I feel paralyzed and can’t get my life in order. I can’t summon the strength to get out of the house or do much of anything when I am home. I just go to work come home and take care of my dog. I can’t afford therapy right now and I worry endlessly about my future prospects of being alone and in this state of mind. I go to church groups for codependency and such, I just don't know if she is taking this time to work on her codependency as I am.

 

 

Two months after the breakup, I texted her to see if we could meet someplace and talk things over - sort of see what direction to go in. She was understandably short with me and said she wants to be single and alone. She always told me that if this relationship didn't work out it would be her last and I'
m
inclined to believe her, but time we shared together was the best of our lives - it would be a shame to not give it another chance. We are in a no contact situation right now, at least for the next year. I still love her and want to make a life with her. Do you think if we each work on ourselves that there might be a chance of having a new beginning? I wonder if she will answer my call in a year. I wonder if I will want to call her in a year.

 

 

When does this pain subside? How do I handle this pain of unrequited longing? It seems to be getting worse rather than better.

 

 

 

It's interesting to see that she's not as paralyzed as you are. Have you wondered why? Perhaps, she never actually loved you at all?

When you fit her profile as the man of her dreams, she will come on you strong because all she thought was; this is it I finally found my flawless man! But then as time goes on, she probably realized that you have certain flaws like the other 6 guys she's been with, because she picked you like she did as the other 6. I'm willing to bet that if you get to know the other 6 guys, you'll see a similar pattern between all of you. Same traits, looks, tastes, flaws and what not. What's she is doing is cycling through men to find her imagined perfect guy who really don't exist. But you did better than the 6 guys or so she claimed. You never know if she just made it all up to stroke your ego. She wanted to make you feel like you're special; a boy who she can be friends with after breakup but call you when she's alone. So now, she doesn't want to be friends. Aha! There's the 8th guy you don't know and she's happy again, until she dumps the 8th, 9th 10th..

 

What's really important to you is to heal from this relationship. The bond between you and her is strong, so it does take time to break. Go out and do something, workout a sweat and meet other people. Stay single for a year at least and then work on yourself. If this is your first insecure woman you attracted, then I wouldn't worry. I start to worry if you are repeating a pattern of attracting insecure women who use you and then dump you never actually loving you as yourself!

 

If a woman truly loves you, she won't do this nonsense. You just haven't met one, but once you do with a secure woman you'll find how foolish you see yourself wasting time on an insecure woman. There is a reason why insecure women are a flight risk, but the allure is sex can be easy coming and plentiful and perhaps this is messing with your head right now. Being dry is not fun.

Edited by happydate
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I think when a relationship is turbulent and then breaks up, it is even harder to let go because there is so much confusion and so much you don't understand. That's what happens when there are push/pull relationships - they can be torment! Sometimes you cannot understand but only realise that it will never truly make sense. Yes, there were the good times and a lot of true involvement, but there were also the bad times and the hurt. If you got back together, it would most likely be more of the same.

 

You are experiencing a natural grieving process. Just because she is all over Facebook and appearing to move on, doesn't mean she really is, nor does it mean it's best to get back together. This period will be painful while your unconscious is processing and trying to recover from an overwhelming experience, a break up. But gradually, you should start t feel better and see clearer. Allow yourself time to recover and don't assume that getting back together is the solution (even if it were possible).

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A friend of mine looked at her face book page, she has completely reinvented herself in lessthan one month after our break up. New friends, a new boyfriend,three trips planned, going back to grad school. It’s as if the last 2.5 years never happened. I’m a wreck and she has moved on with such ease. I think I just witnessed the full circle of a borderline personality disorder relationship. I'm crushed, I never meant a thing to her.

 

Wow,

 

That's VERY similar to a break up that I had with my GF. She totally changed, refocused on different things, lost weight, got new boyfriends and totally put me out of her life. We did get back together, but after 7 months ended up with the same issues. She was very insecure, had some serious prior issues that I couldn't solve, nor live with and as much as I loved her, I left permanently. Hard to get over her, but I'm way better off.

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She has moved on with such ease. I think I just witnessed the full circle of a borderline personality disorder relationship.

