Taeyang Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I broke up with my current boyfriend yesterday. We love each other so much and we are very happy together, we live together, but recently we both lost our jobs and we've been both at home with eachother all day every day for a month, and ive been depressed so i didnt want to leave home so we reeeeally needed space. So we had a fight about something stupid, then it became a big thing because we were just so much on eachothers nerves, and i told him you know what we should probably stop seeing eachother and he said its probably the best thing for both of us. So that same day i moved out, i deactivated my facebook and he seems to think i blocked him, and i sent him a text message saying goodbye, that we both need to be more mature to make this work, and basically that its over, which he didnt answer. I've broken up with him once before, and he asked for a second chance and i gave it to him. And im a bit ashamed to admit it but I've used it as an ultimatum or bluff before too... Because i felt he was taking me for granted. Now i talked with my best friend, and she made me realize i was wrong. I never realized that I have been a terrible girlfriend, ive been controlling and jealous, and when he hurt me i let myself be mean or play power games. I really messed up, and i drove him to get tired of me. I realized i broke up with him as a bluff and he called my bluff... And i want to work on these issues of mine, because i really love him and i want to make it work. But i already went crazy, and he wants to be alone. And i feel like if i go back to him asking for a second chance he's just gonna take me for granted, but at the same time ive given him a second chance why cant i ask for one too? I realize i have a lot of issues to deal with, and hes been trying to deal with his but i wasnt dealing with mine. What can I do now? I made it clear that it was over for good... Should i give him a week or two o space and then talk to him? Should i talk to him now? Please help! I really dont want to lose him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mi7522 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 You are both going through some tough times right now with both of you losing your jobs. You BOTH need to take time away from each other with no time limit in order to get BOTH of your heads straight. Trying to work on a relationship at this point is senseless as you BOTH are not in the right frame of mind to make it work. Work on yourselves for at least 30 days and then revisit where you BOTH are at. Otherwise it is doomed to fail if not already done. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Cedar27 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 (edited) Why don't you tell him that you still love him and want things to work out eventually, but for right now you guys need a "cooling off" period. Just so each of you can have some much needed space and work on things. See if he's receptive to that. I like mi7522's idea of 30 days and then reevaluate. If your ex is on board, you may want to establish some ground rules so things don't get even more messy. Perhaps being monogamous to each other during this period? Unless you don't think this will be an issue with either of you, or it simply doesn't bother you. Edited February 1, 2015 by Cedar27 3 Link to post Share on other sites
zen2475 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 You don't fix a relationship with distance; you fix a relationship with communication. You took a chance by playing games with him, and if he's distant now and doesn't want to get back together, that's a consequence of your actions. If you really want him back, however, you must tell him the things you admitted here. Be totally honest and open with him. There is a 50/50 chance he will want to reconcile, but for things to work out between you, you need to work on your insecurities and manipulative tactics. Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Always keep in mind that you should not be bluffing with a breakup because one day your partner could have enough of it. Then you'll end exactly where you are now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Snap decisions are never healthy & well thought out. I also don't understand how anybody can pack up their whole lives & move out in 1 day. It took me a weekend to move out of my apartment & if I tried to move now, it would take a week. If you love somebody you don't play brinksmanship games by breaking up or threatening to break up at the slightest provocation or even a serious provocation (short of cheating or abuse). You recognize that you have a lot of stress. What is going to lower the stress? Living together or apart? Whose name is on the lease? If you are on the lease just because you no longer live there doesn't mean you are absolved of responsibility to pay the rent. The landlord can still come after you if he stops paying. Finally, if you want to resolve things, talk. If you are done, remain silent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Taeyang Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 Thank you so much for your great advice everyone. Honestly I never intended to play games or be manipulative, I think I just got so unhealthy because of past issues, and he lied or hid stuff from me a couple of times so it just triggered my insecurities and I wasn't even aware how bad I got until now. I'm going to start going to therapy to work on my issues because I don't like the person I've become. I went ahead and took your advice Cedar27, I was honest about my feelings, and I asked him if he could forgive me and give me another chance once we've taken time to cool off. He said we both messed up, that not having a job really stressed him out, that we both have much to work on and he thinks it's a good idea to get back together once we've cooled off and worked on our issues. He also said that we should learn from our mistakes so we can be together because we have something really special <3 and I believe so too, I know we're both pretty messed up and we've both hurt each other but we're willing to work on ourselves to be together and I think that's what really matters, right? I didn't mention any rules because we're going to continue to be broken up until we feel it's right to get back together, and there are no rules when it's a break up. I need to learn to trust him, and I don't think he'd have sex with someone else, yet if he does for some reason well I'd rather he get something like that out of his system while were not together. I know some people can have sex without love right, it wouldn't mean he doesn't love me if he does. I probably will just make it a rule that we should not tell each other what we did while we were broken up, because I don't think I'd want to know. Does this sound crazy??? . _ . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Taeyang Posted February 3, 2015 Author Share Posted February 3, 2015 Also, Im wondering in this case should I just give him his space until he contacts me? Should I go no contact? I'm not sure how to go about this. Link to post Share on other sites
