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Is reconciliation possible?


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Hi there.

 

My girlfriend and i broke up 2 weeks ago. It came rather suddenly and i genuinely think i triggered it. I'd really appreciate it if someone could give me feedback as I am suffering a lot.

 

She is from New Zealand, I am from the UK. We were really happy together, she told me she was totally in love with me, and i had always been able to feel it. Then at christmas she went back to her home in NZ, and came back seemingly almost depressed. She had been incredibly low since, and talked to me about her heart being in NZ. She told me the feeling of coming back to the UK was very bad, but she loved me, and we said it was early days yet, so we will see how it goes (this was after 3 perfect months and 2 short holidays).

 

In the first few months of this year, i could feel she loves me, but she was down in other ways. Working until 10pm, always exhausted, unsatisfied in her job, missing home. Out of sheer exhaustion we were not getting as much time to spend together, or not getting quality time. She said she had felt too burned out sometimes to come to mine after work, and vice versa. During this time, she went on a ski trip with her brother who also lives in London and she is very close with.

She had a situation where she messed up travel pricing, and felt so bad she was messaging me, wishing i was there as i "handle her perfectly".

 

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, on a friday night she was feeling exhausted, and i found her communication with me a little short. I asked if everything was ok, and it went as follows.

 

Her: "babe are you saying this because your low again? I feel a bit flat lately with everything, but ive tried to communicate that with you right?"

 

I said "i know but you seem a bit distant lately, do you still love me the same way?".

 

Her: "Babe of course i love you, and we have an amazing time together. i just have been feeling a bit flat at the moment."

 

Me: "Flat with things in general? Or with me as well"

 

Her: "a bit of both".

 

me: "well thats not good"

 

her: "no its not. I will have a think on it tonight as i have to take seriously what you are asking me. Can i come to yours in the morning?"

 

me "think if you are going to be with me??? yes, leaving this overnight is hard, but yes come in the morning".

 

The following morning we strolled around my town in the sun together, she held my hand, rubbed my back, told me that she felt her heart was in new zealand, and that i was 100 percent in this and shes not sure if she is. She loves me but shes not "in love" with me. That going back to NZ changed her feeling about London, and slowly affected things with me. She said its amazing that i was open minded about possibly living in NZ, but she can't take the pressure of moving me there and it maybe not working out.

 

I was in total shock, and i did contest it, but not in a manic way. I told her that she has been low for a while but i think we allowed things to wain slowly, work affected us and so on, and i feel like she is taking advantage of a dip in our interactions for a few weeks to sever the connection. One day previously she had been sending me links for a venice holiday and saying she wanted to book it!

 

Anyhow, a couple of days passed, she had sent me texts like "thinking of you", and "hope youre as good as you can be", and a couple including an exchange where we both just put "x". I asked her on the phone is she sure, and she said "of course im not certain its a hard period." I asked her for a drink, to which she suggested dinner on 3 other days shes available. I accepted, and we were on for dinner on the monday.

 

Now here is where i think i made a mistake. She put on facebook almost a week later "anyone want to do a spontaneous euro trip for March 21-23rd." I was pretty hurt as it was an advert to fill our space. I text her saying "how about us?". She replied "Hey. I dont think thats a good idea".

 

I called her immediately and asked her to step away from her desk. I said "you knew id see that,"to which she said "yes". I said to her "this is ridiculous, you said you are not certain about what you have done, then you put this up on facebook knowing id see it. I said "look, do you think there is a chance we could get back together", and she said that she couldnt have this conversation now. I felt like she forced the timing with the facebook post.

 

"I don't think we will be back together" she says. I said "are you CERTAIN?". She just said "yes". I told her i have to walk away. After this i sent her the following texts.

 

"I understand you want a trip with your friends, and i understand this is hard for you too. We never really even tried to fix things, it was over before you had even discussed the problem. I hope this turns out to be the right decision. Bye <her name>. It was often amazing. x "

 

Following this i have not initiated any contact. It was all so sudden. That night i got a missed call from her. At 10:30pm friday. I tried to call back 20 minutes later to which she didnt reply. So i simply dropped a text saying "got a missed call from you, guess it was an accident." She then read it shortly after, no response, and then 24 hours later on saturday night she texts me "hey. i must have called you by accident. sorry." I read it and didnt reply.