Tom, I agree with Na49 that your Ex's ability to move on so easily does not imply she has strong BPD traits. If you're interested, you may want to take a quick look at my list 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

I'm crushed, I never meant a thing to her.
Perhaps so. Yet, if she has strong BPD traits as you suspect, she may have really loved you (albeit, in an immature manner). The reason that BPDers can "move on with such ease" is not that they are unable to love but, rather, that they are too emotionally immature to handle strong mixed feelings. For this reason, a BPDer's subconscious works 24/7 to prevent her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. It accomplishes this, in part, by "splitting off" her deep feelings of love, putting them entirely out of reach of her conscious mind. This is why a BPDer is capable of flipping, in only ten seconds, between Jekyll (adoring her partner) to Hyde (devaluing or even hating her partner). And she may flip back just as quickly.
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SolidGoldTurd
[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]A friend of mine looked at her face book page, she has completely reinvented herself in lessthan one month after our break up. New friends, a new boyfriend,three trips planned, going back to grad school. It’s as if the last 2.5 years never happened. I’m a wreck and she has moved on with suchease. I think I just witnessed the full circle of a borderline personality disorder relationship. I'm crushed, I never meant a thing to her.

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

 

 

DON'T even bother with FaceBook ... it's a fake world for fake ass people.

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Downtown: She had all 18 and more.

 

 

Here is what I saw:

 

 

 

 

*Unstable or unhealthy family dynamic, poor connection to birth mother. (This is the biggest red flag I would watch out for).

*speaking with contempt about parents, grandparents and siblings (this is a big one).

*History of fiscal irresponsibility and financial dependency. (Mine was dependent on the family she had contempt for).

*Intense, drama, turbulent speaking style and lifestyle.

*Childlike or immature lifestyle.

*Unfiltered, rude or cruel comments.

*Excessively sensitized to events, places or objects.

*Showing signs of jealousy when they aren’t the center of conversation.

*Childish phobias, fears or difficulties. (Picky eater, can’t vacuum because it’s too loud, can’t swallow a pill, etc…)

*Rapid shifts in mood (can happen several times a day).

*Someone with whom you don't feel comfortable being the real 'you'. You have a hard time telling them your feelings out of fear of upsetting them or embarrassing yourself.

*The conversations revolving around them and their drama, neglecting to ask about you and your life/interests (Talk of your day quickly returns to her day).

*Overly opinionated / conceitedly assertive

*excessive sarcastic sense of humor

*a smug attitude.

*If they validate narcissism in others.

*Holds grudges and admits it.

*Fake, false, insincere display of emotion such as a hypocrite crying fake tears of grief “crocodile” tears.

*Pattern of failed romantic relationships, multiple engagements, the ubiquities 2.5 year relationships and failed or nonexistent friendships.

*moving things too quickly. Feeling unsure of their intentions (Too fast, Too into you, Too sexually overt, Too trusting of you / taking security risk on the first date that normal woman would not take)

*needing a lot of praise or reassurances that you will not leave them.

*idealizing me to the point it gets ridiculous or almost uncomfortable.

*Self-centered and selfish / having similar like-minded friends. (If you don’t like her friends you will eventually not like her).

*Gut feelings of the fact they are hiding something despite telling you their life story in detail very early on. Feelings of something secretive about past relationships, something just doesn’t sound right or adds up and you just don’t want to ask.

*speaking with contempt about former boyfriends; however, she may make a conscious effort not to do this thus sounding as if all breakups were amiable.

*An avoidant attachment style. Periods of dissociation when there didn’t use to be.

*doesn’t reciprocate (back rubs, head rubs, chores, favors, oral sex etc…)

*Expecting you to be available 24/7

*She takes on too many projects or plans at one time (turbulent life style).

*Asking you to change something about yourself to fit into her expectations.

*Willingness to change something about herself to fit into your expectations early on.

*Telling you how giving and caring she was in past failed relationships.

*Passive aggressive.

*Having an adversarial argumentative style at home and with you.

*Problems with intimacy, emotional and physical.

*Attention seeking.

*Hypocrite

*Unhealthy addictions or hording tendencies, books, magazines, cats…

*Generally indifferent to poor living conditions.

*Talks using terms familiar to BPD literature (trust me, you’re not the first one to suggest they have it, they have probably researched it before you met them) words like: pedestal, professional victim, empathy, controlling, manipulating, projection, black and white.

*Demonstrates lust of others in your presence / flirts with others in your presence.

*Getting anxious, upset or clingy when you leave “Are you leaving me?”

*Having a knack for making things always about her, stories, experiences etc.

*Telling you they will take care of you, you can quit your job, move in, put you on their life insurance policy after a few months, etc…

*Feeling undercurrents of meanness.

*Feeling undercurrents of controlling behavior.

*Your family and friends don’t like her.

*Last but not least, the thousand yard stare. I think we all have seen it and it still haunts us. Anyone in a satisfying relationship shouldn’t have dead eyes.

 

 

I would say her attachment style sounds avoidant-ambivalent or what is sometimes called disorganized. This attachment style seems to be a combination of anxious and avoidant (push/pull). Hence the volatility and constant mixed signals.” I's say she was BPD.

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Downtown: She had all 18 and more.

