Ex blows off going away party for mutual friend.

[Mrlonelyone]

M an EX I have written about here many times did not show for our Mutual friends going away party. A long time friend of M was there. One of the few, who treated me humanely when we were an item. We can still talk. The guest of honor was someone I knew four years longer than her. She knew of the party I IM'd her on it and she read the IM.

 

 

At any rate, I stayed for half the party. Said my goodbyes and went on with my day. While it is possible she showed late. A total no show or being an hour late disses me and many of our friends.

 

So while M could be very sweet and tender and we were eachothers rocks at a time when we both needed an anchorstone.... she is still a bit immature and unreliable. M is an Ex for reasons of mine and I am for reasons of hers to be sure...but clearly it has not been easy for either of us to find anyone substantially better. Otherwise why communicate?

[d0nnivain]

What was best for her at that moment was not attend the party. Hopefully she said good bye to your mutual friend another way but her issues are hers, not yours.

[Mrlonelyone]

What was best for her at that moment was not attend the party. Hopefully she said good bye to your mutual friend another way but her issues are hers, not yours.

 

True. The one good thing about not being joined to someone is not needing to explain for anyone else.

 

What a catch I had to get caught on.

[Mrlonelyone]

What was best for her at that moment was not attend the party. Hopefully she said good bye to your mutual friend another way but her issues are hers, not yours.

 

Thinking more whatever her malfunction was it could not have been about me. It was not quite a date and so it is not quite being stood up either. Although I feel a moment may have passed with that. I can't even imagine a more perfect setting for us to reconnect, if that is what we both want.

[d0nnivain]

I can't even imagine a more perfect setting for us to reconnect, if that is what we both want.

 

That was probably what she was trying to avoid -- seeing you & being pressured into reconnecting because that isn't what she wanted.

[Mrlonelyone]

That was probably what she was trying to avoid -- seeing you & being pressured into reconnecting because that isn't what she wanted.

 

That is certainly possible. Although, Let us not forget it was her that initiated reaching out to me by calling out of the blue last month. On the other hand she has totally changed her mind about me in the space of a month before. :/

[Simon Phoenix]

That is certainly possible. Although, Let us not forget it was her that initiated reaching out to me by calling out of the blue last month. On the other hand she has totally changed her mind about me in the space of a month before. :/

 

That doesn't mean she wanted any sort of reconciliation. Perhaps your interaction with her at that time freaked her out?

[Mrlonelyone]

That doesn't mean she wanted any sort of reconciliation. Perhaps your interaction with her at that time freaked her out?

 

While theoretically possible I can't think of what I did to freak them out. They called then when I answered she says "wrong number". Then we sent coy and flirty text both ways. If she did not want reconciliation of some kind why send flirty text?

 

On the other hand, this is the ex who in front of her family and all assembled agreed to meet my parents....then when the time came did freak out. Perhaps this is who M really is. Either flaky or she needs to take the lead. From her POV meeting me holds the possibility of rejection by me. That could be it.

 

All I can do is go ghost NC and decide latter if I want to even bother with her in future.

Edited April 28, 2015 by Mrlonelyone

[Simon Phoenix]

While theoretically possible I can't think of what I did to freak them out. They called then when I answered she says "wrong number". Then we sent coy and flirty text both ways. If she did not want reconciliation of some kind why send flirty text?

 

On the other hand, this is the ex who in front of her family and all assembled agreed to meet my parents....then when the time came did freak out. Perhaps this is who M really is. Either flaky or she needs to take the lead. From her POV meeting me holds the possibility of rejection by me. That could be it.

 

All I can do is go ghost NC and decide latter if I want to even bother with her in future.

 

She's not afraid of being rejected by you, trust me. She sent you a flirty text because she can. Because it doesn't matter to her. You have to stop thinking that you and her are on the same page. Just because flirting with her is a way for you to reconcile does not mean she feels the same way. One of the rookiest of rookie mistakes for dumpee is assuming that the dumper has the exact same thought process that they do. If you did, you wouldn't have broken up in the first place.

 

Stop trying to diagnose this. You're broken up and she doesn't want to see you. Live in that reality. If she does something obvious otherwise, then re-evaluate.

