Jump to content

1 month broken up, 2 weeks NC


Recommended Posts

Hey so, me and my girlfriend were together close to 6 months (doesnt sound alot and I realise that) but we got stuff rolling and rolling fast.

She had only 1 previous relationship from the age of 15 to 25, she also had a child with this guy. Anyway they were broken up for over a year when we met each other, From my previous relationship towards the end I picked up some trust issues and began to have low self esteem. Between her and my new ex I never dealt with this problem and 4 months into my new relationship It surfaced and I became controlling and jealous. 2 months later we split, a week after we split we met a few times, talked alot and even kissed. I made promises that I was gonna get help and change but she kept bringing up excuses why she thought it couldnt work.

The sunday of the week we broke up she text me saying she hopes I do change and I change for myself because she wouldnt be there to see it, she said it was too late and that the jealousy and control would feel like a snake in a basket waiting to come out.

So the next day I went and started my theropy anyway and ive been in that for a close to a month now, Im making these changes for myself but I do want her back, we havent been in contact over the phone but she views my snap stories and likes every instagram picture I put out. I wrote her a "letter" explaining everything, theres bits about the changes im going through, explaining where it all stemmed from, wished her and her son to be happy and telling her how I feel about our situation. I was just thinking if you guys think its a good idea, I guess I dont know what im expecting from doing this maybe I dont expect anything at all. I wont know my feelings til ive sent it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I guess you'll have to think a bit further. What will her reaction be if she sees your letter? No matter what your intentions are, she will see you as being needy, trying to fix stuff and beg her back. It will only set you back from whatever progress you've made, whatever impression she has for you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Being needy was never a problem we had, we understood each other and it was never talked about, like how much time we spent together or attention etc. I dont know if that makes sense. The be all and end all was from my own issues, I know people say its both parties who are the cause, but this time round it was sole my fault. I meant that because we havent talked for 2 weeks now it would feel more needy to send a text with all thats going on. I feel like my point of the letter is abit lost in translation. Like the meaning of sending it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix
Care to elaborate?

 

1. They make you look needy and pathetic

2. They make the ex uncomfortable

3. Anyone who writes a letter does it to get a dramatically positive response

4. That dramatic positive response almost never happens due to 1 and 2

5. The actual response (if you actually get one) is usually negative/neutral, or something that prompts more questions

6. Closure is never achieved. If anything, it causes more confusion

 

Do I really need to go on? Writing letters can be therapeutic, but do not send them. It's really one of the most basic rookie mistake a dumpee can make. I mean, before even proposing such an idea, a quick search on this site would completely outline in detail how terrible an idea it is.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ManyDissapoint

I poured my heart out in a letter, laying out all my thoughts about the relationship, taking blame where I deserved it and reiterating my position about why she was treating me unfairly. It was the most heart wrenching thing I've ever done.

 

Her response was a perfectly passive aggressive "Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours"...

 

...seven days later.

 

Letters...not even once.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ManyDissapoint
She didnt even say thankyou for the letter?

 

No she did not. She had completely demonized me in her mind to justify her actions and to assuage her guilt.

 

Writing the letter just made me feel awful.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

You know, my shrink said this is good for me to write a letter with all that im thinking and feeling, I brought it to him and he said it was Honest and it was good how I was able to admit with my wrong doing, he then said I should send it to her immediatly, after I sent it i had a great sense of relief, like I dont care what the outcome is anymore, everything is right there on the paper, nothing more nothing less. I now figure that he perhaps knows the outcome of this all to well and he wants her "out of the way" as its obviously me he's working on as the problems lie with myself. Im not expecting much if anything at all in the sense of a reply from her but anything more than silence ill treat as a bonus.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm so often shocked at how many therapists just don't *get it* about breakup recovery!

 

It's like having a patient who's quitting smoking and telling them to go ahead and have *just one* because that's what they want to do.