 

Since then another week has passed. I haven't messaged her at all, i have resisted even though i badly want to. I feel like a low in her life has caused me to be a casualty with it. Or that she felt pressure that never existed. Since then i removed her on facebook so i wasn't exposed to this, but my friends still have her on. She went to copenhagen this weekend, and from her photos it appears she went alone. She put all the pics on instagram, where she knew i'd see them, but apparently not on facebook, where i would not.

 

I really want to reconcile this, as it went from telling me she loves me one day to not the next. I have to admit, even i felt less passionate about her during the time we were too exhausted for big plans. It feels like a failure to ride out a lull, like an immediate dissolving of the relationship in a stage that we are no longer in the honeymoon period. It was just four weeks ago she did a huge surprise romantic effort for my birthday, so its hard to understand.

 

Anyway, i feel like she seems to check for me on whatsapp sometimes. Im aware you can't think like that, but she mostly uses it for people in NZ and me and her brother. I need help somehow. I feel like pressing her at work was bad, but her behaviour kind of set the timing. Can i turn this around?

 

I would be incredibly grateful for any advice.

 

Just to clarify, about 15 days since the break up. About 8 since last contact.

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It is much too early to be thinking of reconciliation. Right now it is best for you to take time away from her and that means strict NC in order to get yourself back. Work on rediscovering yourself and when that happens you can entertain the thought of trying for any sort of reconciliation as you will be in a much better frame of mind and thinking more logically than emotionally

Edited by Smokeshow
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Can i just ask though, i have treated her perfectly, and she even said as such.

 

Was it bad of her to immediately post on facebook advertising our holiday dates for her and a friend?

 

Doesnt the "accidentally called you" seem really improbable? Its never happened before.

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Thanks for sharing Suit_up - Is reconciliation possible? Reconciliation is always possible but not always plausible. The real question becomes, "what has changed about the situation?" Her heart clearly desires to be in NZ and she isn't convinced that her love for you is of the kind that she wants to make a commitment by having you come to NZ with her. Most break-ups are good things because they indicate that there is a problem that either needs to be resolved or is something that cannot be over-come. Time will determine which is the case in your relationship. I do believe, however, that facing things as they really are and not how you want them to be is the best way to cope. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Be blessed!

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Thanks so much for your response. She once told me she is a very internal person who has trouble communicating things, I think this is very true. I think she doesn't cope well and perhaps feared the relationship growing. As it was 7 months I think she decided to take the hit now rather than see where it goes.

 

I think she also suffers a bit from grass is greener syndrome. She has an absolutely designed future in her head by numbers, and i think to an extent anything that doesn't fit that design csn suffer. I think my being from the UK kinda attached me to it in her mind, and it affected her feelings.

 

She has even kind of admitted this, and told me prior to her last trip to NZ she was happy and totally in love with me. Its quite hard to process that a feeling totally external to me could suppress her feelings for me, but it seems believable. I should add that she also kinda stopped doing a lot of what she loved in her life in the UK. It seemed almost depressive.

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If she's depressed it's common but i'll take another path here, man you are needy, asking her if she loves you and stuff will overwhelm her and turn her off. Don't chase her now, give her and space and if she's truly depressed then you have to be patient with her. Learn not to to be needy that's a big turn off for women.

Is it possible to be back together? maybe or maybe not but you have good chance only if you work on yourself and don't put her on a Pedestal. Good luck :)

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The fact that she called me by accident on the friday night....then texts me 24 hours later saying it was an accident. It really doesn't need twenty four hours to innocently apologise for an accidental call.

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The fact that she called me by accident on the friday night....then texts me 24 hours later saying it was an accident. It really doesn't need twenty four hours to innocently apologise for an accidental call.

