Should I move on?

[Westside95]

Hi everyone, first of all I want to apologise in case I make any English mistakes, it's not my first language. Some facts before we go into details: I'm 20 (m), she's 19 (f) and we had a 10 months relationship.

That being said, I'll describe my situation chronically.

 

For this we have to go back to HER youth where she was a speedskater at international level (at age 11-14). This was her life, her passion and that's what she identified herself as: a professional speedskater. One day she was hit by a bus and she couldn't skate again and she developed an anorexic disorder because then she felt she had something to be good at again (not eating), which she now knows is a f*cked up thought, but she told me when you're anorexic you're not thinking straight. After years of therapy she finally overwon her disorder in the fall of 2013 (when she was 18), she moved out of the city (let's call it A-town) to start college in a city 100km away (let's call that B-town).

 

Now with this introduction in mind, we fastforward a few months to march 2014 when we first met and started dating. I now live in A-town where I go to university and we saw each other in the weekends where she would come home to her parents. We had this amazing connection and after a two months we made it official. She didn't told me about her past until june and I was shocked to hear it but glad she trusted me enough to share this with. Months went by and we were happy and eventually the puppy love phase wore off and we had a few little arguments (mainly about her doing partydrugs which I didn't really like and some minor trust issues from my side) but we worked it out and managed. Our relationship was steady (for how I experienced it) until the end of january this year where I felt she was suddenly distant and I felt something was wrong.

 

A week later it all came out during an argument what was really bothering her. She felt that the relationship confined her in what she wants to do. She told me she didn't feel she had time for herself because she wants to do so much at the same time, she has her college, work, sports and own social life in B-town from monday-friday. Then she felt that she needs to come to A-town to see me. I've been to B-town a few times in the weekends but I always thought she also came to A-town for her parents, dogs and friends in this city. I always make time so we can see each other in weekends and she feels she can't always come true to my expectations and feels this is unfair for me. Also because of her anorexia tying her down in the past, she now feels that she can't really live life fully with the relationship tying her down. She feels like she hasn't explored life herself. It's not about other guys (which was my initial thought) but more the fact that she always has to consider me in every decision (where she goes in the weekends, where to spend money on etc). Imo she could still explore life with me by her side but she disagreed about this. Besides this there was a bigger problem, which is that she has a lot of issues with her self. She's not sure about who she is, what she wants etc. She told me that she can't let me love her if she doesn't love herself and all that.. I suggested that we had a (no contact) break for a week and see what she felt like then.

 

After that week of no contact she told me she felt her head was a bit clearer and that she can't continue the relationship. We talked for hours and she said she still wanted me in her life but I told her I can't do that with all the feelings I still have for her. She then asked me if I wanted to e-mail about our feelings and we did this for two days but I ended this as well because I told her it's making me lose my sanity and if this is what she truly wants that I need to avoid all contact to move on.. Interesting side note her is that in those e-mails she mentioned that she felt I was the perfect partner for her and she feels like I'm her soulmate but I just came too early in her life and that maybe one day we would work again.

 

So going to the present, that break-up was 12 days go and I feel confused and in doubt. Ofcourse I want to respect her wish and give her the time/space she needs. I miss her like hell but I realise that forcing things now won't work for either of us. I'm also trying to work on myself and become happy again without her.

 

But the problem is that we broke up on good terms, we still love each other and care a lot about each other and we're not angry at each other what so ever, so accepting this feels impossible right now. I know she still cares because she asked my mum how I am dealing with it and sometimes sends me snapchats. I'm in doubt whether I should keep hope and contact her again in a few weeks (maybe wait until her birthday in April and then just ask her how her life is etc.) or really should rule out any possibilites to get back together so I could truly move on.. Also, since I know she is very indecisive and not knowing what she wants I feel that this can work out eventually when she has sorted everything out for herself but I don't think it's healthy for me to clinge on to that hope.

 

There is one thing I should add here and that is that we have different future plans for where we want to live. I don't really care where that is, as long it's relatively close to where I grew up so I can see my friends and family. We sometimes talked about the future and she told me she loves the city I grew up and could picture herself living there for a few years, but her ultimate dream is to live in Berlin (which is about 500km away from A-town). She told me she would like to study a year abroad there and if she likes it there as much as she expects now, wants to stay there.. Now with her indecisiveness I'm not sure she will think about this the same way in a year from now, she shifts from interests rather quickly and this is about the only thing she seems sure she wants. For myself I don't know if I want to live in Berlin or not, I like the city a lot and we've spend a week there on vacation which was great, but for now I can't really picture myself living there.

 

So yeah thats basically it. Some of my friends who know her say that we are a really good couple together and they believe that we will work again and advise me to just focus on myself right now and let her figure it out for a few months. While others advise me to completely let her go so the healing process can start now already and not after a few months in case she decides that she needs more time then.

 

I'm curious about what you think about my situation, if you need anymore info feel free to ask. Thanks in advance.