elgringo Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Go at least 30 days no contact. You and your ex need that time to cool down. Use the time to work on yourself and your issues. Maybe even get some individual counseling. I found a good counselor when i was going through a divorce and it was a lifesaver. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Also, Im wondering in this case should I just give him his space until he contacts me? Should I go no contact? I'm not sure how to go about this. No contact is indefinite. However, you are the dumper here, so you need to regain his trust back, but you already placed ball in his court. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Also, Im wondering in this case should I just give him his space until he contacts me? Should I go no contact? I'm not sure how to go about this. NC is a healing tool. A way for you to get over someone. If you want a cooling off period that's fine. But if you hope to eventually reconcile, you will have to talk. Playing games regarding who contacts whom first is not going to resolve your issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Taeyang Posted February 9, 2015 Author Share Posted February 9, 2015 Thank you everyone for the great advice. I didn't mean it like playing games on who contacts who first, I just didn't want to push him into talking if he didn't want to, and I know we need a cool off period I just don't know how to go about it the most we've ever been apart is a week. So here is an update: After a week of not talking he started texting me that he loves me and hopes I will let him see me on my birthday (Feb 14), that he got me presents and wants to spend the whole day with me if I allow him. So i said yes, and we planned a little where to go. I said I had to go and that I'll see him soon. He still kept texting me so I answered a couple of times and again said bye. This morning he starts a chat with me on this app we both have, saying he misses me and he realized how much I'm missing from his life, and that he's sorry for what he did to push me away. We talked for a bit and he asked to see me today. So I told him I would love to see him today but I think we need a bit more space. That I just think it's too soon to see him because there are still things I cant help think about and get mad, specially because i found out he tried to get with this girl right after the breakup and i felt hurt right now (i told him this because he kept telling me to behave, to be good, that another guy was probably already making me happy, that he was behaving because all he wants is me and doesn't want to be with anybody else... And this made me mad because he's the one that's fooling around or trying to while I'm just trying to work on myself) , and also told him I really want to let that all go, let all the resentment go, all the hurt, start from zero and do things right. That I hope he understands, and that I miss him too and can't wait to see him on my birthday, that seeing him will make the day more special and that I love him. He read the message and just never answered. And now I'm thinking, did I mess up again? Was any of that something that would make him mad, or should I have just taken the chance and seen him? I am so confused!!! I was just trying to be honest, and I honestly feel like I just need a couple of days more at least to get over things. So I mean what do I do now? Do I just give him space? Cause if he didn't answer I'm assuming it's because he got mad and if he's mad he needs to cool down... But my first instinct is to message him and try to see whats up with him. Please help! Link to post Share on other sites
Mi7522 Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 (edited) 1st off you played right in to his hand. You should have stopped after you told him you wanted to start from zero and do things right. Once you told him you missed him too, can't wait to see him on YOUR birthday b/c it will make it more special and then finish it off that you love him is not starting at zero. Make him work for the privilege of hearing those things from you and the fact that he went silent makes me believe your not being a challenge to him. Show him you mean something and tell him it might be best to revisit this in a couple of months, do not come to my birthday and do not contact me anymore. If he really wants to be with you then you will see him move mountains to get you back. Edited February 9, 2015 by Mi7522 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Taeyang Posted February 12, 2015 Author Share Posted February 12, 2015 Yeah, you're right I shouldn't have said those things... I'm really not good at these things. He did answer however after a few hours. He told me he was initially mad because I wouldnt let him see me, so he needed to cool off, and that I was right to want more time and that he was going to respect that because he wants to do things right and have a better relationship when we get back together. I saw him once this week because I had to take my mom to emergencies and he helped me out with some things, and kept me company. Afterwards we talked and he pretty much brought up most of my concerns with the relationship himself, explained why he did things and why he thought it was ok, and that he realized how immature he was being and that it's time for him to grow up. He opened up to me about many things he hadn't before, and said he really wants to work towards a good future with me. I told him even if we get back together im not moving back in with him until we are 100% ready and sure we can make it work and also get an apartment together (because we had roommates and rented a room together) and he says it's one of his goals to get a good job and save up so we can do that, he even signed up for school to finish his career. So I mean, I believe him. But I know I should be cautious still, and I don't know what to do because I feel like he might ask me to get back together on my birthday. And I do want to get back together, but I mean its better to have space so he takes it more seriously right? What should I do??? Still best to revisit in a month or so? Plz help... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts