We are in between second chances

[jalapeno86]

I don't even know where to begin. My heart is broken. We've been together for 10 months. The fights became too much. I drank and made things worse. We broke up a month ago. Not the first time we broke up. But, we still continued to see each other. She said recently she wants me not to stop her from meeting other people. She still calls, she still texts. I told her I couldn't do it anymore. Then I went back on it. I want to get her back. But, she keeps leaving, and she is just holding onto me while she finds a way out. And, I haven't given her a way out.

 

I don't know if this should be considered a second chance. Her actions show she is giving me a chance, but all she verbalizes is that I'll never have a second chance. What should I do? How can I be around her without being sad? How can I just meet someone else better and move on? I wish I could still see her. My heart breaks everytime, but I can't say no. Please someone help me.

[badpenny]

While you keep seeing her, while you insist you can't stop yourself, then there is no hope for you.

 

There is light at the end of the tunnel, but sadly, you have to do the hard work.

Unless you are determined to break this off for good, go No Contact and sever all ties, then the agony WILL continue, you will feel torn to shreds and the pain will NOT go away.

 

Sad to say buddy, the choice is yours.

We can do or say nothing to help you - unless you agree to help yourself.

[Ruby65]

If she's telling you that she's not going to give you a second chance.... BELIEVE HER.

 

Listen to what she's telling you: she doesn't want you to stop her from meeting other people and moving on.

 

She's keeping you around right now because it helps her feel less lonely while she looks for her next boyfriend. But she's not sticking around because she reconsidering the breakup -- and because she's telling you very plainly this isn't the case, it's up to YOU to draw firm boundaries to protect yourself.

 

You need to stop seeing her -- more than that, you need to cut all contact -- so you can start to heal and move on.

 

As long as you continue to see her/text her/talk to her.... you're not going to get out of this painful situation.

[jalapeno86]

The pain is too much. I feel like I'm going to break down. What do I do if she contacts me? I don't know how to say no. I don't know how to tell her to stop. I feel guilty, and I have this hope she feels the same way I do. I'm so scared. I'm scared I'll never see her, and I'm so scared that she will contact me. And, if she contacts me I'll want her to say she wants me back. But, she won't say that. How do I get over this? What if I still saw her, and she didn't say she wants me back? Can't I just be with her until she meets another guy. She said she'd do this.

[Ruby65]

When you go No Contact, you block her from being able to contact you.

 

So... you block her from your phone and your email and every site and app you use that she communicates with you through.

 

If you use a site or an app that doesn't let you block people, disable it for a few months, you'll survive without it.

 

It's important that you stop her from being able to toss you breadcrumbs when she senses you're not around to be her Plan B safety net anymore....

 

Here's a guide that will help you get over this: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

[jalapeno86]

you're right. even if it hurts her. even if it hurts me. I'm going no contact. I need at least 30 days. If she wants to contact me then, then I wouldn't mind giving it a try, but I know by then I will have met someone else and moved on.

[KBarletta]

But, she keeps leaving, and she is just holding onto me while she finds a way out.

 

She's holding onto you to cushion the blow for herself while she eases out of the relationship. Something of a life-raft, if you will, while she floats away.

Don't fall for it. It is not fair to you to keep subtly stringing you along while still telling you she wants freedom to meet other people. She wants freedom, so the only good option you have - unfortunately - is to give it to her. Set her free, go NC and work hard on healing and becoming a better person. All other options are going to prolong your pain.

You may say, "But I want her back ..." And that may be true, but that is not up to you. Your best move right now is to step away, give her her freedom and (after a lengthy period of hard work on yourselves) see what happens next.

[jalapeno86]

You're right. This is what I'm going to do. No contact. I can't go back on it anymore. This break up has been going on for 4 months now. It hurt so much. And, it might still hurt. But this is the only thing I can do now.

 

It's weird because I know she will contact me. And, I feel like if I can control my emotions that we'd have nothing to fight about. She told me - "don't plan to see me this weekend". I said - "Well, I guess I'll just plan to do something else". She then began the fight by saying - "Look, this is what you always do, you always have to get emotional, you have to make a big deal of everything, I wasn't saying I wasn't going to contact you."

 

Is this not an option? Don't I have the option of still seeing her but if I learned to control my emotions, won't it make me a better man?

 

For now, I'm just going to stick to no-contact. But if she asks me to come over in the middle of the night, I think I can still do that, but not be emotional. If anyone knows how to be the better man and not react to her negativity. That would really help. Right now, no contact from me.

