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I have a question and Im sure its been covered already but I havent found it. I am on week 2 of NC after long distance relationship ended after a year and a half of being together. I was just wondering if anyone ever sent a light hearted something to the dumper about what you have learned from the whole experience, and if anything good came from doing that?

 

I have a crazy urge to try and make things right between us and taking time apart has givin me a better perspective on things. So its hard to keep these thoughts and feelings to myself. I know I could write a nice message, but in the back of my mind I still have this feeling of rejection and that I will just be wasting my time. She might even be looking for something like this and help her. Or the opposite and just push her farther away.

 

Some background info: Distance was really getting to us. Losing ourselves in the process. We become unhappy and just relied on the past memories and future promises and let ourselves get comfortable, and eventually she lost feelings for me in the same way. She said that she didnt know who she was. I saw that she was slipping away for about a month but never had the guts to tell her thinking I would make things harder. We loved eachother dearly just got tired of this distance. She is a freshman in college and I am a junior and once I graduated I planned on moving closer to her if I landed a good job there. When we broke up I supported her with both of our intentions being that it would help us and we would come back in a better place. The first week she would text me first, even asking me to promise that I moved to her. I took that as a great thing and that I could open up and thought she might be ready to work on things...that backfired quick. One thing led to another and we hurt ourselves from being so emotional, hurt, and frustrated that we ended up just leaving it at if it was meant to be it will be. She said that she really thinks we had something special and that I am the one but she just needs space and time to think about what she wants. I still have this weird feeling that we are both working on ourselves and working towards the same thing. My hope is that she will one day be willing to contact me and work on things or even just to talk casually. There's just a lot of things I would like to say to her, and as time goes on I realise that it may not get her back, but there's never a wrong time to do the right thing. BUT then tomorrow Ill be thinking that the only thing that will turn things around is herself. I really think its the fact that being a dumpee makes you feel like you have no control, so the impulses and feelings really hit hard throughout the day no matter how hard you try to be calm and rational, because your honestly helpless in this situation.

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Do not message her. Delete her number to resist the temptation. Nothing good will come from it. Do not respond to anything other than 'I made a mistake, let's work on things', or something of that ilk. Just don't do it. You're only delaying your own healing. I messaged my ex after 6 weeks of NC, ended up back at square one.

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I have a question and Im sure its been covered already but I havent found it. I am on week 2 of NC after long distance relationship ended after a year and a half of being together. I was just wondering if anyone ever sent a light hearted something to the dumper about what you have learned from the whole experience, and if anything good came from doing that?
Really? You haven't found it?

Sure, there are plenty of examples of people breaking NC to 'touch base' or just to 're-cap on finalities' or 'gain closure' or 'just thank them for the great times'... blah blah, blah.

Without exception, every single instance was a Bad Idea.

Very bad.

pointless, and utterly self-defeating.

 

 

I have a crazy urge to try and make things right between us and taking time apart has givin me a better perspective on things.

No. You have a crazy urge to appeal to their 'better ise' in the glimmering hope of evincing some kind of response to justify your breaking NC, if only to get some kind of feedback, which would indicate they must still have feelings for you, right....?

 

So its hard to keep these thoughts and feelings to myself. I know I could write a nice message, but in the back of my mind I still have this feeling of rejection and that I will just be wasting my time. She might even be looking for something like this and help her. Or the opposite and just push her farther away.

Yup. So, best fight the urges and not contact her. It just rips the plaster off, tears the stitches and re-opens the wound until it's a gaping bleeding mess.

 

Some background info: Distance was really getting to us. Losing ourselves in the process. We become unhappy and just relied on the past memories and future promises and let ourselves get comfortable, and eventually she lost feelings for me in the same way. She said that she didnt know who she was. I saw that she was slipping away for about a month but never had the guts to tell her thinking I would make things harder. We loved eachother dearly just got tired of this distance. She is a freshman in college and I am a junior and once I graduated I planned on moving closer to her if I landed a good job there. When we broke up I supported her with both of our intentions being that it would help us and we would come back in a better place. The first week she would text me first, even asking me to promise that I moved to her. I took that as a great thing and that I could open up and thought she might be ready to work on things...that backfired quick. One thing led to another and we hurt ourselves from being so emotional, hurt, and frustrated that we ended up just leaving it at if it was meant to be it will be. She said that she really thinks we had something special and that I am the one but she just needs space and time to think about what she wants. I still have this weird feeling that we are both working on ourselves and working towards the same thing. My hope is that she will one day be willing to contact me and work on things or even just to talk casually.

