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Continue No Contact?


ally2015

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Hi All,

 

My ex left about 3 months ago... out of the blue for me... since have found out he is with a much younger girl, using drugs and doing God knows what else... He has left myself and our child and no contact from his side or mine. To me alarm bells ring considering he hasnt even made any attempts to see or contact his child. We didnt have a bad relationship, we were actually moving into major commitments when all of this happened. It is very frustrating that he wont even have a conversation with me yet we were going to get married.. i feel i deserve atleast an im sorry and an explanation but apparently that is too much to ask. Just simply im leaving, move on. Doesnt work like that when you have a child... Sorry.. my question is what should I do... should i just continue with the no contact until the 'fog' clears and the excitement of this 'girl' fades away. This is very out of character for him in all aspects, i am worried about him with the drug use and of course dont want that around my child...but i also am over feeling stuck in this situation. i do love him which i know is dumb but i do and if he put in the effort and work... id be willing to see if we could reconcile.

 

Just want to know should I just continue with the no contact and wait it out... or what other options do i really have?

 

*side note* Have been told legally to wait for him to file for our child as until then i am able to keep her away from him as he is very unstable.*

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@ally2015

 

What kind of advice are you seeking?

 

You've gotten overwhelming answers trending towards the same opinion. And believe me, I understand it's really difficult to cope with what's happening to you right now. I haven't seen my ex-wife in over a year, and I still have lingering issues that I keep working on. I realize with Vday tomorrow and with how recent things have happened in your life, you want to maintain hope.

 

You do realize that by typing he's involved in Drugs and "god knows what else", you're going to get an overwhelming vote towards NC right?

 

So I'll ask you again, what kind of advice are you seeking?

 

You want advice on how to get him back and set him straight?

 

Do you want advice on how to get over him?

 

Or do you want advice on what's best for you and your daughter?

 

People (myself included) will do their best to aid you and share their ideas and opinions. But be clear on what it is you are seeking.

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@ally2015

You do realize that by typing he's involved in Drugs and "god knows what else", you're going to get an overwhelming vote towards NC right?

 

I know NC will be the concensus because he is acting off the wall in his behavior and it would probably be pointless trying to get through to him.

 

So I'll ask you again, what kind of advice are you seeking?

 

You want advice on how to get him back and set him straight?

 

Do you want advice on how to get over him?

 

Or do you want advice on what's best for you and your daughter?

 

i want advice on what is the best course if action. My daughter will be kept away from him regardless as he is using drugs and is mentally unstable demonstrated by his actions. He isnt the person and i guess what i am asking is... i want to help him get out of this downward spiral he is on. His family dont care enough about him. Yes i love him and yes what he is doing is terrible but i care. I just wonder if me making no contact as well as him is the best thing to maintain now? I just feel stuck... there's nothing i can do... i care for him and i see the path he is on. Its hard to just look the other way... i know you cant help someone until they want to help themselves. But i just feel so sad for him.. he is losing everything and by the time he realises it... it will be too late.

 

So basically i am asking do you think me remaining with no contact will be beneficial in the long run? For when he hits bottom, for if and when he attempts reconciliation? Its hard to make no contact as of course i am worried, i miss and love him and we have a child... but in saying that he is NC with us but he clearly has a lot of issues going on within himself...

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Ok. I'll try and give you my best answers [bTW I'm not the owner of the truth. My words aren't absolute law. I could be wrong]

 

" i want to help him get out of this downward spiral he is on."

 

This is the focal point of everything.

 

You CAN save him. You CAN have him be a good father.

 

The question is, are you willing to pay ANY price?

 

I repeat, are you willing to sacrifice everything you hold dear to save this man?

 

Even if it means he might just be your friend and a great father for his daughter but be in love and have kids with someone else?

 

It's not just drug use. You're dealing with a 2 headed monster here.

 

In regards to your NC question. I honestly don't think it makes a difference to him right now. You are stressing yourself out suffering due to the NC, and he's out high as a kite , probably with company.

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@ally2015

You do realize that by typing he's involved in Drugs and "god knows what else", you're going to get an overwhelming vote towards NC right?

 

I know NC will be the concensus because he is acting off the wall in his behavior and it would probably be pointless trying to get through to him.

 

So I'll ask you again, what kind of advice are you seeking?

 

You want advice on how to get him back and set him straight?

 

Do you want advice on how to get over him?

 

Or do you want advice on what's best for you and your daughter?

 

i want advice on what is the best course if action. My daughter will be kept away from him regardless as he is using drugs and is mentally unstable demonstrated by his actions. He isnt the person and i guess what i am asking is... i want to help him get out of this downward spiral he is on. His family dont care enough about him. Yes i love him and yes what he is doing is terrible but i care. I just wonder if me making no contact as well as him is the best thing to maintain now? I just feel stuck... there's nothing i can do... i care for him and i see the path he is on. Its hard to just look the other way... i know you cant help someone until they want to help themselves. But i just feel so sad for him.. he is losing everything and by the time he realises it... it will be too late.