 

 

Here is what I saw:

 

 

 

 

*Unstable or unhealthy family dynamic, poor connection to birth mother. (This is the biggest red flag I would watch out for).

*speaking with contempt about parents, grandparents and siblings (this is a big one).

*History of fiscal irresponsibility and financial dependency. (Mine was dependent on the family she had contempt for).

*Intense, drama, turbulent speaking style and lifestyle.

*Childlike or immature lifestyle.

*Unfiltered, rude or cruel comments.

*Excessively sensitized to events, places or objects.

*Showing signs of jealousy when they aren’t the center of conversation.

*Childish phobias, fears or difficulties. (Picky eater, can’t vacuum because it’s too loud, can’t swallow a pill, etc…)

*Rapid shifts in mood (can happen several times a day).

*Someone with whom you don't feel comfortable being the real 'you'. You have a hard time telling them your feelings out of fear of upsetting them or embarrassing yourself.

*The conversations revolving around them and their drama, neglecting to ask about you and your life/interests (Talk of your day quickly returns to her day).

*Overly opinionated / conceitedly assertive

*excessive sarcastic sense of humor

*a smug attitude.

*If they validate narcissism in others.

*Holds grudges and admits it.

*Fake, false, insincere display of emotion such as a hypocrite crying fake tears of grief “crocodile” tears.

*Pattern of failed romantic relationships, multiple engagements, the ubiquities 2.5 year relationships and failed or nonexistent friendships.

*moving things too quickly. Feeling unsure of their intentions (Too fast, Too into you, Too sexually overt, Too trusting of you / taking security risk on the first date that normal woman would not take)

*needing a lot of praise or reassurances that you will not leave them.

*idealizing me to the point it gets ridiculous or almost uncomfortable.

*Self-centered and selfish / having similar like-minded friends. (If you don’t like her friends you will eventually not like her).

*Gut feelings of the fact they are hiding something despite telling you their life story in detail very early on. Feelings of something secretive about past relationships, something just doesn’t sound right or adds up and you just don’t want to ask.

*speaking with contempt about former boyfriends; however, she may make a conscious effort not to do this thus sounding as if all breakups were amiable.

*An avoidant attachment style. Periods of dissociation when there didn’t use to be.

*doesn’t reciprocate (back rubs, head rubs, chores, favors, oral sex etc…)

*Expecting you to be available 24/7

*She takes on too many projects or plans at one time (turbulent life style).

*Asking you to change something about yourself to fit into her expectations.

*Willingness to change something about herself to fit into your expectations early on.

*Telling you how giving and caring she was in past failed relationships.

*Passive aggressive.

*Having an adversarial argumentative style at home and with you.

*Problems with intimacy, emotional and physical.

*Attention seeking.

*Hypocrite

*Unhealthy addictions or hording tendencies, books, magazines, cats…

*Generally indifferent to poor living conditions.

*Talks using terms familiar to BPD literature (trust me, you’re not the first one to suggest they have it, they have probably researched it before you met them) words like: pedestal, professional victim, empathy, controlling, manipulating, projection, black and white.

*Demonstrates lust of others in your presence / flirts with others in your presence.

*Getting anxious, upset or clingy when you leave “Are you leaving me?”

*Having a knack for making things always about her, stories, experiences etc.

*Telling you they will take care of you, you can quit your job, move in, put you on their life insurance policy after a few months, etc…

*Feeling undercurrents of meanness.

*Feeling undercurrents of controlling behavior.

*Your family and friends don’t like her.

*Last but not least, the thousand yard stare. I think we all have seen it and it still haunts us. Anyone in a satisfying relationship shouldn’t have dead eyes.

 

 

I would say her attachment style sounds avoidant-ambivalent or what is sometimes called disorganized. This attachment style seems to be a combination of anxious and avoidant (push/pull). Hence the volatility and constant mixed signals.” I's say she was BPD.

 

Everyone is your mirror -- which is really the great relationship secret.

 

Have you considered that what you had listed her above as being BPD if nothing less than this could also be in you as well?

 

If she makes the list of you and both of you compare notes, it will almost surely mirror each other. It's also why she dumped other men as well including you. She thought they were the fault of her misery; but the men also believe she was the fault and probably will have the same lists as you did. He She syndrome -- She blames you and you blame her. It's always like that in failed relationships.

Most of you never consider perhaps it's who you are that attracted people like her in the first place.

 

Perhaps before you look at other people's flaws, look at your own flaws based on the list you made of her and improve yourself. Once you improved yourself based on the list you provided to us, I can assure you that you will attract more secure women without all these drama attached.

Edited by happydate
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It has crossed my mind that I was seeing my own traits mirrored in her. My therapist (selected for his knowledge of BPD) told me that BPDers are masters at projecting shame and all kinds of other characteristics onto other people without us even knowing it. Its a form of manipulation and even therapists can fall victim to it.