 

Thanks but, unnecessary and irrelevant.

You've broken up, you are no more, it's over.

That's the main thing that counts.

The remainder is now of no importance at all, any more.

Sorry, but there it is.

 

There's just a lot of things I would like to say to her, and as time goes on I realise that it may not get her back, but there's never a wrong time to do the right thing. BUT then tomorrow Ill be thinking that the only thing that will turn things around is herself. I really think its the fact that being a dumpee makes you feel like you have no control, so the impulses and feelings really hit hard throughout the day no matter how hard you try to be calm and rational, because your honestly helpless in this situation.

 

There's always a right time to do the wrong thing though, and it would be a really wrong thing to do, however right you think it may be.

 

You actually aren't 'helpless' at all. In fact, the more solidly you maintain NC and remain strong and true to yourself, the better you will feel.

If she ever tries to feed you breadcrumbs in the future, you'll be far stronger and more able to treat any attempt on her part to 'just say hi' with the contempt it deserves.

This is YOUR time, to prove to yourself that moving on will make you stronger, more resilient, more whole.

Don't mess this up now.

 

(I take it you have found and read the No Contact Guide....?)

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Do not message her. Delete her number to resist the temptation. Nothing good will come from it. Do not respond to anything other than 'I made a mistake, let's work on things', or something of that ilk. Just don't do it. You're only delaying your own healing. I messaged my ex after 6 weeks of NC, ended up back at square one.

 

Yeah I feel like I am just waiting for the right time, delaying myself, and hoping for something that I have no control over. Im slowly realising that yeah, I made my mistakes of getting to comfortable, but it goes both ways. And so does fixing things. It sounds good to write something and send it but I have written 2 letters already...never sent, because I realized I was just writing it for me. Plus I wouldnt want to force my opinion or try and fix things with someone if they didnt want to in the first place. So maybe it is just best to let her initiate any sort of contact? Thats the only way I would truly know she was genuine and willing to work on things.

 

All I can think about are all the good times and how we were with eachother, and Im not bragging, but I would be so suprised if she never reached out to me. (Considering her reasons she gave me were legit). We had our frustrations and fights but most of the time it was because we missed eachother and couldnt love eachother like we wanted and eventually settled for how things are unintentionally. I dont know. I know its not really my place to miss her, but I do and will continue to. I truly think we had the right kind of love, which makes it hard. But im tryin to stay as positive as I can and not show that Im hurting. Im hoping she will start to notice that "void" that everyone talks about.

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Yeah I feel like I am just waiting for the right time, delaying myself, and hoping for something that I have no control over. Im slowly realising that yeah, I made my mistakes of getting to comfortable, but it goes both ways. And so does fixing things. It sounds good to write something and send it but I have written 2 letters already...never sent, because I realized I was just writing it for me. Plus I wouldnt want to force my opinion or try and fix things with someone if they didnt want to in the first place. So maybe it is just best to let her initiate any sort of contact? Thats the only way I would truly know she was genuine and willing to work on things.

 

All I can think about are all the good times and how we were with eachother, and Im not bragging, but I would be so suprised if she never reached out to me. (Considering her reasons she gave me were legit). We had our frustrations and fights but most of the time it was because we missed eachother and couldnt love eachother like we wanted and eventually settled for how things are unintentionally. I dont know. I know its not really my place to miss her, but I do and will continue to. I truly think we had the right kind of love, which makes it hard. But im tryin to stay as positive as I can and not show that Im hurting. Im hoping she will start to notice that "void" that everyone talks about.

 

My ex reached out after around 5 weeks of NC, despite the fact she was already seeing someone new. Probably because she kept dropping breadcrumbs or attempting to make me jealous and I just wouldn't budge, so she eventually felt the need to message me. I ignored both of her messages, I had no interest in what we had to say however I feel like she was REALLY desperate to get a reply. She said 'can I just ask you something quickly please?'. Now, this really did work me up and I was so interested in finding out what she wanted to ask but I just told myself that 99.9% it'll be something completely irrelevant and she just wants to know I'm still hooked on her. Three hours after ignoring her, she sent another 'OR NOT'. Yeah, or not, you got that right. I have nothing to say to you unless you want to work on things!