 

So basically i am asking do you think me remaining with no contact will be beneficial in the long run? For when he hits bottom, for if and when he attempts reconciliation? Its hard to make no contact as of course i am worried, i miss and love him and we have a child... but in saying that he is NC with us but he clearly has a lot of issues going on within himself...

 

Definitely no contact. Think of it as giving him the silent treatment for being a dick.

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Ok. I'll try and give you my best answers [bTW I'm not the owner of the truth. My words aren't absolute law.

 

I want to save him because i know no one else cares enough to. In all genuine honesty his family dont care about him, he doesnt have any good friends. I was and he told me the only person in his life that genuinely loved, supported and wanted the best for him. Its hard to just sit back.... i know he deserves all that is coming to him as he has caused it all but its hard because i care. My friends and family believe once this train derails and he is forced to reflect on his life he will be at my door and that's where i need to be strong enough to stand my ground for myself and our child we will not be a doormat!

 

In reg ards to your NC question. I honestly don't think it makes a difference to him right now. You are stressing yourself out suffering due to the NC, and he's out high as a kite , probably with company.

 

He has a 'girlfriend' she is approximately 19 and he is 26. So that's another issue and who knows what influence she is having over him. I guess just maintain the no contact. He would HAVE to miss myself and our child at some point? But when he does he most likely uses drugs to avoid it! Just tired of feeling stuck..but i guess it will just be a waiting game.

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He has a 'girlfriend' she is approximately 19 and he is 26. So that's another issue and who knows what influence she is having over him. I guess just maintain the no contact. He would HAVE to miss myself and our child at some point? But when he does he most likely uses drugs to avoid it! Just tired of feeling stuck..but i guess it will just be a waiting game.

 

You think a 19 year old girlfriend is going to exert more influence over a 26 year old man ?

 

You who are older and smarter than her didn't exert any influence over him. What makes you think he's not the one messing her up?

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You think a 19 year old girlfriend is going to exert more influence over a 26 year old man ?

 

You who are older and smarter than her didn't exert any influence over him. What makes you think he's not the one messing her up?

 

Im just saying she may also be a drug user, or encouraging him to have no contact etc... he could most definitely be messing her up as well. She may be completely unaware that we exsist. Its unknown.. im just saying this 'girlfriend' seems to be his distraction from facing reality as well as his other issues. Im not blaming her for his actions but also not ruling out she could be contributing to them as he obviously isnt in a stable mindset.

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The man is 26 years old. He is not someone who needs to have his hand held and guided through life. I really think you are treating him like a kid. Like a victim, despite all the words that say otherwise in your posts.

 

At your core you think he's innocent. That if you take away the drugs and the girl he'll be an honest man with integrity.

 

I wish I could share my complete story with you. But I can tell you, for the sake of perspective, that I believed my ex-wife was being brainwashed by her exBF, by her mother, by a friend, by my own family!....

 

I was fighting the world to save our marriage. To show her how much I loved her. In the end, I didn't realize that the only person who was a ever a threat to our marriage was the person I thought I was fighting along with.

 

That's something you can only find out for yourself. You can't understand what I'm telling you by simply reading this. Hopefully you don't suffer the traumas I did in the process.

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The man is 26 years old. He is not someone who needs to have his hand held and guided through life. I really think you are treating him like a kid. Like a victim, despite all the words that say otherwise in your posts.

 

At your core you think he's innocent. That if you take away the drugs and the girl he'll be an honest man with integrity.

 

I wish I could share my complete story with you. But I can tell you, for the sake of perspective, that I believed my ex-wife was being brainwashed by her exBF, by her mother, by a friend, by my own family!....

 

I was fighting the world to save our marriage. To show her how much I loved her. In the end, I didn't realize that the only person who was a ever a threat to our marriage was the person I thought I was fighting along with.

 

That's something you can only find out for yourself. You can't understand what I'm telling you by simply reading this. Hopefully you don't suffer the traumas I did in the process.

 

 

Well to be honest how he is acting is like a child. Acting like he is 15 years old no responsibilty, no cares, drugs, young girls..its ridiculous! I know he isnt innocent.. far from it! But i am able to see there are a lot of things going on... the drug use, the girl straight away, depression, his family... are all influences as well as his own messed up thinking! i looked into the 'affair fog' and it suits things he is doing along with drug use... i am not defending his actions... i am just trying to figure out what the hell is happening! he is treating me the way i should be treating him....

 

I am sorry you went through something awful with your ex as well.. its just terrible. Did you have children...? Its so hard as we have a child... and him not even caring about her in 3 months speaks volumes that something is seriously not right with him mentally/emotionally. I just wish he would speak to me, because he hasnt.. just left his family... gone. thats not normal and not okay.

