Does anyone have insight on why we broke up?

[LAtoChiGuy]

I will try to keep this as brief as possible so maybe using bullet points is the best way to do that? I know I am long winded but PLEASE READ since this really is a confusing end to something that seemed to be going somewhere.

 

Here's our timeline/important info:

-Met online in late January and had our first date 2/8

 

-Tons of common interests (hockey, college football, books and food) and even went to the same University so had shared experiences without knowing each other

 

-She soon to be 26, me a few months shy of 29

 

-First date went well, called after, she said her peewee hockey team had a tournament the next weekend but if they lost she'd be free Sunday. Saturday she texts saying they were eliminated and wanted to know what we were doing.

-Kissed third date

 

-4th date (1 month, we met once a week) I really started to feel a connection and wanted to express that so I sent her flowers to work with a simple note reading, "Monday's suck!"

 

-5th date she teased me about finding her place of work. I drove her home and asked if she would be up to meeting a couple friends since my grad school friends and I were going to have an end of term beverage. She said it was a big step, so I didn't test having "the talk" for several more weeks.

 

-No date this week (she had a hockey tournament out of state)

 

-6th date was at her place on a Sunday to watch a Wisconsin basketball game and we cooked dinner together. Originally it was at my place but she painted all day Saturday and said the fumes had made her feel off and she still wasn't feeling great Sunday but still wanted to see me so was hoping a change of venue was okay. Plus it let me meet her dog

 

-7th date was amazing we went to dinner and a jazz concert, we had our closest physical contact during the show. She was out of town next weekend but when I dropped her off I got a little caught up in how well things were going that I asked if when she got back we could think about meeting friends. She said ok. I asked if we did do that, should I introduce her has my girlfriend. She said yes.

 

-She comes back from camping on Thursday morning and asks if I was free Saturday as we had planned. I said w/ all her travels let's do something easy like pizza and a movie at my place. Physical nature of relationship escalated that night to making out but not sex

 

-W/ her dog at her condo she couldn't spend the night so when walking back to her car we realized she left her tupperware up in my place and she said, "guess you have a reason to see me again" so I said, "oh, that's such a burden...but about that, when you want to go out again?" and she said Sunday brunch in a week (something she loves but we hadn't done yet). I said that sounded great. I also said that a good friend from back home was in town for corporate training and we were meeting for dinner on Monday so if she could make it with work she should join us.

 

-I text her Sunday after our movie saying it was great to see her and she said she had a good time. She commented that work was particularly rough (first time she had ever complained about her job) so I went to a century old bakery in Chicago and sent a box of cookies to her office.

 

-Next day she texted saying she forgot a friend and her were doing brunch but offered a late lunch during the Blackhawks hockey game

 

-Late date day morning I asked if lunch still worked and she said yes and as we were ironing out plans she mentioned her DIY project running long. I said why not take a rain check if busy, plus the following day with my friend still was a possibility

 

-She texted that a rain check would be great but she didn't want to do dinner with my friend because she didn't know if we had clicked well enough to be exclusive

I responded that I loved her honesty and didn't want her meeting people if she wasn't comfortable and reassured her that everything was fine on my end. I asked if there was anything I could do to help us click. She said we just needed more time together.

 

-We texted normally the rest of that week. I went out of town Thursday to Saturday and everything still seemed normal

 

-Saturday she texted asking if we were still on for Sunday when I got back to town and we settled on Italian dinner. During it she told me about her crazy weekend driving to Indiana, spending the night, coming back and coaching hockey but said she would be free by Sunday night to do something.

 

-Driving her home I suggested meeting mid week (to increase our time together) and she didn't object. She mentioned only if the Blackhawks games didn't start at 8:30 which were too late on a work night

 

-Tuesday (4/28) I put that plan in action and called. During which she said she didn't think we had fully clicked and during the convo she mentioned moving a bit fast and that 'couples can talk about anything' so we decided to not see each other anymore. No one raised voices, no dying decelerations of love, no 'you're breaking my heart.' Nothing...the entire conversation was without conflict.

