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She left me 2 weeks ago...


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So here we go again

 

My new found love that i've known for about 6 months left me 2 weeks ago.

 

She really was the one. She had it all. She made me feel like a king. She showed so much love and dedication for me that i've never ever before experienced in my life. I had a 4 year relationship before her, and i never had any of the love or respect that i had from this girl.

 

My last ex hurt me so much that i stopped trusting women, i stopped trusting myself, basically i stopped trusting anyone and i isolated myself for 1 year.

 

Then this new girl came along outta nowhere and she pulled me back up. She made me feel what love really is about, i felt like i got a new shot at life with her. I was so happy. Even though we've known each other for only 5-6 months. It felt like we've known each other for a life time. We were together basically each day.

 

We did everything, we literally lived together but not officially. But it felt like we did. She wanted everything with me, family, kids, house, marriage, etc..

 

But i f****d it up. Totally. Not once not twice but multiple times. And the regret i feel is so bad i want to kill myself.

 

What did i do u might wonder? Well basically I'm a jealous douchebag. I had so low self esteem that i felt threathened by everything and everyone. If a guy at work talked to her, i'd explode. If she got a call from some old friend, i'd explode. She forgave me couple times. But now she left me. And i deserve it, she is worth much more then this. I was once a good calm guy that had so much respect and trust for women, all of that went missing with my last ex that broke my heart so terribly. And now i messed up a brand new girl and let it go out all over her when she in fact was innocent and trustworthy.

 

After the breakup i cried to her several hours, begged, bought flowers etc. Then i did NC for a week. After that i sent flowers to her work. Her answer to that was to block me from all social media. She has not respond to my calls or text messages.

 

I also wrote and send her a letter where i explained everything I've been through in my life before her and why i reacted how i reacted. She didn't care and she is really hurt and said i've got my self to blame for everything.

 

What should i do now? I really need this girl back in my life, i will NEVER forgive myself if i don't get a second last chance with her to make this right this time.

 

Please help

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She did the right thing.

 

Irrational jealousy ruins everything.

 

If you're not seeing a therapist, find one and commit to medium to longer term therapy.

 

If you don't this problem will ruin every relationship you have.

 

The fact that you are having thoughts of suicide makes it even clearer that you need to get into therapy.

 

It won't 'fix' you, but it will help you to find solutions to your problems.

 

Tough love, but love nonetheless,

 

Satu

Edited by Satu
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She did the right thing.

 

Irrational jealousy ruins everything.

 

If you're not seeing a therapist, find one and commit to medium to longer term therapy.

 

If you don't this problem will ruin every relationship you have.

 

The fact that you are having thoughts of suicide makes it even clearer that you need to get into therapy.

 

It won't 'fix' you, but it will help you to find solutions to your problems.

 

Tough love, but love nonetheless,

 

Satu

I understand that. Thats why i wrote her a 10 page letter and opened up and wrote stuff no one knows about me. No one knew what i've been through. I really explained everything.

 

I am willing to see a therapist anything really.

 

But i just want her back, no one else. Is there a slightest chance ever?

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I wouldn't bet on her coming back around. She probably got fed up with your insane jealousy and realized that enough is enough. Women don't want a guy who is irrationally jealous, and who hasn't dealt with their past constructively. They want someone who trusts them, who respects them and who makes them feel good about themselves.

 

Go completely no contact. No gifts, no calls no FB messages, no contact at all. Throw yourself into making yourself emotionally healthy through therapy, hobbies and spending time with loved ones.

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I understand that. Thats why i wrote her a 10 page letter and opened up and wrote stuff no one knows about me. No one knew what i've been through. I really explained everything.

 

I am willing to see a therapist anything really.

 

But i just want her back, no one else. Is there a slightest chance ever?

 

There's always a chance, but it's the slimmest of slim chances, I think.

 

Being around someone who is irrationally jealous is traumatic and emotionally wounding. That's why I say that she did the right thing. She's protecting herself.

 

You should really focus on yourself and how you are feeling, while she does the same.

 

No contact.

 

Take good care of yourself.

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I wouldn't bet on her coming back around. She probably got fed up with your insane jealousy and realized that enough is enough. Women don't want a guy who is irrationally jealous, and who hasn't dealt with their past constructively. They want someone who trusts them, who respects them and who makes them feel good about themselves.

