Called out of the blue by M.

[Mrlonelyone]

Hello.

 

Those who have been around for a while know me but the short version is I am a male to female transgender woman. I ask on here for help with women who are tomboyish up to female to male transmen. I couch it in heterosexual terms because I find I get more advice that way... people throw their hands up when they know the deal. Trust me the psychology of people is largely the psychology of people. We all fundamentally want the same thing here...to be loved and accepted as we really truly are. Who needs to be loved for what they are not? That's enough about me.

 

 

If you know the long story of me and M feel free to skip to the bottom. Below the bold text.

 

"M", was a masculine acting female who I got to know very well. I met her family. She admitted to me she wants to take certain transition steps. Maybe not all the way but she admitted things people usually don't admit. She admitted to a great degree of gender non conformity. Many see it in her really those who look long. She thinks she hides well.

 

Anyway, after

 

• Meeting her family and being accepted by them.
  
• Having her father more or less help me find ammunition for a unusual handgun of mine.
  
• Having her ask me to return to her home town at a time when we are on summer/winter break.
  

 

She did a total 180 and found a "normal" guy that her young friends like and feel more comfortable with. Those who knew me and her both were somewhat surprised by her actions. She told a college official that I was bothering her...thankfully plenty of others had seen us together for months and months and months to put the lie to that. That was in 2013.

 

Fast forward to now (with intermittent calls, emails etc from her and little to no response from me).

 

She calls me out of the blue. When I say sounding annoyed Who is it she says she guesses she has the wrong number.

 

I text something which I'll admit is kinda playful trying to be nonchalant.

 

"We really should not bump into each other like that anymore. What will people think?"

 

She text back

 

"Why not? What do we care what people think?"

 

I text back

 

" "

 

It ended there.

 

I thought things over for a week already. Really I was too busy with my job to do much thinking about this until now. I have moved on to a job where ... let me say the student has become the teacher.

 

 

I did a bit of online checking, it seems she is still involved with that guy. Why the heck call me or text me at all? After all this time they should be steady and stable as a rock. She has done this before by the way. Twice in the last 3 months. Before then every two to at most four months in 2014 there would be something or the other.

 

 

He's an OK guy but TBH I feel sorry for him on the whole. "It is better to be much abused rather than to know it but a little" -Othello act 4 I think. Well I am much abused and the only thing worse would be to be a guy who thinks he has it all sewn up only to have the following happen behind their back.

 

How I know he's an OK guy and vaguely aware of her nonsense or oblivious. He called as part of a Alumni fundraising drive that I got other calls for. We all went to the same school. I knew it was him when he asked for advice... he felt that perhaps he should switch from his major to the science M and I study. That he felt odd since his girlfriend and many of her friends switched to this science. Like they One which M switched to after meeting me. I explained to him anyone worth having will have him as he is. If M wanted that she would have that. I explained that to do science one must love it. I explained what if he likes one subfield and has to work on the other side of the world from her, or something. He sounded grateful for the advice and fully blissfully unaware of the extent of things. If he was acting he deserves an oscar.

 

 

The reason I even consider this at this point.

 

I connected with this person in many ways and while I generally like XY men I can't ignore the familial possibility a person like her presents to someone like me.

.

 

On the other hand these days I am really feeling more like I should just forget that sort of thing. I am trying to focus on attracting a good old XY fully masculinized, fully comfortable with being with someone like me, male. People like M may just be too neurotic and insecure about their own issue to be good for me.

 

The bottom line question:

An event is coming up a convention for people in our field of science. It is very possible I'll see M there. What do you all think I should do? Should I even give her the time of day?

 

TLDR: Ex who broke it off badly and is still with someone they broke it off for keeps calling me. What the... ?

[Mrlonelyone]

Now that I think more about this whole twisted situation. Such a phone call with this timing can only be as a way of feeling out what level of awkwardness there would be if we encountered eachother at the convention.

 

I am an invited speaker. I will just go do my thing and hope she does the avoiding.

 

This person is more of a bad habit than one for a relationship.

[Ruby65]

This is classic breadcrumbs.

 

It sounds like she was bored, lonely, looking for an ego boost -- or trying to pave the way for a flirty non-confrontational meeting should you cross paths at the convention.

 

OR, it's possible she just accidentally dialed your number.

 

In any event, your ex should be blocked on your phone so she can't send these kinds of self-serving manipulative texts. It sounds like she has a pattern of wanting to make sure you're still around as a backup option.

 

But to answer your question: NO, you shouldn't give her the time of day.

 

I don't think there's ever a reason to respond to any message from an ex except: I made a huge mistake and want to get back together.

[Mrlonelyone]

Likely. I am not hopeful that this is anything I simply seek to understand a maddening situation.

 

This is classic breadcrumbs.

 

It sounds like she was bored, lonely, looking for an ego boost -- or trying to pave the way for a flirty non-confrontational meeting should you cross paths at the convention.