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It has crossed my mind that I was seeing my own traits mirrored in her. My therapist (selected for his knowledge of BPD) told me that BPDers are masters at projecting shame and all kinds of other characteristics onto other people without us even knowing it. Its a form of manipulation and even therapists can fall victim to it.

 

But you accepted her form of manipulation. The only way you accepted this is because you accepted it in your consciousness as well as the therapist.

 

There is an opposite of every trait. A positive trait has a negative trait and vice versa. You can not have 100% positive or 100% negative. This simply can not happen in this world. Without negative, you can not have positive and vice versa. But what you can have is a balance between the two that you will be comfortable with.

 

You see, you do admire her positive qualities and traits and that's why you dated her. These qualities are in you as well. But you dislike her negative traits, enough so you build a strong dislike towards her personality. This is the same with her to you. She would only recognize these traits and be comfortable judging them as such because both of you have them. You wouldn't recognize these traits if you don't have them in your subconscious mind.

 

To change, you have to pick a negative trait and shift it towards positive until you find a balance point.

 

For example, if she's clingy and insecure, you are also clingy and insecure, BUT you also have security as well. But that balance is currently overweighted heavily towards insecurity. All you have to do to heal yourself is to shift more of your own insecurity towards more being secure, but you don't need to be 100% secure. No one is 100% secure, otherwise you would not completely fear death. How do you know what is your balance point in terms of being secure in a relationship? It is when you do meet a woman who you no longer feel that she is clingy or insecure. You will meet these women, because you will feel more confident to approach and date them.

 

Your balance point in terms of all the traits you listed above will be different for everyone. All you care about is finding that right balance of positive negative traits and attract the same kind of women that will stay with you and you with her. The positives outweigh the negatives.

 

Don't mistaken this as being compromises you have to make with your partner to keep a relationship secure. It's about both of you reaching a balance point so you are happy with who you really are. She will too. But no one can take a cold shower right away. You have to train your body to acclimatize to the change in temperature degree by degree until you have a balance point what cold is cold. If she's trained to take cold showers as well, then both of you can easily take a cold shower together because both of you have acclimatized to that balanced temperature. The balance point. You and your partner wouldn't argue about the water temperature. Find the balance point in all your negative traits and you will have a happier and more fulfilling intimate relationship with any woman.

Edited by happydate
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Tom, after what I read, I really think you should move on. Take your time for it. Instead of worrying about what it was or what it could've been, focus on what your life is and will be from now - and you should have in mind that that's life without her. I wouldn't be surprised she doesn't care, as I wouldn't be surprised she's doing that to show people she's fine (regarding the Facebook thing, which I also agree with SolidGoldTurd). Go live your life, spend some time outside, put an old project in practice, try something new. You seem to be a great guy, I'm sure eventually someone special will come for you!

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Thanks everyone for the solid advice. I'm gradually working through it. I'm going through the cycle and currently experiencing anger. I wanted to make it work but I couldn't make sense of her behavior. She projected her control issues onto me and justified her fear of intimacy by splitting me/painting me black. I feel betrayed by her intimacy bait and switch, like she pretended to be someone she's not. I always said her personality changed from when I met her.(she actually said on face book that she can still love a person but cant be with them when she can no longer be the person she isn't)

 

 

The conflict and feelings of resentment between her and I escalated over the years and we were both suffering. She left and tried separation because she and I could no longer cope. I broke it off because BPD is a complex and difficult disorder.

 

 

Our therapist cleared the fog when she told me I would be much better off with an independent woman rather than the financially dependent and emotionally independent woman that she is. I realize nobody can live with her as long as her attachment style is “avoidant-ambivalent”, push pull and filled with drama. The life she lives is empty, shallow, shameful and devoid of meaningful feelings. She's an empty vessel with a hole in the bottom. She has a victim mentality and has little to offer to anyone on an adult emotional level other than pain and what she claims to offer is often fake, inconsistent or short lived.

 

 

Mental illness has taught me the most valuable life lessons and I continue to learn and grow. I have learned to be non-resistant and accepting for how things are. I had my role with the conflict. I have a better understanding about myself, how important communication and relationship bonds are.

 

 

With that said, I will never forgive her for hurting me with my own love but the greatest satisfaction I can have is knowing that if she can’t courageously seek help she will ALWAYS run from her feelings and that her life will continue to be a living hell. She needn’t fear hell after death because she has been living it her whole life.

 

 

I don't want to hold on to this bitterness for long, it's not my style, but grant me a few days of it for now and it will help me be able to move on from her completely.

Edited by Tomzxz
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