 

I'm very, very confident your ex will reach out to you at some point. However, in my honest opinion, I really wouldn't bother replying UNLESS she clearly states she wants to try again. Otherwise you'll end up resetting all your healing and you'll be back to feeling the way you did when she ended it.

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My ex reached out after around 5 weeks of NC, despite the fact she was already seeing someone new. Probably because she kept dropping breadcrumbs or attempting to make me jealous and I just wouldn't budge, so she eventually felt the need to message me. I ignored both of her messages, I had no interest in what we had to say however I feel like she was REALLY desperate to get a reply. She said 'can I just ask you something quickly please?'. Now, this really did work me up and I was so interested in finding out what she wanted to ask but I just told myself that 99.9% it'll be something completely irrelevant and she just wants to know I'm still hooked on her. Three hours after ignoring her, she sent another 'OR NOT'. Yeah, or not, you got that right. I have nothing to say to you unless you want to work on things!

 

I'm very, very confident your ex will reach out to you at some point. However, in my honest opinion, I really wouldn't bother replying UNLESS she clearly states she wants to try again. Otherwise you'll end up resetting all your healing and you'll be back to feeling the way you did when she ended it.

 

haha yeah if she started seeing anyone I wouldnt think twice about not responding. I couldnt deal with that. you did good man!

 

But yeah I would be alright with a casual conversation a couple times, but if there was no talk of a future, I would flat out tell her ive got plenty of friends, I want a girlfriend. Thanks for your insight. Its crazy how much it helps. I gotta ask though, what makes you confident that she will reach out?

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haha yeah if she started seeing anyone I wouldnt think twice about not responding. I couldnt deal with that. you did good man!

 

But yeah I would be alright with a casual conversation a couple times, but if there was no talk of a future, I would flat out tell her ive got plenty of friends, I want a girlfriend. Thanks for your insight. Its crazy how much it helps. I gotta ask though, what makes you confident that she will reach out?

 

It's an ego thing. They want to know you're still hooked on them, I'm almost 100% sure your ex will reach out to you. Whether it's in 3 weeks, 3 months, or 3 years, chances are, she will. If I'm honest I'd much rather my ex just didn't bother with all the breadcrumbs, and messaging me. It doesn't help anyone, just gives you a very temporary high and a little bit of false hope, only to come crashing back down again. Break ups suck.

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I agree with AJ that she might contact you if you maintain NC. But your cases are different.

 

NC meant for many reasons - One of them is to heal yourself and to gain power to move on. But if you're obsessed with it, you're gonna be distracted by it for a long time, and i think NC is not the only way.

 

If you want to contact her so much, I have a suggestion for you, that decreases chances of rejection. send her a mail or even call her but don't tell her anything you really want to say. No deep $hit. hold yourself and don't be emotional.

 

Think of something nice, something with a real content, something valuable to her that you can tell her, news... something funny... ect... She will probably not reject that, and with the continuing light contact you might feel where the wind is going.

 

Be the one who gives breadcrumbs, and watch her reactions and don't rush to jump into conclusions. Wait and see. You might feel she is not so enthusiastic to be in touch with you and if so, that is the sign to go full NC for a very long period but you will also get rid of your urge to contact her.

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I agree with AJ that she might contact you if you maintain NC. But your cases are different.

 

NC meant for many reasons - One of them is to heal yourself and to gain power to move on. But if you're obsessed with it, you're gonna be distracted by it for a long time, and i think NC is not the only way.

 

If you want to contact her so much, I have a suggestion for you, that decreases chances of rejection. send her a mail or even call her but don't tell her anything you really want to say. No deep $hit. hold yourself and don't be emotional.

 

Think of something nice, something with a real content, something valuable to her that you can tell her, news... something funny... ect... She will probably not reject that, and with the continuing light contact you might feel where the wind is going.

 

Be the one who gives breadcrumbs, and watch her reactions and don't rush to jump into conclusions. Wait and see. You might feel she is not so enthusiastic to be in touch with you and if so, that is the sign to go full NC for a very long period but you will also get rid of your urge to contact her.