 

I'm just starting to let go. I see this happening. I realize it's better to let go. If she wants one last hook up, fine... but sincerely, I'm not contacting her, and I'm not holding onto her.

 

I'm such a mess.

[Ruby65]

For now, I'm just going to stick to no-contact. But if she asks me to come over in the middle of the night, I think I can still do that, but not be emotional.

 

Okay.... if you go No Contact.... and block her everywhere... SHE WON'T BE ABLE to ask you to come over in the middle of the night!

 

You need some time away from this insanity so you can see what's really happening here. She's USING YOU to get over you.

 

She's using you... while she looks for her next boyfriend!

 

It's not a matter of controlling emotions. It's a matter of going No Contact so you can start to heal and live with some dignity and self-respect.

[jalapeno86]

So I was doing pretty good. I knew if I kept myself busy, I wouldn't think about her. That really worked. Maybe, from now on, when I wake up in the morning, I just need to leave my apartment and go do something. But what? I used to study in a coffee shop near her place. Actually my car is ****ed, so I shouldn't driving it anyways. Damn, I can't find my pack of cigarettes. It's the first thing I want to do this morning. Before this all happened, I was able to stay cigarette free for 40 days. Ewww they hurt so bad.

 

I'd like to go to the gym though, so I'm glad I didn't find any cigarettes this morning. I'm just gonna smoke some pot. That kind of helps. I get all scatter-brained, so I don't think about her as much.

 

So, last night I thought - hey, why not invite the cute girl for work out for a drink? I also have been 40 days clean of alcohol. But, without my ex- around, I have no one to answer to. When she first left me, I said I'd stop drinking to get her back. She ended coming back; even though, we haven't worked anything out yet. And, now contact is strained.

 

So anyways, it was a beautiful night. Let's say the new girl's name is Jenny. Jenny I've always liked. She flirts with me, but she also flirts with everyone else. I'm not sure anything would ever happen, but she seems to be more open to me now. I've never invited her for anything, she's never shown interesting in anyway. What's worse, is she knew about the whole break-up, she also knows I've slept with close to a 100 women - I used to tell her things like a friend, because I always had a girlfriend and never realistically thought me and Jenny would have a chance.

 

Anyways... point is, I looked at my phone while talking to Jenny. I noticed the ex- texted me "Hey. Are you available right now?'

 

Now, another thing I'm not proud of, even though I was no contact over text all day because she said she would "block me". I had been emailing her all day. I think I sent maybe 4-5 emails. One email sent was a video of our year together 2014 - with a soundtrack of our favorite music. Great video. She's seen it before, and she loved it. One email was explaining how I wouldn't be emotional anymore. One email had two links. One to a buzzfeed article about breaking-up at different ages. Another link was to a buzzfeed article about having resting nice face. Anyways we used to send each other links all day. I'd read the long-reads she sent, even though I'm a lazy reader. Anyways point is, I was being a needy douche. Oh yeah, and last email I sent reiterated that I wouldn't be emotional. And then, one more email I sent was saying that if we plan to hang out lets go to the trampoline park, because it would be refreshing for both of us. I know if I get her all happy and emotional she'd be in my arms. But, she still wouldn't be mine.

 

Anyways, point is. She texted me while I was out, and I hadn't read it until 30 min. after it was sent since I was having such a great time getting to know Jenny. My ex- always told me I was a horrible listener, bad communicator, and that I never ask questions. So, she made me a better dater, because I really did the opposite of all those things she suggested. That's something that really hurts me. Two nights ago I cried at the bar, and pleaded with my friend and told him, "please man, please tell me it's not true. Please tell me I'm not a ****ty friend, who doesn't listen and only talk about himself?" She made me believe these things about myself. That really hurts. And that makes me not want to contact her either.

 

The thing is, I wish I could see it from her point of view. She's hurt. She definitely has had to deal with me and my emotional episodes. She doesn't wanna be alone, but she doesn't wanna be with me. And, I instigated that. She never said she didn't wanna be with me, in fact, when she's happy she says she wants to work things out. I was so upset about a fight we had, I feel like I convinced her she didn't love me. I did the same thing I did to make my high school sweetheart lose her love for me. I said "I was always scared to say this, because I thought it would resonate with you - you don't love me". She ended up saying "you're right". It was like a knife to the heart. Anyways.

 

So after the text last night, I texted back saying "Why what's up? I can talk. But, I'm with friends tonight."

 

And that's it. She never wrote back.