 

Oh well. What's done is done. Try to let it go! :)

 

Maybe she'll say something in response that will help you move on. Sometimes I think you need to get that door slammed in your face a few times before you can accept that it's really time to walk away. ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I think perhaps he understands the bigger picture, that is I needed to get this out the way so I could begin to concentrate on just myself. Im already well on my way anyway, other than this letter im sticking to NC anyway. It will be hard cuz we train at the same times but ill just get on with my own **** and ignore her, you think thats the best way or should I be "civil"?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Uff, thats not possible to change gym but I can change my schedule. Onwards and upwards! Ill keep u posted if I hear anything regarding the letter. Any other advice or am I on the right track? I should probably delete her from snapchat instagram and facebook, right?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix
You know, my shrink said this is good for me to write a letter with all that im thinking and feeling, I brought it to him and he said it was Honest and it was good how I was able to admit with my wrong doing, he then said I should send it to her immediatly, after I sent it i had a great sense of relief, like I dont care what the outcome is anymore, everything is right there on the paper, nothing more nothing less. I now figure that he perhaps knows the outcome of this all to well and he wants her "out of the way" as its obviously me he's working on as the problems lie with myself. Im not expecting much if anything at all in the sense of a reply from her but anything more than silence ill treat as a bonus.

 

Your therapist didn't do you any favors there, but I guess what's done is done. No more crap like that though -- it's time to start moving forward.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Your therapist didn't do you any favors there, but I guess what's done is done. No more crap like that though -- it's time to start moving forward.

 

Yea no more crap like that. Its done, its out my system and off my chest! I hate that I have to change my crossfit classes for her though, god dammit!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author

Well it took her awhile to get my letter as I sent it just before the easter holidays. I got a reply from her yesterday morning saying the letter was Both good and sad to read, she was happy to see im recovering and getting help with my insecurities, she then went on to say she had no reply. She sat on the letter for 2 days as she didnt think she was ready to read it. Guess her curiosity got the better of her. Anyway I told her I was sad she didnt have a reply but that I understood.

 

I then asked her right out if this was something she was 100% certain on and that she wants us both to start moving on, to which she spent 20 mins trying to write a reply which she couldnt do. She then said "im not home, can I reply to you when I have your letter infront of me and I can read it a few more times"

 

So overall im happy she read it and achknowledged it even if nothing comes of it. A mutual friend talked to her in her work place a few days ago and he said my ex body language was completely different as to what it was when we first broke up (she acted really cold and sure), she asked him so many questions about what I did over the easter, who I was with.. why she hasnt seen me at training and how I was doing etc..

Link to post
Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix
Well it took her awhile to get my letter as I sent it just before the easter holidays. I got a reply from her yesterday morning saying the letter was Both good and sad to read, she was happy to see im recovering and getting help with my insecurities, she then went on to say she had no reply. She sat on the letter for 2 days as she didnt think she was ready to read it. Guess her curiosity got the better of her. Anyway I told her I was sad she didnt have a reply but that I understood.

 

I then asked her right out if this was something she was 100% certain on and that she wants us both to start moving on, to which she spent 20 mins trying to write a reply which she couldnt do. She then said "im not home, can I reply to you when I have your letter infront of me and I can read it a few more times"

 

So overall im happy she read it and achknowledged it even if nothing comes of it. A mutual friend talked to her in her work place a few days ago and he said my ex body language was completely different as to what it was when we first broke up (she acted really cold and sure), she asked him so many questions about what I did over the easter, who I was with.. why she hasnt seen me at training and how I was doing etc..

 

Stop talking to her dude. You wrote the letter and sent it, no more. Time to move forward. And stop getting updates from your friends about her -- that doesn't do a lick of good.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
So overall im happy she read it and achknowledged it even if nothing comes of it.

 

 

What's sad is that this new contact has given you new hope.... and this is why contact usually only leads to fresh disappointment... to more pain and suffering.

 

There's reason to hope when someone who's dumped you contacts you and asks for another chance. Everything else? It doesn't mean anything.

 

When you continue to contact her.... she's on the spot, feeling guilty, not wanting to look bad.... but NO, she hasn't changed her mind -- she would've contacted you herself if she had. Right now she's just looking for a way to come through this without looking like "the bad guy" to you and your friends.

