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Should I keep trying or move on? Male POV required


Silver88

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Sorry for the long post. Get a Red Bull ?

 

I have been with my now ex for almost 6 years, he was 26. Fell in love with calm yet fun personality, being good with kids, maturity (own house, own business etc), lots of friends he cared about. My daughter from previous relationship (he's abroad, not involved) was 2,5.

 

The problems have started fairly quickly, with him rejecting me physically. From lots of sex (imo anyway) and kissing etc it gradually went to every 3 months and no physical contact whatsoever- somehow we still had fun and could talk for hours etc, so stayed "good" partners in that way. I worked part time, then worked and studied, then just studied towards the end. I always did all the housework myself, bought cards and presents for his family's occasions, made effort to be nice to them and his friends (whom I liked), not moaning when he went out for nights out, festivals or his weekly pub after playing spot, all while working 6 days a week as a builder, and from what others said (inc my counsellor) I was giving too much and not looking after myself.

 

Fast forward 4 years, I fell pregnant, sex went to anything up to every 7 months. Then stopped.

 

Throughout the relationship, I used to try and talk to him about it every now and then- he wouldn't respond or would criticize me back to make me stop talking - he absolutely hated talking about what he said was "my problem".

 

I would dress up, be fairly adventurous, but it hardly ever worked. Backing off while still being pleasant for weeks or months also didn't make him want it any.more.

 

What he did do regularly, was watch porn- but because it would be the normal frequency of many men and he still went to work 6 days a week and met friends etc made me think it isn't an addiction as such, more a habit or preference.

 

9 months ago, we had an argument again and I asked him to sleep at his house (5mins walk away from mine, unfinished but functioning) and he left, after which he said we are not getting back together.

 

I spent 9 months begging, not shouting, buying gifts for him and his mum, cringe worthy I know. Even dragged him to counselling, where he went to give me "closure". I carried on with the counselling for myself for about 5 months, after which the counsellor herself said that I might want to rethink spending my money. So sad, it was almost hilarious. The counsellor said that he has commitment issues because of his over controlling mother- which she is, he does everything she says , but I always wanted to avoid the "evil mother in law" cliche so made effort for her to like me, yet from what I have been hearing she encourages him to see the kids less "because it will annoy the new person he meets". She also told me once I said to her that I am letting her son go (I wasn't, just had a bad day) that she was "glad I am taking this step". Says it all really. She also hates his last girlfriend, no kids there.

 

Another thing is before he turned 30, he bought a sports car, so I though that was that for a midlife crisis. At 31, started gym and losing weight. Then earlier this year, his best friend started getting divorced after a year of marriage. 2 weeks later, our split occurred. All of a sudden, other women, a night out every weekend (sometimes making him too hungover to turn up for the kids), wanting to change the job, buy a campervan, all the clichéd of a modern man midlife crisis. He's now 33.

 

He slept with other people shortly after the split, then stopped seeing those women as he continues to inform me (I don't ask). He always said he didn't want a new relationship, which obviously gave me hope.

 

He now sees the kids at my place every other day for an hour, 6 hours on a Sunday and morning school runs. He eats the tea I cook, plays with lids and goes. I am obviously bitter about the fact that he gets every night to himself to pretend to be single and childfree while I do all the child raising and hard work, but at the same time I would sooner have them with me and not do what he does, so I don't complain to him.

 

His house has been a building site for the last 5 years despite him being able to do everything by himself, but again, it would break my heart to give kids away so I prefer him seeing them at my house, whether we get back together or not.

 

He used to not want to be seen in public with me and the kids after the split, but lately he would take us for a trip to Ikea or a meal and pay for it, or say that I can come watch him play his matches at some event, which obviously got me thinking whether he starts to have his doubts, but again a few days ago he confirmed we are not getting back together ? what makes it worse is about a month ago he said out of nowhere (after swearing we are not getting back together ever) that "I have one week to convince him" and we slept together twice, after the second time our 8yo saw us cuddling the next morning and he still said later that week that we weren't getting back together- after giving my daughter hope (she has been asking me every day of these 6 months to beg him to come back; also cried and begged him herself- absolutely heartbreaking). I genuinely thought I was going to murder him then- I became the old cliché of sleeping with ex, unaware of it.