 

I ****ed up. I went on facebook. Before deactivating my account (which I like to keep it like that), I went to look at her facebook. But decision. I saw that she is going out to an art show tonight. I even have the address. I immediately felt like calling her. I still do. At the time I felt like texting/calling/emailing to somehow get a way to go with her. The ****ed up thing, is that I work tonight. How the hell would I be able to go with her? I'm sure I'm just afraid she meet some other dude. Dammit. Writing all this make me want a cigarette. I'm fighting it though. Dammit even typing on my computer reminds me of her. She's a writer. Two nights ago I was at her place, massaging her hands because they hurt from all the typing. I even massaged her feet. She didn't want a kiss goodnight, she didn't even wanna cuddle and put a pillow between us. Dammit why am I reliving this? Anyways, we almost cuddled in the morning, but instead we fought... that was where my first post started.

 

Anyways. My heart is broken. Thank you guys for listening and responding. I'm gonna stay on her for a while, and also I hope I can get to the place where I can start to help people too. This is the third time in my life where I cried so much for a girl. Why does this happen to me?

 

I have to stop drinking again. I was in bed all morning. I'm still a little out of it. I can't make it a habit, but it was a nice way to forget about her for a while. Jenny went home and I went out to a nightclub with friends. I ended up snapchatting my ex- with a video of everyone dancing and said - we should go here sometime. Dammit. At least I didn't do anything to make her jealous. Well, I guess it indirectly was.

 

Well, I'm definitely going to start going back to the gym. In about an hour, I'm gonna get up and work-out. ****ed up thing is - we go to the same gym. This isn't the first time we broke up. Dammit I'm about to start crying. When we first broke up, we didn't talk for two weeks. She asked, once we started seeing each other again, have you been going to the gym? I said yes, I make sure to go while you're at work, and she said - thank you for respecting my space. Dammit I miss her. I'm so sad, I'm so lonely. I just want someone pretty to lay with. I want time to fast forward. I want more money, I want to buy nice things, I want to go on a vacation, I want to volunteer and help the homeless.

 

So, I went on her facebook and also saw a link to an article about some news in her home state. Unfortunately, I'm going to read it. Because I missed her sending me articles to read. I'm so sad. I called Suicide Hotline. They were a lot of help. I'll call again, if I start to breakdown. I don't think I'd kill myself. But to be honest, the only way I'd feel like I wanted to hurt myself, is if I see her, and she tells me to leave her alone. It isn't about letting her go. I let her go to work, I let her go out with friends. It's about her being mad at me, and then me having to let her go, because I feel like I'll never see her again. Actually our entire relationship was like that. She would want to fight all the time, and walk away super mad, and that would drive me nuts. Now, because we're not together, it seems like she's always walking away mad. Anyways. That's all I got.

[jalapeno86]

Oh yeah, and I feel like I came to some realizations. That, even if she does meet a guy out here, maybe I should just keep no-contact. She could always come back. I mean, I have to be honest, there aren't a lot of cool guys out here. Guys are really ugly. I'm lucky because even though I'm still in school and almost 30, I look really young. She always loved me for my looks. Anyways. On top of that. I went back to school - for her. I was a waiter, until I met her, now I'm on my way to nursing school. So, I don't know if she could meet a guy that would do so much for her to have her live the life she always wanted. Maybe she does hook up with someone, but before I met her she was single for 2 years. She liked being a lone, and it seems any guys that she met weren't serious about her. She can be a pain in the ass, she drinks a lot, and like I mentioned she likes to tell people what to do. But, she's not worse girlfriend I've had. I don't know. I'm starting to think that they are all going to have a similar issue, and I'm with each relationship I just learn to handle it better - but, it's like a weird disconnect where I can't have that complimentary behavior with her. Only a new girl. I don't know. But yeah, I think I'm just gonna have to let her go, and hope she comes back down the line. I just have to work on my body, and keep going to school.

[lumberjac]

keep up your attitude in the last post and you'll feel so much better soon.

my gf broke up with me not long ago so Im sort of in the same boat as you. I'm trying to stay positive, look at things on the bright side. its not easy, but its true that time heals everything. And like you I too want to see me and her get back together one day.

[Ruby65]

Wow, so.... your first day of "no contact" was actually spent constantly emailing your ex with links and messages and then stalking her on Facebook?

 

Err..... sounds great?

 

Look. Nobody's going to put you in jail for not doing anything REMOTELY like No Contact.

 

Your ex has broken up with you.... she doesn't want to be with you.... and if your way of coping is to continue this teenage back and forth between you, then go right ahead!

 

It's really about you and your own healing. If you're not ready to cut off contact, then don't.

