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Heart vs mind struggle


Roundtheoutside

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Roundtheoutside

My girlfriend and I have been together for 1.5yrs and all is great. Her three kids get along great with my two. I sold my house and moved in with her. But earlier in the relationship, ie, first couple months. I started noticing her sneaky phone habits. When I would come into the room she would quickly close aps until she was at the homescreen. Or she would get text messages and not look at them until she was alone or could angle her screen.

 

On one particular night in the first couple months it was particularly obvious so when I got the chance i looked at her phone (wrong to do but something wasn't right). When I looked of course I saw her saying to her girlfriend that she might sleep with a Co worker from her last job. They had always had some sexual tension between each other. I confronted her on this and we eventually worked it out. Although she was over the top pissed that I looked at her phone and never took any responsibility for her actions in making me feel like I needed to look or what she was planning. So six months later and no change in her sneaky phone habits.

 

One night again I had had enough. So I looked again. No surprise to what I found. This time there were several things. First off, her first sexual experience after leaving her marriage was to this guy she sketched(oh ya... She's an artist). She said she sketched him about five times before I came into the picture. Since I came into her life this guy has repeatedly asked her to sketch him. I told her that I didn't want her to because of their sexual history. She said it wasn't a sexual thing... Just art. Yet in his text to her all he kept saying was jacking off on her tits. So yes it is very sexual.

 

She eventually agrees to sketch him secretly, but not in her house because it could lead to cheating. So she could cheat. In another exs text he tells her that his cock misses her and her reply was... "not a singular desire, mutual". Their sexual history is more troubling to me because it had a definite fifty Shades of Grey angle sexually. So I'm certainly concerned about any sneaky hookups. My only way to verify is by looking at her phone. If I talk to her she will just become better at hiding it. I need to see that it isn't going anywhere.

 

I know I should leave but our kids get along well and we are good together, in all ways. She just can't let go of her past. Also, her best friend is a guy she dated for six months then she dumped. He has no kids and no interest in hers. They get along almost to well and yet sexual I know they don't. However, she is constantly asking him to go away on a quick get away. In a b&b or a cabin. I have met him. When ever she is talking to him on the phone she sounds like a high school girl. She goes to his house a couple times a month for dinner and wine and stays from 4-6hrs.

 

I'm close to the end with all of it but damn our kids get along so well but when ever she's AWOL from the phone for hrs I'm suspicious.

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Sounds like you have to cut all ties FOR the kids sake. It will just get worse from on here on out

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Wow, yeah -- she's cheating with this sketch guy and likely with her "best friend" as well.

 

As a single mom, I have to say it's really heartbreaking to hear about someone throwing away what could be a really successful blended family so she can act out like a horny teenager.

 

But that's what she's doing: throwing it away.

 

She needs to feel the consequences of her actions, NOW.

 

Take your kids and leave. She doesn't get you back in her life until she's confessed everything and no longer hiding her phone from you. Draw some boundaries, make some demands.

 

But yeah -- because there are kids involved, I'd leave the door open for her to come back IF she's willing to do a total 180.

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I agree with the other posters. She's given you ample reason, not just to be suspicious, but to move on. That's what I would recommend.

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GorillaTheater

It's not even a close question. This isn't a situation where you need to sit down and carefully weigh the pros and cons of the relationship. It's not even worth talking about it with her.

 

You don't accept the unacceptable: just bail.

 

I hope you still have the money from the sale of your house.

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Break up with her and move out immediately. Cut all ties, everything. These kids aren't yours so you cannot save them from their bad mother. Get into a hotel until you find your own apartment. You should have left the first time you noticed "sneaky behavior".

 

And block her on everything. No "second chance", nothing. It has a reason why the dads of her 3 kids aren't around you know.

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Roundtheoutside

Ty to all who took the time to read and reply. I agree with all of you. Here is where the mind vs heart comes in. She actually hasn't done anything yet apart from the texting. I think she needs the affirmation of needing to be desirable by others. When life turns crap for anyone we look to others for positive reinforcement. Even when we have someone right by our side. I seem to be waiting to catch her in the actual act. Where as I know I should leave now. Wrong I know. I'm not an insecure guy. Buy when I leave, I leave for good and there is zero contact with me. I do love her.

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GorillaTheater

The mixed emotions are certainly understandable. It seems pretty clear to those of us viewing things from a distance, but it's another thing when you're knee-deep in the mess. The best advice remains extricating yourself from the mess.

 

So what are you going to do?

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It sounds like she's gone past *just texting*, sorry to say.