 

 

I guess I'm confused about clicking because in my mind there are 3 possibilities:

 

1) Chemistry - you can tell that after a couple dates, not 3 months

2) Physical clicking - we were taking things slow and letting it develop so we had made out but had not had sex. It's 2015 though, she could have initiated... but she seemed to want to go slow.

3) Emotional clicking / the major convos (future, politics, religion, exes and sex)... we had talked the first 3 and were in agreement about those aspects only the other 2 were not really talked about.

 

 

In previous relationships ended by me or the other women I know there are clear signals. That didn't happen in ours, so I don't know if she was a commitment-scared, afraid of more sexual intimacy (maybe even a virgin) or if I had done something wrong.

 

She is the first women I have ever thought about telling her that I loved her. We had so many common interests that from our third date on it felt like talking to someone I had known for 20 years, not a few weeks.

 

I just don't get why something seemingly so good crashed and burned in a matter of days after being together nearly 3 months. I have never tried to "get" an ex back nor have I been one to fight for a relationship but I feel very strongly about this one so if I can figure out why we broke up, it will put me a step closer to healing AND if we reconnect be a better boyfriend for her.

 

Lastly, I know I'm not a flawless person. I am reserved and shy. I'm not the type to bring up my exes w/o someone asking. I prefer to let sex happen rather than talk about. I know I'm a classic "nice guy" but at nearly 30, that probably won't change...but I know I'm not a needy-nice guy. Definitely not one of those guys who sends flowers after a first date, FB her right away and I never dropped the L-bomb.

 

My plan right now to have us reconnect is either A) try the no-contact thing. Let her go on a few junky dates while I do my own thing and if she reaches out great, if not in a month I can send a simple text about something (a band we liked, a tv show we liked, etc.)...you all know what I'm talking about or B) reaching out with these questions (not a sappy love letter) but a means of communicating since it seemed like due to previous bad relationships my personal walls could have played a factor (if not main cause). Advice B was from a women, advice A is from the entire internet, multiple friends (men and women) and also much more standard.

 

Sorry for the length but as I said, this is the first break up I have ever had where I genuinely miss what that personal connection did for me. She made me a better person, a more confident person, our different musical tastes brought new bands to my world and our friendly debates about hockey were something I never know if I'll have again (I'll admit it, hockey isn't popular). Thanks in advance to everyone so much!

[SoThatHappened]

My thought is that an ex came back.

 

You also moved a little too fast and were too available to her.

 

She wasn't as invested as you were mentally, likely because you're a "classic nice-guy."

 

Sucks, man. I've been there.

 

Look at dating as a bonus rather than your goal in life. Women are like magnets to men who aren't looking for a wife, but rather a f***-buddy.

 

Don't put women on pedestals, they hate that. Don't treat them like crap, but don't kiss their feet either.

[LAtoChiGuy]

Thanks, some good stuff. I know an ex did NOT comeback and I doubt she met anyone since her schedule was insane (M-F work, Tuesday/Thrusday hockey practice, weekend hockey games and a really long commute) and the few days she was free she was either with me or texting me those days...but from what you said, if no contact works:

 

Slow things down by never bringing up friends again and let her bring up the talk and all that?

AND

How do you be less available without being a dick? I mean we saw each other once a week. We lived 20 minutes away and alternated who would do the drive. It was easier logistically to do things closer to her place since she lives in a condo w/ a parking lot and I live in a much more urban part of Chicago but even with me being cool with going towards her, our dates were still like 50-50 on location.

[Ruby65]

It sounds like what she said was pretty honest -- she just wasn't feeling it for you.

 

Given the timeline of dates you described, this rings true to me.

 

I think it's VERY important that you honor what she's said and accept the relationship is done. You DON'T try to reconnect with someone you met online and very casually dated.

 

You weren't friends before and you're not going to be friends now. Disappear from her world and if she ever changes her mind, she'll let you know.

 

Walk away from this one and get back to dating so you can find someone who's thrilled to be dating you!

 

[Satu]

It just didn't turn out to be what she wanted.

 

You should respect her wishes and let her go.

 

By the way, NC is not a tool to get somebody back.

 

It's a tool to assist healing.