 

He has always been a proud, stubborn man, even though we shared the same values and many opinions (up until now, anyway). I know that underneath that shell is a little boy trying to impress his demanding mum and hide embarrassment caused by disabled dad (another long story, his dad isn't very mobile as has MS, been diagnosed when ex was 10. Which I always respected his mother for, obviously takes special powers to deal with situation like this, even though she has an odd way of showing her love - for example they never converted the house to make life easier for his dad, so ex often gets texts from his mum saying that she found his dad in a puddle of urine after laying there for hours while she was at full time work (even though she is supposed to be his carer and gets benefits for it) and doesn't hire him a nurse. Ex always said those things to me. but never brought it up with her to avoid upsetting her I guess.

 

 

So my question is, should I keep trying? Should I take these little positive changes (meals out etc) as something, well, positive? Should I accept he changed from being a family person to Peter Pan or assume that it is a midlife crisis and I should "help" him rather than give up on him? If not, why is he doing all this?

 

I tried to call his bluff recently and casually mentioned going on a date and he started being a bit nasty, saying snarky comments, saying that he is akin a relationship himslef etc etc. Why would he act all jealous if he wasn't bothered??

 

 

Any advice appreciated, but please be gentle, criticism from others keeps me up at night for years (oversensitive because of violent childhood... But that's a whole different story!

 

Thank you.

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Save yourself a lot of heartache and cut this guy loose. Don't try to "help" him because you can't. Don't think for a minute he's going to change any of his developed habits to meet your expectations. He is who he is... and so are you. It's not working.. stop the insanity, develop your self esteem, learn to be happy on your own and not dependent on another individual or man. Be done with this and raise your personal standards. Want more for your life then a mediocre relationship.

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Save yourself a lot of heartache and cut this guy loose. Don't try to "help" him because you can't. Don't think for a minute he's going to change any of his developed habits to meet your expectations. He is who he is... and so are you. It's not working.. stop the insanity, develop your self esteem, learn to be happy on your own and not dependent on another individual or man. Be done with this and raise your personal standards. Want more for your life then a mediocre relationship.

 

Hi,

 

Thank you for your reply. So you think the whole being nice and meals out and flirting he does isn't likely to develop into getting back together? Why do you think he does this instead of moving on with someone else or even just be happily single without making effort with me? I'm baffled...

 

To be honest, I am happy on my own- the "freedom" to spend time with the kids as we choose, going to sleep when I want and not planning my day around him etc is quite nice ? but doesn't make me love him any less unfortunately, especially with kids begging him daily to come back, I think this the most heartbreaking part of all ? ...

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Hi,

 

Thank you for your reply. So you think the whole being nice and meals out and flirting he does isn't likely to develop into getting back together? Why do you think he does this instead of moving on with someone else or even just be happily single without making effort with me? I'm baffled...

 

To be honest, I am happy on my own- the "freedom" to spend time with the kids as we choose, going to sleep when I want and not planning my day around him etc is quite nice ? but doesn't make me love him any less unfortunately, especially with kids begging him daily to come back, I think this the most heartbreaking part of all ? ...

 

Because he can. Picking up other women is effort, while you are pretty much a sure thing in his mind. It's all about convenience. You're convenient and easily fill a void. Why should he exert attention to find new women when he knows that you are there waiting around and loving him. Honestly, this situation will not go the way you want it to. I agree that you need to stop this. Any time you are chasing, especially as a woman, it's not a good thing. You are running around in circles trying to catch your tail right now.

 

And if they aren't his kids biologically, why are you letting your children hang out with him? That's just going to confuse the crap out of them.

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I'm very sorry that you've had to put up with this behavior from your ex. Nobody deserves to be treated and abused that way.

 

I wish I could tell you what you want to hear. But I can't. This guy has lost all respect for you, and you keep allowing him to disrespect you.

 

There comes a point where you have to question weather it's love or obsession that you feel. Love usually brings out the best in you. Obsession usually makes you surrender your power, your dignity and your self respect.

 

Think to yourself if over time you didn't allow him to cross boundaries little by little that ultimately led him to completely disrespect you the way he has lately. It's not that he simply changed from a family man to peter pan, it's that you allowed yourself to be stepped on until he made you his doormat. And all I see are breadcrumbs he leaves for you to gather.

 

Ask yourself if this man if the example you want your Daughter to follow when looking for a husband.

