as to why marriage has ended twice out of the blue...

[LucyCJ]

Last year my husband walked out on our marriage. Only explanation he gave was that he didn't love me anymore. His behaviour was extremely cold (opposite to what it normally was) and he refused to speak to his family. I had no money and had to get myself back on my feet. I was doing lots of positive things for myself but still was so down about why he did this to me. 2.5 months later he returned advising that he had been suffering from depression albeit he refused medication from the doctor and wanted to go down the route of counselling and the gym. He seemed freed up in himself, like his old self again and begged me for a second chance. We moved home and had a fresh start following on from counselling. He has always had jealousy issues which seemed to have been addressed and those issues seemed to go. 3 months down the line things were going good and he told me how happy he was. That was until he randomly stopped speaking to me for days on end and a week later said it wasn't working out and we were over. He was behaving like he hated me. I have now lost my home, I've had to move in with friends as where we were living was outside of my budget and plus I would have been surrounded by his friends and family. I've literally had my life pulled away from me and have had no control whatsoever over this. I'm so sad because of my loss, I miss him. I'm sad that he came back and we had the most amazing few months only for him to pull it away from me again. We have had no contact and I'm trying to do that to work on myself. I just want him back but there'd always be that fear that he may do this again. I'm so afraid of being on my own and I miss my home.

 

I just don't get how his behaviour has been so cold. Like he got in a rage, switched off, gave me the silent treatment for days on end, refused to communicate and then said it was over. His behaviour with everyone else had been fine and he has been able to get up, go to work and gym etc. I've been blaming myself because I got angry with him when he wouldn't speak to me. I think I was just reacting to him being normal with everyone else and so cruel to me. This is why I question the story he told about having depression. I just wonder will he ever come back to me when this fog lifts or if he has another agenda. I feel so stupid for missing him. He didn't give me a second thought when he took my life in his hands and tried to play God.

[StalwartMind]

Whatever troubles him, be it depression coupled with other issues, he needs to get them sorted somehow. Professional help is there but if he refuse medicine then he might be reluctant to even attempt that. As awful as it may sound you can't depend on anyone beside yourself, which is why you need to take care of yourself. In an ideal world/relationship you should be able to trust your spouse/partner, but even then it's always a good idea to protect yourself against whatever events might happen.

 

Do not feel stupid for missing him, no matter what kind of awful scenario people find themselves in, that doesn't change the fact that you've had some amazing experiences too. Life has it with taking away things we love or enjoy and while no one enjoy that feeling it's important that we accept it.

 

No one can say what the future holds and with that in mind you should get yourself into a position where you once again find stability. There is no knowing if your husband can or can't overcome his struggles, so you'll need to take things as they come. It's always good to be cautious so you don't set yourself up for disappointment. With that try to keep an optimistic and positive mindset as the opposite rarely benefits any situation.

[No Limit]

How often or long is he out of the house? Marriages with 3rd parties involved tend to be hot and cold.

[Ruby65]

How often or long is he out of the house? Marriages with 3rd parties involved tend to be hot and cold.

 

Agreed. That was my thought as well -- that he sees other women, goes silent to hide it from you, then re-appears if/when it doesn't work out with them.

[LucyCJ]

I honestly can't say if there was someone on the back burner during the time he came back to me (a plan b). What I do know is that he's so needy that he has to have constant reassurance. At this point I dunno and would probably only hurt myself by thinking there is someone else. My head is fried wondering if he will ever come back to me, if he does will I ever really get the answers. He blew cold at me because he embarrassed himself in front of my family even though they were incredibly gracious with him despite what he did before. My guess is that he let it blow up in his head for days and when I reacted to him he wanted to run. Whether there's someone else on the back burner I can't say.

[LucyCJ]

I honestly can't say if there was someone on the back burner during the time he came back to me (a plan b). What I do know is that he's so needy that he has to have constant reassurance. At this point I dunno and would probably only hurt myself by thinking there is someone else. My head is fried wondering if he will ever come back to me, if he does will I ever really get the answers. He blew cold at me because he embarrassed himself in front of my family even though they were incredibly gracious with him despite what he did before. My guess is that he let it blow up in his head for days and when I reacted to him he wanted to run. Whether there's someone else on the back burner I can't say.

 

Also, what makes me uncertain about an affair is because any time I mentioned marriage/separation it was like he didn't even get that we were married. My friend heard a telephone call where I mentioned to him about marriage certificate and she couldn't believe how detached he was. When I was leaving to move out it was like looking at a child in an adults body, there was just nothing there. So weird how someone can detach and blacken you so quickly after being the happiest person in the world days beforehand!

[Downtown]

3 months down the line things were going good and he told me how happy he was.... a week later said it wasn't working out and we were over. He was behaving like he hated me.

Lucy, perhaps your H has simply fallen out of love and is involved in an affair, as other respondents have suggested. Another possibility, however, is that you are witnessing "black-white thinking," which occurs when a person is too immature to tolerate experiencing strong mixed feelings. That is, they cannot tolerate the ambiguities, uncertainties, and other grey areas that are characteristic of adult interpersonal relationships.

