I don't know what she's thinking

[Twigyy]

Me and My ex gf broke up a month ago, after a year and 4 months, and we were friends for three weeks, and I know it was a bad choice from me. The main reason that she dumped me was because that I was too needy, and always jealous when she hangs out with other guy friends, and I've learnt that and changed. Last week she stopped texting or talking to me, and I think that she probably gotten herself into a new relationship.

 

So to get her attention and her attraction level back I decided to do no contact. ( We both study in the same school, same class, and now during project, she is sitting beside me, but she is retaining, but I dont know if I am, and the next week is probably the last time she will see me ) I ignored her when she talks to me, I avoided eye contacts or when she taps me. Later that night during first day of NC, she texted me saying " I guess getting ignored doesn't feel good huh " and I didnt reply to that text. Couple hours later she sent me a message on fb saying how she is sorry to hurt me, and hope I can move on, which I ignored too.

 

The next day she sent me couple short messages on whatsapp:

?

:\

Well I do hope whatever I've said might give you a closure

 

Then a while later she sent me a message on Facebook: " Hi? "

Then she called me through my phone, which I didn't decline or pick up.

 

Apparently she looks like she has a new boyfriend, which she didn't mention on any social network, and she told me that she isn't dating anyone, which I assume is a lie. He does look better than me, better in studies I guess, better in body build, able to cook, national team in archery, etc.

 

Edit: She didn't look like she grieved about our relationship after we broke up..

 

So my questions are:

 

Will she and her new bf work out even tho its a rebound, if it is a rebound?

Will she ever reach out again?

Should I do no contact until she asks to get together again?

What if she is afraid to come back after sleeping with someone else already?

Edited February 28, 2015 by Twigyy

[Cedar27]

Will she and her new bf work out even tho its a rebound, it if is a rebound?

Who knows, but it's unlikely. Rebounds are typically characterized by a brief honeymoon period and then a realization that things won't work. I doubt the rebound guy will last long

 

Will she ever reach out again?

Who knows. Possibly. Keep the position that unless you guys are going to work on things it is in your best interest to stay away for your own emotional health.

 

Should I do no contact until she asks to get together again?

Unless she expresses any interest in reconciling, yes that's what I would do. Don't drag yourself through more hell than what is required.

 

What if she is afraid to come back after sleeping with someone else already?

You can express to her one last time that all is forgiven during the break up period if that is how you truly feel. That you will start over with a clean slate and whatever happened during the break up period will be a non issue. I doubt she would view this though as a hindrance to reconciling though. Then again I don't know her personally.

 

Ask yourself for a second, were you too needy? Or were you just being a normal person in a relationship. Platonic friendships are tricky….is it possible you saw her reaching out to other men in an inappropriate way and you stepped in? I'm not saying platonic friends of the opposite sex have to be an absolute no-no in committed relationships. This is the 21st century after all. That being said, I think in a long term relationship, appropriate boundaries with the opposite sex must be respected. If she was doing things with her guy friends that crossed a line, I don't think you should blame yourself for trying to express your dissatisfaction.

 

My suggestion would be to contact her once more, tell her you want to work on things. Own up to anything you felt you did that contributed to the break up, but also tell her what you need from her side. Say you will be using this time to grow into a better man, and unless she is willing to commit the same amount of energy to the relationship (or at least starting over again slowly), you will be out of her life for the foreseeable future.

Edited February 28, 2015 by Cedar27

[Twigyy]

Hey, thanks for the information.

 

1) So the plan now is to continue my no contact until she says that she wants to be with me again?

2)Or should I reach out after a period of time if she didn't fully reach out for a relationship?

 

Edit: I've re read your reply and yeah I should continue my no contact.

[Cedar27]

Hey, thanks for the information.

 

So the plan now is to continue my no contact until she says that she wants to be with me again? Or should I reach out after a period of time if she didn't fully reach out for a relationship?

 

You are over thinking things.

 

If you would like to make one last go of it, you can do that. You can say your peace and your goodbyes if she isn't interested. However from the sound of what you have said already, it seems like she is moving on at least for the time being.

 

In any case, go NC immediately. OR, reach out one last time with a well thought out message and leave it at that. Please don't keep bugging her or asking for forgiveness. Own up to what you did wrong ONCE, ask for a second chance ONCE, and leave it at that.

 

Maybe months and months down the road when you are really over her and don't give a damn what she says you could reach out…but I wouldn't think about reaching out again after NC for a while….and when I say a while I mean A WHILE.

Edited February 28, 2015 by Cedar27

[Twigyy]

I guess I'll continue my no contact until she really reaches out..

 

P.S. She just whatsapped me: " I hope you don't cry anymore. "

 

Edit: I just remembered that yesterday she made two posts on Facebook and removed them after awhile, which I saw:

 

Who do I love?

It suddenly hurts.. I don't want to lose you, but its too late..

Edited February 28, 2015 by Twigyy

[Cedar27]

I guess I'll continue my no contact until she really reaches out..

