NC, Meet Up and Breadcrumbs

[smokingACES]

Hey everyone!

 

im confused as to what to do next in regards to my breakup with my on-again-off-again of seven years.

 

every breakup has become of a huge argument and its usually been him breaking up with me; only once (the second last break up) have i initiated it off.

 

with every time we get back together we have taken time with NC (shortest time was two weeks, longest was a year with me doing EVERYTHING to cut him off [changed number, cut off friends, relocated, quit jobs and got new ones] only for him to reach out to my sister and her to send the message forward..

 

every reconciliation has been with what is called "bread crumbs".

he more uses social media to get my attention (liking girls photos, adding girls, uploading pictures of himself and finally liking my photos) to have me cave in and call him, crying to him and communication would begin.

 

this time around we would break up about six weeks ago. we broke up because he caused a petty argument and i called out that i realized it was emotionally abusive behaviour he carried. i explained why it was and he freaked out and ended the relationship.

the next day i went to see if he was okay (open communication with his mother explained that he would often cry the next day after the breakups) and he was completely rude to me. i left and we spoke on the phone a few days after, with both of us to move forward and him telling me not to contact him unless it was something different than the break up.

 

i went strict NC. i have NEVER done this before during our breakups so it was fairly difficult. the only other time i truly did (i guess) was during the one year break up and with that it was due to a VERY harmful and toxic event.

 

during the first week i was completely off social media and surrounded myself with my girlfriends and family.

he started using social media to get my attention: liking girls photos, adding girls.. but i didnt crack like i once would before.

he added pictures of himself and "inspirational quotes" (what a dork lol) and once again i didnt crack.

second week i finally uploaded a picture and well.. he flipped out. before i wouldnt bother with social media and cave in, but not this time. the photo i added gained a lot of attention and he reacted by liking more girls photos, commenting and adding.

i ignored it and continued my day.

he would like that photo. last year during a bad break up with us the communication opened by him liking a photo, so im going to go ahead and assume that he thought by liking this photo hours after all the commotion died down he would hear a call or get a message from me.. but not this time.

 

he would add photos of him going out. my girlfriend took my phone (after a night of going out with friends) and uploaded a photo i took of me in a tight black dress; keep in mind on social media i NEVER show my body.. so knowing she did this (hours later after the event) and her looking to see his reaction, he liked girls showing bodies.. again, i ignored it and continued my day.

 

he would continue this behaviour until three days later i added a photo of myself in a tracksuit, again showing my body (i lost a lot of weight since the break up and my curves are coming right back yay!) and he unfollowed me!

i was crushed. it NEVER got to this extent, however i met up with my guyfriends and spoke with the matter.

they would explain (again, they know both of us well enough to see whats going on.. no bias!) that it looked like i was doing fine and living life.

i didnt looked crushed by the events (like i would before) and i didnt crack when i would before..

they he unfollowed me because it probably hurt to see me doing good, so he did what he had to.

they said to give it two days. that i would need to make the first move (as always) since we all know how prideful he is to do it .. even during the one year he sent my sister to go after me.

i understand why he would as usually when i cut someone off i NEVER go back to that person..

so i assume that this is the same reasoning why he would send social-media breadcrumbs..

 

i contacted him two days later. he would call back after as he had late work (i didnt know); we were on the phone for hours, sharing memories, laughing, flirting and speaking on the relationship. i told him that i wanted to meet up in order to have the final blow. he knows that ive done this previously with exes and ex-friends (hes seen me do it) to see if anything can be salvaged or to cut ties in order to be another face in the crowd..

he said "so im just another ex?" and i said we'll see when we meet up. he wanted to give more time but i insisted to get it over with and meet tomorrow.

he agreed and sweetly said goodnight.

 

the next day i would be at my friends house getting ready and he texted me an hour before the time we had to meet up that he would be working late.

my hands started to shake and my girlfriend texted back that i would be late no matter what.

he said he would rather reschedule..

i was hurt. i wanted to stay behind and wait for him to be done work but my girlfriend told me to go out and not waste my outfit (lol). she said im used to being a doormat and its time to show him that i never was and now will never be!

i went out to a bar with my guyfriends and her.

my closest guyfriend stated that if he still cares he will call tonight and try to work out a day and time again. if he doesnt, he wont and its better to cut him off.

as soon as he said that he would call. my guyfriend took my phone and said to wait 30 mins..

i called back. he didnt answer and called back 2 mins after.. he said he was crossing the street and that he still wanted to meet up if i was in the area. he sounded happy.

just as i was about to say yes (i was a few blocks away) some friends were yelling for shots (i dont really drink) and cheering.

i couldnt hear him and he asked where i was.

i have no issue with transparency with him and said that im at a bar with a guyfriend (essentially i was sitting and eating with my best guyfriend while everyone else was at the actual bar just drinking).

he sounded annoyed and said "you know what? lets meet another day."

i said okay, tuesday. and he said "cool. see you then and enjoy your night".

i said thanks, bye and hung up.