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Well to be honest how he is acting is like a child. Acting like he is 15 years old no responsibilty, no cares, drugs, young girls..its ridiculous! I know he isnt innocent.. far from it! But i am able to see there are a lot of things going on... the drug use, the girl straight away, depression, his family... are all influences as well as his own messed up thinking! i looked into the 'affair fog' and it suits things he is doing along with drug use... i am not defending his actions... i am just trying to figure out what the hell is happening! he is treating me the way i should be treating him....

 

I am sorry you went through something awful with your ex as well.. its just terrible. Did you have children...? Its so hard as we have a child... and him not even caring about her in 3 months speaks volumes that something is seriously not right with him mentally/emotionally. I just wish he would speak to me, because he hasnt.. just left his family... gone. thats not normal and not okay.

 

My ex-wife confessed years later that she aborted the only child we ever expected. She refused to entertain the idea of a baby after the "miscarriage" because she didn't want to have an ugly baby. That she would only consider it by going to a sperm bank or if I was willing, her ex-BF. I never considered myself ugly and have had women called me handsome, but she was really model-level beautiful (on the outside).

 

She would humiliate me by detailing how much more satisfying her exBF was in bed, and get flustered in the process. She would ask me in bed to mimic her exBF's style.

 

But she would sometimes wake up crying at night, asking for forgiveness for doing these things to me, begging me to not let her ruin our marriage because she loved me, she loved us as a couple. She said "I'm f.... crazy and I don't want to be this way anymore. I'm afraid of what I'm going to do tomorrow, or the next day, or the next..." . I would always tell her I would never give up on her, and that I would be there for her the rest of my life. I told her stuff like: "I am your husband after all you know. The 'in sickness and in health stuff' weren't just words. They were a promise I will keep for the rest of my life.

 

After leaving me to be with her exBF for 3 months she came back pleading and begging me to give her a chance to be the wife I deserved. I figured she had finally learned to appreciate me, and I let her back without her having to even sweat it. Things were incredible for a couple of months and then my father passed away. Upon learning that I renounced my part of the inheritance so that my mom would get 100% of it, she said "we need to talk". After going to a marriage counselor, she confessed to us that the only reason she came back was because her brother had been physically violent with her at her house and that I was her only escape. That she couldn't risk rejection on my part , so she figured she needed to convince me that she was in love with me. She said that the counseling sessions helped realized she had a BPD issue that she was able to fix thanks to 5 pages she read from a book the counselor suggested and that she was ready to give her xBF a real shot at the relationship he deserved.

 

She left me again to "find herself", and told me she needed time to see if she still wanted to be married. That she would let me know in 4-5 months. I filed for a divorce pretty much immediately after she said this.

 

I'll be honest. Had she cancelled it prior to the 6 months required for the divorce to be finalized I STILL would've given her another chance. But she didn't.

 

She has emailed me a few times after the divorce, but these days I just automatically erase the emails without even reading them since I have no ties to this woman anymore.

 

And I left the traumatizing experience out to keep this thread decent.

 

My point is, when someone has disrespected us to the degree these people have, rarely do they ever treat us decently ever again.

 

What these people have done to us is cruel. What we have done to ourselves is worse.

 

And your husband is not acting like a child. He's acting like an A..H..le. My wife was 10 years younger than I was. I always justified her actions because of her immaturity. I was wrong. And you probably are too.

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I am SO SO sorry you went through that. That is truly disgusting behaviour in every way shape and form! She will have to live with the regret of treating you like that!

 

It is hard for me as we do have a child.... so i literally cant just walk away and end it... we will be apart of each others lives forever UNLESS he renounces his rights. I am just struggling with the not knowing anything... i didnt see it coming... i dont even know why its happening... he is just completely avoiding and not taking any responsibilty!

 

I get frustrated because i attempted to leave him and he fell apart then 3 weeks later he pulls this.... why wouldnt he have just taken the easy way out when i gave him the opportunity if he truly wasnt happy? I gave him the guilt free way out but he fought for me? Makes no sense... Ive asked him can we you know talk about this... we had plans for a future, have a child together you cant just leave like this... you need to be an adult. to which i get no response. regarding our wedding he said he would cancel everything...yet wont. they call and email him and he just ignores them... like he is so happy with this other girl and is moving on in life so why not end the chapter with me... have an honest conversation and cancel the wedding!

 

I know the issue isnt me, because he has abandoned his child. If the issue was simple me or our relationship he would be asking to see his child. I know i just have to wait it out... im trying to move forward, im working on myself and spending time with our child, looking to move out with her, not put my life on hold for him. and if i meet someone in the time he is in lala land then too bad for him. i am in no way looking for anyone and dont think i would be for a long time. i was engaged to be married, have a family... last thing on my mind is a new relationship because i have no closure from this one. i would love to know what he is thinking, if me and my daughter are even a thought in his mind at all.

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It is hard for me as we do have a child.... so i literally cant just walk away and end it...