 

OR, it's possible she just accidentally dialed your number.

 

In any event, your ex should be blocked on your phone so she can't send these kinds of self-serving manipulative texts. It sounds like she has a pattern of wanting to make sure you're still around as a backup option.

 

But to answer your question: NO, you shouldn't give her the time of day.

 

I don't think there's ever a reason to respond to any message from an ex except: I made a huge mistake and want to get back together.

 

Is is possible to block sms text?

[Ruby65]

Likely. I am not hopeful that this is anything I simply seek to understand a maddening situation.

 

Have you read "he's just not that into you"? It's a pretty smarmy book, but the underlying message really is spot on: people seek to understand and read meaning into all kinds of behavior, when in truth the answer -- inasmuch as it effects US and OUR lives, anyway -- really is that simple: he's just not that into you.

 

Dumpers like to contact those they've dumped because it strokes their ego.... or because they want to assuage their guilt... or because they like to keep you around as a safety net.... or any combination of the above. They have several different motivations, and I don't think any of it has to do with transgender issues. I think you're muddying the waters, there.

 

She's a dumper, she's acting like a dumper.

 

Your ultimate answer is: she's just not that into you. If she WAS, she'd still be in your life now and wouldn't be toying with your emotions this way. She wouldn't want to risk losing you with vague flirty messages and periods without contact.

 

Therefore, she must be kept out of your life. Begone with her, I say!

 

 

Is is possible to block sms text?

 

Yeah, check with your cell phone provider. There's also free apps you can download, depending on what kind of phone you have.

 

Of course, there's always the total badass method: just change your number. I actually did this twice after my last breakup -- it's brutal, but freeing afterwards as then you know there's never any chance of a random text or call, not ever.

[Mrlonelyone]

Have you read "he's just not that into you"?

 

No but I'm sure some of what it says applies to this.

 

 

It's a pretty smarmy book, but the underlying message really is spot on: people seek to understand and read meaning into all kinds of behavior.....

 

 

Dumpers like to contact those they've dumped because it strokes their ego.... or because they want to assuage their guilt...

 

I'm not really trying to read a meaning into it.

 

That's all certainly at play as far as her motives. I would add the transgender angle of this adds the issue of the closet for her. One thing she did with me was come out about the extent of her own gender discomfort. Funny thing is with men it was sometimes "oh but I'm not gay" afterwards. With her it was an odd statement about people thinking she was a lesbian (even way before knowing me). Which I was like :/

 

 

 

The LGBT variant of that book would include a chapter "he/she's just not into you enough to come out".

 

 

She's a dumper, she's acting like a dumper.

 

Your ultimate answer is: she's just not that into you. If she WAS, she'd still be in your life now and wouldn't be toying with your emotions this way. She wouldn't want to risk losing you with vague flirty messages and periods without contact.

 

Therefore, she must be kept out of your life. Begone with her, I say!

 

Basically, a dumper acting like a dumper who still can't 100% let go for all the reasons stated in your quote and my reply.

 

If M were into me and ok enough with her own level of queerness it would take at this point a Jimmy Swaggart* level come to Jesus moment followed by lots of work building trust for me to take it seriously.

 

Calling and loosing the nerve to speak won't cut this ice, and I am cold as an ice age.

 

 

 

Yeah, check with your cell phone provider. There's also free apps you can download, depending on what kind of phone you have.

 

Of course, there's always the total badass method: just change your number. I actually did this twice after my last breakup -- it's brutal, but freeing afterwards as then you know there's never any chance of a random text or call, not ever.

 

Maybe, if the contacts were more frequent. As it stands I am ok. I am one of those people who's had the same cell number for years and years and years. I'm kind of proud of maintaining it.

 

*Like this

Nothing less than "I have sinned against you" crying for forgiveness kinda talk. Edited March 30, 2015 by Mrlonelyone

[Ruby65]

I'm not really trying to read a meaning into it.

 

Okay..... but you wrote this, which is what I was replying to:

 

Likely. I am not hopeful that this is anything I simply seek to understand a maddening situation.

 

 

Maybe, if the contacts were more frequent. As it stands I am ok. I am one of those people who's had the same cell number for years and years and years. I'm kind of proud of maintaining it.

 

I would question whether you're *really* okay with contact.... when you've had to post about it? Just saying.

 

In any case -- check out the FREE apps that let you block calls and texts without changing your number. Also, check with your cell provider and see if they'll block certain numbers for you (many will).

 

Of course, if you really *want* to leave the door open, that's your business and there are plenty of legitimate reasons to rationalize doing so.

 

My point is: it's YOUR responsibility whether that door is open or closed the next time she feels like making contact.

[Mrlonelyone]

Okay..... but you wrote this, which is what I was replying to:

 

Likely. I am not hopeful that this is anything I simply seek to understand a maddening situation.

 

 

To me understanding means just to know what a situation is and how it works.