[Mrlonelyone]

She's not afraid of being rejected by you, trust me. She sent you a flirty text because she can. Because it doesn't matter to her. You have to stop thinking that you and her are on the same page. Just because flirting with her is a way for you to reconcile does not mean she feels the same way. One of the rookiest of rookie mistakes for dumpee is assuming that the dumper has the exact same thought process that they do. If you did, you wouldn't have broken up in the first place.

 

Stop trying to diagnose this. You're broken up and she doesn't want to see you. Live in that reality. If she does something obvious otherwise, then re-evaluate.

 

Rookie mistake? Dude you must think women are generally insane. Most people have intentions and words that match up. Most grown adults won't avoid a party with their friends and mutual friends and associates just to avoid one person. Especially when they initiated contact with that person in the first place.

 

At any rate as I said I am going NC on her until and unless I get a really solid move from her.

Edited April 28, 2015 by Mrlonelyone

[Simon Phoenix]

Rookie mistake? Dude you must think women are generally insane. Most people have intentions and words that match up. Most grown adults won't avoid a party with their friends and mutual friends and associates just to avoid one person. Especially when they initiated contact with that person in the first place.

 

At any rate as I said I am going NC on her until and unless I get a really solid move from her.

 

I don't think women are insane at all and I don't even know why you went there. Nothing I said was gender related in the least. Just because you feel that something she does is an indicator of something does not mean she feels the same. It has nothing to do with insanity or women or anything -- it has to do with people having their own motivations that are independent from everyone else. You assumed that her motivations for texting you and flirting with you lined up with what your motivations for those actions would be, which is a rookie mistake that a lot of dumpees make, because the dumper rarely has the same perspective that the dumpee has.

 

Something obviously changed from when she initiated the conversation to you to when she decided to not go to a party that you were at. What that change was could be a million things. She could have looked at her flirting after the fact, realized that she sent a message that she didn't want to send, and decided to skip the party to not further lead you on. Maybe she didn't like the response you gave for whatever reason. Maybe she realized that contacting you when she had no desire to reconcile was a bad move and didn't want to double down. Maybe she didn't want to be in a place with you and have people either talking about the situation to themselves or bringing it up to her or you. Who knows, and it's really not important.

[Mrlonelyone]

I don't think women are insane at all and I don't even know why you went there. Nothing I said was gender related in the least.

 

Sorry if I sounded a bit harsh. I just cannot think of anything I've said that would lead you in that direction.

 

 

Just because you feel that something she does is an indicator of something does not mean she feels the same. It has nothing to do with insanity or women or anything -- it has to do with people having their own motivations that are independent from everyone else.

 

That is true but certain things are agreed upon signs and signals. i.e. one does that hang a sign that says "water" on a gas pump or hook up gasoline to come out of a water fountain. One does not take a blue cup and decide to call it red.

 

Flirting is like that. It indicates some degree of interest. Now I could well mistake the degree of interest. To hear your remarks. I would see flirting and it would indicate being afraid and disgusted.

 

 

You assumed that her motivations for texting you and flirting with you lined up with what your motivations for those actions would be, which is a rookie mistake that a lot of dumpees make, because the dumper rarely has the same perspective that the dumpee has.

 

Our situation didn't really have a dumper. We both ended it almost simultaneously. I graduated and moved a long distance away. She rebounded with a dude.

 

She has reached out to me multiple times since then I have ignored most of them.

 

Something obviously changed from when she initiated the conversation to you to when she decided to not go to a party that you were at.

 

Clearly.

 

 

Maybe she didn't want to be in a place with you and have people either talking about the situation to themselves or bringing it up to her or you. Who knows, and it's really not important.

 

I think this is it. Other than generalized flakiness this would make some sense. It is not like we were a secret item. Everyone knew so it could be awkward. Me I JDGAF about that sort of awkwardness. That could explain how being around friends and in a place we shared a lot of time in could be a negative and not a positive.

 

Thanks for the insight.

 

It's not important. I am going NC unless I get a strong move from her.

Edited April 28, 2015 by Mrlonelyone

[Simon Phoenix]

Flirting is sometimes done because it's fun. Some people are natural flirts and some people do it just cause they can. I've been flirted with by people who had no romantic interest in me and I've done the same. It's not nearly as black and white as you are trying to make it out to be. Hell, women flirt with men in bars all the time simply to get their drinks paid for that night. Not all flirting is the same. Sometimes you flirt with someone (like an ex) out of habit. I know I have, and I'm not "insane" .