 

Yes, it is harder for you unfortunately. But you literally CAN just walk away and end it. You simply chose not to see your options because you're obsessed with this man. You cannot be in love with someone who treats you like this. There's a fine line between love and obsession. Believe me , I know.

 

he is just completely avoiding and not taking any responsibilty!

 

This is happening because you are playing NC games with him. NC is a strategy to either get over someone or a ploy to get someone to come back.

 

Why are you even applying NC anyways?

 

To get him back or to get over him? Because if your ultimate goal is to get him back, NC is not going to work here. Not while he has a 19 year old girlfriend on the side while snorting w/e he gets his hands on.

 

why wouldnt he have just taken the easy way out when i gave him the opportunity if he truly wasnt happy?

Because he's proving to you that you don't get to dictate the terms in this relationship. He leaves when he wants on his terms. It's not up to you. And he keeps getting the best of you.

 

he is so happy with this other girl and is moving on in life so why not end the chapter with me... have an honest conversation and cancel the wedding!

I really don't want to project here, but I can't help but tell you that he doesn't give a damn about the wedding. And he's happy with the other girl. And if you keep asking him to cancel the wedding then you are flat out telling him: "Please don't take too long with that 19 year old. I'll be waiting for you [insert cute nickname you call him here] until you get your fill of her"

Screw the F.... wedding lol

 

Are seriously letting a mere "reservation" be an excuse to not move on? You've shown your hand to him. You have nothing. He knows you'll wait for him no matter what. Why should he bother even replying until he feels like it. He really has nothing to lose. You've reinforced the idea in his head that he owns you.

 

P.S.: I'm not upset. If my words seem harsh it's because I'm trying to rattle the dignity within yourself. And thank you for your sympathy regarding my problems. To be honest, I've forgiven her for what she's done. I will never talk to her in my life, but I won't live my life filled with hatred. I have had a tougher time forgiving myself for not having any dignity when dealing with that. It took me several months to stop waking up to nightmares about her pleading me to not give up on her. I still cry sometimes over the baby we never had. You have no idea how much I was looking forward to be my baby's father. I swear I have no respect for people like your husband who carelessly waste what others treasure so dearly.

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This is happening because you are playing NC games with him. NC is a strategy to either get over someone or a ploy to get someone to come back.

 

Why are you even applying NC anyways?

 

Im not playing any games. He began the NC and i was/have only contacted him since leaving about his child. Not about us at all. He is doing NC on me even regarding his child. I was being nice and then got to a point where i said why the hell am i the one contacting HIM about seeing his child? He knows if he wants to see her just ask. So thats when i cut my contact towards him.

 

 

I really don't want to project here, but I can't help but tell you that he doesn't give a damn about the wedding.

I asked him to cancel the wedding when he first left and he agreed he would as he was the one ending it and he was the one actually pushing for marriage. The places have called and emailed him and all he has to say is cancel it yet he wont. its just frustrating!

 

Why should he bother even replying until he feels like it. He really has nothing to lose. You've reinforced the idea in his head that he owns you.

 

He doesnt own me... and i have given him no indication that i want him back. We have a child! And he is pulling NC that is just F***ed, its not like im a horrible person... i have yelled at him, sworn, i have done nothing... only conversation i have had with his is about our child. I feel i have been very mature in how ive handled it whereas i should be going mental at him especially for abandoning his child without a care in the world!

 

Your advice is great... so what do you suggest i do? I know you will say move on...but is it really that simple... how can i just stop loving him and wanting to be a family? I know i dont deserve this and either does my child. i never want to go through this ever again and if he was to come back it would be very hard for him to BUT i wouldnt be a doormat and if i didnt feel loved, appreciated and treated how i deserve then i would leave him. And he would know i would as i am proving right now that i can be a single parent with no help at all from him. He would know that i want him...not need him

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I mentioned the NC thing because you've asked weather or not NC is the way to go. I'm not accusing you of initiating it, I'm just making it clear to you that NC from your end makes no difference to him.

 

About the wedding cancellation. This is irrelevant. It's a non issue. Why do you care so much that he cancels this? Do you mean to tell me that if he sleeps with 10 more women, and accidentally pricks your baby girl with a used drug syringe and harms her, you are STILL going to honor a wedding reservation?

Your situation is really bad. My advice is that you should not giving a flying f... about that wedding and even less of a f... if he cancels it or not.

 

The fact that you find his inaction about it frustrating is a bad sign.

 

I suggest you go out and meet people. I don't mean F... them. Simply meet them. Don't get in a relationship but open yourself up to getting noticed. The idea is for you to discover qualities in other men your BF never had.

 

And I really do think you should speak to a counselor. Don't cut your BF out of your life just yet. But please do see a pro. You have an unhealthy level of attachment to him given everything he's done.

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Remember that if you keep this guy around as the primary male influence in your daughter's life, he's going to be the template for every romantic relationship she has for the rest of her life.