 

my guyfriends and girlfriend said it more than likely crushed him that i was pushing forward as before i would cry to him, refuse to go out and if i did i would try to get him to come with me..

we ended up meeting on tuesday.

i was late a bit as i had some family errand to run. i apologized for this (its rude to be late) and he said it was cool. we gave each other a small hug and basically hung out.

he looked irritated that i was getting flirted by the server.. we had wings and beer.

i was just being myself and we laughed a lot.

it felt like old times but that something felt off..

we went outside to go smoke. it got cold so he took me to a coffee shop to grab tea and talk.

he paid for everything so i constantly said thank you.

we said a few jokes, hashed a few memories and finally i spoke what was going on.

although my reasoning for leaving was because of the recognition of emotional abuse, i told him that our issues were miscommunication.

he said he knew but that he was tired. he said he doesnt hate me but is tired of trying.

i told him the same thing.

we both agreed we still have feelings but that we cant keep running in circles.

we concluded that this was it. we shouldnt hang out although we both had fun tonight but to leave everything where it was.

as we were walking to the bus stop i hugged him and said i was sorry we didnt work.. he squeezed me back and went for my hands. we held hands for a bit and then we kissed..

he kissed me back as i kissed me..

 

we didnt speak until the next morning after going out for breakfast with my girlfriends.

as they do, after a final blow meet up a call would follow to thank them for the memories and cut the person off.

i called him when we got home and explained that i agreed with the break up. that it sucks we couldnt make it work and that we need to do this.

he said hes going to push forward (as he always said he would with every break up) and instead of me usually crying for him not to.. i said go. good. i am too.

he was getting upset that i was being nonchalent.

we agreed to a mutual break up.

he admitted to the social media instances and said that this is it. again i agreed and was calm with the matter. he said that he doesnt expect me to take him back in years to come as before and i said we'll see, neither of us know the future..

i said ill talk to you later and hung up. that was it.

 

the next night he texted me. mind you we said no contact..

he said "can i ask you something.. what were you looking for that night? it felt like we hung out instead of talked.."

i didnt respond. i didnt see a point.. he knew why i asked to see him and even though we hung out we concluded that we both are tired to continue..

 

i ignored it. he texted again on sunday. he said "i know you dont want to talk to me but i just need to know.. what did you clarify? why did you kiss me.. i wasnt ready".

 

i ignored this text as again, we were on the phone with each other for two hours to clarify everything! we clarified the hug and the kiss..

if we both said that were done than that would be it wouldnt it?

 

is it because before i would fall for his breadcrumbs and come back?

is it because hes expecting me to keep reaching for him?

is this his olive branch of hope?

is it because i agreed with the breakup and the reasons? being non-chalent?

 

he's used breadcrumbs before.. he would text "hey hows your day" and we would begin again.

to be honest i do want to be with him.

by no means am i using this as punishment but rather giving us an oppertunity to grow in whichever direction we need to.

 

im just wondering if this is his way to reconcile or to stroke his ego.. or hes bored..

but why text such weird questions?

even so, if someones done why would they hash questions out as such..

 

i want to text back and answer the questions but at the same time i dont because its a "for what?" mindstate..

i know with reconciliation via text the usual form of wanting the other person is "i made a mistake! take me back" but hes never done that.. hes very prideful.

breadcrumbs have worked in the past; i want to make it work but there has to be more..

 

HELP PLEASE.

and thank you for reading this roller coaster of a story

Edited March 28, 2015 by smokingACES
forgotten info.

[GoldenGirl2015]

Hey everyone!

 

im confused as to what to do next in regards to my breakup with my on-again-off-again of seven years.

 

every breakup has become of a huge argument and its usually been him breaking up with me; only once (the second last break up) have i initiated it off.

 

with every time we get back together we have taken time with NC (shortest time was two weeks, longest was a year with me doing EVERYTHING to cut him off [changed number, cut off friends, relocated, quit jobs and got new ones] only for him to reach out to my sister and her to send the message forward..

 

every reconciliation has been with what is called "bread crumbs".

he more uses social media to get my attention (liking girls photos, adding girls, uploading pictures of himself and finally liking my photos) to have me cave in and call him, crying to him and communication would begin.

 

this time around we would break up about six weeks ago. we broke up because he caused a petty argument and i called out that i realized it was emotionally abusive behaviour he carried. i explained why it was and he freaked out and ended the relationship.

the next day i went to see if he was okay (open communication with his mother explained that he would often cry the next day after the breakups) and he was completely rude to me. i left and we spoke on the phone a few days after, with both of us to move forward and him telling me not to contact him unless it was something different than the break up.