 

You think she's going to leave anything really incriminating on her phone, knowing you've already checked it?

 

And she goes off to her ex-boyfriend's house a few times a month alone for dinner and wine and stays for 4-6 hours? What's THAT about? You think they're playing Scrabble over there?

 

:(

 

When life turns crap for anyone we look to others for positive reinforcement. Even when we have someone right by our side.

 

^ Who told you that -- ??

 

If you really want to make this work, I'd see if she's open to some couples counselling.

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Michelle ma Belle
My girlfriend and I have been together for 1.5yrs and all is great. Her three kids get along great with my two. I sold my house and moved in with her. But earlier in the relationship, ie, first couple months. I started noticing her sneaky phone habits. When I would come into the room she would quickly close aps until she was at the homescreen. Or she would get text messages and not look at them until she was alone or could angle her screen. On one particular night in the first couple months it was particularly obvious so when I got the chance i looked at her phone (wrong to do but something wasn't right). When I looked of course I saw her saying to her girlfriend that she might sleep with a Co worker from her last job. They had always had some sexual tension between each other. I confronted her on this and we eventually worked it out. Although she was over the top pissed that I looked at her phone and never took any responsibility for her actions in making me feel like I needed to look or what she was planning. So six months later and no change in her sneaky phone habits. One night again I had had enough. So I looked again. No surprise to what I found. This time there were several things. First off, her first sexual experience after leaving her marriage was to this guy she sketched(oh ya... She's an artist). She said she sketched him about five times before I came into the picture. Since I came into her life this guy has repeatedly asked her to sketch him. I told her that I didn't want her to because of their sexual history. She said it wasn't a sexual thing... Just art. Yet in his text to her all he kept saying was jacking off on her tits. So yes it is very sexual. She eventually agrees to sketch him secretly, but not in her house because it could lead to cheating. So she could cheat. In another exs text he tells her that his cock misses her and her reply was... "not a singular desire, mutual". Their sexual history is more troubling to me because it had a definite fifty Shades of Grey angle sexually. So I'm certainly concerned about any sneaky hookups. My only way to verify is by looking at her phone. If I talk to her she will just become better at hiding it. I need to see that it isn't going anywhere. I know I should leave but our kids get along well and we are good together, in all ways. She just can't let go of her past. Also, her best friend is a guy she dated for six months then she dumped. He has no kids and no interest in hers. They get along almost to well and yet sexual I know they don't. However, she is constantly asking him to go away on a quick get away. In a b&b or a cabin. I have met him. When ever she is talking to him on the phone she sounds like a high school girl. She goes to his house a couple times a month for dinner and wine and stays from 4-6hrs. I'm close to the end with all of it but damn our kids get along so well but when ever she's AWOL from the phone for hrs I'm suspicious.

 

In response to the points I put in bold - I think you're being a bit delusional my friend.

 

I'm sorry OP but this so wrong on so many levels! What's even more heartbreaking is that you're willing to make all kinds of excuses to justify her behavior.

 

So what if the kids get along, what about YOU and YOUR happiness? Do you really want to spend the rest of your relationship being suspicious of your partner? Constantly walking on eggshells, sneaking around and checking her phone, wondering where she's going and whose she's been with? Because that's exactly what will happen.

 

You confronted her and she's not only done NOTHING to change but she hasn't even tried to change for the sake of your relationship and all your kids. What kind of person does this except a selfish one. HUGE red flag. Is this someone you really want in your life...around YOUR children?

 

And as far as your comment that "She actually hasn't done anything yet apart from the texting", how do you really know this? You don't. Please don't be so naive.

 

At this point I think you need forget the heart and mind and go with your gut. What is it saying to you?

 

It's abundantly clear to all of us on LS that this woman isn't worth your time or energy.

 

The rest if up to you.

 

Good luck.

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And you have not dumped her and moved out why?

 

That should be the first thing on your list today. The sun should not set today without you having made inquiries into a place for you and your children to move by the middle of this month. And do not tell her that you're moving until the van has pulled up and is loading out your belongings.

 

She will lie to you and promise she won't stop chasing other men, but you know and I know that once you're lulled back into a stupor, she's going to be back to her behavior. She doesn't want a relationship: she wants someone subsidizing her life so she can afford it.

 

I fail to see how "all is great" in this relationship with a liar and cheater.

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Ty to all who took the time to read and reply. I agree with all of you. Here is where the mind vs heart comes in. She actually hasn't done anything yet apart from the texting.

