Mujan Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 In short: Almost 5 year relationship, endede by her for this and that reason. Problems were solvable in my mind. 2 months post breakup, mostly NC, except some mixed signals from her, LC becouse i had to pick my stuff and some technical issues. She is in a rebound relationship with married man 16 years older than her and she became aware that I am familliar with that. Guy came in the picture at some point during the ending of our relationship. 3 weeks of full NC after I picked up the last of my stuff, and I get the message from her: "Hi (name), I just wanna tell you that I am terribly sorry for eveeything, for hurting you bad, and for beeing stupid. I think I am in some kind of phase that I need to get through and I dont know why . I hope that this hate phase of yours will pass and that everything will be ok. I want you to know that... My answer was: I dont hate nobody, its way to simple emotion. Get in touch when you are out of your phase. Opinions? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 My opinion is that she'd like to have you as a possible backup in case it doesn't work out with this other guy. It sounds like you've offered her that option. I'm not sure how that will help you get over this breakup or why you'd want to offer yourself up as a second choice. Link to post Share on other sites
ColdandLonelyinAK Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 ^^^ Took the words right out of my mouth. You left the door open for a possible reconciliation, or at least it seems. I'd try to go straight NC so she knows you won't cater to her every emotional whim and text. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 Responding should not have been either an option or priority. Big mistake. What you need to do now, is follow advice, go complete No Contact, wipe all traces of her from every avenue possible, of contact (phone, email, Facebook, whatsapp, twitter - the lot. Everything. Wipe it all clean. Block, delete ignore. If necessary, change your number. Loads of people have done it, so it's not impossible. But whatever you do, do not set yourself up as the second best. So far, that's precisely the impression you've left her with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mujan Posted May 17, 2015 Author Share Posted May 17, 2015 yes, I understand all of this, and I also bolcked and deleted from every social app known. But, what intrigues me is sentence: I have been stupid. Is she possibly regreting everything? Why should anyone say that? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby65 Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 She says it because she's hedging her bets with you. She's setting you up as a Plan B. I'm sure she's not telling her new married boyfriend she's "been stupid" for breaking up with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DJOkawari Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 (edited) I've gotten this "phase" bs before as well. That's basically when the person in the rebound knows it's a rebound. They know what they left was better but they want to be in the rebound for now. They know it isn't what they want longterm, that's why they said they were being stupid. Her new relationship will most likely fail. That has little bearing on you two reconnecting. Just ignore it and ignore her breadcrumbs. From my perspective she'll probably make a grand gesture to get you back once it's over with this guy. It'll seem sincere. Don't make it so easy for her to come back. Leaving your relationship was a serious thing. You aren't messing around - this is your life. Youre weak right now. You wouldn't normally let someone treat you like this. Get over your "hate phase" are you serious? Please, please, please, I know you're weak right now but go NC for at least 60 days (or until she's breaking down your front door) before even thinking a different thought about the issue. You'll have so much more perspective and she'll respect you more as well. Edited May 17, 2015 by DJOkawari 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 (edited) yes, I understand all of this, and I also bolcked and deleted from every social app known. But, what intrigues me is sentence: I have been stupid. Is she possibly regreting everything? Why should anyone say that? You had 5 years together of course she genuinely misses you. That does not mean she wants you back. What you said to her in the first place was perfect. All you should ever say to her should be along those lines. Say to her "When you are done with your phase and want to try again call me otherwise don't contact me. " Like the others have said delete block and ignore from all social media I differ on just one point. If you want reconciliation to be possible do not change your phone number. Then just don't call her, don't write her, do not answer a call from her unless you choose to and feel like it's a good idea for you. Only respond to her if she says something along the lines of wanting to come back, or perhaps meet up to talk (she may want to see you in person to ask you to try again). Philosophy I call this leaving the door open a crack. Others call this being plan B. Which one it is to you depends on how you feel about having her come back. Some people would feel degraded by it others don't. My ideas on this come from watching my parents split up for two years after being together for about 20 years, and make up and have another 20. I have seen lots of other couples make up after a break up too. So, if after being broke up for a while having some more years with this woman sounds good to you leave the door open. If that sounds denigrating to your