Look and listen really carefully if she's depressed you in for a big emotional roller coaster, it will make you drained. You'll get a lot of mixed signals, confusion and random stuff, the more you over think about them the more crazy you get, and right now you are all over the place. Stop and take a deep breath and stop analyzing her moves because you'll never win this way.

Back off and give her space, let her really miss you and take care of yourself ( eat well, go the gym idk). If you want to stand a chance you better improve yourself.

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I posted a picture on instagram, which she follows me on, with two wine glasses in a hot tub. Prior to this i have only posted 3 times in 6 months.

 

Have i done damage i can't come back from? I also posted 2 other pictures, not really for her benefit, just of a nice day out. I wanted to message her on good terms this week, just to try and see what we can sort out. Have i absolutely burned my bridge by doing this? Its not typical of me and she knows that.

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I posted a picture on instagram, which she follows me on, with two wine glasses in a hot tub. Prior to this i have only posted 3 times in 6 months.

 

Have i done damage i can't come back from? I also posted 2 other pictures, not really for her benefit, just of a nice day out. I wanted to message her on good terms this week, just to try and see what we can sort out. Have i absolutely burned my bridge by doing this? Its not typical of me and she knows that.

 

Then why are you doing that?

Be yourself, thats what she fell in love with in the first place, stop worry and think about what shes thinking.

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I posted a picture on instagram, which she follows me on, with two wine glasses in a hot tub. Prior to this i have only posted 3 times in 6 months.

 

Have i done damage i can't come back from? I also posted 2 other pictures, not really for her benefit, just of a nice day out. I wanted to message her on good terms this week, just to try and see what we can sort out. Have i absolutely burned my bridge by doing this? Its not typical of me and she knows that.

 

Maybe, maybe not but from now on just behave like you would if you weren't in this situation. i.e. behave normally! If you are thinking of everything you do before you do it because of what she might think, you will be over-thinking everything and actually make your behaviour (online or otherwise) come off as pre-planned. You just need to behave like you normally would and not think about how she will interpret it. Don't go posting Lionel Richie songs on your FB or pictures of yourself with loads of girls on Instagram if it's not what you would normally do (she's not stupid)...

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Then why are you doing that?

Be yourself, thats what she fell in love with in the first place, stop worry and think about what shes thinking.

 

Honestly, it was a moment of extreme weakness. Felt powerless. Acted rashly. I guess its the first time ive honestly felt like im letting the love of my life walk, and doing nothing to fight for it. I know thats not exactly how it plays out, but its a difficult impulse to fight. I have actually started using my instagram account more in post break up, but usually nothing at all that applies to her. Just creative shots and experiences. That change isn't necessarily terrible right? People do change after break ups, i guess mine is to be a bit more a part of the world. I just don't want to do anything that makes me appear weaker to her.

 

Please advise...this is incredibly tough. ( I should mention i am a 12 year severe clinical depressive, i just manage it to perfection, to the point where it hasn't affected her at all, and these things sometimes threaten that balance.)

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I know you still have feelings for her, but she made her decision and in a way you just have to respect her. its not "fair" I know, this is not what you want but I think its time to let go of her and focus on yourself again.

 

you said you are depressive so don't you agree this is one of the reason why you should forget about everything right now and just concentrate on yourself? Hang out with friends, do whatever you like and enjoy, find the happiness first. you have to be happy by yourself before you can be happy with anyone.

 

ok I understand your instagram situation. If I'm honest I was lost the first month after the breakup as well. I'm a big instagram user, I prefer it over facebook. Then this one day I decided to block her on it cause I've had enough of her checking out my life, she decided to push me away, so I dont think she deserve to be part of my life anymore. And I felt much better straight away cause I didnt have to worry what I should or should not put on my own instagram. I would suggest to block her if you can, if not then just stop worry about upsetting her, it doesn't matter anymore.

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Well i have just done the stupidest thing now anyway. I thought she had blocked me on skype, and accidentally dialled her. Cancelled it immediately whilst she is offline.

 

I've blown all that no contact time, if they get these notifications whilst offline, then lets be honest, im ****ed.