 

Please stop this contact. Breaking up isn't like therapy. Communicating with your ex DOESN'T bring peace or closure.

 

Putting time and distance between you DOES bring peace and closure.

 

Contact = Pain

No Contact = Healing

 

You can end this now by letting her know you won't be in contact for a while so you can heal and move on. Wish her the best, thank her for understanding -- and then block her everywhere online and on your phone so this can all stop.

 

Create space for yourself to start healing.... NOW. Don't drag this out another week or two, waiting for her to get back to you.

 

You can start healing now!

 

Good luck to you. :)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

So we spent the whole night talking last night and we both said we missed each other think about each other and still love each other. But over this almost 2 months she has let me go and she wants me to move on. She wants to be alone to do whatever she wants whenever she wants without having to "confide" in someone else.

 

She wants to do stuff for herself which I understand as she was previously in a 10 year relationship from the age of 15 in which she did everything for her family and her partner, she is really happy that im in therapy but the changes im making wont change the feeling she has about us in the end.

 

We both ended the talk with alot more respect for each other. I told her id always be there for her and it would never be too late for me, I dont believe in this no contact thing that its good for everyone, its close to impossible we dont see each other in such a small town, the closure was a fantastic AND sad feeling and I feel glad that we spent the night talking. It did and does hurt.

 

Thanks for your input guys, it did help me a little and im sorry if I seemed to knock it or go against it but you understand everyones situation is different. I did end with deleting her from facebook, instagram and snapchat cuz I dont need to see what shes doing with her life until im sure I can handle everything. Peace and love!

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

We both ended the talk with alot more respect for each other. I told her id always be there for her and it would never be too late for me, I dont believe in this no contact thing that its good for everyone, its close to impossible we dont see each other in such a small town, the closure was a fantastic AND sad feeling and I feel glad that we spent the night talking. It did and does hurt.

 

 

That's not closure. That's you being her doormat for whenever she wants to come back. You told her you'll always be there? As a doormat? Lol.

 

So basically she can **** around and do what ever she wants knowing that you're home waiting for her call to come back when ever she is done with the screwing around?

 

Why do you do this to yourself?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hmm. Im not home waiting for her, im not waiting about for such an event to happen. And im for sure as hell no doormat! :) Its tiresome to want to explain the whole conversation so I gave it in a nutshell. It wasnt just like, hey are we 100% done? Yes we are, okay ill be here waiting for you when you do want this. Sant?

 

I got my closure from knowing its time to stop fighting and move on, I needed to hear that conversation from her in order to do so. (Wasnt a clear cut break up) Fair enough I left the door open, but Im not gonna stand in that door waiting. I hope you can understand what im saying. Im not gonna talk with her through phone or social media unless she engages it, but if I see her in the street or gym, which I will in my tiny town, I wont avoid her... ill be civil, nothing more nothing less. Limited contact I think its called?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix
Hmm. Im not home waiting for her, im not waiting about for such an event to happen. And im for sure as hell no doormat! :) Its tiresome to want to explain the whole conversation so I gave it in a nutshell. It wasnt just like, hey are we 100% done? Yes we are, okay ill be here waiting for you when you do want this. Sant?

 

I got my closure from knowing its time to stop fighting and move on, I needed to hear that conversation from her in order to do so. (Wasnt a clear cut break up) Fair enough I left the door open, but Im not gonna stand in that door waiting. I hope you can understand what im saying. Im not gonna talk with her through phone or social media unless she engages it, but if I see her in the street or gym, which I will in my tiny town, I wont avoid her... ill be civil, nothing more nothing less. Limited contact I think its called?

 

Why would you talk to her on the phone or social media if she engages it? You've already said what you say you needed to say, why would you answer her now? Unless she tells you she wants you back, there's nothing for you to say. You don't need limited contact, you don't need to wait around, you need to move forward.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I am moving forward. But I wont ignore her is all im saying. But ill never initiate contact with her first, if she gets intouch ill reply. Thats all, nothing more nothing less.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...