Can I win her back ? Do second chances really exist ?

[replay25]

I recently moved to another country to continue my studies in my field. I was in a relationship of 4 years at the time. When I came here I fell in love with a female colleague (27 years old). She knew about my relationship and we proceeded in having a secret relationship of our own. This was two months before Christmas. On Christmas I went to visit my girlfriend.

 

The expectations were that I would break up and come back to my new love. I was very guilty and I couldn't do it although I really wanted to but my guilt would not let me. When I came back I told my colleague that I could not do it and I needed some time. She burst into tears and we had a breakdown. We communicated from now and then, still showing interest with some hand holding and sexual talk some time, but nothing more happened.

 

After about a month I finally did break up, I told her and she seemed happy. We spent a few days together more or less happy and getting close again. We did not have sex again but we did sleep together, took baths together etc... She seemed distant and I asked her about it. She told me that she was still angry at me and didn't know what to do with this new situation. She told me that she did not expect I would break up. After a few days of more or less drifting apart I asked her again. She said she doesn't know how she feels, that she still likes me but it's hard for her to let me in again. She also mentioned that she thinks I need time for my breakup. I have a feeling that her friends told her to hold back until she is sure I've broken up for good or to even not trust me again.

 

This feels really bad because the time we spent as a couple was the most amazing time, we had so much in common and we really clicked. She even said the L word.She is a very independent woman (being Dutch) so I feel I should not put any pressure on her. Because we are in the same study program we will be moving almost at the same time to another country for about 6 months and maybe more. So she will be in my life more or less.

 

After about a week I asked her for a small meeting to chat and she accepted. I confronted her about her roommates putting thoughts in her head and she accepted this. Also that she put some thoughts in her own head about it after our last weekend together. She says she can't trust me now and she is not willing to try because she doesn't want to get her heart broken twice by me and that I also moved too fast after I broke up and we spend some days together.

 

I told her that I will stop chasing her and if we are meant to be together we have time. Anyway she finally said that we should try and remain professionals in our work but not friends right now because it will be awkward to be around each other. Told her that I really love her (first time I said it, to which she almost teared up) and I would never break her heart again, and she said that I am saying big words... I could see conflict inside her and that she was hurting too. So I let it be...

 

So an important thing to note here. I think this is where all got ****ed up. Valentine's day, amazing time together, this was before she started to become distant. She was even telling me that this is the beginning of something wonderful... Anyway, she mentions a party that will be on next Saturday and how we should go there. I said ok and left it at that.

 

Now when I met her on Wednesday, we were still a bit closer, with kissing and hugging during our elevator rides in the office. So I mentioned the party, and she said that she will be there with her colleagues... So I got a bit upset, and told her "OK I got it, you are trying to prove you are independent..." and left...

 

So I guess all hell broke loose... Next day all I got was a hug and after that we drifted apart. So during our last talk she was also saying things like that we can't work out because she is very independent and I am too sensitive and jealous... Which I am not... I was just going through a ****ing hard breakup...

 

Then I went no contact for 3 weeks, she was away for two weeks on some training seminars. They day she got back she sent me an email in the evening. She was just asking how life was. I did not answer. The next day I went by her office to welcome her back and ask how the trip was. Well she wasn't as cold as I expected, she was friendly and smiley and we had a nice chat which I cut short and went back to work. I saw her again one more time and we had another small chat, about random stuff. Just a friendly interaction. Did not mention anything about us and left it at that...

 

So how do I proceed from now on ? Should I continue this no contact thing ? Basically I know that the past is broken and my only chance is to start over. Can the feelings she had be completely gone or she basically convinced herself that she will be hurt again and all the feelings are boiling under the surface here ?

 

In about a month she will be moving to the new place, and I will already be there, so this might be a good start again, but do I try and be friendly and bring her back in my life in a way, or should I just remain distant and see if she will initiate something ??

 

Thank you for reading through all my rumblings here... Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

 

Thank you for being patient enough to read through all my rumblings!!!

[kendahke]

She is a rebound relationship.

 

I really don't see this taking off. That ship sailed when you came back and hadn't ended your 4 year relationship like you said you would. It was bad form to even have gotten involved with her while you were already in a relationship--that is probably in her head, too--you did it with her, you'd do it to her.

 

I think you should just focus on your studies and let her go do what she's going to go do. If she wants to be with you, she'll come around; perhaps she'll stick around, perhaps she won't. I just don't think rebound relationships have the requisite traction to move forward.

[replay25]

It was not a rebound relationship. I broke up because I wanted to be with her... And the important thing here is what all this meant to her not me right now, because she is the one stepping back...

 

I guess I should remain no contact again and see what happens. We will be together in a new country in about a month. Maybe this could be a chance for a fresh start...

 

Any advice on what to do right now ? Or just keep doing nothing ?

Edited March 31, 2015 by replay25

[angel.eyes]

She watched you cheat for months on your last girlfriend. Ironic since you cheated with her, but how can she trust you not to repeat your deceit when you move again to a new environment with a new set of options? Your words to your last girlfriend were pretty meaningless following your previous transition.

 

What exactly were you hoping to accomplish by cheating? Your last relationship still ended. Your ex was still hurt by a breakup. I don't know how to say this in a way that doesn't sound harsh, but all you did was reveal that you're untrustworthy and lack character and integrity. No one wants that in a romantic partner.

 

Just learn from your mistakes and start over. Rather than delaying the inevitable next time, end one relationship cleanly before starting another.