 

I really think you need to seek a therapist to help you regain the strength you've lacked or lost throughout this relationship. If you are scared or have fear due to a violent childhood, I will echo what a therapist said once to someone in a similar situation as you: Take a self defense class. Not necessarily because things might come to blows, but because it has a tremendous psychological benefit.

 

Take back the power you have surrendered to this man. Protect what dignity you have left. Don't accept breadcrumbs and know that, the right man, who will love you and respect you, that is out there, is kept at bay until you rid yourself of the obsession you have with this selfish and immature individual.

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Because he can. Picking up other women is effort, while you are pretty much a sure thing in his mind. It's all about convenience. You're convenient and easily fill a void. Why should he exert attention to find new women when he knows that you are there waiting around and loving him. Honestly, this situation will not go the way you want it to. I agree that you need to stop this. Any time you are chasing, especially as a woman, it's not a good thing. You are running around in circles trying to catch your tail right now.

 

And if they aren't his kids biologically, why are you letting your children hang out with him? That's just going to confuse the crap out of them.

 

I can totally see your point. You're right, I am there, providing him with all the cosy family stuff while he maintains his freedom. What was confusing me though is that by being in public with me, he denies himself a chance to be with someone else (unless she accepts this sort of weird behaviour) and because of that, I though he wants to be with me, after all. But I see it from a different angle now- quite an obvious one really - that je probably just keeps it sweet with me and sleeps with other women without wanting a relationship with them (or me).

 

As for the kids, he raised my daughter from 2,5yo, she knows he isn't her biological dad but sees him as a dad etc. My second daughter, now also 2,5 is biologically his.

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I'm very sorry that you've had to put up with this behavior from your ex. Nobody deserves to be treated and abused that way.

 

I wish I could tell you what you want to hear. But I can't. This guy has lost all respect for you, and you keep allowing him to disrespect you.

 

There comes a point where you have to question weather it's love or obsession that you feel. Love usually brings out the best in you. Obsession usually makes you surrender your power, your dignity and your self respect.

 

Think to yourself if over time you didn't allow him to cross boundaries little by little that ultimately led him to completely disrespect you the way he has lately. It's not that he simply changed from a family man to peter pan, it's that you allowed yourself to be stepped on until he made you his doormat. And all I see are breadcrumbs he leaves for you to gather.

 

Ask yourself if this man if the example you want your Daughter to follow when looking for a husband.

 

I really think you need to seek a therapist to help you regain the strength you've lacked or lost throughout this relationship. If you are scared or have fear due to a violent childhood, I will echo what a therapist said once to someone in a similar situation as you: Take a self defense class. Not necessarily because things might come to blows, but because it has a tremendous psychological benefit.

 

Take back the power you have surrendered to this man. Protect what dignity you have left. Don't accept breadcrumbs and know that, the right man, who will love you and respect you, that is out there, is kept at bay until you rid yourself of the obsession you have with this selfish and immature individual.

 

 

Gosh, you brought tears to me eyes.

 

What's scarier, some of the things you said mirror what the counsellor told me- that I slowly allowed him to be this way, hanging onto the "good bits".

 

Being a firm believer that a man treats a woman the way she lets him, is quite an ironic outcome really...

 

I like the idea of a class and will look for one. I never felt the need, but maybe it will make me feel better? And not all submissive mentally to men in general.

 

What I worry about the most is that the he will use the kids to get at me... I feel so sorry for them to have their lives ruined like this, all because of my bad choices.

 

Oh well. Better pick myself up I guess...

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You're going to be okay and your kids will be okay as long as you're okay.

 

Have you ever addressed your violent childhood in counseling or do you only speak about your current relationship?

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You're going to be okay and your kids will be okay as long as you're okay.

 

Have you ever addressed your violent childhood in counseling or do you only speak about your current relationship?

 

Hi. I really hope they don't end up being mentally messed up because of their world (as they know it) falling apart.

 

The counsellor tried and talk to me about it, but I just kept talking about my ex so can only imagine her frustration lol.

 

My father was violent and would beat me up ever since I remember, sometimes daily, sometimes less. Up until I moved out at 19. Then there was the emotional abuse. My mother was pretty much like me, constantly trying and doing everything to please him, as well as lots of arguing. I know it must have been hard for her to leave him as money was tight, but I pretty much hate her for allowing him to be violent to me and for complaining about him to me from early age.

 

Counsellor says that because I didn't have a loving family, I jump at the opportunity of having one and gave it my all, and stroked a cat to death.