 

I tried to contact my ex without bringing anything emotional in to it after 6 weeks of no contact. Regretted it immediately after I sent the message. It was just a simple question, but I felt like I'd undone all my hard work and basically handed her my testicles in a nice neat bow-tied bag. She responded, I realised I wasn't ready to communicate, I was blunt with her, she said 'k'. End of, I was back to square one.

 

You CAN contact your ex if you want to OP, but I would strongly suggest you don't.

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I agree with AJ that she might contact you if you maintain NC. But your cases are different.

 

NC meant for many reasons - One of them is to heal yourself and to gain power to move on. But if you're obsessed with it, you're gonna be distracted by it for a long time, and i think NC is not the only way.

 

If you want to contact her so much, I have a suggestion for you, that decreases chances of rejection. send her a mail or even call her but don't tell her anything you really want to say. No deep $hit. hold yourself and don't be emotional.

 

Think of something nice, something with a real content, something valuable to her that you can tell her, news... something funny... ect... She will probably not reject that, and with the continuing light contact you might feel where the wind is going.

 

Be the one who gives breadcrumbs, and watch her reactions and don't rush to jump into conclusions. Wait and see. You might feel she is not so enthusiastic to be in touch with you and if so, that is the sign to go full NC for a very long period but you will also get rid of your urge to contact her.

 

Well the only thing about that is...I would feel like im faking something, hiding what I want to say, increasing my anxiety and hopes. She made it clear that she doesnt want a relationship with me right now and I've tried talking here and there but again...just feels fake and not where I want to be. I guess what I am saying is, my urge is to fix something that was so special and important to me, not talk about pointless stuff. I went out of my way to be nice to her after we broke up, sent flowers on valentines day just saying hope this makes your day a little brighter, a couple letters saying that I support her and nothing but nice things. But in the end all that did was hurt myself so I dont think I could go that route again, atleast for now. So doing this NC to me is to cool down and give her time to think and think about things clearly, while finding myself again, in hopes to come back stronger together and stronger as individuals. What NC means to her could be totally different. :confused:

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Well the only thing about that is...I would feel like im faking something, hiding what I want to say, increasing my anxiety and hopes. She made it clear that she doesnt want a relationship with me right now and I've tried talking here and there but again...just feels fake and not where I want to be. I guess what I am saying is, my urge is to fix something that was so special and important to me, not talk about pointless stuff. I went out of my way to be nice to her after we broke up, sent flowers on valentines day just saying hope this makes your day a little brighter, a couple letters saying that I support her and nothing but nice things. But in the end all that did was hurt myself so I dont think I could go that route again, atleast for now. So doing this NC to me is to cool down and give her time to think and think about things clearly, while finding myself again, in hopes to come back stronger together and stronger as individuals. What NC means to her could be totally different. :confused:

 

Honestly I wouldn't bother initiating contact with your ex until you're completely indifferent towards her. Like you could see her with another guy, and feel nothing. Until that point, you're not ready to contact her.

 

I've just deactivated my twitter and removed all of my social media accounts, as well as blocking my ex's number. Been almost 2 months since the break up and I keep stalling my healing, I've finally accepted the break up and I've realised she isn't coming back. Ever. Taking the necessary steps to move on!

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Honestly I wouldn't bother initiating contact with your ex until you're completely indifferent towards her. Like you could see her with another guy, and feel nothing. Until that point, you're not ready to contact her.

 

I've just deactivated my twitter and removed all of my social media accounts, as well as blocking my ex's number. Been almost 2 months since the break up and I keep stalling my healing, I've finally accepted the break up and I've realised she isn't coming back. Ever. Taking the necessary steps to move on!

 

Wait, so she wanted to talk to you to just be friends. But she never made the move to try?

 

I dont think you should remove all your stuff just because of her. I think you should just delete her and anyone else that reminds you of her. The most ive done is just not follow her on IG but she still follows me on that and facebook. This would all be so much easier if you could know what she's thinking right? :rolleyes:

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Wait, so she wanted to talk to you to just be friends. But she never made the move to try?

 

I dont think you should remove all your stuff just because of her. I think you should just delete her and anyone else that reminds you of her. The most ive done is just not follow her on IG but she still follows me on that and facebook. This would all be so much easier if you could know what she's thinking right? :rolleyes:

 

Past the point of caring what my ex is thinking now. She's with another boy, if she wishes to contact me still, she will have to go to very extreme measures to be able to do so. Chances are I'll never, ever see or hear from her again.