self esteem then don't leave the door open. In fact if you really truly do not want contact make it all nice and legal and send a cease and desist letter. Free Cease and Desist Letter Template for Harassment or Intimidation In all cases someone has to open the door, answer a letter, or answer a phone call for that to happen. Since she dumped you it is her job to make the first move to reconcile. One more thing. Is your ex the manipulative type? What I mean is if she wants something would she rather be indirect about how she gets it? After 5 years of dating and no ring she may be with this older married man thinking. "He's married so he's the type to want to be married and he's older so he's not looking to sow his oats. Maybe I can be a second wife,". I am not saying she wants you to marry her but that she wants to replace that mans wife. She wants to be married and gave up on getting that from you. Edited May 17, 2015 by Mrlonelyone Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted May 17, 2015 Share Posted May 17, 2015 message from her: "Hi (name), I just wanna tell you that I am terribly sorry for eveeything, for hurting you bad, and for beeing stupid. I think I am in some kind of phase that I need to get through and I dont know why . I hope that this hate phase of yours will pass and that everything will be ok. I want you to know that... My answer was: I dont hate nobody, its way to simple emotion. Get in touch when you are out of your phase. Opinions? Translation: I'm with the upper hand here and don't you dare to forget it. You, by being immature and weak, allowing hate to drive you, you take focus from me. So remember that everything is about me me me, I'm the one who is going through a phase, Who do you think you are, to not desiring me all the time? Why am i telling you that? Because if you move on, you hurt my Ego. My ego needs you to be miserable and to think of me all the time. So i'm misleading you to think that you have hope with such a special girl like me, to prevent you from moving on (To her self): WOW i'm so wonderful, he will be happy that an adorable girl like me gives him breadcrumbs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mujan Posted May 17, 2015 Author Share Posted May 17, 2015 The marriage thing: we were making plans to get married past winter (we were engaged) but due to some our financial decisions which we decided to solve, we just put it on hold. Children thing: we never protect ourselfs so having a baby was also one of our whishes, but we just could not get pregnant and had no health issues concerning that. Manipulative/material thing: I think she has a 'Dad' syndrome - her dad worked very hard pshyical jobs around europe for 20 years to make a nice living for family, so he was never (or not so) around for her as she would probably need as a child. Whilst here in retirement he was always provider for whatever is needed (which of course is ok) for her, us and whole family. Hard years thing: Year one: Her brother is a gay and her traditional family had very hard time accepting it (but finally did although you can still smell it in the air) Year two: My father died after being sick for a very long time. We all knew this was going to happen but did not know when. Year three: Her dad got cancer, luckily operated and cured Year four: Our friend (very good of her) committed suicide, no one never ever understanded why. Her mother got cancer, now in curable phase. I got promoted to the highest rank of my bussiness, which I wanted, but had a very hard time coping with the amount of stress and sudden responsibilty in a big company for the last six months of our relationship. Two years before she got demoted, and something shifted in her. And part of her hates her job. She founds a solace in running, and in one year time she menages to run hulf marathons, getting aknowleged for success (which is a big thing for her, and yes I was very proud of her becouse thats what she really need within herself - a confirmation that she is good abot something). And now? We work in the same company, were couple from heaven for everybody, and she meets a guy on running, married with children, complete oposite of me, politically, evidently moraly and whatever. But I would like for you to understand, that somehow this another guy is not such concern for me. Its the realisation, that through all those bad and hard life moments she decided to call it quit and to turn the page in a moment that we were both as a team and should stop and change the day to day living. Lack of good, hard and honest communication? Probably. She knows everything told above, we talkedabout it, too late, during breakup time. Nothing changed, but her message out of the blue as stated before. Yes, and I will leave the door open to some extent. Thanx for the input guys Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mujan Posted May 17, 2015 Author Share Posted May 17, 2015 Translation: I'm with the upper hand here and don't you dare to forget it. You, by being immature and weak, allowing hate to drive you, you take focus from me. So remember that everything is about me me me, I'm the one who is going through a phase, Who do you think you are, to not desiring me all the time? T Why am i telling you that? Because if you move on, you hurt my Ego. My ego needs you to be miserable and to think of me all the time. So i'm misleading you to think that you have hope with such a special girl like me, to prevent you from moving on (To her self): WOW i'm so wonderful, he will be happy that an adorable girl like me gives him breadcrumbs. This (part of me) Link to post Share on other sites
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