 

He sounds immature, self-centered, impulse-driven, and frankly like a lying cheating drug-abusing creep. Stop trying to parent a grown man with issues and put your focus back where it belongs: being there for yourself and your precious daughter.

 

You HOPE you and your child are even on his mind -- ? Are we settling for so little now, for yourself and your daughter? Why not take your precious child OFF the table, get yourself some dignity and self-respect, take back your power and let him eat your dust while you walk away to someone who's actually worthy of your love!!

 

Just my opinion. You deserve better -- and so does your daughter!

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I suggest you go out and meet people. I don't mean F... them. Simply meet them. Don't get in a relationship but open yourself up to getting noticed. The idea is for you to discover qualities in other men your BF never had.

 

I am no way ready to go out and meet people. I am a single parent now and have my child full time and i am in no headspace to be meeting people yet. I know its not a relationship or anything I just dont feel in a good headspace to be putting myself out there considering i was engaged 3 months ago and i do still love him. I understand what you are saying... but i know he wasnt amazing, i know i more then likely could have done better but as i said you cant help who you love. He had a lot of flaws but i also saw so much good and potential for how amazing he could be.

 

And I really do think you should speak to a counselor. Don't cut your BF out of your life just yet. But please do see a pro. You have an unhealthy level of attachment to him given everything he's done.

 

I will be going to speak to counselor this week. I will just continue with the NC even though thats probaly exactly what he wants we are out of sight out of mind atm. I wish i didnt love him or care... but i can see the issues around him that are influencing his choices thats why i think im still so attached to him... if i could see and knew this was just simply him... no drugs, no cheating, no depression then i think id feel differently... Do you believe he will come back or attempt to? I honestly think that if he does i will not allow him to.

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Remember that if you keep this guy around as the primary male influence in your daughter's life, he's going to be the template for every romantic relationship she has for the rest of her life.

 

I agree and that is why I am not allowing him to see her at all when he does ask until he is in a stable frame of mind and obviously not on drugs. He will see it as me keeping her from him to punish him for leaving me... No i am keeping her from you because you are being a junkie pyscho and i dont trust you around her.

 

He sounds immature, self-centered, impulse-driven, and frankly like a lying cheating drug-abusing creep. Stop trying to parent a grown man with issues and put your focus back where it belongs: being there for yourself and your precious daughter.

 

I have been focusing on myself and my child but of course it is hard especially at night not to think/worry about him because i do love this person... Well not the person he is right not but the person he was when with us. I know how stupid i sound.. i really do. i should hate him, i shouldnt care, he is ruining his life through his choices...but you cant just turn your feelings off. i wish it was that simple.

 

You HOPE you and your child are even on his mind -- ? Are we settling for so little now, for yourself and your daughter? Why not take your precious child OFF the table, get yourself some dignity and self-respect, take back your power and let him eat your dust while you walk away to someone who's actually worthy of your love!!

 

I do hope that... because it seems like we dont even matter... and as i said there is no way you can just turn your feelings off (well if u are using drugs you can) It hurts me a lot to know he can abandon his child and not care at all... like fine hurt me...but her... thats why i know something seriously is not right! I am working on myself and trying to move forward in life without him but it is hard especially when we had a life planned with him. And not knowing what the future holds... like whether he will try to come back and be genuine OR if he comes back and i say no and he goes crazy.... he doesnt come back and we never hear from him again OR doesnt come back and continues down this path until he ends up dead.... so many unknown answers and i know no one can give them to me... i just have to give it time..

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@ally2015

 

As an exercise for your peace of mind, I'd like you to do a few things. Start off with step 1.

 

Please list ALL the qualities that made this man a good partner and father when he was stable.

Start of with a list as long as you can make it. And give us examples if necessary. Try and sell the "good man he was" to us. It's important you take your time and describe him through this list.

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As I've said he wasn't perfect, far from it... we had a lot in common and he was what i wanted in a partner.

*Would rather have a night in, cook a meal together and watch a movie then go out and spend money

* We both enjoyed watching and going to sporting events

* same sense of humor

* he would always be there for me, support me and encourage me to be a better person for myself

* he adored our child, yes he was lazy but as a mum you do everything anyway ( this is considered normal that mums tend to do the majorty of things amongst my group of friends)

* he was very family oriented

* he told me he loved me everyday and i could always feel his love for me

*sex life was great

* our child just loves him so much they had a very special bond

*he had goals for our future and was always coming up with new goals to achieve

 

As i write these out... i want to cry. Because as much as he has good qualities, thinking about this stuff makes me see how much better he could have been for us... there was a time that it was just the 3 of us for 3 months as my family were overseas and it was fantastic! he was so helpful, loving, caring, our relationship was the best at that time... then when they came back he went back to laziness and me doing everything... so i feel that if we did have our own place things could have been great or they could have been s*** but we will never know... What i dont understand is why HE is the one that left... i gave him everything of me, i could write a massive list of my qualities that i gave for him to want me... not saying im perfect but i was a great partner to him. i know and can see i deserve better... but that still doesnt make it any easier to let it go... i wanted a life with this person... who knows this may be the end for us OR it could be a turning point where he eventually realises how great i was, he may start to actually appreciate me and not take me for granted because i guarntee no one will ever do for him what i have or love him like i did. and if this is a turning point, i realise i deserve better and if he isnt treating me how i deserve then i will say sorry but im not interested and he can hate himself forever knowing HE lost me

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As I've said he wasn't perfect, far from it... we had a lot in common and he was what i wanted in a partner.