 

Now I don't know whether to completely give up on men or desperately try and find a "replacement" so my girls don't lose out on having a complete family with a dad who is there when they wake up and go to sleep.

 

Such a mess.

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Hi. I really hope they don't end up being mentally messed up because of their world (as they know it) falling apart.

 

The counsellor tried and talk to me about it, but I just kept talking about my ex so can only imagine her frustration lol.

 

My father was violent and would beat me up ever since I remember, sometimes daily, sometimes less. Up until I moved out at 19. Then there was the emotional abuse. My mother was pretty much like me, constantly trying and doing everything to please him, as well as lots of arguing. I know it must have been hard for her to leave him as money was tight, but I pretty much hate her for allowing him to be violent to me and for complaining about him to me from early age.

 

Counsellor says that because I didn't have a loving family, I jump at the opportunity of having one and gave it my all, and stroked a cat to death.

 

Now I don't know whether to completely give up on men or desperately try and find a "replacement" so my girls don't lose out on having a complete family with a dad who is there when they wake up and go to sleep.

 

Such a mess.

 

I'm very sorry that you had to grow up that way. It must have felt like you weren't worth being taken care of from either of your parents and that your needs never mattered.

 

I'm really very sorry.

 

I think this is something that you need to address in counseling though. You formed thoughts at a young age due to trauma and it's possible that you're relying on these same faulty thoughts in your adult life.

 

When trauma happens to a young child sometimes their growth gets stunted emotionally. So while you may be in your 20s you still see things through the eyes of a child.

 

Again...I'm sorry.

 

But the good thing is you're a survivor. You've live through hell and are still here to talk about it. That has to say something, right?

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What I worry about the most is that the he will use the kids to get at me... I feel so sorry for them to have their lives ruined like this, all because of my bad choices.

 

One Male's POV here:

 

It's important to remember that you can't control his actions or his decisions. You also can't go back in time and change any of your past decisions. Those things are not worth worrying about because you can't do anything to change or control them. Instead, look forward and work on the things you CAN change.

 

Second, nobody's life is ruined at the age of 2.5. Those kids will be fine as long as you take care of them, and yourself, the best you can.

 

Finally, only a jackass would try to use your kids against you. Why would you even want someone in your life who you think would do that? That is not healthy at all for you or your kids, and certainly anyone who would do that is not worth your time or energy.

 

You need to put your energy into the things you can control:

 

1. Being the best mom and best person you can. Keep up with therapy, keep working on yourself, and you and your kids will be OK.

 

2. Removing yourself as much as possible from this merry-go-round of a relationship with him. He has you on a string and will continue to as long as you let him. I would recommend cutting contact with him except for whatever level you need to have to make sure your kids are well cared for and still get time with him. Anything else I would shut down for your own mental and emotional health. You can't move on a long as he keeps you on that string.

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I'm very sorry that you had to grow up that way. It must have felt like you weren't worth being taken care of from either of your parents and that your needs never mattered.

 

I'm really very sorry.

 

I think this is something that you need to address in counseling though. You formed thoughts at a young age due to trauma and it's possible that you're relying on these same faulty thoughts in your adult life.

 

When trauma happens to a young child sometimes their growth gets stunted emotionally. So while you may be in your 20s you still see things through the eyes of a child.

 

Again...I'm sorry.

 

But the good thing is you're a survivor. You've live through hell and are still here to talk about it. That has to say something, right?

 

Thanks. You are right, although it sucks haha.

 

The counsellor kind of tried to "fix" those childhood monsters but my attitude towards probably didn't allow her- in my opinion, I have wasted 19 years because of my father, so I plan not to waste any more by talking about it and transferring myself back into the past by doing it. I want to forget and move on, and basically focus on my life right now and making it the best it can be, rather than dwelling on the past. "Every minute spent on the past is a minute wasted from the future" sort of thing. Not to mention it is just not pleasant thinking about it.

 

But I see what you mean, of I don't deal with it, I will carry on acting like the abused child I was. Which makes me even angrier about it, that it didn't end when I stopped contact with my father, it still haunts me now.

 

Thanks for your advice, it means a lot.

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One Male's POV here:

 

It's important to remember that you can't control his actions or his decisions. You also can't go back in time and change any of your past decisions. Those things are not worth worrying about because you can't do anything to change or control them. Instead, look forward and work on the things you CAN change.