 

P.S. She just whatsapped me: " I hope you don't cry anymore. "

 

I must be getting old because I don't even know what "whastapped" is. lol

 

She sounds like she is feeling guilty. I really wouldn't respond to any of that crap. If you have clearly explained to her what you've done wrong, what you would like (reconciliation), and what you are going to do during this break up period to be a better man, you've done all you can at this point.

 

Unless she is reaching out to you with some sort of intention of getting back together, or she wants to meet up, etc. I would just ignore her. Take some of your power back. If you didn't cheat, abuse her, or throw acid in her face than the worst you did was maybe be a boring or neurotic boyfriend who learned a thing or two. She'll find a lot more jerks out in the world. So sit back and let nature do its magic and she might come back. Don't convince her of this though, the universe will do that job for you. In the meantime get a life again and don't feel bad if there's a long grieving process. It's normal and we are here for you when you need us.

Edited February 28, 2015 by Cedar27

[Twigyy]

Yeah, I did told her that I would become a better man, understand her better, etc days before I started my no contact yesterday. But yeah, after reading what you've said it made me feel more confident and better in this situation. You're the best.

[Cedar27]

Yeah, I did told her that I would become a better man, understand her better, etc days before I started my no contact yesterday. But yeah, after reading what you've said it made me feel more confident and better in this situation. You're the best.

 

You got a plan then. Love her from a distance if you have to during this time. Respect her decision to be alone, and she will in turn respect you as a man. If anything you do yourself a favor for walking away from an emotionally toxic situation and you put yourself in a stronger position for her to come back. Don't get your hopes up though, its possible she is gone forever. Act as if.

[Cedar27]

Who do I love?

It suddenly hurts.. I don't want to lose you, but its too late..

 

You edited your post after I responded and I didn't see the above quote. It's a bit confusing… but it might be a sign. Somethings still there in her. It might just be a fleeting thought and you and her never get back together, but hell….it's something. It's an insight into her mind. Don't hang onto it irrationally, but understand she's struggling through some things right now too. You aren't the only one thats hurting.

 

So be strong and recognize that you told her that you want to reconcile. She knows where you stand and will reach out if she's ready.

Edited February 28, 2015 by Cedar27

[Twigyy]

I will try my best. Will update if anything happens.

[Twigyy]

Day two of no contact 9:51pm

 

She texted me again: Sorry for the pain, and thank you for the memories. I hope you don't cry anymore.

[Twigyy]

Day three of no contact 12:01 Am

 

She texted me: " Can I ask for one last thing?", and she called me 13 times in a row..

[lumberjac]

haha I wonder what that "one last thing" is that she had to call you 13 times.

 

but keep NC man, youre doing good!

[Ruby65]

She texted me again: Sorry for the pain, and thank you for the memories. I hope you don't cry anymore.

 

Oh, brother -- what a drama queen!

 

She's trying to position you as her fallback guy. "Who do I love"... is she kidding -- ??

 

The beauty part is she's got you simmering on the backburner... as well as this new guy she probably had all lined up even before she ended things with you... while still trying to act like she's the one who's suffering!

 

Poor baby.

 

Girls like this will keep you on tenderhooks indefinitely... certainly until her new relationship is well established. Even then, if they hit a rough patch, you're likely to hear from her. She wants you right where she's got you: confused, hopeful, ready to step in.

 

She's not *struggling* with anything.... except for maybe which actress should play her in the movie version of her teenage melodrama!

 

"Can I just ask for one last thing...." oh please. What is she -- on her deathbed now?

[seekingpeaceinlove]

The only reason your ex is relentlessly contacting you with the dramatic comments is that your NC method is bruising her ego.

 

I guarantee that if you respond back at anytime for any reason she will grow cold.

 

She broke up with you and the only thing for you need to do now is to accept that the relationship is over and to move on. That means, focus on making YOU better. Your next relationship will be better than the last.

 

Don't look back. The break up is a blessing in disguise.

 

You'll see.

[quattrob]

TC, I can tell that you're struggling to let her go completely, you have this hope in you that she'll come back to you.

 

Yes you're doing a pretty good job not making any contact with her.. but sometimes I just wonder why people don't just block their ex's number, it's stops them from confusing you and making you feel like crap.

 

You obviously didn't do it because you still wanted to receive her texts and hear from her. You want to hear that she wants you back and that she's sorry from her. Seriously I don't know why you do this to yourself if you can't handle receiving these messages from her and if these messages makes you think about what's she's thinking, then you need to block her.

 

You need to stop thinking about what's her messages mean or what's she planning etc. It shouldn't matter to you, she has a bf and you have your own full life ahead of you, you don't want to waste anymore time caring or being around people who don't treat you right. Life is too short.

[NopeNah]

Oh, brother -- what a drama queen!

 

She's trying to position you as her fallback guy. "Who do I love"... is she kidding -- ??

 

The beauty part is she's got you simmering on the backburner... as well as this new guy she probably had all lined up even before she ended things with you... while still trying to act like she's the one who's suffering!

 

Poor baby.

 

Girls like this will keep you on tenderhooks indefinitely... certainly until her new relationship is well established. Even then, if they hit a rough patch, you're likely to hear from her. She wants you right where she's got you: confused, hopeful, ready to step in.