 

i went strict NC. i have NEVER done this before during our breakups so it was fairly difficult. the only other time i truly did (i guess) was during the one year break up and with that it was due to a VERY harmful and toxic event.

 

during the first week i was completely off social media and surrounded myself with my girlfriends and family.

he started using social media to get my attention: liking girls photos, adding girls.. but i didnt crack like i once would before.

he added pictures of himself and "inspirational quotes" (what a dork lol) and once again i didnt crack.

second week i finally uploaded a picture and well.. he flipped out. before i wouldnt bother with social media and cave in, but not this time. the photo i added gained a lot of attention and he reacted by liking more girls photos, commenting and adding.

i ignored it and continued my day.

he would like that photo. last year during a bad break up with us the communication opened by him liking a photo, so im going to go ahead and assume that he thought by liking this photo hours after all the commotion died down he would hear a call or get a message from me.. but not this time.

 

he would add photos of him going out. my girlfriend took my phone (after a night of going out with friends) and uploaded a photo i took of me in a tight black dress; keep in mind on social media i NEVER show my body.. so knowing she did this (hours later after the event) and her looking to see his reaction, he liked girls showing bodies.. again, i ignored it and continued my day.

 

he would continue this behaviour until three days later i added a photo of myself in a tracksuit, again showing my body (i lost a lot of weight since the break up and my curves are coming right back yay!) and he unfollowed me!

i was crushed. it NEVER got to this extent, however i met up with my guyfriends and spoke with the matter.

they would explain (again, they know both of us well enough to see whats going on.. no bias!) that it looked like i was doing fine and living life.

i didnt looked crushed by the events (like i would before) and i didnt crack when i would before..

they he unfollowed me because it probably hurt to see me doing good, so he did what he had to.

they said to give it two days. that i would need to make the first move (as always) since we all know how prideful he is to do it .. even during the one year he sent my sister to go after me.

i understand why he would as usually when i cut someone off i NEVER go back to that person..

so i assume that this is the same reasoning why he would send social-media breadcrumbs..

 

i contacted him two days later. he would call back after as he had late work (i didnt know); we were on the phone for hours, sharing memories, laughing, flirting and speaking on the relationship. i told him that i wanted to meet up in order to have the final blow. he knows that ive done this previously with exes and ex-friends (hes seen me do it) to see if anything can be salvaged or to cut ties in order to be another face in the crowd..

he said "so im just another ex?" and i said we'll see when we meet up. he wanted to give more time but i insisted to get it over with and meet tomorrow.

he agreed and sweetly said goodnight.

 

the next day i would be at my friends house getting ready and he texted me an hour before the time we had to meet up that he would be working late.

my hands started to shake and my girlfriend texted back that i would be late no matter what.

he said he would rather reschedule..

i was hurt. i wanted to stay behind and wait for him to be done work but my girlfriend told me to go out and not waste my outfit (lol). she said im used to being a doormat and its time to show him that i never was and now will never be!

i went out to a bar with my guyfriends and her.

my closest guyfriend stated that if he still cares he will call tonight and try to work out a day and time again. if he doesnt, he wont and its better to cut him off.

as soon as he said that he would call. my guyfriend took my phone and said to wait 30 mins..

i called back. he didnt answer and called back 2 mins after.. he said he was crossing the street and that he still wanted to meet up if i was in the area. he sounded happy.

just as i was about to say yes (i was a few blocks away) some friends were yelling for shots (i dont really drink) and cheering.

i couldnt hear him and he asked where i was.

i have no issue with transparency with him and said that im at a bar with a guyfriend (essentially i was sitting and eating with my best guyfriend while everyone else was at the actual bar just drinking).

he sounded annoyed and said "you know what? lets meet another day."

i said okay, tuesday. and he said "cool. see you then and enjoy your night".

i said thanks, bye and hung up.

 

my guyfriends and girlfriend said it more than likely crushed him that i was pushing forward as before i would cry to him, refuse to go out and if i did i would try to get him to come with me..

we ended up meeting on tuesday.

i was late a bit as i had some family errand to run. i apologized for this (its rude to be late) and he said it was cool. we gave each other a small hug and basically hung out.

he looked irritated that i was getting flirted by the server.. we had wings and beer.

i was just being myself and we laughed a lot.

it felt like old times but that something felt off..

we went outside to go smoke. it got cold so he took me to a coffee shop to grab tea and talk.

he paid for everything so i constantly said thank you.

we said a few jokes, hashed a few memories and finally i spoke what was going on.

although my reasoning for leaving was because of the recognition of emotional abuse, i told him that our issues were miscommunication.

he said he knew but that he was tired. he said he doesnt hate me but is tired of trying.

i told him the same thing.

we both agreed we still have feelings but that we cant keep running in circles.

we concluded that this was it. we shouldnt hang out although we both had fun tonight but to leave everything where it was.

as we were walking to the bus stop i hugged him and said i was sorry we didnt work.. he squeezed me back and went for my hands. we held hands for a bit and then we kissed..

he kissed me back as i kissed me..