 

Second, nobody's life is ruined at the age of 2.5. Those kids will be fine as long as you take care of them, and yourself, the best you can.

 

Finally, only a jackass would try to use your kids against you. Why would you even want someone in your life who you think would do that? That is not healthy at all for you or your kids, and certainly anyone who would do that is not worth your time or energy.

 

You need to put your energy into the things you can control:

 

1. Being the best mom and best person you can. Keep up with therapy, keep working on yourself, and you and your kids will be OK.

 

2. Removing yourself as much as possible from this merry-go-round of a relationship with him. He has you on a string and will continue to as long as you let him. I would recommend cutting contact with him except for whatever level you need to have to make sure your kids are well cared for and still get time with him. Anything else I would shut down for your own mental and emotional health. You can't move on a long as he keeps you on that string.

 

Thank you.

 

I know and I hate being on that string, controlled by him. I have tried cutting contact with him (apart from handovers), and every few days or weeks I relapse into chasing him again, mostly because of my 9yo who cries most nights after him, writes him emails begging to come back and so on. I see it, it breaks my heart every time and back I go to begging and trying, for their sake. He is and was a good, fairly active dad to them (once his work and hobbies were out of the way, obviously) so I understand why she misses being a family. She must feel so sad and helpless.

 

I think if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't think twice about leaving him.

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Counsellor says that because I didn't have a loving family, I jump at the opportunity of having one and gave it my all, and stroked a cat to death.

 

Maybe these articles might provide some insight to help you cope with what you are going through.

 

If you find you can relate to them, let us know and people here can give you more accurate advice on how to get your life back on track.

 

THE MALE BORDERLINE - Surviving the Crash after your Crush

 

&

 

DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

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Silver I know what you're saying. You don't want to think about it and just leave it in the past and live happily ever after and all that but it's difficult to do when it is there hanging over you like a big black cloud.

 

I was traumatized as a small child too so I completely understand. It took me a really long time to address it myself.

 

I know you want to forget and just block it out of your mind but the reality is that it will rear its ugly head over and over again until you face it rather than run from it.

 

It took me a really long time to realize how dysfunctional I was and I wish I had addressed it sooner because my children could have used a mother a whole lot sooner but it is what is it. I wasn't ready to go "there" one day sooner than when I decided to go. So no judgment from me.

 

But to answer your question about going back...I wouldn't. Just because he doesn't hit the kids doesn't mean he is a good father.

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Maybe these articles might provide some insight to help you cope with what you are going through.

 

If you find you can relate to them, let us know and people here can give you more accurate advice on how to get your life back on track.

 

THE MALE BORDERLINE - Surviving the Crash after your Crush

 

&

 

DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

 

Thanks. I will read them tonight and share my thoughts.

 

 

Just wanted to thank everyone for their replies so far while you're still listening- the response I am getting is immense and made me feel much better! Thank you ? ? ?

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Thank you.

 

I know and I hate being on that string, controlled by him. I have tried cutting contact with him (apart from handovers), and every few days or weeks I relapse into chasing him again, mostly because of my 9yo who cries most nights after him, writes him emails begging to come back and so on. I see it, it breaks my heart every time and back I go to begging and trying, for their sake. He is and was a good, fairly active dad to them (once his work and hobbies were out of the way, obviously) so I understand why she misses being a family. She must feel so sad and helpless.

 

I think if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't think twice about leaving him.

 

I totally understand the heartache of seeing your kids sad over this, but that is no reason to stay in an unhealthy relationship. It will be worse in the long run. In addition to your IC, I would suggest family therapy with your older child. She is at a vulnerable age but needs to understand as much as she can what is happening and how to cope and move forward. She still has a dad and still has a family, it's just not the same as it was. And in the long run, it will be healthier for her. It would be good for you and for her to get some help to get through this difficult time. You'll both be better off.

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Simon Phoenix
I can totally see your point. You're right, I am there, providing him with all the cosy family stuff while he maintains his freedom. What was confusing me though is that by being in public with me, he denies himself a chance to be with someone else (unless she accepts this sort of weird behaviour) and because of that, I though he wants to be with me, after all. But I see it from a different angle now- quite an obvious one really - that je probably just keeps it sweet with me and sleeps with other women without wanting a relationship with them (or me).