 

She's not *struggling* with anything.... except for maybe which actress should play her in the movie version of her teenage melodrama!

 

"Can I just ask for one last thing...." oh please. What is she -- on her deathbed now?

 

Exactly.."one more thing" and she doesn't even include that ONE thing in the question? Stay NC,man.

[Cedar27]

Maybe i'm in the minority here, but if she's frantically reaching out to you…and she's the dumper i'd answer the call. I don't think a lot of dumpers who are truly done and over you would do this. Unless they're psycho.

 

Some people want to reconcile but might not say it outright. I might be in the wrong here but i'd respond to her and let her know that you guys either have to work things out or you need to go NC, you can't be her friend she leans on, etc. Anything in the middle of that is just not going to happen for you right now.

 

Now if you have already told her this before after she's reached out that's one thing, but is this the first time she's really frantic about getting a hold of you…i'd respond and tell her clearly what I just said above.

 

That's just me. Some people would suggest waiting around until their ex clearly says the words you want to hear, but I think sometimes all it takes is an ex reaching out as a signal, which then starts the conversation which heads towards reconciliation talk. Just shutting an ex out completely because the didn't give you a crystal clear initial message (which many women won't do), might just leave them with the impression you don't even want to start the conversation.

 

Who knows, just throwing ideas out here. I feel like the power has shifted more back towards your side though, so if you are going to respond it has to be ONCE and it has to be clear. If she starts the whole "I don't want to be with you though I just want to be your friend", hang up at that point.

Edited March 1, 2015 by Cedar27

[Simon Phoenix]

I'd block the number. The whole "I have one more thing to tell you" without actually telling him reeks of drama. I don't think she's reaching out to reconcile at all -- it sounds like she wants forgiveness so she can move forward feeling good about the break.

 

And Cedar27, you'd be amazed at the stories on here of girls (and guys too, but not as much) doing this "psycho" stuff. It's more common than you think and more common than it should be.

[Cedar27]

I'd block the number. The whole "I have one more thing to tell you" without actually telling him reeks of drama. I don't think she's reaching out to reconcile at all -- it sounds like she wants forgiveness so she can move forward feeling good about the break.

 

And Cedar27, you'd be amazed at the stories on here of girls (and guys too, but not as much) doing this "psycho" stuff. It's more common than you think and more common than it should be.

 

You could be completely right, and yes I have read the stories of psycho ex's looking to relieve their guilt by keeping their ex's around. I guess I just like to give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

I also advised OP to respond just once more since she is the one reaching out, although it does sound a little fishy. I guess my thoughts are that it can't hurt to give her one last chance to say what she has to say. What's he got to lose? If it's clear her intentions are to only feel better about dumping him and it is clear she doesn't want to work on things, he needs to hang up at that point.

 

I strongly suspect that's how it would go down too, but it can't hurt to try one last time.

Edited March 1, 2015 by Cedar27

[Twigyy]

I just woke up and already read everyone's replies, and every help is appreciated. I know I shouldn't get all worried about what she is saying, but its just the start and I'm still learning to cope. I usually just do my stuff, and whenever I use my phone and if she sent something I'll just take a look and close it. I kinda makes me feel better myself, and to make me to be less bothered over the time.

 

And to the amount of calls she made last night, I highly think that she just felt guilty and wanted to apologize, or maybe also to tell me that she got herself a new guy this early, cos she has been hiding it for awhile.

 

My thoughts on not blocking her number is like me having the TV on the news channel, while I do my own homework.

[Simon Phoenix]

You could be completely right, and yes I have read the stories of psycho ex's looking to relieve their guilt by keeping their ex's around. I guess I just like to give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

I also advised OP to respond just once more since she is the one reaching out, although it does sound a little fishy. I guess my thoughts are that it can't hurt to give her one last chance to say what she has to say. What's he got to lose? If it's clear her intentions are to only feel better about dumping him and it is clear she doesn't want to work on things, he needs to hang up at that point.

 

I strongly suspect that's how it would go down too, but it can't hurt to try one last time.

 

You're way more positive than I am. As for the benefit of the doubt, I have a hard time granting that to someone who pretty much kicked the crap out of my heart with a steel-toed boot. But that's just me. I don't think that type of behavior should be rewarded. If she is legit, she can do more than leave cryptic messages that disguise her intentions. Nothing personal, but you gotta earn contact when you're an ex.

 

I'd agree more with your line of thinking if the breakup and the NC wasn't fresh. I think there is a lot to lose for the OP, but ultimately it's up to him.

[Simon Phoenix]

My thoughts on not blocking her number is like me having the TV on the news channel, while I do my own homework.

 

No offense, but I have no idea what this means.

[Twigyy]

No offense, but I have no idea what this means.

 

Its like if anything happens at least I know if it happens. If its nothing major I wouldn't really be bothered about it.

[Simon Phoenix]

Its like if anything happens at least I know if it happens. If its nothing major I wouldn't really be bothered about it.

 

That's not No Contact. No Contact means no keeping tabs on her. To use your analogy, you'd be better off finding a more enjoyable channel or just putting on music.