 

If she wants to be friends, I don't care. I don't want to be friends with her. If she wants to get back together, I don't care. I don't want her back, not now. I just want to get over her, hence the removal of any temptations to contact her or view her profiles on anything.

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Past the point of caring what my ex is thinking now. She's with another boy, if she wishes to contact me still, she will have to go to very extreme measures to be able to do so. Chances are I'll never, ever see or hear from her again.

 

If she wants to be friends, I don't care. I don't want to be friends with her. If she wants to get back together, I don't care. I don't want her back, not now. I just want to get over her, hence the removal of any temptations to contact her or view her profiles on anything.

 

To each his own I guess. I respect that! You gotta do what you gotta do thats for sure.

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organizedchaos
does anyone have any other opinions on this?

 

Opinions on what? Did you really search for this topic bc it's been asked a thousand times and the responses are the same as what you've gotten here. Your situation is not unique.

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In my third month of NC. In February I did sent lunar new year greetings via an SMS and Whatsapp. He didnt read his whatsapp. No reply from SMS sent. Suspected he changed his mobile number.

March is his birthday month. I sent out 2 birthday cards to 2 different offices. So far no sight of him..

My advice is.. you can break no contact for all you want.. But set no expectation when there isnt any response so you are not disappointed. I do think of him and do pin small hopes that he would one day in contact again. But chances are slim now.

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blackcat777

My boyfriend broke up with me and I was devastated, first heartbreak of my life. I went cold, hard NC from the moment I hung up the phone from the breakup call, blocked him everywhere, and did not budge until he came and banged down my door four months later.

 

There were SO many letters I wanted to send him. Thank god I didn't send them; I burned them.

 

We reconciled and our relationship is a million times stronger than it was before. The split was actually a good thing because it forced a difficult but fruitful period of growth for both of us.

 

He missed me like crazy while we were apart. He thought about me every day. I didn't believe him fully until I watched his friends lay into him for some apparently scary and depressed behavior in the weeks before he finally came around to me.

 

But here's the killer: had I contacted him at all before he reached out to me, he said, for as much as he missed me, it would have left him with a VERY, VERY BAD feeling.

 

It would have lowered my value in his eyes immensely because no self-respecting person reaches out to a person who throws them away.

 

Please read that again: no self-respecting person reaches out to a person who throws them away.

 

Self-respect is the basis of attraction, and the basis of building healthy relationships.

 

Plus, someone who dumps another person has to work out their feelings on their own. If you reach out, you interfere with that process in a disrespectful way; it means you couldn't respect their feelings for wanting to end the relationship; and, it makes you look desperate, and no one wants to be around anyone who is desperate.

 

I 110% understand how you feel. I know all those urges to write those letters. I cried face down in my bed for seven hours at a time during the breakup. I know the pain.

 

The best gift you can give yourself is the gift of healing, which means NC. Use this time to yourself to discover your boundaries and what is good for you.

 

If the ex comes back, you're free to welcome them back... if they come back in a way that is *truly* healthy for you.

 

Until your mind is clear enough to realize what's truly healthy--which means accepting that reaching out to a person who doesn't value you is not healthy--keep yourself in quarantine, in ex isolation. NC is your healing ward. You won't live there forever, but you'll do yourself even more harm if you come out before you're ready.

 

Let what is healthy for you be the guiding vision of your life. If an ex is truly sorry and wants to step up to the plate, let them. If they never do come around, you will realize as quickly as possible (through NC) that, in the end, as much pain as it has caused you, was a blessing, because you are now free to find someone who is going to love you like you deserve.

 

My heart goes out to everyone in the throes of a breakup. It sucks, especially for the first two months. But it does get better. I promise.

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Alright so here's an update, haven't sent anything or talked to her. Just today her best friend and her liked one of my pictures. Her friend never liked my stuff and they were both the first two people to like it. I know it's not a big deal and I should take it at face value... but isn't that weird?

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Alright so here's an update, haven't sent anything or talked to her. Just today her best friend and her liked one of my pictures. Her friend never liked my stuff and they were both the first two people to like it. I know it's not a big deal and I should take it at face value... but isn't that weird?