*Would rather have a night in, cook a meal together and watch a movie then go out and spend money

* We both enjoyed watching and going to sporting events

* same sense of humor

* he would always be there for me, support me and encourage me to be a better person for myself

* he adored our child, yes he was lazy but as a mum you do everything anyway ( this is considered normal that mums tend to do the majorty of things amongst my group of friends)

* he was very family oriented

* he told me he loved me everyday and i could always feel his love for me

*sex life was great

* our child just loves him so much they had a very special bond

*he had goals for our future and was always coming up with new goals to achieve

 

As i write these out... i want to cry. Because as much as he has good qualities, thinking about this stuff makes me see how much better he could have been for us... there was a time that it was just the 3 of us for 3 months as my family were overseas and it was fantastic! he was so helpful, loving, caring, our relationship was the best at that time... then when they came back he went back to laziness and me doing everything... so i feel that if we did have our own place things could have been great or they could have been s*** but we will never know... What i dont understand is why HE is the one that left... i gave him everything of me, i could write a massive list of my qualities that i gave for him to want me... not saying im perfect but i was a great partner to him. i know and can see i deserve better... but that still doesnt make it any easier to let it go... i wanted a life with this person... who knows this may be the end for us OR it could be a turning point where he eventually realises how great i was, he may start to actually appreciate me and not take me for granted because i guarntee no one will ever do for him what i have or love him like i did. and if this is a turning point, i realise i deserve better and if he isnt treating me how i deserve then i will say sorry but im not interested and he can hate himself forever knowing HE lost me

It's easy to be a great boyfriend when you don't have to deal with the pressures of providing a roof over your family's head.

 

The measure of a good husband ally2015, isn't how good a man is when times aree good. It's how strong and supportive he is when times are bad. Of course he can change if things get better. If you put his share of responsibility on the table for him. This isn't what marriage is about.

 

Nowhere on this list do I see a sign of him being:

 

-A Good Provider

-Faithful

-Trustworthy

-Responsible

-Respectful

-Hard Working

-Committed

 

What everyone here is trying to make you see, is that what you love is a relationship that was outgrown. YOU have grown. You are ready and prepared to march towards the future you planned with him. He isn't. He's holding you back. He doesn't want to go where you've got this relationship headed.

 

To make what will most likely be a terrible analogy: It's as if you were nursing an egg that finally hatched. What came out is terrible and you are trying to put him back into the egg and trying to piece the shell together. You can't go back to what you had.

 

You either accept the choices this man has made and get high with him, or appreciate the love he once shared with you through your baby girl and understand you can't follow him where he has chosen to go.

 

The reason I said to meet people wasn't to pressure you into dating. We tend to overvalue something when we have no basis for comparison. Be more outgoing with groups of friends when you can. Being a single mother is difficult, it doesn't have to mean the death of your social life.

 

And I get it, you are trying to cope with what your husband is doing. You don't feel like going out with friends and meeting people. Don't go out with friends to places with a "I have to replace my husband" mindset... simply go and live life. That's all I'm saying.

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It's easy to be a great boyfriend when you don't have to deal with the pressures of providing a roof over your family's head.

 

 

What everyone here is trying to make you see, is that what you love is a relationship that was outgrown. YOU have grown. You are ready and prepared to march towards the future you planned with him. He isn't. He's holding you back. He doesn't want to go where you've got this relationship headed.

 

What do you mean by outgrown? I just want to mention HE was the one pushing for all the commitment in our relationship, his idea to get engaged, his idea to buy a house, his idea to have kids and he was pushing for number 2 just before he left, he was doing all the wedding plans. yes i wanted it too but he was the one pushing for it all.. i guess thats why im a bit confused.. like if it was me saying hey lets buy a house and he was like ehh yeah then ok but it was all him pushing for the future? literally a week before he left we were at a mortage broker to buy a house.. thats why i am just like what the hell.

 

To make what will most likely be a terrible analogy: It's as if you were nursing an egg that finally hatched. What came out is terrible and you are trying to put him back into the egg and trying to piece the shell together. You can't go back to what you had.

 

I went and spoke to my councilor today and she actually said something which rings true... she said he sounds like he is regressing back into adolescents rather then continuing on as an adult. Gone to drugs, gone to a younger girl with no responsibilties, doing whatever he wants whenever he want like a teenager. And by having no contact with me and im not contacting him he continue to live the fantasy... but not for too long. That things will being to unravel as you cannot run away from reality forever.