 

Go completely no contact. No gifts, no calls no FB messages, no contact at all. Throw yourself into making yourself emotionally healthy through therapy, hobbies and spending time with loved ones.

That's what i was planning to do even if it's the hardest thing I've had to done in my life so far. I will go no contact and live on the hope that she some day some where will come back and give me a last chance.

There's always a chance, but it's the slimmest of slim chances, I think.

 

Being around someone who is irrationally jealous is traumatic and emotionally wounding. That's why I say that she did the right thing. She's protecting herself.

 

You should really focus on yourself and how you are feeling, while she does the same.

 

No contact.

 

Take good care of yourself.

Yeah she was really hurt by my behavior. I can tell that. And it really saddens me that i did hurt her, it saddens me more then when i was hurt. Because she really was a keeper. And i will blame, hate myself forever and regret this forever.

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That's what i was planning to do even if it's the hardest thing I've had to done in my life so far. I will go no contact and live on the hope that she some day some where will come back and give me a last chance.

 

Yeah she was really hurt by my behavior. I can tell that. And it really saddens me that i did hurt her, it saddens me more then when i was hurt. Because she really was a keeper. And *i will blame, hate myself forever and regret this forever.

 

*Try not to say things like that to yourself. It is almost like putting a curse on yourself.

 

I understand your pain, but self-hatred won't move you forward. It will only keep you stuck where you are.

 

*********************************

 

Here is something I wrote for myself and put into practice. Some of it might help you.

 

*********************************

 

1. Recognise that you're still in the crisis phase - you are very hurt, disappointed and angry, but the intensity of your feelings will reduce.

 

2. Don't suppress your feelings, or tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling - that never helps.

 

3. Externalise your feelings by writing them down, talking to a trustworthy person, or using any other mode of expression that feels right.

 

4. Remind yourself frequently that you can and will have a good life without this person.

 

5. Tell yourself frequently that you can and will love again.

 

6. Take care of your body:

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. Thats 2 litres a day for a male.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

7. Do not allow yourself to become socially isolated or withdrawn.

 

8. Establish Total No Contact with your ex. No contact directly, indirectly, or by social media.

 

9. Keep up with all your responsibilities and things you have to do.

 

10. Do not use alcohol or drugs in an attempt to self-medicate.

 

11. Post here as often as you want to. People here want to help.

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Hope Shimmers

I have been in the position of trying to 'defend' myself against false accusations of flirting or doing things with other men when I did none of it. There is no worse feeling in the world and nothing worse than the person you love accusing you of it.

 

Stop the 10 page letters and contact. Leave her alone.

 

Fix YOU. You haven't yet. You are just sorry you lost her, you haven't fixed the underlying problem. Then maybe you can go back to her and say you learned an important lesson, and maybe she will hear you. She was smart to leave a person who didn't trust her when she did nothing to deserve distrust.

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May i ask - When you 'explode' after she were talking to an old friend or someone from work - What exactly did you do? How exactly did you hurt her?

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ExpatInItaly

Leave her alone. I dated a man like you, and you don't understand how emotionally abusive you are. You don't get it unless you've been the victim of it. It's incredibly offensive and draining and hurtful.

 

Anything is possible, but I think it's likely she's gone for good. I know that I could never go back to be with my insanely jealous ex. Once I decided I was done, that was it for me. I have now moved on to a much healthier man who doesn't subject me to emotional and verbal explosions. The difference is night and day and I am so much happier now. If you want to be that healthier man, you need to forget about her and all women for a while and work on you.

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Satu is correct, I would recommend focusing exclusively on yourself right now, seeing a therapist and processing not just what happened in this relationship, but the one before that. It sounds to me like you never really got over what happened the last time around, so much so that it poisoned this relationship. You need to get past your mistrust and jealousy or it will doom every relationship you have from now on. Therapy will help you do that.

 

Also, I would stop concentrating on her being "the one" or blaming yourself for what happened. Blame is only helpful in one way: Recognizing what you need to change to be a better partner in the future. I think you've already done that. You can't change the past, but you CAN make the future better. Concentrate on that. Whether she comes back or not is not up to you, so stop worrying about that aspect of your life and work on being a better person and a better partner from now on. It's really the only good option you have.

 

Good luck, and keep posting here. It will help.

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This train left the station. When a girl falls out of love it's game over. Learn from this experience and don't let the past hold you back; not every girl you see is like your ex. With that in mind, be a better BF next time and move on.