 

Ignore it. My ex would favourite my tweets from time to time. Just a dick move really, halts your healing and makes you over-analyse. Little bit of false hope for you to chew on whilst she's talking to other guys and looking for her next :)

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I don't think she's talking talking to anyone, I really think she is doin this for her happiness right now and to take a break from everything. She made it very clear she doesn't want any relationship with anyone. So I know it seems like it has to do with other guys but I really think she's just using this time to get her head straight. I've actually come to realize how unhappy I was just because of distance and being so frustrated and tired of being apart. Ofcourse I think there's too much goodness for her not to atleast try again later. My next contact will be her birthday next week. depending on the response back, that'll let me know where things are at. Like if she starts a conversation or something. Lol I'm probably just naive and too nice of a guy. But hey if rather be that guy than a dick.

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I don't think she's talking talking to anyone, I really think she is doin this for her happiness right now and to take a break from everything. She made it very clear she doesn't want any relationship with anyone. So I know it seems like it has to do with other guys but I really think she's just using this time to get her head straight. I've actually come to realize how unhappy I was just because of distance and being so frustrated and tired of being apart. Ofcourse I think there's too much goodness for her not to atleast try again later. My next contact will be her birthday next week. depending on the response back, that'll let me know where things are at. Like if she starts a conversation or something. Lol I'm probably just naive and too nice of a guy. But hey if rather be that guy than a dick.

 

You're setting yourself up for more pain. Do not contact her on her birthday. No contact means exactly that. Regardless of whether or not you 'think' she wants to try again, or if she's trying to get her head straight, whatever it is, it's irrelevant. She's irrelevant. She'll only become relevant again once she comes back and directly tells you she made a mistake and she wants to try again. Until then, and it's unlikely that time will ever come, she does not matter. Move on.

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You know her better than anyone on these forums just be prepared for the worst and be confident about yourself. Everyone on here has been dumped by their ex and hold on to some resentment because they broke up with them. My motto is to forgive and forget, life is too short to get hung up over a break up. If you really could care less if you get a response or not then I suggest you do whatever you want to do

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hey guys, just wanted to update you on what happened. I sent my ex this on her birthday, "heyy just wanted to wish you a happy birthday! Hope all is well with you, and you have a great day". To my suprise she replied... "Thank you so much. That means a lot. Things are okay with me. I hope you're doing good!!"

 

From there we talked practically all day about some old memories, flirted, she talked about stuff in the future that involved eachother. After the small talk was over I asked her something. I said "can we do something crazy and just say what we wish the other person would say?" She replied with, "Lol I'm not sure what you want me to say haha. But honestly this conversation has been perfect to me. I really missed talking to you. I miss having you in my life. I'm not making promises or anything right now but like you texting me this morning was the most important happy birthday I've gotten." I then told her my feelings about some things and included that I missed her and have been thinkin a lot about us. After I said my part she said "That means so much to me. You have no idea. I've been going crazy these past few weeks thinking about us. I thought you hated me. I was so worried I had ruined everything between us, like our friendship and stuff that I really wanted to keep no matter what."

 

She was always big into saying how independent she wants to be but to my suprise she said, " We need eachother, I know that now." So after all that I said, "I completely agree! I just want us to be ourselves, flirt, joke around, say what we want, and keep things simple and see where things go. No promises and expectations until we can honestly say it's the right thing and what we both want. That's all I want :)".

 

So! No contact did work. Let us cool off and think about things. But honestly my confusion has somewhat increased, but I'm definetely expecting the worst still and hoping for the best. I know time will only tell at this point. But the doors are open now. It's an uneasy feeling and I feel even vulnerable all over again, but this time I know I can handle myself. Some of you might think I'm headed to the friendzone, but you have to start somewhere, little by little, building momentum, and when we both know there is too much between us to be friends...there's no way we would settle for that, especially me.

 

I didn't meen to write a story, but I thought we could use a somewhat success story on here that might help someone. That's my goal anyways! I've learned that you can assume how someone feels, think the worst, but at the end of the day... you never know. Just gotta listen to your heart, and listen to yourself most of all.

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organizedchaos

I wouldn't call this a success story yet. Talk is cheap. Actions, not words.

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