 

That being said, continuing to rehash it is counterproductive. It's over and done with.

[Mrlonelyone]

Flirting is sometimes done because it's fun. Some people are natural flirts and some people do it just cause they can. I've been flirted with by people who had no romantic interest in me and I've done the same. It's not nearly as black and white as you are trying to make it out to be. Hell, women flirt with men in bars all the time simply to get their drinks paid for that night. Not all flirting is the same. Sometimes you flirt with someone (like an ex) out of habit. I know I have, and I'm not "insane" .

 

My issue is with the tone of your post. It's like you think she was playful and I proposed marriage or something. It was a party for a friend of both of ours who's leaving town forever.

 

 

That being said, continuing to rehash it is counterproductive. It's over and done with.

 

Who's rehashing? I merely updated anyone who's interested on what has gone on with this. Based on the number of reads these threads get some people find it interesting.

[wizer]

She's not afraid of being rejected by you, trust me. She sent you a flirty text because she can. Because it doesn't matter to her. You have to stop thinking that you and her are on the same page. Just because flirting with her is a way for you to reconcile does not mean she feels the same way. One of the rookiest of rookie mistakes for dumpee is assuming that the dumper has the exact same thought process that they do. If you did, you wouldn't have broken up in the first place.

 

Stop trying to diagnose this. You're broken up and she doesn't want to see you. Live in that reality. If she does something obvious otherwise, then re-evaluate.

 

I'm 52 and I've been around the block a few times.

 

I completely agree with the statement quoted above.

 

I also understand why the Op is unable to see it for the excellent advice that it is.

 

Our situation didn't really have a dumper. We both ended it almost simultaneously. I graduated and moved a long distance away. She rebounded with a dude.

 

She has reached out to me multiple times since then I have ignored most of them.

 

You may have ignored most of her attempts to reach out, which is a good thing, but that doesn't mean it was a mutual decision to end the relationship.

 

From what I've read only on this one thread, it appears that if she wanted back in you'd be more than ok with that, and you're digging for signs that she's moving in your direction, and going so far as to see things that aren't even there.

 

Also.. just because she's with someone new right away doesn't necessarily mean it's a rebound. Especially if she was the dumper, she might have been emotionally disconnected from you for quite some time.

Edited April 28, 2015 by wizer

[Mrlonelyone]

You may have ignored most of her attempts to reach out, which is a good thing, but that doesn't mean it was a mutual decision to end the relationship.

 

No, it wouldn't....but my moving a couple hundred miles away is a pretty definite sign of breaking up. (and but for a juicy job offer I would still be that far away)

 

 

 

From what I've read only on this one thread, it appears that if she wanted back in you'd be more than ok with that, and you're digging for signs that she's moving in your direction, and going so far as to see things that aren't even there..

 

 

That's the point of this whole sub forum. It's called "second chances" get it?

 

It is even written over the door.

 

"Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!"

 

Right now I would be willing to explore a second chance with her that I wasn't interested in before. Having dated around* I really haven't found 1/10th of the connection I have with anyone else. People flirt for lots of reasons.... all of which indicate some level of interest. It could be minimal or not. Usually when you have a sexual history together there is a big more context and subtext to things.

 

 

Also.. just because she's with someone new right away doesn't necessarily mean it's a rebound. Especially if she was the dumper, she might have been emotionally disconnected from you for quite some time.

 

It was a rebound

 

The month before we broke up I met her family in her hometown. She made plans for me to come back to her home town with her. It wasn't until it became clear that when I graduated I intended to move a great distance, and that to me that would mean a break if not a break up she was all over me.

Edited April 28, 2015 by Mrlonelyone

[Simon Phoenix]

My issue is with the tone of your post. It's like you think she was playful and I proposed marriage or something. It was a party for a friend of both of ours who's leaving town forever.

 

If that's what you are getting from my posting, then I don't really know what to tell you. I think you need to lower your defense walls a bit -- no one is attacking you or saying that you proposed. Just that after the fact she might have been skittish about the communication, which is something that could have come from her realizing that she might have given you the wrong idea, or just getting a vibe from you based on returning the flirting or just responding that made her regret "poking the bear", so to speak. I'm not attacking you, so settle down.

