ex had a rough past, cleaned himself up except for one thing..

[emmylou]

Hi All ! I want to know if I am seeing this situation for what it really is or if my judgement is being clouded by my own insecurities and fear or imagined.. or there is a genuine threat here ? Please no judgement or rude comments, I have already made a decision but I just want some reassurance that I made it thoughtfully. Please excuse the length, grammar, punctuation and spelling .. Im just flowing from the heart through misty eyes

 

My bf and I have been in a relationship for the past 2.5yrs. We started dating while in our early twenties and are now in our mid twenties. He had a bit of a checkered past with past issues with the law but has since cleaned up his act and left that environment. He has since gotten a full ride scholarship to a top university in North America and is currently finishing up his bachelors. As as well am in the process of finishing up my bachelors and looking forward to a graduate program.

 

Due to his past issues with the law which resulted him being in and out of juvenile detention and a 6 month stint in jail, coupled with a near fatal stabbing assault that left him with some ugly scars and a badly healed collar bone, he accumulated a heavy hospital bill, bail bill and a criminal record. According to him however, as a part of a deal made with a judge, prior to him turning 18, if he were to enter into the military for a period of no less than 6 months his juvenile record would be expunged. So this is what he did and as far as I know a criminal record prior to the age of 18 does not exist. Now, anything between the ages of 18 and 20 (a year before he and I met) are not really accounted for and he says that he stayed out of trouble and had been taking college classes before heading to university. This is of course proven by transcripts and what not that I asked to see ! lol.

 

However, here is my problem. I found out through a series of snoops and questions (pulling teeth) that he has and or more recently used a false id. Im talking a passport, nexus card and drivers licence. At first I was mortified because all I could think of was how dangerous and risky it was for HIM and for ME as well. I also have a suspicion that he actually applied for jobs and school courses using this ID. His stupid *** actually enrolled in a course that I was taking and I saw his false name on the attendance sheet. Like wow ? There was also a time that we had gone out with friends and I couldnt drive home because I had a couple drinks. I passed out in the car and we were stopped at a road block. He did not have anything to drink so I was not worried, but he also did not know that I was awake when we were at the road block. This guy hands the fake ID to the officer while driving me home in MY CAR while I was drunk. I was like okay this is getting reckless, I asked him about the next day and he claimed that I didnt hear the officer correctly when he was talking to him. Go figure ! Anyway not to bore you with a long story.

 

I understand why and the reason behind his choosing to do this. Everyone has a past, some more checkered than others but the point is we all have things that we have risen from or are really working hard to rise from. I honestly wouldnt have a problem with all of this as long as he would have been upfront with me when I asked, and kept his past where it belonged - behind him. He felt that he couldnt talk to me about it because he was afraid that I would not want to be with him or that I would look at him differently but I think that is an excuse at the convenience of being caught doing something that he knows he shouldnt be. ESPECIALLY having had the history he has had. Especially since he doesnt have to do all of that because he has a FULL RIDE - an 80k scholarship okay !! I tried to soldier it out, even telling him like hey if you need help with paying for a lawyer to sort through some things to get your life back on track, Im here for you ! I believe we should all get a second chance at life so long as we cherish it and protect it. But as the saying goes, old habits die hard and I believe this to be true with behavior. Among other things that have happened in the relationship such as he lost his mom( fell to her death ), dad (died in a holding cell) and more recently his sister (murder) almost a year after the previous and around the same time of the year (october, october, december) he really has had a rough go at things. Ive seen him really really low and just having witnessed these things not personally dealing with them I cant imagine how my mental state would be or how I would view the world after its all said and done. To be also fair, I too have at times not been the best partner I could be to him, especially since he has been grieving almost non stop for the past 3 years, but I felt at some points he leaned into a little too much and I started to feel it alot more.

 

I became scared that our relationship was becoming codependent because of it ( he is not close to his extended family and is on the opposite of the country from what little family he has left - so essentially I am his only support system at the moment, including my family as well) and I drew back a little bit. We dont live together so I did that by not spending as much time with him and kind of limiting how much emotion I put in because I wasnt sure what kind of relationship we really have. Was it real love or was a means for emotional dependence for him and I?