 

we didnt speak until the next morning after going out for breakfast with my girlfriends.

as they do, after a final blow meet up a call would follow to thank them for the memories and cut the person off.

i called him when we got home and explained that i agreed with the break up. that it sucks we couldnt make it work and that we need to do this.

he said hes going to push forward (as he always said he would with every break up) and instead of me usually crying for him not to.. i said go. good. i am too.

he was getting upset that i was being nonchalent.

we agreed to a mutual break up.

he admitted to the social media instances and said that this is it. again i agreed and was calm with the matter. he said that he doesnt expect me to take him back in years to come as before and i said we'll see, neither of us know the future..

i said ill talk to you later and hung up. that was it.

 

the next night he texted me. mind you we said no contact..

he said "can i ask you something.. what were you looking for that night? it felt like we hung out instead of talked.."

i didnt respond. i didnt see a point.. he knew why i asked to see him and even though we hung out we concluded that we both are tired to continue..

 

i ignored it. he texted again on sunday. he said "i know you dont want to talk to me but i just need to know.. what did you clarify? why did you kiss me.. i wasnt ready".

 

i ignored this text as again, we were on the phone with each other for two hours to clarify everything! we clarified the hug and the kiss..

if we both said that were done than that would be it wouldnt it?

 

is it because before i would fall for his breadcrumbs and come back?

is it because hes expecting me to keep reaching for him?

is this his olive branch of hope?

is it because i agreed with the breakup and the reasons? being non-chalent?

 

he's used breadcrumbs before.. he would text "hey hows your day" and we would begin again.

to be honest i do want to be with him.

by no means am i using this as punishment but rather giving us an oppertunity to grow in whichever direction we need to.

 

im just wondering if this is his way to reconcile or to stroke his ego.. or hes bored..

but why text such weird questions?

even so, if someones done why would they hash questions out as such..

 

i want to text back and answer the questions but at the same time i dont because its a "for what?" mindstate..

i know with reconciliation via text the usual form of wanting the other person is "i made a mistake! take me back" but hes never done that.. hes very prideful.

breadcrumbs have worked in the past; i want to make it work but there has to be more..

 

HELP PLEASE.

and thank you for reading this roller coaster of a story

 

How old are you guys?

[darkbloom]

You have never truly done NC if you are still on social media sites together. He was trying to emotionally manipulate you through there and you were doing the same thing to get a reaction. This is extremely unhealthy. You may be addicted to the drama of breaking up and getting back together.

 

If you really want this to stop, you need to do proper NC. This means blocking him on everything.

 

I would also seek professional counseling for this. The behavior you are both exhibiting is extremely manipulative. You keep ending up in a toxic relationship that you can't seem to get out of.

[Ruby65]

I agree with the first post, that was my original thought: how old are you guys?

 

If you're in your mid to late 20's, then yeah: you need counselling because this is a toxic and immature dynamic and you need help moving on.

 

If (as I suspect) you're younger than that, I'd say the solution is simple: BLOCK HIM.

 

Block him everywhere, online and off.

 

Block him on your phone.

 

Block him on every site and app you use. If you use a site or app that doesn't allow you to block people, simply disable that site or app for a few months.

 

He CANNOT reach you unless you leave the door open. YOU are solely responsible for leaving the door open for him to send you breadcrumbs.

 

It's easy to stop his access to you, but it's much harder to heal once you've done that. Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

You're not an idiot, sweetie: you KNOW what breadcrumbs are and what they mean. This is real life, not Twilight. In real life, guys send mixed messages and keep you around as a Plan B because it's flattering.... because it feels good.... because it helps them feel less lonely while they're looking for their next girlfriend.

 

Cut him off everywhere. IF he's ever serious about you, for real, he'll move mountains -- do whatever it takes -- to make it happen.

 

My take? It doesn't take SEVEN YEARS to figure out whether or not you're into someone. If he knew you were the one, you'd already have a ring on your finger.

[goldway90]

That social media game is just epic and childish, what was all that? damn both of you running in an endless circle no wonder it didn't work out between the two of, both of you are lousy communicators. He's abusive and you keep coming back to him every single time. Let me tell you something about abusive men, the thing is they come in different forms and if you really think they'll change just like that? well the answer is NO, no matter how sweet words you get, the cycle of abuse will start again and looking at what the two of you've been doing, you are not strong enough to handle it again.

Now if you want him back and he seems to work things again, the first thing you need to do is couple counseling because if you don't this relationship is doomed. If you don't want work things with him then DELETE him from everywhere, do NC the right way ( there is guide here) and move on with your life.