[Mrlonelyone]

If that's what you are getting from my posting, then I don't really know what to tell you. I think you need to lower your defense walls a bit -- no one is attacking you or saying that you proposed. Just that after the fact she might have been skittish about the communication, which is something that could have come from her realizing that she might have given you the wrong idea, or just getting a vibe from you based on returning the flirting or just responding that made her regret "poking the bear", so to speak. I'm not attacking you, so settle down.

 

I get that now... but the earlier comment made it sound like it is silly to think flirting means interest. It is like saying if a woman jumped in bed and said eff me it would be a mistake to think she wanted to eff.

 

She gave me a right idea at the time. She has always been erratic and hard to pin down.

[Ducktape]

but the earlier comment made it sound like it is silly to think flirting means interest.

It is very silly to think one equals the other, yes. Especially since ...

She has always been erratic and hard to pin down.

 

...

 

I think you're a bit delusional because you wanted it to mean something. You're the one to gave intentions to the act, she didn't. And that's why you're so defensive in here, because you wanted it to be true.

[Simon Phoenix]

Ducktape hit the nail on the head. You keep making it sound like flirting is a no-holds barred indicator of romantic interest in one breath and in the very next breath call your ex erratic and flaky. You can't have it both ways. If anything, your ex's flakiness should make you more skeptical of any flirting coming from her in comparison to the average woman.

 

And once again you're putting words in my mouth that aren't there out of hyper-defensiveness. I never said you were crazy to think that flirting meant something, all I said was that flirting wasn't a 100 percent indicator of romantic interest and gave several examples of instances when flirting does not equal romance. If you would actually read the words that I type instead of inventing your own descriptions of them, this conversation would be more constructive. I'm pretty blunt -- if I have something to say I will come out and say it. If I think you're being crazy, I will literally say you're being crazy.

[Mrlonelyone]

It is very silly to think one equals the other, yes. Especially since ...

 

 

...

 

I think you're a bit delusional because you wanted it to mean something. You're the one to gave intentions to the act, she didn't. And that's why you're so defensive in here, because you wanted it to be true.

 

I am defensive because you are telling me I am "giving things meaning where there isn't any".

 

Flirting is not meaningless. If it was people would flirt in person with any person on the street, or dial up random numbers for phone sex. They don't. Therefore flirting means something.

 

Words have meanings and actions have content.

 

 

The many of you are guilty of a common thing when it comes to the way people think about these sorts of interactions, rewriting history*.

 

 

What was done was done. At the time it meant what it meant. Then at a latter time one possible action, attending that party, was not done. That does not change what was done, flirting.

 

I see where you are coming from and I appreciate your intent. The general advice on each and every thread here is go NC move on. Not just mine but all of them.

 

Answer me this... in all the time you have offered your advice in this subforum have you ever EVER said "go for it"? .. cite the link to that post too.

 

As I have said I am going NC for now. What I don't get is why my being open to hearing from her in the future is a bad thing and makes me defensive"?

[Ducktape]

Fine.

 

She totes have fallen back in love with you and the pressure of being rejected by you at the party made her run away for the hills because breaking up what the biggest mistake of her life and she can't deal with it very well.

[Mrlonelyone]

Fine.

 

She totes have fallen back in love with you and the pressure of being rejected by you at the party made her run away for the hills because breaking up what the biggest mistake of her life and she can't deal with it very well.

 

"totes"?

 

Is that really such a far fetched possibility? To me that makes more sense than her initiating some really intense flirting...almost phone sex while being totally not into me and never ever wanting to see my annoying @$$ again.

 

Either possibility speaks to a level of maturity. The downside of a very sweet young woman can be just that. She's not going to react like an experienced 30 something.

[Ruby65]

It's called an ego stroke, and dumpers do it all the time.

 

Not to say your ex probably doesn't miss you.... and enjoy flirting.... but to think that probably means interest is kind of naive.

 

I think this is a situation where you want to believe what you want to believe.... and if people try and tell you otherwise, you'll just attack them for it and be defensive.

 

So -- go for it! Live and learn.

[Kamille]

Is M the woman you hung out with but never really dated? Did anything serious ever happen between the two of you?

 

I say this with as much care as I can: MrLonelyone, you need to let go of her. You are grasping at straws when it comes to this woman, trying to build something that was at best a sliver of mutual interest into a full-blown romance.

 

When someone is into you, you will know it. The longer you try to read into the actions of people, the more damage you do to your self-esteem and the longer you delay the possibility of finding real love.