 

YES SHE HAS!! SHE'S LIED IN YOUR FACE!!! Her intention is to keep going after you had the confrontation and "worked it out", what ever that's supposed to mean. To her, clearly, it means lull you back into a stupor then pick up where she left off.

 

I think she needs the affirmation of needing to be desirable by others.

 

Fine--do you want to share her with others, too, while you're at it? If she's got problems like that, then she needs to be talking to a therapist.

 

When life turns crap for anyone we look to others for positive reinforcement. Even when we have someone right by our side.

 

What's all this "we" isht? No "we" don't. I don't look to other men and tell them that missing their dicque is a mutual thing; I don't let other men jack off on my tits, either. I don't seek validation from men I'm not involved with when I'm with someone.

 

I seem to be waiting to catch her in the actual act. Where as I know I should leave now. Wrong I know. I'm not an insecure guy. Buy when I leave, I leave for good and there is zero contact with me. I do love her.

 

But do you love yourself more? Do you love being cuckolded?

 

You need to leave. For good. Zero contact. She is not worth all of this twisting up like a pretzel.

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Ty to all who took the time to read and reply. I agree with all of you. Here is where the mind vs heart comes in. She actually hasn't done anything yet apart from the texting. I think she needs the affirmation of needing to be desirable by others. When life turns crap for anyone we look to others for positive reinforcement. Even when we have someone right by our side. I seem to be waiting to catch her in the actual act. Where as I know I should leave now. Wrong I know. I'm not an insecure guy. Buy when I leave, I leave for good and there is zero contact with me. I do love her.

 

Given the sexually explicit contents of the texts, there is at the VERY least an emotional affair. Highly likely a physical one. People don't text about ejaculating onto someone's body parts, or that their "cock" misses them if there isn't something going on. And she responded that the feeling is mutual, no? I am not sure what you're waiting for, but whatever it is, I am not sure how it could be worse than that.

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Really sorry because this is a tough situation for you and it is great that the kids get on so well. Can you really put up with this kind of treatment and infidelity for the sake of the kids? You could probably find a way for the kids to meet up, if not you and her, if you separate.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Roundtheoutside

So I struggle with actually ending this. I know I have to and will. There is a big part of me that says... Wait it out a little longer. Recently another guy from her initial separation year 2013 has popped up. Her rock climbing buddy. This guy I remember her going climbing with several times a couple months into our relationship. She knows I would have loved to go also but she wouldn't let me. So recently she left her Facebook open on the TV and I saw this conversation before it turned to her phone with texting. Turns out he's super hot but super dumb. Back in 2013 I had asked her if he was a sexual relationship and she had replied no. If fact she said she thought he was gay. When he surfaced two weeks ago again I tried to fish out some details and this time I got the feeling they were sexual. I don't care what she did before me. But no need to lie about it. So last week I asked outright and she sternly denied any sex. Now back in the Facebook conversation he says to her... Does he know i climbed you. I climbed you everything I saw you. Funny thing is, the guy she dated just before me, we'll she wanted him the most he just didn't want her and her boys. She started climbing with this guy while dating him because he was more fun. So she must have been cheating on the last boyfriend also if what this guy said is true.

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So I struggle with actually ending this. I know I have to and will. There is a big part of me that says... Wait it out a little longer. Recently another guy from her initial separation year 2013 has popped up. Her rock climbing buddy. This guy I remember her going climbing with several times a couple months into our relationship. She knows I would have loved to go also but she wouldn't let me. So recently she left her Facebook open on the TV and I saw this conversation before it turned to her phone with texting. Turns out he's super hot but super dumb. Back in 2013 I had asked her if he was a sexual relationship and she had replied no. If fact she said she thought he was gay. When he surfaced two weeks ago again I tried to fish out some details and this time I got the feeling they were sexual. I don't care what she did before me. But no need to lie about it. So last week I asked outright and she sternly denied any sex. Now back in the Facebook conversation he says to her... Does he know i climbed you. I climbed you everything I saw you. Funny thing is, the guy she dated just before me, we'll she wanted him the most he just didn't want her and her boys. She started climbing with this guy while dating him because he was more fun. So she must have been cheating on the last boyfriend also if what this guy said is true.

 

A leopard doesn't change its spots.

 

Like I said above:

Her intention is to keep going after you had the confrontation and "worked it out", what ever that's supposed to mean. To her, clearly, it means lull you back into a stupor then pick up where she left off.

 

And it looks like that's exactly what she has done.

 

dang, now if my clairvoyance would only work on lottery numbers...

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