TL;DR My (now ex)girlfriend has issues with herself and I don't know how to move on/what to do now.

Edited March 1, 2015 by Westside95

[Ruby65]

Hi, I'm really sorry for what you're going through. Believe me, I know how much it hurts.

 

I chose to respond to your post because I've been in the similar spot as your ex, and maybe can shed some light on what she's experiencing right now.

 

She tells you she wants to explore and experience being a single person -- and this is likely true. I don't think it has anything to do with her (very sad) past history involving anorexia, though. This is just something many people (including myself) go through around her age.

 

She tells you she wants to be just alone and free -- part of this is true. Of course she intends to date other guys, that's a big reason for breaking up.

 

If you can try to walk away from this relationship now and not stay in contact with her during the coming months, there's a small chance she might realize life really isn't all roses and sunbeams without you. She might actually decide she wants to be with you after all. That's what happened to me, anyway, I got back with my then-ex and we were married shortly afterwards. Not to give you false hope, just to say that SOMETIMES, rarely, people do reconsider.

 

The important thing for you, however, is to act as if this isn't going to happen. Hard as it is, it's in your best interest to cut contact and focus on YOU and making YOUR life as good as it can possibly be without her in it.

 

Unless and until she contacts you to ask for another chance, it's best for you to proceed as if that's never going to happen.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Best to you. Your English is excellent! Keep posting and keep moving forward, a day at a time.

[Westside95]

Thank you for your quick reply. It's hard to accept that she doesn't see it working right now and especially that she wants to explore her dating opportunities.

I think you're right and that I should proceed as if it's never going to happen and already start to accept that.

 

Thank you for the guide, I've briefly looked through it and it looks like it could help me out a lot. I do have one last question, giving this situation, what do you think I should do with her birthday (which is in 6 weeks)?

I don't hate her or anything and just want to wish her happy birthday in a text/card saying something like "Hey, happy birthday. Hope you're doing good. Take care."

(deep inside I also feel like I want to do this so she thinks about me again and also to show her that I still care, instead of just being nice and friendly).

 

Do you think it's wise to do this or should I not wish her happy birthday at all as it breaks the (essence of the) no-contact rule.

[Ruby65]

No Contact means No Contact..... even on birthdays and holidays.

 

Even if you won the lottery... or got fired.... or got married.

 

Disappear from her world and focus on YOUR world. If she ever changes her mind, she'll let you know.

[CrystalShine2011]

I would keep to the no contact even though it's a challenge...

 

Keep your head up, it will get better.

[Westside95]

Hey everybody.

 

Something interesting has happened today, she sent me a message on facebook asking me how I am and she told me she doesn't really know if she feels better this way. We had a brief talk after which I mentioned that I liked to talk to her again but if she's not ready for commitment that I respect that but that I want her to respect my wish for no contact because otherwise I can't move on (I definitely can't be friends while still having feelings).

 

She said she completely understands this but still asked if she's allowed to occasionally ask how I'm doing and we can have a little talk like this. I told her I'd think about it because I really don't know right now. I want to see if my mood and thoughts in the next few days are heavily affected by this talk or not before I make this decision.

 

I'm wondering what your perspective is on this development.. I want to be into a relationship with her again, but only if she's fixed her own issues and not just because she misses me (because clearly she still cares) because I'm afraid then this will happen again in the future.

 

On the one hand I feel like I'm being really hard on her if I tell her not to contact me at all, but I think it's better for my own processing now as well as hers because she then can have more time to fix her own issues etc. But then again maybe she will eventually get over me if I forbid her to contact me occasionally? Ugh, please someone share your thoughts about this

[Ruby65]

So.... you didn't block her everywhere, so she's able to contact you anytime she likes.

 

AND she's asked if she can continue to check in and keep you around as a safety net while she gradually adjusts to being single.... and you've replied you're not sure?

 

Dude: BLOCK HER on Facebook. Block her on every site and app you use. Change your cell number so she can't call and text you.

 

Then, go read through the No Contact Guide posted on this website so you can understand why and how this will help you heal.

 

Then read through this guide, which will help you as well: http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com

 

Block, delete, ignore! IF she ever changes her mind and wants to reconcile.... she'll let you know. Right now, all she wants is to keep you around as her emotional tampon while she moves on to someone else.

[quattrob]

So you think this is an interesting development? This is a really common thing that happens, ex comes to check to see how you're doing because she misses you.. Of course exes will miss you, you were together romantically so what would you expect? This isnt something to go all excited about.

 

My ex did the same thing, asking me if she can send me messages and see how i was, telling how she misses me. I told her we shouldnt talk anymore and to forget about me. It is pointless to let her do that to you. She thinks that she cares about you maybe she does but in reality she's being selfish and using you to make her feel better about her guilt hurting you.

 

Dont fall for this bs, it doesnt win her back, you will just lose her down the road for sure and you're gonna be in bigger hurt and disappointment.