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I have been in the position of trying to 'defend' myself against false accusations of flirting or doing things with other men when I did none of it. There is no worse feeling in the world and nothing worse than the person you love accusing you of it.

 

Stop the 10 page letters and contact. Leave her alone.

 

Fix YOU. You haven't yet. You are just sorry you lost her, you haven't fixed the underlying problem. Then maybe you can go back to her and say you learned an important lesson, and maybe she will hear you. She was smart to leave a person who didn't trust her when she did nothing to deserve distrust.

I can only imagine the feeling. And i have my deepest regrets. Even if it's not an excuse, i wasn't always like this. It's only due to my last relationship when i really was betrayed. I even stopped trusting my own mother after that. I really isolated myself for more then a year, i just wish i met this new girl at some other time when i was completely healed. And I never told her this, i kept it inside of me, until now when it's to late, i explained everything in the letter. The letter isn't even enough, could write 10 more of those letters and the words wouldn't be enough. :(

 

May i ask - When you 'explode' after she were talking to an old friend or someone from work - What exactly did you do? How exactly did you hurt her?
Well i would explode when i saw her like some guy's pic on instagram, if an old guy friend would call her, i would question her about it for several hours until i gave her headache. I didn't trust her explanations when she would given them to me. She was a really good looking attractive woman that had a social job that involved helping people. Some guys would come to her work just to look at her, even if they didn't have any reason to be there, they just went there for a chance to talk to her. She told me this each time, and i would attack her instead for not turning them down better. I would tell her that she lacks respect for me and stuff like that. So basically i laid to much focus on what was happening around us instead of putting focus on her and how to make her happy, trust her, and love her unconditionally. Small things here and there and arguments eventually grew into something to big for her to bear.

 

Leave her alone. I dated a man like you, and you don't understand how emotionally abusive you are. You don't get it unless you've been the victim of it. It's incredibly offensive and draining and hurtful.

 

Anything is possible, but I think it's likely she's gone for good. I know that I could never go back to be with my insanely jealous ex. Once I decided I was done, that was it for me. I have now moved on to a much healthier man who doesn't subject me to emotional and verbal explosions. The difference is night and day and I am so much happier now. If you want to be that healthier man, you need to forget about her and all women for a while and work on you.

I hope that one day she will come back and see that this is not who i am really am nor going to be ever again. She showed so much love that i think i took her for granted. I was not used to that kind of love. I never had experienced that before in my life, ever.

Satu is correct, I would recommend focusing exclusively on yourself right now, seeing a therapist and processing not just what happened in this relationship, but the one before that. It sounds to me like you never really got over what happened the last time around, so much so that it poisoned this relationship. You need to get past your mistrust and jealousy or it will doom every relationship you have from now on. Therapy will help you do that.

 

Also, I would stop concentrating on her being "the one" or blaming yourself for what happened. Blame is only helpful in one way: Recognizing what you need to change to be a better partner in the future. I think you've already done that. You can't change the past, but you CAN make the future better. Concentrate on that. Whether she comes back or not is not up to you, so stop worrying about that aspect of your life and work on being a better person and a better partner from now on. It's really the only good option you have.

 

Good luck, and keep posting here. It will help.

Thanks but it's hard to focus on myself right now because I'm really devastated. I can't eat, sleep, work, think..nothing. Everything I'm thinking about is her constantly and the misstakes that i regret.

 

This train left the station. When a girl falls out of love it's game over. Learn from this experience and don't let the past hold you back; not every girl you see is like your ex. With that in mind, be a better BF next time and move on.
:(:(

I wish she could just give me one last chance to sit down with her and talk to her. She said i can't force her to anything and it will never be good if you force someone into something and she is right. If she ever thinks about giving me a last chance it must come from her heart. She also said that there are no excuses for my behavior what so ever. This is how she feels right now and she thinks its the right decision.

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Well, after reading your additional information i think that even if she took you back it cannot work.

 

1. Your behavior is not something you can adjust like a t.v remote control. Your jealousy is your true feeling, and all you can promise right now is that you will technically try to control it. But your jealousy will be there, and i don't think you will manage to repress it for ever.

 

2. If she took you back from that position, you will lose your right to question her about anything, something spouses do on daily bases. It's like a man who was alcoholic and now he is not allowed to have even a small drink like the rest of us. this situation is not healthy for a relationship.