 

To me "reading meaning into" sounds like I want to find some evidence of her wanting me. I know this is posted in "second chances" but I really can't think of where else this should go. If we had a forum called Effed up ***t it could go there.

 

Before talking this over here it sounded like to some degree they were trying to open the door.

 

 

I would question whether you're *really* okay with contact.... when you've had to post about it? Just saying.

 

If this contact was like an every day or every week thing maybe. It is a months and months type thing. I can simply ignore it. Usually I have.

 

The difference this time was I answered the phone and heard her voice.

 

 

In any case -- check out the FREE apps that let you block calls and texts without changing your number. Also, check with your cell provider and see if they'll block certain numbers for you (many will).

 

I will have to.

 

 

Of course, if you really *want* to leave the door open, that's your business and there are plenty of legitimate reasons to rationalize doing so.

 

My point is: it's YOUR responsibility whether that door is open or closed the next time she feels like making contact.

 

True. Like I said for me it would take actions I don't expect from her. I don't expect a full admission of her part in the whole affair. I don't expect a mature talking over of what it would take. I expect her to act like a kitten who just peed on the sofa... who then wants to cuddle and purr their way back to my good graces.

[Mrlonelyone]

So I texted her back something to the effect of agreeing that only our opinions would really matter.

 

She texted back something about having breakfast. Which confused me.

 

I texted back something about having desert, which confused her (so she said). That's all.

 

I feel like crap for enjoying that.

[Ruby65]

So..... you chose to leave the door open.... and initiated further conversation..... what do you hope to accomplish, here?

 

You seem almost deliberately coy in the way you write about it. Is this to avoid taking responsibility for your choices?

[Mrlonelyone]

So..... you chose to leave the door open.... and initiated further conversation..... what do you hope to accomplish, here?

 

You seem almost deliberately coy in the way you write about it. Is this to avoid taking responsibility for your choices?

 

I am deliberately coy in part because I am a relatively easy to find person on the web. Sometimes people try to figure out who I am and come close.

 

The psychology of this subforum is for those who had RLships but take a "devil you know" approach to looking every once in a while. The notion is that if two people are serious about it and approach things right a second time can work.

 

If the devil's first implulse to have breakfast who knows.

 

OTOH with someone new at least there isn't any old baggage to deal with.

 

But... breakfast

 

As things go on this board that's on the more positive end of things. Staring fresh... breakfast is a long way off.

Edited March 31, 2015 by Mrlonelyone

[Mrlonelyone]

As I think this over it has been a couple years since I saw M. We have been NC, other than an incidental professional mailing list I was on, For a year and a half. If there is ever a time that a second chance has a legit shot it is now.

 

I will think about this some more and take an action. They showed the guts to reach out to me and go to another level of flirt, I will have to reciprocate.

[Mrlonelyone]

More flirtyness or just crazyness.

 

Today M claimed to be someone other than who they are via text. (When she called I recognized the voice on the phone so I know it's her). I said Oh good I'm glad I thought it was this woman I dated at (school name) and it would be confusing if they texted me.

 

We said some more flirty stuff.

 

I then sent an email saying, as if the texting didnt' happen. That a meeting we went to together in her home town is happening in another city and I'm going. Mentioned a funny but messed up thing her father said. Then wished her well.

 

 

If she's there and we see eachother I'll know.

 

Sometimes less is more in these situations so I will say no more.

[carhill]

The bottom line question:

An event is coming up a convention for people in our field of science. It is very possible I'll see M there. What do you all think I should do? Should I even give her the time of day?

 

IMO, as a member of your audience, she deserves the same rapport you afford any other member. Beyond the professional, leave the personal milieu to resolve itself as it happens.

 

If you find the electronic communication with the person to be counter-productive, simply terminate contact means without any elaboration. I get that all the gender-ambiguous stuff can muddy up the waters a bit but I tend to clarify at the personal, human level. Is this a human I want to interact with; are they healthy for me? Right now? Then proceed with the answer.

[Mrlonelyone]

IMO, as a member of your audience, she deserves the same rapport you afford any other member. Beyond the professional, leave the personal milieu to resolve itself as it happens.

 

Definitely. If she attends my talk I would be professional. (Even if we were on better terms)

 

 

If you find the electronic communication with the person to be counter-productive, simply terminate contact means without any elaboration. I get that all the gender-ambiguous stuff can muddy up the waters a bit but I tend to clarify at the personal, human level. Is this a human I want to interact with; are they healthy for me? Right now? Then proceed with the answer.

 

I find it to be enigmatic and amusing. Healthy, I could think of more sane interactions.

[Mrlonelyone]

Back from the conference no M there. However I did run into our common connections. We work in a small field. There will be another event where an encounter is possible soo related to being alumni of the same school.

 

The messaging/calling/email tango continues.

 

My talk went well. I professionally connected with great people. I got to know that travel alone can be as good in it's own ways as travel with someone.