 

He noticed that I began to draw back and began to resent me for that saying that I wasn't there like I should have been for him during that time. I can admit to acting out of fear instead of trying to support him fully as a friend first and foremost, I just was however scared of the emotional fall out if all of a sudden he were to one day feel like he didnt want to be with me anymore. I was also dealing with depression and other things at the time, that I was feeling weak to as well so once again I was not sure of the health of this relationship and so I then began to in some way fear for our future as a functioning, healthy couple.

 

SO it all has come to a head for me because Im currently at a time in my life where I am about to be going through some pretty stressful life changes, and I really need a partner who is stable and more grounded than I am, ( I dont fare to well in stressful situations ) Im feeling that my current partner is not fit for the role anymore. I know that I cannot place an expectation on him to be what I about to loose which is my support system of family, but at the same time I think that I can at least expect a partner who is focused on building a stable, healthy and fufiling life. I have suggested we go for counselling but money is an issue for us and its hard to stay committed to counselling when we are paying 110 bucks per session.

 

Im scared to depend on him more so than I do now because I feel like I would be making a HUGE mistake in doing so. Despite all the great things that have happened in between the bad. I have more than 7 times tried to break up with him over the past year because I have been feeling unsure and insecure about our future and what potential he has to be as a more serious partner (father, husband etc.) He has promised that before the end of this year he will have this situation with the id and outstanding debts resolved because he does not want to loose me, but I kind of dont want to give him that time at my expense anymore. I feel like he shouldve already tried on put a plan in motion to correct it before things dragged on to where they are now.

 

I have my family to lean onto as well but there are currently in the process of relocating to the other side of the world so there is alot of stress and what not going on with them and me as well.

 

As of today, we are broken up. It was another rough episode of tears and begging not for it to go down like this. But honestly somewhere deep inside I feel like we would be better off concentrating on ourselves and improving our flaws before we could ever get to a place where we could function properly as a couple. I also feel like it would be easier to do so because I just do not know what lies ahead for us especially if I see what he is doing with the ID and things like that. My mind and heart switch between me making a mistake of letting someone go that I truly care about and see a potential for greatness, despite flaws with I have to look out for my well being and safety first and foremost and no matter how much I care I have to protect me.

 

I know that some of this may sound crude or heartless but I guess what Im looking for is am I thinking through this the right way ? or are there somethings that I need to consider before either continuing to move forward without him or trying to make our relationship work ?

[badpenny]

Nope.

 

you made the right decision.

 

And much as it may hurt, I think it's the best one.

 

What is good for us, does not always feel good at the time.

[Arieswoman]

emmylou,

I am not sure about the law in USA but in UK this,

 

However, here is my problem. I found out through a series of snoops and questions (pulling teeth) that he has and or more recently used a false id. Im talking a passport, nexus card and drivers licence.

 

is a very serious matter and could result in jail term with you being charged as an accessory - it's called "perverting the course of Justice" in UK or "aiding and abetting a criminal".

 

I would strongly urge you to stop any further association now before you get dragged into the mire of his making.

 

I'm sorry, but you can't fix this and need to move on with your life.

 

Good luck x

[d0nnivain]

I agree with you that everybody is entitled to a 2nd chance & except for the identification issue, he seems to making good use of his. Problem is society doesn't always give people that 2nd chance. With a record he could be closed out of things including travel. His solution was to lie & get fake ID. Creative & somewhat understandable but the reality is he's making things worse. In this day & age the 1st thing law enforcement is going to think when they encounter a fake ID is terrorism.

 

 

I could not go through life waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering when they were going to find out. Heck even if you got married, what name would he use? What would the kids know?

[emmylou]

@d0nnivain

 

Thank you for response. Im glad to see that Im not the only one who thinks along the same lines.

 

I believe in second chances and despite a very risky choice he is wanting to make better of the cards he was dealt or how he played them.

 

I cant in my heart and mind be okay with the same decision. I don't know what I would do if something happens, especially if we were to have kids. My thought would be to instantly protect them and me by any means necessary regardless of love or feeling.

[emmylou]

Yes ! my thoughts as well. @arieswoman

 

Thats where my fear and resentment comes from when I would snap at him for no obvious reason, its just below all of it I feel that it would not be fair and it is not fair to expose me to that.

[darkbloom]

Good for you. I think that he needs to be able to stand on his own two feet and get his life figured out before you two continue a relationship. You sound like you're making the right decision for your happiness.

 

Hiding anything is a huge red flag, checkered past or not. The best way out is always through. He's going to have to accept his past and what comes attached with his real name.