 

I think you deserve a relationship with someone equal to you. Not someone that you must be a doormat in order to win her. With your new girl you will have a chance to control your jealousy issue. That's my opinion.

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Well, after reading your additional information i think that even if she took you back it cannot work.

 

1. Your behavior is not something you can adjust like a t.v remote control. Your jealousy is your true feeling, and all you can promise right now is that you will technically try to control it. But your jealousy will be there, and i don't think you will manage to repress it for ever.

 

2. If she took you back from that position, you will lose your right to question her about anything, something spouses do on daily bases. It's like a man who was alcoholic and now he is not allowed to have even a small drink like the rest of us. this situation is not healthy for a relationship.

 

I think you deserve a relationship with someone equal to you. Not someone that you must be a doormat in order to win her. With your new girl you will have a chance to control your jealousy issue. That's my opinion.

 

Thanks for your constructive input. Everything you said is pretty much on point. But i doubt there is anoyone out there that is equal to my current jealousy. And i don't think i would ever want a relationship like that where i have a jealous partner that keeps me in a cage.

 

I wasn't really her doormat but i gotta admit there were these small things that we're annoying me. I just can't accept the fact a girl having male friends. I just don't see any reason for that. A shoulder to cry on is a **** to ride on basically. Also her best girl friend really bugged me. She called her every hour, spoke to her for like 20 min each time. I felt like her best friend didn't have respect that i was around her. And her best friend was jealous of me coming in her life due to that resulting in less time for her and her friend to hang around like they used to before i came into her life.

 

Its just all these small things that escalated slowly but surely. Maybe i was asking for too much, maybe i was jealous, maybe i was an complete idiot. I don't know. But not everything i did was wrong. And not everything she did was right.

 

I don't have any girl friends, i don't follow or like other girls pictures and give them attention, i don't go party, i don't take my friends before her. I want to be her whole world not just a part of it..

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Thanks but it's hard to focus on myself right now because I'm really devastated. I can't eat, sleep, work, think..nothing. Everything I'm thinking about is her constantly and the misstakes that i regret.

 

 

I know it's hard, but this is what you have to do, or you will continue to make the same mistakes. You have to solve the underlying problem before you can be successful in this or any future relationship. It is hard, but it is also the only good choice you have.

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If she gave you 'another chance', it wouldn't work, because nothing in you has changed. You'd 'try' not to be jealous, but the jealousy would slam back in as soon as she has any interaction with a male.

 

Jealousy is something that ruins everything.

 

It negates all the good.

 

When it kicks in, the jealousy makes you treat the person as an enemy.

 

Without therapy, and possibly medication, you are unlikely to get a grip on this and move forward.

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I want to be her whole world not just a part of it..

 

OP, I know you wrote a long post, but the above sentence was what I really want to focus on.

 

You should be happy that your girlfriend has other things going on in her life other than you. Expecting someone to want to be your whole world is unfair and ridiculous.

 

To be honest, the statement reeks of controlling issues, especially coinciding with "I just can't accept the fact a woman having male friends." If you trust her, who cares that she has opposite sex friends. If that's really a dealbreaker for you, then she isn't the one for you.

 

A woman who respects herself doesn't want to be someone's whole world. That's a lot of pressure and hearing that you want this from her also makes me wonder if you have ANY hobbies of your own.

 

A well rounded relationship allows for each person within the relationship to have their own dreams, hobbies. friends etc. A woman with more going on in her life, other than you, has a whole lot more to bring to the relationship.

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I know it's hard, but this is what you have to do, or you will continue to make the same mistakes. You have to solve the underlying problem before you can be successful in this or any future relationship. It is hard, but it is also the only good choice you have.

 

I came to this new city to build a new future, i got a work here, a place to live and plus i met her here. Now without her none of it has a meaning anymore. I don't know anyone in this new city I'm in. I feel alone and isolated again. Im leaving the work and apartment an heading back to my family and start from scratch again. It will be very hard to do, it's only been 6 months since i came here. But there is no point of me staying here now when i don't have a life nor anyone here anymore. I realize she doesn't want me anywhere near her. I feel bad here, everything reminds me of her, all the places we've been to, things we did, etc..Everything was lost that day she left.

 

If she gave you 'another chance', it wouldn't work, because nothing in you has changed. You'd 'try' not to be jealous, but the jealousy would slam back in as soon as she has any interaction with a male.

 

Jealousy is something that ruins everything.

 

It negates all the good.