 

As for the kids, he raised my daughter from 2,5yo, she knows he isn't her biological dad but sees him as a dad etc. My second daughter, now also 2,5 is biologically his.

 

I had a friend date a woman for 2.5 years that he never saw a future with. He did it basically because he knew she would be there whenever he wanted her to be and that's all he was really looking for at the time. She kept after it thinking she could change his mind, but he never had an inclination. She broke up with him three times; every time he was completely indifferent and didn't try to change her mind at all. The first time she caved after a week and came back, the second time she held out for a month and came back, finally by the third time she realized that it was never going to change and stayed away.

 

My friend met his future wife about two months later. I could tell by date No. 2 that he loved this girl a lot more than the one he kept around for 2.5 years. They were living together within a year and were married within a year after that.

 

I didn't realize one of the kids was his, which makes it impossible to go No Contact and makes it awkward as hell because the other kid isn't his. But either way, what you are doing in chasing and pursuing this man isn't going to work. He's made up his mind on you already, and that's that you are a support and an ego boost. Besides communicating with him about the child, you should not have any further relationship with this man.

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Maybe these articles might provide some insight to help you cope with what you are going through.

 

If you find you can relate to them, let us know and people here can give you more accurate advice on how to get your life back on track.

 

THE MALE BORDERLINE - Surviving the Crash after your Crush

 

&

 

DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

 

Silver I know what you're saying. You don't want to think about it and just leave it in the past and live happily ever after and all that but it's difficult to do when it is there hanging over you like a big black cloud.

 

I was traumatized as a small child too so I completely understand. It took me a really long time to address it myself.

 

I know you want to forget and just block it out of your mind but the reality is that it will rear its ugly head over and over again until you face it rather than run from it.

 

It took me a really long time to realize how dysfunctional I was and I wish I had addressed it sooner because my children could have used a mother a whole lot sooner but it is what is it. I wasn't ready to go "there" one day sooner than when I decided to go. So no judgment from me.

 

But to answer your question about going back...I wouldn't. Just because he doesn't hit the kids doesn't mean he is a good father.

 

I know... And I kind of tried with the counsellor, but I can't really think of anything they can possibly do, the conversations we had were all a bit "Your father had no right to do that" - "Yeah, I know" "He was abusive and shouldn't have" - "Yeah, I know" "You deserved love and respect from your parents" - "Yeah, I know". And so on... Unless she turns back the time, what is there to do?

 

All I think about when someone asks about my parents etc is that a lot of people had it worse than me. Apart from that, it doesn't cross my mind...

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Its relevant.

 

I watched, and it's scary really.

 

I always though that the sympathy I'd a normal sort of thing, that "normal" people just feel compassionate, and that trying to see things from others' point of view is being fair. Which is why I almost went to say about how I was perfect all the time, he actually says the split occurred because I "kicked him out". Which is true- I kept wanting to talk, talks would turn into arguments and I would ask him to sleep at his house... He jumped at the chance and never came back as my partner.

 

So he keeps blaming me, my arguing, my OCD (I have a slight one where I have to shut doors and windows at the end of the day a few times) etc and I worry that he will say that to the kids if they ever bring it up. He actually says that when they grow up, they will "understand" why he left me when he "tells them the truth". So the threats, meant to control me I guess, already started.

 

The joys ?

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Its relevant.

 

I had a friend date a woman for 2.5 years that he never saw a future with. He did it basically because he knew she would be there whenever he wanted her to be and that's all he was really looking for at the time. She kept after it thinking she could change his mind, but he never had an inclination. She broke up with him three times; every time he was completely indifferent and didn't try to change her mind at all. The first time she caved after a week and came back, the second time she held out for a month and came back, finally by the third time she realized that it was never going to change and stayed away.

 

My friend met his future wife about two months later. I could tell by date No. 2 that he loved this girl a lot more than the one he kept around for 2.5 years. They were living together within a year and were married within a year after that.

 

I didn't realize one of the kids was his, which makes it impossible to go No Contact and makes it awkward as hell because the other kid isn't his. But either way, what you are doing in chasing and pursuing this man isn't going to work. He's made up his mind on you already, and that's that you are a support and an ego boost. Besides communicating with him about the child, you should not have any further relationship with this man.

 

That really sucks... I know some men do it, different brains and all, but somehow I thought - Hey, its a mature man here, he can see a child involved, he claims that he wants to be seen as a dad to the child, he does all the dad responsibilities for 6 years while producing another child along the way, surely he wouldn't mess with kids' lives just for the sake of fun and comfort zone?