 

What should you do now? Just let your colleague go. She'll either move on or come back. Even if she does give you another chance, understand that trust, or rather lack of trust, will figure in your relationship dynamic.

[replay25]

I know I screwed up. And I know I should have ended things first before diving in another relationship. It was all so overwhelming and happened so fast. I know this does not make me a better person and it is in no way an excuse. But this is just how it happened.

 

And my colleague had also been in this situation before. Broke up for another guy. But in her case he didn't want anything more than sex, so she was in a bad situation. But despite this I didn't qualify her as "once a cheater, always a cheater..." Anyway. Nothing to do I guess but lay low and wait to see what happens

[Ruby65]

She watched you cheat for months on your last girlfriend. Ironic since you cheated with her, but how can she trust you not to repeat your deceit when you move again to a new environment with a new set of options? Your words to your last girlfriend were pretty meaningless following your previous transition.

 

Agreed. You made your bed, so to speak.

 

Take it as a life lesson: cheaters never prosper.

[replay25]

Focusing too much on the cheating part. And I get that...

 

But it's unfair to be judged by this. You have no idea what I went through to end this relationship, and I've never cheated before in my life. And to this day it still makes me feel sick to my stomach. But I just fell in love with another girl, she knew about it, and she accepted it. She was happy when I ended things because this was my intention all along and she was a part of this.

 

I don't want to hear once a cheater always a cheater. What I am asking here is how to deal with the situation and maximizes any (slim) chances I might have to win her over again...

[Ruby65]

Honestly.... there's nothing past cheating.

 

It's the lowest form of behavior in the realm of human love relationships.

 

So, sorry. You don't get to just wipe that away.....

[replay25]

So basically you are going by a cheater stereotype here... And you mean to tell me that healthy and loving relationships have not started by one or both of the partners cheating on somebody else ? Come on.....

 

This is at least hypocritical and bordering on denial. You cannot classify all people the same based on some action without having any more information...

 

Anyway, I am not going to change your mind about this and I don't really want to.

 

My problem here was not the cheating part. The problem was that after the breakup I tried to move to fast with her and got a bit needy, which she interpreted as not being compatible with each other. This is what I would like to have advice on. So if you only focus on the cheating part, please don't...

[Ruby65]

You're a cheater when you have a girlfriend but have sex with another woman.

 

And you lie about it to keep it secret.

 

There's no one on earth who would consider you "boyfriend material" after that behavior, sorry.

[No Limit]

And you mean to tell me that healthy and loving relationships have not started by one or both of the partners cheating on somebody else ?

 

In this forum people have often argued about "exact numbers" but what everyone will agree on is that the majority of relationships starting from affairs/cheating simply fail or never get started to begin with, like in your case.

 

I think you've cheated so often you're already used to it, seeing how you doubt that none of the happy relationships you hear about include cheating. Yet here you are, your GF thankfully gone and free from your selfishness and even your sidechick doesn't want to hear from you because she's not that naive. You fell for the "excitement" feeling every affair has and confused it with "love".

 

But, to answer your thread title - do second chances exist? Yes. Do they work out? Rarely. I also believe you should think very hard what a relationship is all about before getting into another one. Not once has your post indicated that you cared in the slightest for your exes' feelings, it's been you you you only. Have you ever thought about staying single for a while?

[angel.eyes]

Oh, so she had her own history of cheating too! That's why you think she shouldn't care about your cheating?!? Rich!

 

I don't believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater," but I suspect in your case, based on what you say, the likelihood of it applying is quite high...and Ms. Co-Cheater certainly gets that. After you had moved on to someone else, you were okay with stringing along someone you no longer cared for. Little Ms. Co-Cheater had to pressure you to break up with your ex-girlfriend.

 

Now, fine! We can't possibly understand how special a snowflake your new girl was and how that justified cheating. You were so completely overwhelmed you just had to cheat for months instead of breaking up with your ex-girlfriend first. It was all so difficult for you.

 

That's your explanation. Great. You head off to wherever it is you'll be moving to soon. When some uber-special little snowflake in your new environment flutters across your radar and overwhelms you, are you going to stop everything and go break up with the snowflake cheater you're pining after right now? Or will the focus once again be on how hard it is for you to display even a shred of integrity? Remember she's witnessed first-hand how you handle these types of situations. Only this time she won't be the exciting new girl coming in, she'll be the jilted, foolish girlfriend trying to figure out why you're so distant, etc.

 

Since you don't see how your cheating is a problem, you're grasping for straws...maybe I was too clingy, etc. Your problems started as soon as your ex was out of the picture. Your colleague understood where her future lay. She'd finally won the competition against your ex, but who would really want such a "prize"...a self-centered cheater without remorse?

[kendahke]

It was not a rebound relationship. I broke up because I wanted to be with her...

 

...without having gone through a period of time to process out the demise of your last relationship. How you went about this is the text book definition of rebound, whether you agree with it or not.

 

And the important thing here is what all this meant to her not me right now, because she is the one stepping back...

 

She never should have stepped to you in the first place, seeing you were not free to be with her.

 

I guess I should remain no contact again and see what happens. We will be together in a new country in about a month. Maybe this could be a chance for a fresh start...

 

Any advice on what to do right now ? Or just keep doing nothing ?

 

I wouldn't put a whole lot of store in events in the next month. You should concentrate on the real reason why you're there and let her do what she's going to do. If it's meant for you two to work things out, then that'll happen. But she's showing you right now that to her, it's not wisdom to be involved with you.