 

When it kicks in, the jealousy makes you treat the person as an enemy.

 

Without therapy, and possibly medication, you are unlikely to get a grip on this and move forward.

Yeah i hate my jealousy, i hate that it build me up and defines me as a person now just because i was once really hurt, before that i was the most secure person that never felt threatened by anyone. I never asked my girl where or with whom are u going. But once that trust was broken, it was broken forever in my head, not just with her but with everyone, now i must find back the old me, that i was 4 years ago.

 

OP, I know you wrote a long post, but the above sentence was what I really want to focus on.

 

You should be happy that your girlfriend has other things going on in her life other than you. Expecting someone to want to be your whole world is unfair and ridiculous.

 

To be honest, the statement reeks of controlling issues, especially coinciding with "I just can't accept the fact a woman having male friends." If you trust her, who cares that she has opposite sex friends. If that's really a dealbreaker for you, then she isn't the one for you.

 

A woman who respects herself doesn't want to be someone's whole world. That's a lot of pressure and hearing that you want this from her also makes me wonder if you have ANY hobbies of your own.

 

A well rounded relationship allows for each person within the relationship to have their own dreams, hobbies. friends etc. A woman with more going on in her life, other than you, has a whole lot more to bring to the relationship.

True that, like i said. Im in a whole new bit city right now alone. Don't know anyone, don't have any friends, in my old city i also lost my best friends due to my isolation period, i basically just got family left there. No hobbies besides gym training. I realize i put much pressure in her, i was looking for a girlfriend, best friend, family, hobbies, everything in her since i don't have any of it in my life.

 

I hated when she wasn't spending time with me, because when she didn't that made me just wait for my turn to have time with her. I didn't have anything else to do. She has many friends here, they keep calling her each day, asking if she want to plan something for the weekend and stuff. And that was for me hard because i don't have anyone calling me you know? She was my whole world while i was just a part of her. There should've been some kind of balance, and everything would of been good now instead.

 

I came here for her, i sacrificed everything. Now i must sacrifice everything i build up here and head back and start all over again from scratch.

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I'm also a jealous guy. I disagree with those who says that jealousy ruins relationships. It is so much subjective.

 

Me and my current wife - We had so many jealousy fights, but we both were jealous and somehow maybe jealousy is what kept our relationship lively and exciting for so many years.

 

To make it work it should fit to both sides. In your case maybe it didn't and may i come up with a speculation - Maybe it was something else... maybe she would have broken up with you anyway because other stuff and it was easier for her to put the blame on your jealousy.

 

You say you don't have female friends... But she has, and there isn't the right way or the wrong way. I can tell you that girls can cheat even if they have no guy male friends, and be faithful when they have a lot of male friends.

 

Maybe you just don't fit. She was the first to admit it. Respect her for that.

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I'm also a jealous guy. I disagree with those who says that jealousy ruins relationships. It is so much subjective.

 

Me and my current wife - We had so many jealousy fights, but we both were jealous and somehow maybe jealousy is what kept our relationship lively and exciting for so many years.

 

To make it work it should fit to both sides. In your case maybe it didn't and may i come up with a speculation - Maybe it was something else... maybe she would have broken up with you anyway because other stuff and it was easier for her to put the blame on your jealousy.

 

You say you don't have female friends... But she has, and there isn't the right way or the wrong way. I can tell you that girls can cheat even if they have no guy male friends, and be faithful when they have a lot of male friends.

 

Maybe you just don't fit. She was the first to admit it. Respect her for that.

So your suggestion is that i find someone as jealous?

 

I really want her back though. Day 4 of NC today.. :(

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I broke NC and did not get any response :(

 

What's the point of NC when she is determined plus we never had an official relationship. Why would NC work? it will only make her forget about me faster :(

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NC is not a tool, strategy, or trick to make someone come back.

 

It is a tool for healing after a breakup.

 

The more strictly you apply it the better it helps your healing.

 

Maybe she has figured out what NC is really for.

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NC is not a tool, strategy, or trick to make someone come back.

 

It is a tool for healing after a breakup.

 

The more strictly you apply it the better it helps your healing.

 

Maybe she has figured out what NC is really for.

 

What do u mean with she has figured out what NC is for?

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What do u mean with she has figured out what NC is for?

 

NC isn't used to get your ex back. It's used so both members of the relationship can move on and find peace. By her not responding, she's telling you that she's still healing from the relationship.

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