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xinaxxsdertf

suit up you are in almost the same situation as me after my break up. (we arent from different countries but im struggling as you are).

 

it feels like when you are doing no contact, its helping them forget about you. you feel like you need to send pictures and messages to them to remind them of the good times. Well i did this, i went roughly 2 weeks no contact and she started initiating contact with me and i replied a lot but then she lost interest really quickly again. since then i started initiating contact every day or every second day just letting her know im thinking of her and miss her blah blah (thinking this was harmless) but it turns out she replied to me angrily saying she still needs space from me. said its unfair me sending all these messages telling her i love her and miss her everyday bcoz its making her "feel bad" for us not being together. WOW who even says that? rebroke my heart again. and then later sends me a picture of me and her in an old memory looking perfect together.

 

its hard to understand the dumper and i think they go through a lot too. mine was like yours, she was saying/crying she never ever wants to lose me, the next week she dumps me.. we have been broken up over a month and she still said shes not ready to see me..

 

just need to try move on man, look at other girls. when you truly try and improve yourself and move on, yes you miss her and still compare her, but the grip slowly loosens. obviously im not over my ex, but i have definitely noticed the change since day 1 after the breakup.

 

i was always jealous wondering what shes doing, whose she with, is she moving on already etc etc but now i just miss her, what she does with her life doesnt actually hurt me anymore. i just miss her and thats it. ive broken no contact over and over and have finally learnt that the true meaning behind no contact is not to get your ex back (although is the best method for now) but is to pull yourself away from the heartbreak and heal.

 

your situation is most definitely no contact man. nobody knows if shes coming back but in the state you are in at the moment (the neediness, emotions, desperateness) she wont come back. you need to improve yourself, get her off that pedestal and start thinking you were the best part of the relationship. you deserve someone that will jump through hoops for you, they will never have moments of weakness where they arent sure whether they want to be with you or not. we deserve someone that even in the toughest times in their life, they look at you like being the only positive thing they have left. where as your ex put you in that box of things she thinks is fueling her depressing life.

 

NC, thats all you have man. when you start this new NC, force yourself to not be able to look at anything of her (like she doesnt exist). not aloud to look at her facebook, instagram, whatsapp etc delete her on everything just so u dont have urges to check. i havent checked my ex's fb since we broke up which is amazing because i would usually always check. but i know ive been broken too much that i cant risk seeing her with another guy on facebook so i forced myself to make her disappear

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I am really struggling tonight. I am absolutely torn apart by the loss still, and have still been in NC apart from accidentally skype dialling her, which she may or may not have seen whilst offline.

 

I am considering a friendly text tomorrow just to connect. I feel like she really is "the one", in situation where over so many years i have never felt it. I really do feel like fear and pressure pulled us apart in a matter of weeks.

 

Is the feeling of breaking no contact and putting myself on the line really likely to hurt more than just never knowing what might have been?

 

I didn't push her or message her for all this time, and it was her that messaged last i guess, even if it was to say she called me by mistake. Prior to that i had said about having to draw a line under this.

 

I have a slight fear that she may be doing NC too in response to that. Even that chance that this could be a kind of NC stand off.

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Simon Phoenix

Is the feeling of breaking no contact and putting myself on the line really likely to hurt more than just never knowing what might have been?

 

Yes, read this thread for reference on how breaking NC can make things worse:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/521729-everyone-going-chew-me-up-after-one

 

I don't want to pick on this poster, but breaking NC has him in full meltdown mode with panic attacks. It can, and probably will, get worse. Don't be that guy who can't take a hint. If she wanted to talk to you, she would. She wasn't afraid to break up with you, she won't be afraid to contact you if she really wanted to.

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Well I did it. I broke no contact. I dont feel worse yet though.

 

I said "hey, I was in Liberty today and saw they had new floral print Tees that had your name written all over them if you still have the coin. Hope you are doing well :)"

 

She answered about ten minutes later.