 

You either accept the choices this man has made and get high with him, or appreciate the love he once shared with you through your baby girl and understand you can't follow him where he has chosen to go.

 

I definitely will not be getting high! i understand that he is making this choice but i think its unfair to just leave his daughter behind like she doesnt matter at all? Seriously as a parent how can you just abandon your child, THIS is the reason I know that there is something VERY wrong! It is not like ive been crazy at him or said he cant see her... ive been nothing but nice and calm about everything... HE is the one not making the effort, he did love her and if this is the life he wants then i will be asking him to revoke his parental rights and i will move away.

 

And I get it, you are trying to cope with what your husband is doing. You don't feel like going out with friends and meeting people. Don't go out with friends to places with a "I have to replace my husband" mindset... simply go and live life. That's all I'm saying.

 

I have actually been going out to take my mind off everything. Because otherwise i would go insane! I am trying to focus on the future...but it is hard because i never imagined it without him... i know there are heaps of guys out there but when your still in love with someone and have no closure from the relationship it makes it harder. I was also told by the councillor that he will at some point be back and to prepare myself for it because it will be hard when he does. like most of you have all said you went back and forth with your partners... so i guess what should i do IF he comes back.. i have my plan in my mind... or should i just say no and be done with it... i feel that it will go 2 ways if i say no... he will jump straight back into drugs and the path he is on now and just disappear, he will accept it and hopefully we can co parent OR he will make my life hell (prevent future relationships, stalk, harrass)

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I have actually been going out to take my mind off everything. Because otherwise i would go insane! I am trying to focus on the future...but it is hard because i never imagined it without him... i know there are heaps of guys out there but when your still in love with someone and have no closure from the relationship it makes it harder. I was also told by the councillor that he will at some point be back and to prepare myself for it because it will be hard when he does. like most of you have all said you went back and forth with your partners... so i guess what should i do IF he comes back.. i have my plan in my mind... or should i just say no and be done with it... i feel that it will go 2 ways if i say no... he will jump straight back into drugs and the path he is on now and just disappear, he will accept it and hopefully we can co parent OR he will make my life hell (prevent future relationships, stalk, harrass)

 

Work really hard on yourself. Work really hard to provide for your child. I am also certain he will be back. I'm willing to bet my life on it.

 

He has proven to you that you can't rely on him to build on your future. You can't wait for him. Your baby can't wait. Try and make it a goal to get that house on your own. Work to pay it off. Become the provider this man refuses to be.

 

Once you have everything settled, it will be up to you, when he eventually comes back, weather or not to allow him to get a free pass and mooch off everything you've accomplished. Be strong so that you NEVER are in a position where you have to rely on such a man for survival. Your parents will only live so long.

 

I'll share a lessons I learned with my brother:

 

After telling him : "If I were as successful as you, I have no doubt SHE wouldn't have left me".

[My brother is a very successful company owner with 3 luxury beachfront houses in different cities]

 

He said : "That's your F..... problem. You are wallowing in such a deep hole of self-pity .... it's no wonder you look UP to that F... Loser B...tch of a whore you called a wife.

 

You've got it all wrong. If you had worked on yourself, instead of catering to this woman whom you put on a pedestal. If you had focused on your responsibilities. If you had confidence in what you do, to get UP to where I am ... She still wouldn't be there

 

Because you would've kicked her Ass out of your life for being such a crazy loser parasite that doesn't deserve to enjoy the fruits of your hard work."

 

I see his point now.

 

In any case, the fact that you are receiving a counselor's guidance is a great step towards a solution. I really believe you will come through. You have a bright future ahead of you and I think you are capable of handling it. Weather or not you want to carry that loser BF of yours on your back once he tires of his affair and drug use, is entirely your decision that no one has a right to judge.

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Work really hard on yourself. Work really hard to provide for your child. I am also certain he will be back. I'm willing to bet my life on it.

 

He has proven to you that you can't rely on him to build on your future. You can't wait for him. Your baby can't wait. Try and make it a goal to get that house on your own. Work to pay it off. Become the provider this man refuses to be.

 

Once you have everything settled, it will be up to you, when he eventually comes back, weather or not to allow him to get a free pass and mooch off everything you've accomplished. Be strong so that you NEVER are in a position where you have to rely on such a man for survival. Your parents will only live so long.

 

I'll share a lessons I learned with my brother:

 

After telling him : "If I were as successful as you, I have no doubt SHE wouldn't have left me".

[My brother is a very successful company owner with 3 luxury beachfront houses in different cities]

 

He said : "That's your F..... problem. You are wallowing in such a deep hole of self-pity .... it's no wonder you look UP to that F... Loser B...tch of a whore you called a wife.