 

For some reason I thought that because kids are involved, he would treat the situation seriously and not disposable. Why, I don't know. Maybe I assumed that because they are important to me, they would be important to him.

 

He obviously thinks that the kids will be "fine" giving his mate (with commitment issues) as an example.

 

He still wants to see them both and treats them equally, at least that is a good thing... I think.

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I know... And I kind of tried with the counsellor, but I can't really think of anything they can possibly do, the conversations we had were all a bit "Your father had no right to do that" - "Yeah, I know" "He was abusive and shouldn't have" - "Yeah, I know" "You deserved love and respect from your parents" - "Yeah, I know". And so on... Unless she turns back the time, what is there to do?

 

All I think about when someone asks about my parents etc is that a lot of people had it worse than me. Apart from that, it doesn't cross my mind...

 

The point of going to a counselor is not just to identify the source of your issues, but also to help you with recommendations on how to address them. Like the self-defense class I mentioned earlier that you were intrigued by.

 

Additionally they material they suggest you read is very important because it also gives you a clear understanding of your true self, and the value you have and the respect you deserve as a person.

 

Entering a relationship unprepared, with a history of violence and abuse in your household, is like going to war without ammo. The key is for you to identify the behaviors in your partners that undermine your position in the relationship as their equal. Knowing when you are inadvertently surrendering your power to your significant other is of utmost importance, because you can prevent yourself from falling down a slippery slope again.

 

Learn from this relationship, be grateful for those lessons learned, and move on. Prepare yourself for the future.

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Simon Phoenix
That really sucks... I know some men do it, different brains and all, but somehow I thought - Hey, its a mature man here, he can see a child involved, he claims that he wants to be seen as a dad to the child, he does all the dad responsibilities for 6 years while producing another child along the way, surely he wouldn't mess with kids' lives just for the sake of fun and comfort zone?

 

For some reason I thought that because kids are involved, he would treat the situation seriously and not disposable. Why, I don't know. Maybe I assumed that because they are important to me, they would be important to him.

 

He obviously thinks that the kids will be "fine" giving his mate (with commitment issues) as an example.

 

He still wants to see them both and treats them equally, at least that is a good thing... I think.

 

Never assume they know what you are thinking and never assume someone has the same thought process about an issue as you do. I mean, they didn't care about your thoughts on salvaging the relationship before they broke up with you, do you really think that they are going to put your thoughts on what is going on ahead of their own in this situation?

 

As long as he's a good father to your kids, that's all he really needs to do. He's not compelled to have a relationship with you on your terms, just like you aren't compelled to cooperate with his terms.

 

He's the father of your child. That's all he should be. Stop trying to force something else.

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  • 1 month later...
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I have since been trying to go no contact. Whenever I did, he would become super nice, sending pics of kids whenever he took them out (I would not reply), still taking my bin out and so on...

 

I have tried calling his bluff again and announced that I will be casually introducing someone I am seeing as a friend to the kids "just to see how they get on" and he appeared very hurt judging by his texts. Still, no change as to trying to reconcile. Yet he still tries to convince me his dates aren't great and that he's not looking for anyone.

 

I hate feeling like this, it would be so much easier if I didn't love him and without kids missing him.

 

I try really hard to see logic in all of this, why would he spend a year playing happy families with me even though he would apparently occasionally date (so someone could see him with me etc) why he is happy to do all the meals out, flirts with me, messages about his day etc, yet not wanting to have what he had for 6 years. Why he continues to date women his age (33, lots of grey hair) when he was so hoping to do better than me - this is literally thee only hilarious highlight in all this, when he registered on a dating site he set his min age for a woman as 20 (I am now 27) but he would mostly get messages from women his age or in their forties, could clearly see his disappointment lol. As if I was the one in his way to some hot 20yo with a great job and so on. His bubble clearly burst since, and the women cant be that great since he is not showing them off to eveyone - yet he still doesn't want to be with me and his kids, even though even I went past the begging stage some time ago- I like my own company, don't keep texting him, I doll up regularly (for work lol) , and still, plenty of interest from him, but no commitment. Does he think I will forever wait for him or just doesn't care, or does he need to see it actually happening, me and kids in someone else's arms?

 

Grr, so confusing!

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