 

"ah cool thanks! I'm do still have my coin. :). Im doing well. Hope you are too. "

 

Now, I hsve broken NC... is that a good response? Bad? I'm unsure about my next step.

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Simon Phoenix
Well I did it. I broke no contact. I dont feel worse yet though.

 

I said "hey, I was in Liberty today and saw they had new floral print Tees that had your name written all over them if you still have the coin. Hope you are doing well :)"

 

She answered about ten minutes later.

 

"ah cool thanks! I'm do still have my coin. :). Im doing well. Hope you are too. "

 

Now, I hsve broken NC... is that a good response? Bad? I'm unsure about my next step.

 

There is no next step. She didn't exactly ask how you were doing or anything that indicates that she has any interest in catching up.

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xinaxxsdertf

thats the kind of response i would give to my ex when i knew i should stay NC but didnt want to be mean. so i would reply like that expecting not to receive another reply. i suggest you wait for her to reach out mate.

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Agreed -- there's no next step.

 

You initiated contact and said: how are you?

 

She let you know: I'm fine.

 

Guess what she didn't say? "I'm miserable. I realize I made a huge mistake and I want to get back together."

 

You opened the door and gave her a chance to have contact. She kept it completely superficial.... she was only being polite. :(

 

Please.... please, please..... don't *wait* or *hope* or *plan* to hear from her again. It's time to move on.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

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Hey Suit Up,

My Ex is behaved in exactly the same way. 2 weeks before Christmas she asked me to move in with her and by Jan 5 th dumped me bacause she thought we didn't connect!!!!! I have no clue what the real reason is and I truely don't think she does either.

I made all the same moves as you, begged, pleaded, asked her friends and family to help me get her back. It was ugly behavior but at the time I was fighting for the future we had planned together.

You need to go no contact. A least a month, during that time look at yourself, figure out what it was that made you attractive to her in the first place and then work on yourself until you are even more of a catch. The time will give her space to calm down, she will not forget you in one month, trust me. If there was any love between you you will be in her thoughts for a long long time. At the moment though, when she thinks of you she has bad emotions towards you, over time they will soften and she will remember the good times you shared, by the time you do reach out to talk you will be able to have a normal conversation like two rational adults who can control their emotions .

I wish you the best of luck man, I know how hard it is, but if she's worth fighting for then you will find a way to make things right. Time is a great healer

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I was considering asking her for dinner. I really feel like I need to know what happened. If there was another guy and it was all an excuse, or why exactly she fell out of love with me. Two weeks of no contact and i made no progress at all. I was just in agony 24/7. Never even momentary distraction.

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I was considering asking her for dinner. I really feel like I need to know what happened. If there was another guy and it was all an excuse, or why exactly she fell out of love with me. Two weeks of no contact and i made no progress at all. I was just in agony 24/7. Never even momentary distraction.

 

What makes you think that she will tell you? You're not her boyfriend, and she don't owe you anything. Plus even if there is someone it will only set you back. There is no logic in love, so stop trying to reason all of her actions. Give her the space that she needs. If you were the better option she will contact you.

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You don't want to contact her to get closure. You want to contact her because you miss her and you want her back. Closure is not going to satisfy you. What you gonna do if she says 'yeah, it was another guy.'? You reckon you'll just go "Oh thanks I feel much better now. Bye."? Come on man.. Don't BS yourself. Seeing her again will make it worse. BELIEVE IT! Re-reading your original post I spotted the needy comments Goldway told you about. You need to pay special attention to how desperate you look to her.. No better way to completely extricate yourself from this woman's life than by looking like you can't live without her. So don't do it.

 

Not that this should be your modus operandi because there is no guarantee it will happen, but if it helps you keep NC, think of it as your best and only way to POSSIBLY get her back. NOTHING but space and time away and total radio silence from you, and her reaching out first when she's good and ready will give you that opportunity. But more importantly, it is the only way to heal properly. And even if you wanted her back to begin with but reconciling never seems to be on the horizon, over time (months not weeks), you won't be so bothered any more..

 

Be strong man. We know how much it hurts..

Edited by banana1522
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