 

You've got it all wrong. If you had worked on yourself, instead of catering to this woman whom you put on a pedestal. If you had focused on your responsibilities. If you had confidence in what you do, to get UP to where I am ... She still wouldn't be there

 

Because you would've kicked her Ass out of your life for being such a crazy loser parasite that doesn't deserve to enjoy the fruits of your hard work."

 

I see his point now.

 

In any case, the fact that you are receiving a counselor's guidance is a great step towards a solution. I really believe you will come through. You have a bright future ahead of you and I think you are capable of handling it. Weather or not you want to carry that loser BF of yours on your back once he tires of his affair and drug use, is entirely your decision that no one has a right to judge.

 

 

 

i love all of your advice and i really appreciate it! i am going to continue working on myself and your right i will most likely get to a place where i truly know and feel that he isnt worth any of my time much like what your brother said. I am strong and i can be a single parent, i will continue to provide and give my daughter all i can. I am showing him and more importantly proving to myself every day that i can do it alone. I want him...not need him type of thing AND IF he comes back and sees how fine i truly am i am achieving the goals we had planned together and i am doing them on my own he will go S*** and if i let him come back he will know that if he f***s up once that i will get rid of him and continue my life because i have proven i can do it... if that makes sense? i will not be a doormat and i will not be on again off again with his because as my child gets old i dont want that confussion for her. I am possibly willing for 1 chance, if i have my own place he will not be moving in, he will not mooch off me and what i achieved. He could afford to get his own place now renting but he is throwing all his money away. So if he comes back its going to be hard for him because i wont settle for anything less then what i deserve and what my child deserves.

 

I will be seeing him in the next 2 weeks for the first time in a long time as we have a court hearing for the AVO, i am so nervous as everytime i have seen him i made sure i looked really good and i was strong...but if he looks as awful as i have been told he does... i think i may break down.... Do you think it sends a message to him when i dress nice and look happy and confident even tho on the inside im crying? I know right now he most likely doesnt care as he doesnt care about anything right now... but the councillor also said you are planting seeds in his head and u dont even need to say a word... the seeds will begin to grow and when he does start to care it will have an impact? Or is that just Bulls***?

 

Why are you so certain he will be back?

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Do you think it sends a message to him when i dress nice and look happy and confident even tho on the inside im crying?

 

Everything we do sends a message. From the way you talk to the way you dress. Even your posture sends a clear message.

 

Dress nice. But do it for yourself. Look your best. Make yourself blush my merely looking at the mirror. Give yourself all the edge you can to go in there with all the confidence in the world. And to be honest, you should do that every day anyway.

 

 

It's not BS. It's completely logical. If he sees you are desperate to get him back he knows he has room to work with still. If he sees you strong and notices you are ready to move on, he will start to get worried. Now you CANT PRETEND to move on. You have to really start moving on to plant those seeds.

 

Why are you so certain he will be back?

Several factors. For one guilt will bet the better of him sooner or later. And no, guilt alone is not a good foundation for reconciliation. He needs to have a clear understanding of how much he has hurt you and your daughter for him to be truly repentant. Only then can reconciliation have a chance to work.

 

I posted this story I read somewhere, on a thread last week that explains what I mean by true repentance:

 

A little boy punched his sister. Their dad as a means to punish the boy grabbed a hammer and a big bucket of nails. He told his son he wouldn't be allowed back into the house until he was either sorry, or he finished banging all the nails into their fence. After several failed attempts to convince his father he was sorry, the boy finished hammering the last nail into the fence and went crying back to the door. His dad opened the door next to his daughter and asked the boy, "what do you have to say for yourself?" The kid said he was sorry, too ashamed and tired to even make eye contact with his sister.

 

She went upstairs crying feeling bad for everything that had happened but not really able to forgive her brother. The next day the dad took his son back out to the fence and said "Ok. You are going to fix this fence.". The boy sighed in disbelief but started taking out nail by nail. After several hours the boy finally finished taking out all the nails he had hammered in the day prior. He looked at the punctured fence and told his dad: "I don't think we can even repair this fence anymore". His dad told him: "This, my son, is what you have done to your sister. You've left a hole inside of her heart that will stay with her forever.". The boy upon looking at the destroyed fence was overwhelmed with grief and ran into the house to hug and kiss his sister pleading for forgiveness. The girl saw that he understood how hurt she was and forgave him".

 

This is the emotional intensity he needs to have when he apologizes to you and his daughter. Not just crying and sobbing because his life is Sh..t.

I don't think he's capable of doing that to be honest.

 

You've gotten over 50 replies throughout all the threads you've started and everyone has suggested the same thing. Move on. You know you can't be the only one who's right, when the whole world is telling you you're wrong.

 

And I find that living by the motto "The heart wants what the heart wants" is completely irresponsible for someone in your shoes. You have a daughter that needs you. She can't afford for her mother to go into a breakup depression this guy is more than likely to impale you with, if you keep playing with fire.

 

Just saying.

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