 

It therefore is common for such people to flip rapidly between adoring a partner and devaluing -- even hating -- that partner. The result is that, while such a person is hating or devaluing you, he will be totally out of touch (at a conscious level) with his loving feelings toward you.

 

Yet, if your H really is doing B-W thinking, you also should be seeing most of the other behavioral traits that typically accompany it. I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of 18 Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with.

 

Moreover, if most of those red flags are present, I also would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Of course, you cannot diagnose your H's issues. Only a professional can do that. You nonetheless are capable of spotting the warning signs for many issues because there is nothing subtle about these red flags and hundreds of mental health centers list them on their websites to help educate the lay public. Take care, Lucy.

[LucyCJ]

Downtown, it's funny you mention the whole BPD thing, that's came up many times for me during this whole thing. And yes, he ticks ALL of those boxes in your list!! There was no rationalisation with him at all and he informed me that he made his decision in a short space of time (despite saying a few weeks previous that he wanted to try for a baby)! I know we can't diagnose others but I suppose those indicators help me to understand that it wouldn't have mattered what I did, he still would have treated me the same at some point, whether it was now or a year down the line. In that respect I suppose I'm glad it happened again only after a few months of us being back together rather than a year or so with a baby in tow!

 

One question though, do these type of people split you black permanently or do they often come back? I have had no contact with him in four weeks, last time he left it 2.5 months before contact was made and I suspect if he does come back it'll just be that bit longer.

[Downtown]

Downtown, it's funny you mention the whole BPD thing, that's came up many times for me during this whole thing. And yes, he ticks ALL of those boxes in your list!!

The red flags that stood out in your initial post include the irrational jealousy, neediness, the cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back, and the rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you). Moreover, I share your skepticism of the depression story given that he only behaved that way around you, not around anyone else. That said, if he really does have strong BPD traits, depression is not ruled out because three-fourths of BPDers have a co-occurring mood disorder and a third of BPDers have major depressive disorder.

 

I just don't get how his behaviour has been so cold. Like he got in a rage, switched off, gave me the silent treatment for days on end, refused to communicate and then said it was over.

My experience is that, while BPDers are splitting you black, they typically use a combination of raging and sulking and icy withdrawal -- the same primitive ego defenses you see in young children when they're very angry. Yet, because BPDers generally lack impulse control and have enormous anger inside, the vast majority of them go light on the sulking/withdrawal and tend to be heavy on the raging and verbal abuse.

 

I mention this because, if your H is a BPDer and if he is heavy on the silent treatment, you should know that this behavior is unusual but not rare. There is a small share of BPDers who, while they are splitting you black, rely heavily on the sulking and icy withdrawals as a way of punishing you -- and they go very light, if at all, on the verbal abuse. A.J. Mahari refers to them as Quiet Borderlines and Shari Schreiber calls them WAIF Borderlines.

 

Do these type of people split you black permanently or do they often come back?

You can never know for sure. Because BPDers are emotionally unstable, anything can happen. Generally, however, BPDers typically go through at least several full breakup/makeup cycles before eventually walking away for good. A recent poll at BPDfamily, for example, found that 75% of BPDer relationships go through three complete breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending for good. Moreover, nearly 40% of BPDer relationships go through at least six breakup/makeup cycles and 21% experience ten or more such cycles before ending permanently.

 

I know we can't diagnose others but I suppose those indicators help me to understand that it wouldn't have mattered what I did, he still would have treated me the same at some point.

I agree, Lucy. If your H is an untreated BPDer, you both are in a lose/lose situation. And, as you suspect, there is a world of difference between diagnosing your H's issues and simply spotting warning signs. For example, although most adult women know how to identify the warning signs for breast cancer, they don't have sufficient training to diagnose it. Likewise, most men know the warning signs for stroke and heart attack but don't have a clue as to how those disorders are diagnosed. Similarly, most adults are capable of spotting the warning signs for BPD if they take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list.

 

Before you graduated high school, you already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. You could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And you could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, you will be able to spot strong BPD traits when they occur if you take a little time to learn what traits are on the list.

 

Importantly, spotting BPD traits does not imply a person "has BPD." Indeed, BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that one "has" or "doesn't have." Rather, it is simply a group of basic human behaviors that everyone has to some degree. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder." These traits do not become a problem until they are so strong and persistent that they undermine the person's ability to sustain close LTRs. At issue, then, is not whether your H is exhibiting BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he is exhibiting them at a strong and persistent level (i.e., whether he is on the upper half of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot know the answer to that question. I nonetheless believe that you are capable of spotting any strong BPD traits that are occurring. There is nothing subtle about traits such as temper tantrums, always being "The Victim," and irrational jealousy.

[LucyCJ]

Many thanks for the insightful posts Downtown. Guess it's time to batton down the hatches and safeguard myself now. My health has really suffered from all of this and my body is just aching, think it's probably the stress so time to look after number 1 from now on. I'm hoping he doesn't come back at least until I'm well enough in myself again and strong enough to tell him I want nothing more to do with him.