 

But don't expect (a) to be more healed or (b) to be closer to reconciliation by continuing to pursue her.

 

And also -- on behalf of all the "Jennys" of the world? Why don't you back the *blank* off and spend a week or two on your own before bringing any innocent women who might actually -- unlike your ex -- WANT to be with you into this ugly juvenile mess of a breakup!

 

Just my thoughts. Worst NC ever.

[jalapeno86]

I just thought I'd update everyone.

 

We got back together. It was good, sometimes. Huge fight last night. I just can't take it. I'm too exhausted to even write this.

 

We went out for a movie, argued about my driving, she sent me home, when I usually stay at her place. My roommates are dicks so I stayed out and drank till I came home and slept.

 

Woke up to her text saying she wants space. I went off on her. I told her she needs stop putting me down. How she's horrible and how I hate her. I cried. I cried to my doctor on the phone while scheduling an appointment.

 

I don't wanna drink again. I don't want cigarettes. I'm gonna have to work all weekend, she's off. I won't see her. I told her "do whatever you want I don't care" I almost thought to move back home to Miami.

 

My head hurts. I do hate her sometimes. Why can't I just leave her?

 

She's my only friend here it seems. But, maybe I should realize she's not my friend either.

[Miss Sisyphus]

My advice to you is to take it one day at a time--an hour at a time if that's all you can manage. Don't think about the future. Don't allow yourself to panic about what will or will not be. You can't control her reactions--you can only control your own.

 

Cease all communication with her. Stop being her puppet. If you appear weak and always available to her, she will lose respect for you. It's true. Women like a challenge, too. If you don't think you're worthwhile, she won't either.

[Ruby65]

I just thought I'd update everyone.

 

We got back together. It was good, sometimes. Huge fight last night. I just can't take it. I'm too exhausted to even write this.

 

We went out for a movie, argued about my driving, she sent me home, when I usually stay at her place. My roommates are dicks so I stayed out and drank till I came home and slept.

 

Woke up to her text saying she wants space. I went off on her. I told her she needs stop putting me down. How she's horrible and how I hate her. I cried. I cried to my doctor on the phone while scheduling an appointment.

 

I don't wanna drink again. I don't want cigarettes. I'm gonna have to work all weekend, she's off. I won't see her. I told her "do whatever you want I don't care" I almost thought to move back home to Miami.

 

My head hurts. I do hate her sometimes. Why can't I just leave her?

 

She's my only friend here it seems. But, maybe I should realize she's not my friend either.

 

 

You "can't" leave her....

 

... because you don't want to.

 

Obviously, you're getting something out of all this pain and drama.

 

But if you ever decide you want to stop this and heal, the answer is simple: go No Contact.

 

Good luck to you.

[Cinnamonstix]

First off, I'm sorry you're hurting. I know you're in a low place and have been for a while it seems.

 

Here is the problem: you've made having an SO your entire life and source of all of your happiness. That is why all of this takes such a toll on you. Your gf knows this, and that is why she has lost respect for you. That is why you have lost respect for you.

 

It was honestly painful to read your posts, as you keep prolonging your own misery and not listening to all of the great advice being offered to you. I know sometimes people really have to hit rock bottom before they have enough and change their life. Right now you are just coping with life, rather than living it.

[jalapeno86]

Yeah. I totally hear you guys. You're all right. Things only got worse since then. She hasn't wanted to see me. I did something stupid. I'll spare you all the details. But, I showed up at her place unannounced. She didn't have to say much. I know she doesn't want to ever see me again.

 

So, this is the decision I'm left to deal with. I can't handle this break up. I can't keep myself from driving by her house. I seriously hate her. Things will never be good with her.

 

So, I decided to leave town. I'm going to finish this next week at work. But, I'm going to drive back home. I live in Denver, I'll be driving back to Miami.

 

I don't have much here tying me down. I'm lucky, all my classes are online. And, my job would take me back if I came back.

 

I guess I'm just a little scared. I know it's rash. And it doesn't seem like a great idea. But, I just can't do this anymore. I live too close to her. I know for sure, that if I'm away for long enough, then there is no chance me and her will get back together.

 

Of course, I'd take her back in an instant. I want things to work out. But, if I stay here I'm gonna keep wasting my time, stalking her, trying to get back with her. It's horrible.

 

Anyone have experience with this?

 

I guess I'm just a little scared, but it's going to be good, it's going to send a huge message to her. That she ruined my life.

[jalapeno86]

I'm going to post in the 'coping' section. I realized that this isn't a second chance situation anymore.